Author's Note: This is a reaction to Trojan Horse...I appreciated the shot
of Harm/Mac reaction in that episode. It was a nice change sarcasm
abounds...Hope you enjoy it.
Disclaimer: I don't even own the computer I'm writing this on.
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Simon walks away and I look after him for a moment, turning my attention to Harm when I feel him step closer to me. I look up at him, but don't speak.
"You get the insight you were hoping for?" He asks me. I sigh.
"More than I wanted to know," I tell him, thinking back to the conversation that Simon and I had about Clay. If he is in love with me, will he quit the CIA? Will he give up his way of life for me? I begin stepping up the ladder to the next deck, and Harm opens his mouth to impart some pearl of knowledge. He must love being my hero.
"Well I know it isn't easy, I mean even things in normal relationships--" he begins. I cut him off, incredulous. What is he trying to tell me about normal?
"Harm, I've seen you through how many women? And you've watched me fall in love, fall out of love, get confused, get angry...What is normal? I don't think there's any such thing," I tell him, really beginning to step up the ladder. If I know him at all, he'll leave our conversation at that and let me escape. His voice surprises me.
"You know, we've been dancing around this for a year now," he says. I turn and look at him, to see if I know what he's talking about. The look on his face makes me back down a step, a few inches closer to the ground and to him. I just look at him, and he speaks again.
"Are you in love with Webb?" He asks, his voice low. If only he knew the confusing things running through my head right now. I think for only a moment, because I know that he will use any hesitation on my part to claim that I don't know what I'm feeling.
"I might be," I say. He almost looks like he wants to roll his eyes, but he doesn't.
"So you're doing what you always do; not committing and leaving your options open," he says. Images of Mic and the Admiral's porch flash through my mind, but I quickly push them to the background.
"Are you trying to push me into his arms, Harm? Is that really what you want?" I ask him, knowing full well that that is the exact opposite of what he wants, though he'd never admit it. With a final look that I can't read, he backs away from me a few inches.
"If you love him, it doesn't really matter what I want," he says quietly, turning and walking down the hallway, leaving me staring after him.
What does that mean? I can't stop watching him; the way that he's moving is attesting more than enough to what he's feeling. His back is rigid and his shoulders are tense. He's hurting.
Shaking my head, I turn and take a step up the ladder.
'Mac, you have someone who will always love you.'
The thought flashes through my mind, like a clip from a movie. Harm and I standing close on the Admiral's porch, he looking at me as if I'm the only thing in his world... And the feeling I got in my stomach when he looked into my eyes and said the word 'love'. He hadn't even said directly that he loved me, but I was so taken when he said that; I knew then that I needed him.
Turning back around and looking to see if he's still in the hallway, I see that he's gone. I start to go back to where I was headed, but I feel like if I don't go after him, I'm going to regret it. He came after me in Paraguay, and some twisted, confused part of me is saying that I need to go after him now.
I take a breath and hurry down the last couple of steps, following in the direction that he disappeared in. Where was he headed? His cabin is the other way, and the mess hall is too.
As I turn the corner, I spy the door that is marked 'Vulture Row'. A feeling rises in my stomach and I know that that's where I'm going to find him. Opening the door, I step out and am hit with a wind of such great force that I nearly am forced back inside. Stepping out and closing the door behind me, I look down the way and spy him leaning against the railing.
The determination and magnetic pull that I felt in the hallway are gone now, and I'm left to stand up to him by myself. As I watch him, he turns his head and looks at me, his face almost devoid of any kind of emotion.
It occurs to me now that the problem I've been worrying about with Clay may be effecting Harm in a different way. Is he tiring out from spending so many years being emotionally inaccessible? Has pushing people away hurt him as much as it has hurt everyone else? As much as it has hurt me?
I take a deep breath and step over to him, leaning against the railing next to him. His eyes still burn into me, focused to intently on my face that I begin to blush. He must have seen the color rise in my cheeks, because he turns his head away and looks down at the water below us.
"I'm not in love with him," I say, forced to speak a little bit loudly in order for him to hear me over the rushing wind. He looks at me again, turning around and leaning backwards on the railing. The ache in my back makes me stand straight up, and I studiously avoid his gaze.
"I know," he mutters, still looking at me. I turn to him, confused.
"You know? Then why did you ask?" I ask, a little upset. Is he toying with me? He sighs.
"I asked because I wanted to know if you knew; or if we're close enough for you to tell me," he says. My eyes drop to the floor, and I feel ashamed.
