Whose Gate Is It Anyway?
By: the female apophis
Disclaimer: Do you really need me to go over this?
Rating: You should already know that.
Pairings: Do you have to ask?
Archive: just make sure you ask me first.
Summary: Whose Line Is It Anyway meet's SG-1! Silliness ensues...
A/N: Random!!! That's the only way to describe this! I hope you all enjoy it somewhat though...
Song: if you see one, then you do. It's supposed to be there.
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"Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? I'm your host General Hammond. Come on down let's get started!"
"Tonight's episode features our lead team, SG-1! Resident genius and over-all pain in the ass...Samantha Carter! The Spacemonkey...Daniel Jackson! The alien version of Colin Mockery...Teal'c! And of course the pain in the Mik'ta of the galaxy...Jack O'Neill!"
"If you've never seen the show before, this is the show where it's all made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the point's don't matter...kinda like the smell of cheap cologne on a woman."
At this, the audience laughs.
"Blind date! This is for Sam, Daniel, Teal'c and Jack. Sam, you're gonna be the guest on a dating type show choosing from three eligible bachelor's. Each of them has a personality chosen for them on the cards. Whenever you're ready take it away!"
"Bachelor number one. Hello!"
"Hi." Disgruntled teacher who lashes out at anyone who talks to him.
"I like music. If you were to sing a song to me, which one would it be and why?"
"Let's see. Shut up by Kelly Osbourne cause that's what I want you to do!"
"Thank you. Bachelor number two. HI!"
"Greetings." Apophis. "If you were to take me out on the most romantic date of my life, where would you take me and why?" "I would take you back to my palace on Chulak, implant you with a symbiote, and you would become my queen."
"Creepy. Bachelor number three! Hello!"
"Howdy." Homer Simpson. "If you were a food, what would you be and why?" "Mmmm...doughnut."
"Okay then! Bachelor number one. Hi again!"
"SHUT UP!"
"Well fine!"
"That's it! I'm giving you detention!"
Sam pouts.
"Bachelor number two. If I was about to die, would you risk your life to save me?"
"No."
"Alrighty then! Hello again bachelor number three. Same question!"
"HELL YEAH! I'd take off in some ancient spacecraft and then I'd go back to Moe's and have a beer. Mmm...beer."
"Okay, Sam, who are they?"
"Well, Bachelor number one is a very unhappy teacher."
Audience claps.
"Number two is obviously Anubis."
"Actually, he's Apophis."
"I knew that! And number three is either Homer Simpson or a college frat boy."
"Homer would be correct Carter."
They go back to their seats.
"Five thousand points to Teal'c. Loved the impersonation of Apophis."
"It is my honor to serve."
"And now on to a game called props! This is for all four of you. Daniel, this is you and Teal'c's prop." Hands them two lampshades.
"Sam, this is you and Jack's prop." Hands them two green fuzzy objects.
"Whenever you're ready, Teal'c and Daniel, take it away."
"These do not appear to be suitable hat's Daniel Jackson."
"They are when you're as drunk as I am dude!"
Buzzbuzz
"Ready? Okay! Let's go devils, let's go!" Sam was shaking fuzzy objects like pom-poms.
Buzzbuzz "Hmm...bulb's busted." Daniel's trying to turn Teal'c on.
Buzzbuzz
"Come on mom, I don't want anymore peas!"
"Eat up dear!" Hands him fuzzy objects.
Buzzbuzz
Daniel and Teal'c have shades on as though they are cones and are barking at each other like rabid dogs.
Buzzbuzz
"It's the tribbles gone sixties!"
Buzzbuzzbuzzbuzz
"Two thousand points goes to Daniel for trying to turn Teal'c on."
"We're gonna take a break, we'll be right back after this!"
-=-=-=-=-
"We're back, and now on to a game called question's only. This is again, for all four of you. Okay, I need a location from someone in the audience." Several shouts ring out. "I heard fans from opposing sides at a football game. Jack and Daniel, whenever you're ready, take it away."
"Who are you rooting for?"
"What does it matter."
