APRIL BEATLES
Chapter 4/7: "Misery"
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Slamming the door to my townhouse, I drop my stuff by the door and head for the couch, flopping down with all the melodrama I can muster. I think I've gone through enough. I think I deserve an 'oh-woe-is-me' attitude.
The world is treating me bad, misery
Every time I see her, I want to just cry. And that's a lot, coming from me. I know I'm an unemotional man. I trained myself to be like that. But what's been happening is just too much for even the Tin Man to take, and I feel tears sting my eyes.
I'm the kind of guy who never used to cry
I hate this feeling. I hate feeling like my life is out of control. I spend so much time making sure everything is going like clockwork. But one little let-down from the love of my life and suddenly everything's a downward spiral.
The world is treating me bad, misery
I can't believe I've ruined this. I can't believe I single-handedly destroyed everything I held dear to me in my life. She becomes more distant by the minute, and I'm sure it won't be long before her letter of resignation is atop my pile of paperwork.
I've lost her now for sure, I won't see her no more
I don't know what I'd do if she left CSI. Not being able to see her face everyday would slowly kill me. Although, seeing that icy glare every day is slowly killing me too. I wonder which would kill me faster.
It's gonna be a drag, misery
I think back to happier times... when I didn't act impulsively and ruin things. When we were in love with each other, there was no doubt about it, and nobody said anything about it. Back to when we could flirt openly with each other... feeling that rush, that childlike giddiness of being around your favorite person and speaking a language that only the two of you know.
I remember all the little things we've done
Back to when we had a connection. Our connection. Can't she feel that connection? Can't she tell, just by being in the same room with me? By feeling the energy that has always leapt between us ever since we met? I could never have that with anyone else... and I doubt she could, either.
Can't she see she'll always be the only one, the only one
I just wanna turn back the clock. I wanna take it back to a week ago, when I'd pulled her into my office to tell her that I loved her, and just... not. Not say anything incriminating. Not say something that would subsequently cause my whole world to implode. I just wanna go back to when she would let me be around her... to when she was glad I was around.
Send her back to me, 'cause everyone can see
I just want something, ANYTHING, to happen that will bring her back to me. I can't take this anymore. This isn't how we were meant to be. We were meant to be together... in love. Everyone knows it. They may not say it, but it's evident. They know. A person who was blind, deaf, and mute would know. Does SHE know?
Without her I will be in misery
My mind once again drifts to all the wonderful times we shared, each one connecting to the last in a string of blissful memories. The first to jump into my mind is the moment she came back from Miami, having just closed a case that had started in Vegas, and led us on a wild goose chase to Dade county. The banter we so easily passed back and forth. Like playing an intimate game of catch... a game that we only played with each other. And that smile she tossed at me as she left my office can still send my stomach cartwheeling. The next is when I had my surgery. The sound of her voice drawing my eyes to the doorway and then being allowed to feast on her image... standing casually in the doorway with that angelic smile on her face. God, I love that smile. And then the sound of her voice as she told me she just wanted to see me... and wish me 'good luck.' That little 'good luck' said more than any amount of 'I love you's ever could have.
I remember all the little things we've done
Then how close we got this year... except for recently. All the little back and forth flirting we'd done. Her seductive little comments in the viewing room about my 'tough act'... how the townspeople in Jackpot, Nevada continually called her my wife. Everytime they did it, I'd get butterflies. I was in no hurry to correct them. Then how I pressed her up against the Denali after hearing an explosion... wanting to shield and protect the one thing in the world I valued over my own life. Her. Does she not remember all this? Won't she eventually uncover all the evidence I've already documented and filed away in my brain that proves how perfect we are for one another? I'm just hoping that when she does, it won't be too late.
She'll remember and she'll miss her only one, lonely one
Oh God. Just that thought alone makes me sick. Her being too late. No. I don't want that to happen... I won't let that happen. God, I just need to see her. Please... just somehow, send her to me. Send her to me and let us talk. Let us repair all the damage that's been inflicted on our relationship.
Send her back to me, 'cause everyone can see
Because I can't live without her. I love her... and dammit, I don't care how she acted. She loves me.
Without her I will be in misery
A knock at the door catches my attention, and my heart bumps into my throat. Is this a cruel joke? Or have my prayers been answered? As the knock steadily increases in volume, I head for the door, taking long strides to ensure I get there in time. Let it be her.
In misery
When the door opens, I gasp... and practically choke on the air I'd swallowed. Is this my second chance, or one last twist of the knife?
My misery
She meets my eyes and allows a tiny smile to escape, then brushes past me to head into the townhouse. My head follows her, and her name escapes my lips in a breath. "Catherine..."
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CONTINUED IN CHAPTER FIVE: "We Can Work It Out"