"I know...And I wouldn't have told you," I say. He shakes his head.
"Then why did you?" He asks. I look back up at him, a feeling rising in the pit of my stomach that I recognize from countless other conversations with him. The look in his eyes when he's gazing at me like that is what does it; he looks like he's in love with me, and I like it.
"Because of the look on your face when you said that what you wanted didn't matter," I say, then pause. "It matters to me, Harm." He nods.
"So you're not in love with him. What does that mean?" He asks. His voice is strained, and I wonder for a moment if he's having as hard a time with this as I am. I shrug.
"I don't know anymore, Harm. I mean...I love him. He's a good man and he cares for me so much. But the thing is, I refuse to make myself fall in love with him, and even if I could, the way that I catch you looking at me when you think I don't know makes it hard to even stay with him," I breathe the last part out, hoping that this won't backfire on me. If this conversation blows up in my face, I don't know what's going to come of me. Harm looks hopeful.
"I look at you that way because I--Because I--" He stops, frowning. He can't even say it.
"This is so pathetic, Harm. I mean, look at us! You can't even admit how you feel about me. I've spent years stuck on you, the man that is too emotionally closed off to even notice that I've been in love with you this whole time!" I burst, looking at him with a frantic kind of frustration that has come from years of holding in my feelings for him. He looks surprised.
"You're in love with me?" He asks, sounding as shocked as he looks. I put my hands over my eyes, turning away from him and resting my elbows on the railing. After a second, I look back up at him.
"That's why we'll never work out, Harm. We're not as in tune as we think we are. We're always so out of sync," I say. He looks at the floor for a moment, then steps over to where I stand and puts his hand on my cheek, gently encouraging me to stand up straight and look at him. I do, and he clenches his jaw for a second before speaking.
"I have been in love with you too long to not have known how you feel about me. I'm sorry, I should have been more attentive. It's not that we're out of sync, Sarah. I think we're just scared of doing things right," he says, looking so deeply into my eyes that I want to cry. He's in love with me.
"You're in love with me too," I whisper, looking up at him helplessly. He closes his eyes for a second, then looks at me again.
"Yeah, I am. I just want to work things out with us, Sarah. I know we can do it," he murmurs, his thumb sweeping slowly over my skin. Reaching up, I place my hand over his and rub his knuckles with my thumb, looking up at him.
"I'm going to need some time," I mutter, trying not to succumb to the dancing fingers of electricity spreading where his skin is touching mine. He nods.
"Of course. I know...Just don't forget that I'm waiting, please. I'll be waiting," he promises, a small smile finding him. I can't help but smile a little myself, and he drops his hand from my face, taking mine with it. Hanging between us, his fingers grip mine for a half second before he tosses me a Flyboy grin and turns back to the railing, leaning on it and looking out to sea.
For a moment, I don't know whether to stay or go. But then, seeing the man that I love in his natural element, I smile and decide to stay. I lean against the railing next to him, closer this time, and make sure our shoulders are touching just a little.
Things are still complicated, but now the sick feeling of emptyness that was eating away at my heart is gone, replaced by a warmth that I've only ever felt in the presence of the man beside me.
I think today has been a good day.
-------------- The Next Day Mac's Apartment Georgetown 1852 EST
I sigh as I unlock the door to my apartment, tired from the travelling of the past day. The only thing that saved the last fourteen hours from being a complete disaster was that Harm was there, and for the first time in a long time (ever maybe), there was no awkwardness, no tension. We were completely as ease with each other, and it was nice.
As I open the door, I am surprised for a second to see the lights on. That surprise fades when I see Clay sitting on the couch, watching ZNN. He looks up when I come in, and smiles at me.
"Hey Sarah," he says, getting up from his seat and walking over to me. My heart leaps in my throat and I smile back, wondering what's got him in such a good mood. Clay steps up to me, leaning forward to kiss me on the lips. I kiss him back, surprised when he doesn't try to deepen it and pull me closer. He just pulls away, smiling, and takes my seabag from me, taking it to my bedroom and putting it in its place.
"Clay, are you alright?" I ask him as he walks back into the room. He nods, still with that smile on his face.
"I've never been better. How was your trip?" He asks. I shrug, loosening my uniform tie and unbuttoning my jacket.
"It was okay. Harm and I had to arrest a spy...He was the guy we were after the whole time, we just didn't know it," I explain, slipping my jacket off and heading to my bedroom to change into some pajamas. Clay follows me back into the room, coming to a stop at my bed and sitting down.
