I still own nothing

Chapter 4: From Canada, ya speak French?
Phil sat by himself at a table in the lounge. He flipped through a booklet that contained the names of all the fighters in the tournament and their fight dates. DOA had become very famous among fighters, and this year had brought out a record sity-eight participants.
"Due to the overwhelming amount of entries in this year's tournament;" the first line of the booklet stated. "The first two rounds of the tournament will be single elimination tryout matches, last year's champion will receive a bye and will be entered directly into the tournament. The seventeen remaining fighters will stay for the double elimination tournament while the other fifty-one will be sent home immediately upon their losses. DOAtec ruling specifically states that no more than twenty combatants may be entered in the tournament, so tryouts will not fall under tournament rules, best of luck to all of you from your friends at DOAtec." Phil jumped when a hand suddenly thumped his table. He lowered the booklet to see Tina sitting across from him.
"I see daddy let you live." she giggled, Phil nodded.
No, I died. He kept reading the booklet. His first tryout match was tomorrow morning against an Englishman named Jared Dale.
"So you're fighting a Brit in your opening match." Tina tried to make conversation, Phil nodded again. "I wouldn't be too worried, I've seen him, he doesn't look like much of a fighter." Tina then paused and smiled playfully. "But at least the British helped us in the war." Phil raised an eyebrow.
Oh she HAD to go there, didn't she? "Yeah, there wasn't really anything Canada could have done to help anyways. I mean let's face it, how helpful is a country that considers doughnuts and canisters of coffee to be crucial war time supplies?" he grinned as he spoke, Tina didn't get it. "You see, our top military vessel is called the Tim Horton, and our most popular doughnut chain is called Tim Horton's." Tina still stared blankly at him. "And all the ship carried was canisters of Tim Horton's coffee for the troops that fought." Tina looked like the lightbulb was starting to light up. "Okay, your ships had guns, ours didn't." Tina then smiled
"Oooh I get it now." Phil envisioned himself flipping Tina a treat like a trainer and a performing animal.
"Besides, look how tough we are, our flag is a leaf man, a leaf!" Tina started to laugh. "Oh yeah don't mess with us, we'll dry up and blow away on your ass." Tina now laughed louder, causing people to look at them.
"You're funny for a Canuck, I like you." Tina said with a wink, Phil smiled with discomfort.
I'm a disgrace to my nation. A tall, dark man came up behind Tina and covered her eyes with his hands.
"Guess who?" Tina's smile grew larger. She stood up quickly and hugged Zack.
"Zack, this guy came all the way from Canada." Zack looked a little confused for a moment.
"Uhh, parle englais?" Zack said nervously, Phil sighed.
"Yes I speak English." Zack then nodded and smiled obnoxiously.
"Whoa, ya do, pretty good to."
Pretty well. Zack pulled up a chair and put his feet up on the table, it seemed to be a common practice here.
"So you're from Canada, ya speak French?" Phil paused then nodded.
"Oh yeah... yeah... sakala hooba doo..." he faked an overdone French accent. "Oh yeah, I'm perfectly bilingual, we all are." Zack smiled.
"Man, that's tight." Phil nodded and kept the smile on his face... he didn't speak French. Like all Ontarians he only spoke high school French at best. Five years and all he remembered was one set of words. Zack then looked like a bright idea hit him. "Hold the phone." Zack stood up and glanced around the room. "Helena!" he shouted with his hands cupped over his mouth. Everyone in the room stared at Zack. "Yo, come here a sec." Phil blushed slightly as a lovely young blonde lady walked over towards their table. She seemed much more sophisticated than anyone else at the table. She sat with a business woman's face and looked at Zack like she was greatly burdened by being called over.
Helloooo nurse. Zack pointed at Phil.
"Helena, this dude talks French and stuff." Helena looked somewhat pleased and faced Phil.
"Bonjour." her voice was very soothing, Phil finally stopped blushing.
"Bonjour." he echoed back. Helena looked a little suspicious.
"Comment ca va?" Phil grinned sheepishly.
"Oh, Je suis, Tu es, Il est..." Zack laughed and grabbed Tina's thigh.
"Well these two are hitting it off, let's go have some fun Tina." With that the American pair walked away, leaving Phil with Helena. Helena still stared at him.
"What's your problem?" she said harshly. "I am, you are, he is, put a sentence together, what's wrong with you?" Phil sighed, the nervous grin couldn't be removed from his face though.
"I'm sorry." Yeah way to go idiot, good first impression. Helena placed her cheek in her hand and leaned lazily on the tabletop.
"So I'm going to assume you're not from France." Phil nodded.
"Yeah, I mean no. I mean yeah you're right, no I'm not from France." Helena finally smiled, making Phil feel less stupid.
"Sounds like you're also not too hot at English." Phil shook his head with a laugh, Helena had zinged him well. "You're not from around here either though I assume." Phil shook his head. "I assumed that when you said 'I'm sorry' instead of 'whaaat?'." Helena faked a thick southern accent when she said "what".
Marry me, right now. Phil leaned forward on his elbows.
"I'm from Canada, Toronto." Helena shook her head slightly.
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." Phil looked dumbfounded, Helena smiled and kicked his shin from under the table. "I'm kidding." Phil nodded and smiled, trying to act as least like a goof as possible.
"So, who was that guy? The loud, obnoxious one?" Helena smiled pleasantly.
"That is Zack, last year's tournament champion." Phil was a little shocked that guy won the whole thing. "He's had a crush on Tina for as long as I've known him, and she never even would give him the time of day. Since he won the tournament though and made his fortune in Vegas, she runs to his side every chance she gets." Helena snickered to herself. "The rest of us just don't have the heart to tell her that he lost everything with that terrible island scam." Phil gave an inquiring look.
"Island scam?" he genuinely didn't know what was going on. Helena shook her head and giggled about the memories.
"Well, he bought this island with his winnings, and invited us for the fourth Dead Or Alive tournament, but when we got there, we realized he had only invited the women. Turned out it wasn't the tournament at all, but just an excuse for him to watch us parading around in bikinis for two weeks."
Wow, I don't know if that's really creepy, or incredibly brilliant. "Really? That's, well, different." Helena nodded.
"Yeah, we all avoided him as best we could, except Tina, who had competition with his new girlfriend Niki. In a nutshell, once everyone left, a volcano trashed the island, Niki took off with what little money Zack had left, leaving him with the clothes on his back and a very low bank account." Helena started to chuckle again. "He told Tina that they only broke up, she has no idea of what really happened." Phil laughed lightly as well, it was a pretty bizarre story, but somehow he had little trouble believing it. "Well, I'm going to go and have a nice hot shower." She stretched once she stood, Phil eyed her. Her tight pants and tanktop left very little to the imagination, then the comment of a shower was just plain teasing. Helena then looked down and caught him checking her out. She laughed lightly. "Nothing personal, tiger. You're nice enough, but I'm a little out of your league."
Whoa ouch. Phil nodded and apologized, promising it wouldn't happen again. Out of my league nothing, you're not even in the same area code as my league.

Phil's adventures seem to be going from strange to stranger as he meets the DOA crew. What antics await the next chapter? Find out soon!