Damaged
by: say-chan
disclaimer: say-chan does not own any x-men : evolution characters... ooh what a lovely day to write... not... i feel so depressed, so, this is the output... what a long vacation, too... oh yeah, , i- i don't have anything to say to you right now... just- if you know who you are and you know why i wrote this, then, it's self explanatory... although i doubt that you would read this and that you would understand... onto the fic!! oh yeah, please r&r... and please don't flame me because i'm in a very bad mood, please. thank you!! :)
you used to captivate me by your resonating light, but now i'm bounded by the light you left behind... your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams... your voice has chased away all the sanity in me...
Damaged. Unloved. Chipped. Used. Cracked. Broken. Shattered.
And- And I don't know where to start. I felt like my soul was leaving my desolate body bit by stinkin' bit. Everything was crazy. Everything was different. I felt like I've done something so- so mortifying to myself. As I look up to the starless sky above me, as I breathe in the frozen air that sweeps through my dry throat, I desperately call onto Him for guidance.
Mein Gott... Why is zis happening to me?
I felt betrayed... betrayed by the One Being that showered me with blessings throughout my seventeen years of stay in this rotten place. This- this place is more than hell- this is much more. Even though I haven't been to hell itself, I feel as though I have gone far enough. I feel like I don't want to go on any longer. I feel like a few more minutes in this life that I have forsaken over... and over... and over... would just leave me alone... cold... and six feet under the ground.
No, that was an understatement of the feelings that I've kept inside me, burning, itching to let loose. Every time I tried to stand up, Every time I wanted to see the world in a different perspective than it is today... Every single time, I fail. I fail to see the brighter side of life. I always fail. I don't know if she is reason enough for me to feel this desperate to see everything in a different point of view... I don't know if she is reason enough to blind myself from what reality really is... I don't know if she is reason enough not to continue living anymore.
I felt like I was losing my sanity. I felt like I was losing control. I thought she was different from all the others... Damn it! I THOUGHT SHE CARED... but she- she was all the same. She was no different from all the others. She was afraid of me. She used my trusting nature... She used me.
I thought she loved me.
This was the biggest mistake I ever did in my entire life. I felt like I wanted to die.... I wanted to die right THIS INSTANT. This pain... this pain was becoming so unbearable... I- I can't take it any longer. I wanted to end all this. I wanted to end this all.
Amanda...
Curse you and your sweet and charming nature... Curse your stupid masks!! Curse you clever lies!! Curse you for I have fallen for you over and over... And I thought you caught me when I was falling. But you just continued to pretend... Like all of them!!
Blast you all!! Blast you normal people that look me with disbelief in their eyes. Leave me alone!! You don't understand what I have gone through... You don't understand what I've been going through. Tell me, did there be a time in your life when you were chased by an angry mob of people?! When all the family you knew was tortured in front of your eyes?! When they attempted to burn you alive amidst a local church?! Tell me, have you ever been called 'demon'? Tell me, have you?!
No... no, you never experienced such anguish... such pain... such destructive power that sweeps through you like wildfire in a wheat field... And all that... all that I experienced when I was only four. Four, do you understand? Now, tell me, tell me what have you been doing when you were four? You were sitting on your mother's lap, learning to read one of those storybooks your parents bought you...
I... I didn't want to be this way, you see, I didn't want this pain... Like you, I also wanted to be loved.... but as my life of tragedy goes on and on... and on... Maybe... maybe the Lord did not want me to be happy... Maybe it just isn't my purpose...
Bit by bit, I felt like I was losing control of whatever was inside me. All the pains of life all came back to me... And it cuts me like a knife on the chest... And after all this pain... after all this pain... I'm left alone again.
I have no idea if... if I'll ever get to stand up again... if I'll ever smile again... She took away my happiness when she went away... She took all of me with her... Because she was all that I had... She was my happiness... But I guess I was blind. I was blind because I couldn't see that she wasn't real... Because I fell for her stupid trap... And now, I feel so damaged.
I look at myself in the mirror and I see a broken person... with a broken face and a broken mask that covers his real being... his real thoughts and real emotions... I closed my eyes and pleaded that the horrid visions in my head would go away...
Grow up!
I shouted as I punched the mirror with my hand. I stared at it... its abnormality... its deformation... and felt disgusted. I was disgusted by the thought of me trying hard to achieve a NORMAL life that I've always dreamt about. But Amanda as right. I had to "dream on" I had to "keep on wishing"... Hard as it may sound to me, she was right. She was still right.
"K-Kurt..?"
My eyes darted to the door as I heard a voice tremble. "Are you alright?"
"Leave me alone." I replied coldly. At this moment, I didn't want to talk to anyone... I didn't want to talk to anyone at all. I'm used to this solitude. I'm used to being alone.
"I- I heard about Amanda from Bobby... I- I'm sorry, Kurt."
"..."
"Kurt?" she asked as she took a step forward.
"Leave me alone, Keety." I said, more firmly than the first one.
"But Kurt, I- I don't understand..."
"I said, LEAVE ME ALONE." I teleported in front of her and shook her shoulders with my hands. "What part- What part of it don't you understand?! I just want to be alone!"
"Kurt- Kurt, you're bleeding." she held my bleeding hand in hers and looked up at me. "You should go see-"
"Keety, please." I pleaded. "I just want to be alone... I just-"
It was then I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like I was about to break down. I felt like I wanted to falter. I fell to my knees in front of Kitty as I cried my heart out. "I just wanted to be love, Katzchen... Why did she do this to me?"
I felt stupid, telling a girl like her what I was feeling inside. but somehow it felt good to have someone to talk to... So many years I wanted to let all this out and I finally did, to the most unexpected person, ever.
"I tried... I tried so hard-" I whispered as tears began stinging my eyes once more.
She knelt in front of me and pulled the handkerchief that was holding her hair up that night and wrapped it around my wounded hand. "You see, don't think that you have all the problems in the world, okay? Don't think that you're the only one hearing voices in your head echoing events that you hated all you life... All of us do, all of us."
"But I- I'm different. I'm different from you guys- I'm-"
"Kurt, you're special. You are special for you have all the right in the world to get mad. Me?" she shrugged and shook her head. "Everybody thinks I'm perfect... But I'm not... I have problems, too..."
"You don't understand-"
"Of course I do, Kurt. Believe me."
"How can I believe you when all and everything fails in front of me?" I looked up at her.
"Because when all and everything fails and we end up falling into bottomless pit of doom, I won't let go of you. I don't care if you're damaged... I don't care if you're used. As long as it's you. As long as it's Kurt Wagner."
I felt all my burdens leave me as she stood me up and lifted my chin with her hand. "Smile, Kurt. Let the whole world know you're special."
Well, maybe I was.
a/n:
so, here's another comeback ficcie from vacation... hi to all my friends, you know who you guys are, you rock!! i will be finishing by other fics shortly, i promise. tell me what you guys think of this one, okay thanks in advance for doing r&r!!
signin' out, say-chan