"Rabb was there?" He asks as I go into my closet and hang up my jacket with the others. I nod.
"Yeah. He was actually there in the first place; I flew out to help him with the investigation," I say, taking my tie off and hanging it on the rack with the rest of them. I unbutton my blouse as I see Clay getting up out of the corner of my eye, and I turn my attention back to undressing myself.
"How did that go?" He asks, his voice quieter than usual. I turn my head and look at him, raising an eyebrow as I slip my blouse off my shoulders, careful of the pain in my back. I grab a hanger and put the uniform blouse on it, hanging it up.
"How did what go? Working with Harm?" I ask, puzzled. He nods a little, his eyes flickering down my body then back to my face. I shrug, kicking my shoes off and putting them in their place, then unzipping my skirt.
"It was fine. He was very focused on doing the job...The only thing that made it difficult was that he was being a little bit of a jerk to the spy I told you about," I tell him, stepping out of my skirt and placing it on its hanger. I slide my stockings off, rolling them up and putting them where they go, then turn to Clay, clad in my standard white bra and panties.
"Rabb didn't like the spy? There's a new one," he mutters, chuckling a little. I can't help a small smile and a shrug, stepping around Clay to get out of the closet and back to the bedroom. He puts an arm out and braces it against the doorway of the closet, trapping me in with him. We stand face- to-face in the doorway, me in my skivvies and he fully clothed, and he looks at me intently, raising a hand to my hair and letting it slip through his fingers.
"I missed you," he murmurs, still playing with my hair. I resist the urge to close my eyes and lose myself, but instead look up at him.
"I missed you too," I tell him. I'm not lying; I miss being around someone that knows me intimately and that wants to tell me how much I mean to him, even if he's not Harm.
Clay leans close to me, kissing me softly on the lips. That softness turns to passion quickly, and he steps forward, pressing me between himself and the wall behind me. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I slide my leg up his and brace my thigh on his hip, bringing our hips together. He reaches down with one hand and lifts my leg further onto his hip, and I gasp at the feeling.
"Mmm..." I murmur, tangling my fingers in his hair. He reaches around me and puts his other hand on my lower back, pulling me closer to him that way.
A bolt of pain shoots through my back and I cry out, throwing my head back and wincing.
"Ahh!" I cry, and he lets me go, stepping back.
"What? What's the matter?" He asks, his voice hoarse. I lean against the wall behind me, my hands on my back.
"God, my back! Oh...Can we move this to the bed?" I ask, and he nods.
"Of course, yeah...I'm so sorry. Why didn't you tell me your back was acting up again?" He asks, leading my by my elbow to the bed. I shrug, sitting down.
"I thought it was better. It hurt a little on the ship, but it hadn't since then..." I explain, plopping down on my back and staring at the ceiling. He lies down next to me, on his side, facing me.
"Maybe you should go to a chiropractor," he suggests, reaching out and tracing circles over my stomach. I nod.
"Yeah, I've been thinking seriously about it," I tell him, sighing. He leans over to me, kissing me again and re-igniting the passion from before.
The next few minutes involve a lot of touching and kissing, and he finally makes the move to take it to the next level. I let myself fall into it, losing myself and forgetting the problems from the past few days.
By nature, I am not a talker during sex. For some reason, as my mind wanders over the past couple of days, I find myself vocalizing more than normal. I can tell it's turning Clay on to hear me, so I let myself go, crying out and making noise.
Unbidden, the conversation that Harm and I had on the ship comes to my mind, and I find myself more turned on. It's easy to replace Clay with Harm in my mind as I remember how I felt when Harm was looking at me, when he was touching my cheek and I felt enough electricity to light up the whole District.
"Ohh...Oh Harm!" I cry out, surprised when the man on top of me stops his actions. Opening my eyes and looking up at him, I see not a passionate Harm but a surprised Clayton Webb staring down at me, looking as if he might be sick. My mouth gapes open and I almost forget what we're doing.
"Oh god, I'm sorry Clay. I'm sorry, it just came out..." I try to cover, but he shakes his head and gets off of me, leaving me cold on the bed by myself. I watch him grab his underwear and put them on, shaking his head the whole time.
"Clay, don't do this," I say, grabbing a sheet and covering myself with it. He looks up at me.
"Sarah, you just called out Rabb's name while we were making love. I think that's more than enough reason for me to leave," he says, putting on his pants. I shake my head and put my head in my hands, sighing.
