A/N: Gracias to reviewers, and I hope you'll do so again, whether this remains good or not. I've tried my best to get inside Luka's head, and I hope I've done well. Don't hesitate to tell me if I haven't. I was originally going to put a Carter chapter up first, but I felt the events of that chapter needed this chapter to explain it all better. Thus, we have Luka. Carter coming soon, if I continue.

Note: This fic might be Luby, it might be Carby, it might be both, it might be neither. No one knows. Except me, of course. But that doesn't mean I'm going to tell you…

Oh, and thanks to NaomiP for pointing out my mistake… shall be fixed along with this update. And I hope this satisfies you in that it actually has some story. ;-)

WHAT CAME BEFORE

Luka: Edges Of The Rays

It's not light. Not quite. The sun is gradually rising, but you can't see where it is, with only the vibrant edges of the rays showing above the city landscape. The very top of the sky is still dark, still night. You could fly upward and be back at midnight; but you'd be in the air, where birds would fly and clouds would float.

The air is dirty. To my eyes, the air is murky, almost black. Nothing compared to air in Croatia. I don't really remember that, though. I only remember that on summer days, with the sun high in the sky, it shone clearly through the air, reflecting off the perfect lakes like they were mirrors. Smooth, glorious, beautiful mirrors.

Sometimes, I miss home. I miss it when I'm alone, and when I'm surrounded by people. I miss it when I hear someone speak Croatian, or when I hear news of the Balkans on my wide-screen television. I miss just being there, standing outside our apartment building, just looking out at the roads in the morning, the early morning rush nothing compared to what it was in Chicago. I miss waking up next to Danijela, with the excited sounds of my daughter in her bedroom, or the loud screams of my baby son in the corner of the room.

I sometimes wonder what I would feel like if I didn't miss it. I wondered if I would any happier than I am now.

Happy. I haven't been that in a long, long time.

I had it with Abby. For a while. Then I fucked it all up. And it was all my fault. Every bit of it.

And now, she's with Carter. Carter's great. Carter saves lives. Carter gets the girl. Carter's rich. Carter's successful. Carter has everything I don't.

There he is now. I smile at him, the quickest, briefest of smiles, but he spots it, and returns it, as he walks through the doors into the hospital, pushing his bag strap up onto his shoulder as the doors steam shut again.

I should get back inside. It's cold outside. I rub my hands together and blow on them, rubbing them together again. It's not like they'll catch on fire or anything, though, is it?

I walk back in, glancing through the door to the doctor's lounge where I see Carter putting his coat into his locker, swinging his lab coat on and slamming his locker shut. I walk over to admit, grabbing three charts near me on the rack and looking down at what I picked. Gout; swollen ankle; and a vomiting little old lady. Aren't I the lucky one?

"Kovac, Weaver's on the hunt for you," I hear Frank say, and look around at him.

I frown, and he senses me looking at him and glances at me. "What've I done now?"

He shrugs. "Killed anyone?" he suggests, turning back to his computer. I roll my eyes, and make my way toward the bed where the girl with the swollen ankle lies.

She looks up at me, looking scared, and in pain. I smile, trying my best to ease her feelings. "Hi, I'm Dr. Kovac."

She smiles. "Valerie."

"What seems to be the problem?" I ask, easing into conversation with her.

"I slipped in hockey practice and twisted my ankle. It hurts," she said, avoiding my gaze nervously as she pointing to her ankle, obviously swollen.

"Okay, well, we're going to need to take a cultures, and make sure it's not infected, and maybe give you something for the pain," I say, and she smiles.

"Thanks," she says.

I smile down at her. "No problem. A nurse will be over soon, okay?" I say, and she nods.

I look down at the next chart in my hand and walk across the room toward the trauma rooms, stopping at the bed right next to trauma one, where I could see Carter and Chen already busily working. Carter, the one who saves all the lives.

Whereas I just ruin them. And the one I ruined the best, was, ironically… my own.

"Luka!"

I hear Kerry's yell and I turn, knowing trying to get away would be futile. Her expression, to my surprise, doesn't hold anger, or disgust… if anything, I see compassion in her eyes. But maybe I'm just seeing things.

"Yeah?" I say, trying to sound casual.

She looks around, and sees Frank listening from admit. She shoots a glare at him, and he moves away, but she moves me towards the lounge anyway.

"Luka… I've noticed- we've all noticed- that you've been a little off lately, especially with the Harkins situation," she says, seeming rather cautious.

"What do you want, Kerry?" I ask, interrupting.

She stares at me. "Well, if you wanted to, you're more than welcome to take some time off," she says.

