APRIL BEATLES
Chapter 3/7: "I'm Looking Through You"
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She's finally back. She'd taken a week off after my big embarrassing confession... to avoid me, perhaps? To spend time with her new lover? I have no idea. All I know is this woman standing in front of me is not Catherine.
I'm looking through you, where did you go?
This isn't the woman that I've called my best friend for eighteen years, nor is it the woman I fell in love with. I have no idea WHO she is... and maybe I don't wanna know. She made quite a drastic change in one week, however.
I thought I knew you, what did I know?
She still looks exactly the same. Nothing about her physical appearance has been altered in any way. It's her attitude. Her personality. She's become more... icy, almost? More detached.
You don't look different, but you have changed
When I looked into her eyes before, I saw affection, friendship, and trust... among a myriad other things. Now, looking into her eyes is like looking at a block of ice. Unemotional, cold. It's like I can see right past her.
I'm looking through you, you're not the same
She's talking to me now and I'm not hearing a word she's saying. I just keep wondering if it was me who caused this drastic change in her. Is it me? I cock my head slightly and watch the movement of her lips, trying to pretend that I'm paying attention... but my mind just keeps wandering. Is this all my fault?
Your lips are moving, I cannot hear
I know I shouldn't have said anything, but... I honestly thought things would've turned out differently for us. I never thought that telling her I loved her would reduce me to nothing... that her presence leaving the room on that day would have taken my soul with her.
Your voice is soothing, but the words aren't clear
I know this isn't the person she wants to be. I know that acting like an icy bitch is how she copes. I know all this. I've seen her do it to other men before. She's the exact same person she was before, but she purposely distances herself. I know the game. I know it well. I just never thought I'd be her opponent in it.
You don't sound different, I've learned the game
And now her eyes are icing through me again... and once again I'm looking through her as she keeps calling my name. I miss you, Catherine, please come back to me... my mind begs her. But she doesn't listen. All she does is lets out a huff as I still have not acknowleged her calling me... and turns on her heel to leave.
I'm looking through you, you're not the same
The kids now know what's going on. It became all-too-obvious after Catherine had stormed out of my office and then taken the next week off. The kids have changed, too. When they're alone with either Catherine or myself, their efforts to keep a light mood are strained. And when Catherine and I are in a room together... they walk on eggshells. Why is this happening? Why did she have to walk away?
Why, tell me why do you not treat me right
If she doesn't love me, then she doesn't love me. But this sudden change in her personality and her demeanor isn't helping anybody. It's making the kids nervous, and frankly... it's worrying me a little.
Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight
The thing that worries me most is knowing that she still looks at me the same. I'm still Gil... I'm sure she still calls me her best friend. And there's even this little part inside me, gnawing away at me, telling me that, despite what she did... despite the fact that she walked out on me, that maybe she DOES love me.
You're thinking of me the same old way
But she's so cold. She's so very cold to me now. To all of us. I don't know what to do. In normal circumstances, if it were one of the kids acting like this, I'd lecture them about not bringing their personal problems to work and taking it out on the team. But in this case? I AM the personal problem... that she has to see everyday at work.
You were above me, but not today
So I can't lecture her. I can't put her in her place. I'm the cause of her abrupt change in attitude.
The only difference is you're down there
So for now, what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to just keep looking past what's going on? Looking past how she's treating the team? Looking past HER?
And I'm looking through you, and you're nowhere
What am I supposed to do? If I'm the cause of this whole debacle, how do I fix it? You can't exactly take back an 'I love you.'
Why, tell me why do you not treat me right
Once it's out there, it's out there. You can't take back your total disregard for somebody's personal relationships, either.
Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight
I knew she was dating somebody, and yet I told her how I felt. That has to be what's got her so steamed. Because, if she'd been single, she would've said it back, right? Or did I wait too long?
I'm looking through you, where did you go?
So many questions in my head, and I know that she's the only one with the answer key. So for now, I'll do what I do best. I'll run.
I thought I knew you, what did I know?
Sure, it's cowardly. Sure, I should be a man and just sit her down to talk... but I don't care. My body's kicking in that fight-or-flight thing... and I'm leaning toward the flight. I can't face her now.
You don't look different, but you have changed
And my final thought, as I head out to the parking lot... has shivers crawling down my spine more powerful than her icy stare could manage. I don't know who she is anymore.
And I'm looking through you, and you're not the same
Maybe I never did.
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CONTINUED IN CHAPTER FOUR: "Misery"