"Clay, it was an accident! I didn't do it on purpose," I say. Suddenly the knowledge that Clay and I are over hits me, and I frown. He looks up at me after putting his shirt back on, and he looks sad.
"Look...I know that you didn't mean to. But that just makes it worse. I'm sorry, Sarah. It's over with us. I think we both know that," he says, leaning over and kissing my cheek. Then he goes over to my dresser and grabs his clothes out of the bottom drawer, throwing them in the duffle bag that he keeps here.
"Clay, don't do this. Don't leave," I beg, watching him fling the bag over his shoulder. He looks at me.
"I...I love you Sarah. But this isn't going to work. You're in love with Rabb and I can't give up the CIA. We've both seen this coming for a while now, haven't we?" He asks, tears in his eyes. A few tears slip down my cheeks, and I choke back a sob.
"Clay..." I try, but he just smiles sadly and walks out of my room. I hear him open the front door and lock it, closing it softly behind him.
I sit alone on my bed, my head in my hands, his words running through my head over and over again. As much as I had hoped that we could work something out, he knew...He knew how I've always felt for Harm.
A sigh escapes me as I cry out my frustrations, weeping for the man that loved me so much and that could never have replaced my best friend.
------------ The Next Day JAG Headquarters Falls Church, Virginia 1035 EST
The ache in my back is so intense that I have to sit up straight in my office chair, and I close my eyes against the pain.
I haven't seen Harm today, but I think that's just because I've had myself locked up in my office. I've only been dumped once before Clay, but it feels like the end of the world. I feel tired and I'm hurt that he didn't want to work things out with me.
With a sigh and another wince at the pain in my back, I stand up and head out of my office, off to get a dose of caffiene. I manage to avoid contact with any other human being on the way to the breakroom, and I close the door after me once I get in there.
I go about making my coffee and resting for a few minutes, silently working and hoping that no one will catch me in here.
"Morning, Mac," a voice says, startling me. I didn't hear anyone come in, and I certainly didn't expect Harm to come in here after me. He's standing there, the door closed behind him, looking at me with a soft smile on his handsome face. A smile comes to my lips, unbidden, and I turn back to my coffee, trying to avoid his gaze.
"Morning, Harm," I reply, the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end when I feel him right next to me. I yawn, tiredness piercing through the tension in my body that has come from being so close to him. He looks over at me, and I can feel his curious gaze even though I'm not looking at him.
"Didn't get enough sleep last night?" He asks, a hint of teasing and innuendo. I shake my head.
"No, I didn't, actually," I say, stirring some sugar into my coffee. I turn and look at him. Why does he look so devestated?
"Oh. So Webb came over," he says, looking into his coffee cup. I nod, watching carefully the expression on his face.
"He was there when I got home," I murmur, watching his brow dip in a slight frown.
"I, uh, don't suppose you were up all night talking?" He gulps, and suddenly I know why he's acting so weird.
"No," I respond, unwilling to tell him more without a little prompting. He looks over at me, an almost blank look on his face like the one I saw two days ago on the ship.
"I see," he says. Suddenly the memory of calling his name out in bed crosses my mind, and I blush, turning my gaze to the floor.
"I don't think you do," I tell him, glancing back up at him. He looks confused.
"What do you mean? Webb didn't spend the night?" He asks. On any other occasion, I might get angry with him for prying, but this is different. I want him to get posessive and jealous for me. I don't know why it bothered me in the past; I'm basking in the feeling of being coveted now. I shake my head.
"No. He actually left...He left me," I say quietly, looking back up at him. He looks surprised. Genuinely surprised, not even smug or anything.
"He left you? Why?" He asks. I hesitate, unsure of whether he needs to know about what I did. Then I remember that we're being open and honest with each other now. I sigh, staring into my coffee and floating off into a little bit of a daze as I realize what I did. I never thought I would call out the wrong name...It seems like such a cliche, stupid thing to do.
"I said Harm instead of Clay," I murmur, replaying the scene over and over again in my head.
"What do you mean?" He asks. I smile and shake my head disgustedly, looking up at him.
"I didn't call out his name in bed last night. I called yours," I tell him, looking into his eyes. They widen in surprise, but I can also read understanding there. Surely he's never done something like that before.
"Oh...Wow. Wow. You know, I've done the same thing before," he says once he gets over his surprise. I raise my eyebrows, almost unable to believe him.
"You have? With who?" I ask, genuinely curious. He blushes and looks away from me, staring at his feet.