"Are you for the Eagles."
"Who would go for them?"
"You're saying you're not?"
"What if I am?" Daniel sputters and walks off.
Sam's turn. "How are you?"
"How does it look like I'm doing?"
"Aren't you just a bit touchy?"
"Aren't you asking just a few too many questions?"
"Don't the Eagles stink?"
"What? You don't like them?"
"Who could?"
Jack cracks up and leaves.
Teal'c's turn.
Sam just leaves.
Daniel comes on.
"Who do you think is gonna win?"
"Do you not believe the Devils are far superior warriors?"
"Why would I?"
"Do you not value your life?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Did you not realize that you are sitting on the Devil's side?" Daniel walks off.
Buzzbuzzbuzzbuzz
They all return to their seats.
"Three thousand points goes to Teal'c, just because I feel like it."
Teal'c gives a short bow of the head. "Okay, now onto Newscasters. This is for all four of you. Sam, you're gonna be the newscaster, Teal'c you're gonna be helping her as though you were a guy on Soul Train. Daniel, you're gonna be doing sports as though you were King Kong, and Jack, you're gonna be doing weather as though you were doing an underwear commercial. Whenever you're ready, take it away."
Music starts up.
"Good evening. I'm Drunk, and this is the morning news. For more of what's going on in the world this is Bob. Bob?"
"Thank you Drunk. There's been a whole lot of shakin' going on up in the north."
Breaks out in full disco style dancing.
"And now back to you Drunk."
"Okay then. We now take you over to Spacemonkey with sports. Spacemonkey?"
"Roar."
Begins pounding chest and rips shirt open, much to the delight of the women in the audience. Begins searching for someone. Spots Janet sitting on the first row. Does an ape walk over to her and proceeds to throw her over his shoulder. She is wearing a short shirt, and when he does this, it shows the entire audience her underwear. She doesn't know at first why the audience is laughing. It suddenly hits her. She pushes herself off and tries to run away. Daniel grabs her again, but doesn't throw her over his shoulder. He just pulls her by the hand close to his chest.
"Well, that was certainly interesting. And now over to Dondre with the weather. Dondre?" "Thanks Drunk, it seems that it's going to be quite chilly this week. It will mostly likely be freezing the gel in my hair."
He slowly begins to 'strip'. He then proceeds to do various poses that would make Abercrombie models jealous. He is completely ignoring the looks that Sam is giving him.
"Thank you Dondre. And that's it."
Buzzbuzzbuzzbuzz
"We're gonna take a quick break, and we'll pick a winner when we get back!"
"We're back. Tonight's winner is Daniel!" audience cheers for Daniel.
"We're gonna be doing a game for you called Superheroes! I need a crisis from the audience." Shouts ring out. "I heard no more smart people left in the world. We need a name for Jack." More shouts are heard. "Captain Underpants! So, Captain Underpants, you have to solve the problem of having no more smart people around. What are you gonna do? Whenever you're ready take it away!"
"Let's just see what we've got in the paper today..." gets shocked look on face. "There's no more smart people left in the world! I hope my friends get here soon." Teal'c jumps in.
"Greetings."
"Oh thank god you're here...wacky duck boy."
"Quack."
Begins to move like a chicken. Throws in a random word every now and then.
"I got your message." Hammond.
"Yourself."
"What's going on?"
"It appears there's no more smart people left sir."
"That's a damn shame."
"I'm here! What's up?"
"Hippie chick! You're just in time."
"Well, you know it's like, my pleasure man."
"Got any idea on how to solve this?"
"Yeah, this." leans up and kisses Jack full on the mouth.
"If that doesn't work, you could always send more people to school man. Adios. I gotta go romp in the flowers."
Walks off stage.
"I think I'm gonna go with her."
"Quack." They all leave but Jack.
"Another crisis averted. We saved the day."
Suddenly Teal'c runs back on, says 'Quack' and runs back off.
"That's it everybody! Good night!" As the credits roll, they all stand around talking.
-fin-
So, what did you think? Did you like? Not like? What? Personally, I hated it, but that's just me...