I stare back. She wants me to take time off, when work is the only thing that seems capable of keeping me remotely like myself. I don't like what I've become, but working lets me hold on to at least a part of what I am.

"You want me to take time off?" I echo.

"Just for a little while… I think you need it," she says, her weak smile flickering.

I frown at her. "I'm fine, Kerry," I say. Fine. Always fine.

She sighs. "Luka, please. If you don't take some time and sort yourself out, you're going to start endangering the patients! I mean, you already did with Rick Kendrick, but you have a chance. I'm giving you a chance to sort yourself out. I don't want you gone, but I can't let you carry on this way. Take a week off, sort yourself out, and we'll talk, okay?" she says, and hobbles out, her crutch pounding against the floor.

I turn. "Kerry-"

"I don't want to hear it, Luka. You're taking time off. Go home!" she shouts, and the door swings shut.

I found my head was throbbing. I sat down on the couch that lay in this lounge, alone. It squeaked slightly, but it was soft, and I sank into it, closing my eyes as it buckled beneath my weight. But it was still soft, and I could lie against it forever, if they let me.

I knew they wouldn't.

But I didn't know who they are.

I hear someone, someone enter the room, the noise coming from the ER entering and leaving my ears within just a few seconds. The doors swings shut again, and I hear a locker being opened, and someone softly humming a tune. I'm guessing they haven't realized I'm here yet, whoever they might be.

Sure enough, the locker slams shut and the humming stops, and all is quiet, just for a moment.

"Are you alright?"

It's her. Her honeyed voice softly taps out genuine concern, and I hear her shoes as she walks nearer, and the couch squeak as she takes her place next to me. Only, she didn't want that place anymore.

"I'm fine," I lie, not opening my eyes. "You should get back to work," I say, but she doesn't make any sounds of movement.

"If you're okay, why won't you look at me?" she asks, and I hear the brilliant defiance in her voice that I remembered so well.

I open my eyes and glance at her, seeing her eyes, her sparkling eyes, look down at my slumped form. Then I close my eyes again. "Happy?"

"No," she replied, and suddenly her warm fingers are on my eyelids, pulling them upward so I was looking up at the dirty ceiling.

I swat her hands away, my breath catching in my throat for a second as my fingers gaze hers. But she doesn't notice. She never does.

"Fine," I say, sitting up and turning my body so it faced her, and she smiled. She sweet smile made all the more special by the fact that it rarely appeared. I hoped I was the one who'd seen it most, though. "Happy now?" I ask.

"No," she repeats. "Luka, are you okay?"

"You already asked me that, and I said I was fine," I said, firmly. I wasn't sure exactly what she wanted, but at least she was finally giving me the time of day.

"You don't seem fine, or you wouldn't be lying in here with your eyes closed," she replied, frowning.

"Cut to the chase, Abby," I interrupt, not wanting her to turn her back, but testing if she would. "What do you want?"

She sighs. "You seem to have been rather… depressed, lately," she says, finally.

"You're right. I am. I'm sleeping with millions of women when the only one I really want is you."

"What do you mean?"

Sighing again, she pulls her feet up onto the couch and squats next to me. "Luka… you slept with Chuny, you slept with someone's wife, and word is you've been seen around with a hooker," she says, staring at me.

I stare at her. "That's all gossip," I dismiss, but she snorts.

"Please, Luka, everyone knows what a mess you've got yourself into! I don't like seeing you like this," she says, her face pained.

"Then don't. Come back, and make me how I should be. How I was with you."

"I'm fine," I insist.

She sighs yet again, her gaze unmoving from my face. She's nearer to me than I remember; so close, I could touch her lips within one second, and feel exactly how I longed to feel right at that moment.

"Luka…"

"Look, what brought this on? Why do you suddenly want to talk now?"

She frowns at me. "Luka, you're my friend, and I still care about you. Or am I not allowed to do that anymore?"

"It just seems a little weird that you want to talk now. I mean, shouldn't you be spending time with Carter?"

She smiles gently, and I feel her soft skin on my hand, and I freeze. "I'm sure he won't mind if I spend one evening with a friend," she says. I nod, although I don't believe it. She smiles, wider. "So it's okay?" she asks.

"It's okay," I reply.

"Okay, well, I'm free… two days from now, what do you say we go out then?" she asks. I nod, and she smiles, and takes her legs off the couch, standing. "We'll sort it out tomorrow, then, 'cause I've got to get back to work," she says, and I nod again, still not trusting myself to say anything.

I watch her leave, tossing her hair over her shoulder as she looks back again with a smile. My heart is thumping in my chest. I don't understand why she suddenly seems to care. Maybe she did, but I was too stupid to notice.