"It was when I was with Renee...It actually happened more than once, too," he says, chuckling a little. Narrowing my eyes at him, I try to figure this out.
"Whose name did you say, Harm?" I ask him. He bites his lower lip and looks back up at me, looking into my eyes. He opens his mouth to speak when--
"Good morning, Colonel, Commander," Bud's voice rings out through the room and Harm and I both jump, broken from our conversation and from the moment. I look at Bud and force a smile, my gaze drifting back to a silent Harm as Bud tells us about baby Jimmy.
Harm's eyes are still locked on me, and a chill runs down my spine when I feel the intensity of his focus. I look up into his eyes and purse my lips, responding to Bud when he finishes his story. He bids us both goodbye without seeming to notice that we've been totally wrapped up in each other, and leaves us alone again.
"Whose name, Harm?" I ask quietly, still looking at him. He doesn't look away from me.
"Yours," he whispers. My lips part in surprise, and he continues, "Sarah. I said Sarah every time."
A swell of feminine pride washes over me, and my fingers curl around the ledge of the counter to steady myself from falling over.
"You did?" I ask him. He nods gravely, a hint of a smile gracing his features.
"Yeah. I'm surprised they didn't leave me sooner...It happened with Jordan and Renee," he says, that self-deprecating attitude of his somehow making him even more attractive to me.
"I can understand why she didn't. I know I wouldn't give you up," I murmur, still looking right at him. He smiles again.
"You wouldn't?" He teases. I shrug, a blush creeping up my cheeks and my lips curving up in a smile.
"Well, now wait a second, you were calling out another woman's name in bed...I think that would be hard to get past," I say, unable to look away from him. He shrugs, flashing me that adorable crooked smile of his.
"I don't know...You wouldn't have to worry about me calling another woman's name. You've been the 'other woman' since Jordan," he tells me. I can hardly believe this; he's confirming every hopeful feeling that I've had since I first fell for him all those years ago.
"You're not making it easy for me to stay away from you, Sailor. I wish I could just..." I murmur, trailing off and finding myself unable to tell him that I want to kiss him senseless right now. He nods, his intense eyes burning into me.
"I know. I wish I could kiss you," he pauses, "I miss how you taste. It's been over two years since that kiss under the mistletoe, and you look so beautiful every day..." He stops, his chest rising and falling a little faster than before. I'm trying frantically to control my own heartbeat, and it isn't easy. I feel like I've been running a marathon.
"Harm...I would love to continue this conversation with you, but this isn't really the best place or time," I breathe, my eyes flickering over to the door as I realize where we are and what could happen if someone heard us talking about calling out each other's names in bed. Harm looks around suddenly, his eyes wide. He looks surprised.
"Oh my god, I completely forgot where we were! Jesus, I'm sorry, Mac. I didn't mean to get so carried away," he says anxiously, the look on his face indicating nervousness. I shake my head quickly, placing a hand on his cheek.
"Harm, listen to me. I'm not sorry you got carried away. I'm not sorry that I did either. Let's get together tonight and continue this," I murmur, looking into his eyes and making him look into mine. He nods slowly, turning his head and kissing the inside of my wrist quickly before flashing me a Flyboy grin.
"Get with me before you leave today and we'll figure something out," he says, winking at me and grabbing his coffee, turning and walking out of the room and leaving me there. I stand there, my fingers still hooked on the ledge of the counter, my hand drifting at my side.
The scent of his cologne still drifts in the air, I can still feel the heat on my hand where I was touching his skin...My heart is still racing from all that went on just now. My wrist is tingling where his lips touched me.
What an exciting couple of days.
--------------
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Disclaimer: I don't even own the computer I'm writing this on.
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Simon walks away and I look after him for a moment, turning my attention to Harm when I feel him step closer to me. I look up at him, but don't speak.
"You get the insight you were hoping for?" He asks me. I sigh.
"More than I wanted to know," I tell him, thinking back to the conversation that Simon and I had about Clay. If he is in love with me, will he quit the CIA? Will he give up his way of life for me? I begin stepping up the ladder to the next deck, and Harm opens his mouth to impart some pearl of knowledge. He must love being my hero.
"Well I know it isn't easy, I mean even things in normal relationships--" he begins. I cut him off, incredulous. What is he trying to tell me about normal?
"Harm, I've seen you through how many women? And you've watched me fall in love, fall out of love, get confused, get angry...What is normal? I don't think there's any such thing," I tell him, really beginning to step up the ladder. If I know him at all, he'll leave our conversation at that and let me escape. His voice surprises me.
"You know, we've been dancing around this for a year now," he says. I turn and look at him, to see if I know what he's talking about. The look on his face makes me back down a step, a few inches closer to the ground and to him. I just look at him, and he speaks again.
"Are you in love with Webb?" He asks, his voice low. If only he knew the confusing things running through my head right now. I think for only a moment, because I know that he will use any hesitation on my part to claim that I don't know what I'm feeling.
"I might be," I say. He almost looks like he wants to roll his eyes, but he doesn't.
"So you're doing what you always do; not committing and leaving your options open," he says. Images of Mic and the Admiral's porch flash through my mind, but I quickly push them to the background.
"Are you trying to push me into his arms, Harm? Is that really what you want?" I ask him, knowing full well that that is the exact opposite of what he wants, though he'd never admit it. With a final look that I can't read, he backs away from me a few inches.
"If you love him, it doesn't really matter what I want," he says quietly, turning and walking down the hallway, leaving me staring after him.
What does that mean? I can't stop watching him; the way that he's moving is attesting more than enough to what he's feeling. His back is rigid and his shoulders are tense. He's hurting.
Shaking my head, I turn and take a step up the ladder.
'Mac, you have someone who will always love you.'
The thought flashes through my mind, like a clip from a movie. Harm and I standing close on the Admiral's porch, he looking at me as if I'm the only thing in his world... And the feeling I got in my stomach when he looked into my eyes and said the word 'love'. He hadn't even said directly that he loved me, but I was so taken when he said that; I knew then that I needed him.
Turning back around and looking to see if he's still in the hallway, I see that he's gone. I start to go back to where I was headed, but I feel like if I don't go after him, I'm going to regret it. He came after me in Paraguay, and some twisted, confused part of me is saying that I need to go after him now.
I take a breath and hurry down the last couple of steps, following in the direction that he disappeared in. Where was he headed? His cabin is the other way, and the mess hall is too.
As I turn the corner, I spy the door that is marked 'Vulture Row'. A feeling rises in my stomach and I know that that's where I'm going to find him. Opening the door, I step out and am hit with a wind of such great force that I nearly am forced back inside. Stepping out and closing the door behind me, I look down the way and spy him leaning against the railing.
The determination and magnetic pull that I felt in the hallway are gone now, and I'm left to stand up to him by myself. As I watch him, he turns his head and looks at me, his face almost devoid of any kind of emotion.
It occurs to me now that the problem I've been worrying about with Clay may be effecting Harm in a different way. Is he tiring out from spending so many years being emotionally inaccessible? Has pushing people away hurt him as much as it has hurt everyone else? As much as it has hurt me?
I take a deep breath and step over to him, leaning against the railing next to him. His eyes still burn into me, focused to intently on my face that I begin to blush. He must have seen the color rise in my cheeks, because he turns his head away and looks down at the water below us.
"I'm not in love with him," I say, forced to speak a little bit loudly in order for him to hear me over the rushing wind. He looks at me again, turning around and leaning backwards on the railing. The ache in my back makes me stand straight up, and I studiously avoid his gaze.
"I know," he mutters, still looking at me. I turn to him, confused.
"You know? Then why did you ask?" I ask, a little upset. Is he toying with me? He sighs.
"I asked because I wanted to know if you knew; or if we're close enough for you to tell me," he says. My eyes drop to the floor, and I feel ashamed.
"I know...And I wouldn't have told you," I say. He shakes his head.
"Then why did you?" He asks. I look back up at him, a feeling rising in the pit of my stomach that I recognize from countless other conversations with him. The look in his eyes when he's gazing at me like that is what does it; he looks like he's in love with me, and I like it.
"Because of the look on your face when you said that what you wanted didn't matter," I say, then pause. "It matters to me, Harm." He nods.
"So you're not in love with him. What does that mean?" He asks. His voice is strained, and I wonder for a moment if he's having as hard a time with this as I am. I shrug.
"I don't know anymore, Harm. I mean...I love him. He's a good man and he cares for me so much. But the thing is, I refuse to make myself fall in love with him, and even if I could, the way that I catch you looking at me when you think I don't know makes it hard to even stay with him," I breathe the last part out, hoping that this won't backfire on me. If this conversation blows up in my face, I don't know what's going to come of me. Harm looks hopeful.
"I look at you that way because I--Because I--" He stops, frowning. He can't even say it.
"This is so pathetic, Harm. I mean, look at us! You can't even admit how you feel about me. I've spent years stuck on you, the man that is too emotionally closed off to even notice that I've been in love with you this whole time!" I burst, looking at him with a frantic kind of frustration that has come from years of holding in my feelings for him. He looks surprised.
"You're in love with me?" He asks, sounding as shocked as he looks. I put my hands over my eyes, turning away from him and resting my elbows on the railing. After a second, I look back up at him.
"That's why we'll never work out, Harm. We're not as in tune as we think we are. We're always so out of sync," I say. He looks at the floor for a moment, then steps over to where I stand and puts his hand on my cheek, gently encouraging me to stand up straight and look at him. I do, and he clenches his jaw for a second before speaking.
"I have been in love with you too long to not have known how you feel about me. I'm sorry, I should have been more attentive. It's not that we're out of sync, Sarah. I think we're just scared of doing things right," he says, looking so deeply into my eyes that I want to cry. He's in love with me.
"You're in love with me too," I whisper, looking up at him helplessly. He closes his eyes for a second, then looks at me again.
"Yeah, I am. I just want to work things out with us, Sarah. I know we can do it," he murmurs, his thumb sweeping slowly over my skin. Reaching up, I place my hand over his and rub his knuckles with my thumb, looking up at him.
"I'm going to need some time," I mutter, trying not to succumb to the dancing fingers of electricity spreading where his skin is touching mine. He nods.
"Of course. I know...Just don't forget that I'm waiting, please. I'll be waiting," he promises, a small smile finding him. I can't help but smile a little myself, and he drops his hand from my face, taking mine with it. Hanging between us, his fingers grip mine for a half second before he tosses me a Flyboy grin and turns back to the railing, leaning on it and looking out to sea.
For a moment, I don't know whether to stay or go. But then, seeing the man that I love in his natural element, I smile and decide to stay. I lean against the railing next to him, closer this time, and make sure our shoulders are touching just a little.
Things are still complicated, but now the sick feeling of emptyness that was eating away at my heart is gone, replaced by a warmth that I've only ever felt in the presence of the man beside me.
I think today has been a good day.
-------------- The Next Day Mac's Apartment Georgetown 1852 EST
I sigh as I unlock the door to my apartment, tired from the travelling of the past day. The only thing that saved the last fourteen hours from being a complete disaster was that Harm was there, and for the first time in a long time (ever maybe), there was no awkwardness, no tension. We were completely as ease with each other, and it was nice.
As I open the door, I am surprised for a second to see the lights on. That surprise fades when I see Clay sitting on the couch, watching ZNN. He looks up when I come in, and smiles at me.
"Hey Sarah," he says, getting up from his seat and walking over to me. My heart leaps in my throat and I smile back, wondering what's got him in such a good mood. Clay steps up to me, leaning forward to kiss me on the lips. I kiss him back, surprised when he doesn't try to deepen it and pull me closer. He just pulls away, smiling, and takes my seabag from me, taking it to my bedroom and putting it in its place.
"Clay, are you alright?" I ask him as he walks back into the room. He nods, still with that smile on his face.
"I've never been better. How was your trip?" He asks. I shrug, loosening my uniform tie and unbuttoning my jacket.
"It was okay. Harm and I had to arrest a spy...He was the guy we were after the whole time, we just didn't know it," I explain, slipping my jacket off and heading to my bedroom to change into some pajamas. Clay follows me back into the room, coming to a stop at my bed and sitting down.
"Rabb was there?" He asks as I go into my closet and hang up my jacket with the others. I nod.
"Yeah. He was actually there in the first place; I flew out to help him with the investigation," I say, taking my tie off and hanging it on the rack with the rest of them. I unbutton my blouse as I see Clay getting up out of the corner of my eye, and I turn my attention back to undressing myself.
"How did that go?" He asks, his voice quieter than usual. I turn my head and look at him, raising an eyebrow as I slip my blouse off my shoulders, careful of the pain in my back. I grab a hanger and put the uniform blouse on it, hanging it up.
"How did what go? Working with Harm?" I ask, puzzled. He nods a little, his eyes flickering down my body then back to my face. I shrug, kicking my shoes off and putting them in their place, then unzipping my skirt.
"It was fine. He was very focused on doing the job...The only thing that made it difficult was that he was being a little bit of a jerk to the spy I told you about," I tell him, stepping out of my skirt and placing it on its hanger. I slide my stockings off, rolling them up and putting them where they go, then turn to Clay, clad in my standard white bra and panties.
"Rabb didn't like the spy? There's a new one," he mutters, chuckling a little. I can't help a small smile and a shrug, stepping around Clay to get out of the closet and back to the bedroom. He puts an arm out and braces it against the doorway of the closet, trapping me in with him. We stand face- to-face in the doorway, me in my skivvies and he fully clothed, and he looks at me intently, raising a hand to my hair and letting it slip through his fingers.
"I missed you," he murmurs, still playing with my hair. I resist the urge to close my eyes and lose myself, but instead look up at him.
"I missed you too," I tell him. I'm not lying; I miss being around someone that knows me intimately and that wants to tell me how much I mean to him, even if he's not Harm.
Clay leans close to me, kissing me softly on the lips. That softness turns to passion quickly, and he steps forward, pressing me between himself and the wall behind me. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I slide my leg up his and brace my thigh on his hip, bringing our hips together. He reaches down with one hand and lifts my leg further onto his hip, and I gasp at the feeling.
"Mmm..." I murmur, tangling my fingers in his hair. He reaches around me and puts his other hand on my lower back, pulling me closer to him that way.
A bolt of pain shoots through my back and I cry out, throwing my head back and wincing.
"Ahh!" I cry, and he lets me go, stepping back.
"What? What's the matter?" He asks, his voice hoarse. I lean against the wall behind me, my hands on my back.
"God, my back! Oh...Can we move this to the bed?" I ask, and he nods.
"Of course, yeah...I'm so sorry. Why didn't you tell me your back was acting up again?" He asks, leading my by my elbow to the bed. I shrug, sitting down.
"I thought it was better. It hurt a little on the ship, but it hadn't since then..." I explain, plopping down on my back and staring at the ceiling. He lies down next to me, on his side, facing me.
"Maybe you should go to a chiropractor," he suggests, reaching out and tracing circles over my stomach. I nod.
"Yeah, I've been thinking seriously about it," I tell him, sighing. He leans over to me, kissing me again and re-igniting the passion from before.
The next few minutes involve a lot of touching and kissing, and he finally makes the move to take it to the next level. I let myself fall into it, losing myself and forgetting the problems from the past few days.
By nature, I am not a talker during sex. For some reason, as my mind wanders over the past couple of days, I find myself vocalizing more than normal. I can tell it's turning Clay on to hear me, so I let myself go, crying out and making noise.
Unbidden, the conversation that Harm and I had on the ship comes to my mind, and I find myself more turned on. It's easy to replace Clay with Harm in my mind as I remember how I felt when Harm was looking at me, when he was touching my cheek and I felt enough electricity to light up the whole District.
"Ohh...Oh Harm!" I cry out, surprised when the man on top of me stops his actions. Opening my eyes and looking up at him, I see not a passionate Harm but a surprised Clayton Webb staring down at me, looking as if he might be sick. My mouth gapes open and I almost forget what we're doing.
"Oh god, I'm sorry Clay. I'm sorry, it just came out..." I try to cover, but he shakes his head and gets off of me, leaving me cold on the bed by myself. I watch him grab his underwear and put them on, shaking his head the whole time.
"Clay, don't do this," I say, grabbing a sheet and covering myself with it. He looks up at me.
"Sarah, you just called out Rabb's name while we were making love. I think that's more than enough reason for me to leave," he says, putting on his pants. I shake my head and put my head in my hands, sighing.
"Clay, it was an accident! I didn't do it on purpose," I say. Suddenly the knowledge that Clay and I are over hits me, and I frown. He looks up at me after putting his shirt back on, and he looks sad.
"Look...I know that you didn't mean to. But that just makes it worse. I'm sorry, Sarah. It's over with us. I think we both know that," he says, leaning over and kissing my cheek. Then he goes over to my dresser and grabs his clothes out of the bottom drawer, throwing them in the duffle bag that he keeps here.
"Clay, don't do this. Don't leave," I beg, watching him fling the bag over his shoulder. He looks at me.
"I...I love you Sarah. But this isn't going to work. You're in love with Rabb and I can't give up the CIA. We've both seen this coming for a while now, haven't we?" He asks, tears in his eyes. A few tears slip down my cheeks, and I choke back a sob.
"Clay..." I try, but he just smiles sadly and walks out of my room. I hear him open the front door and lock it, closing it softly behind him.
I sit alone on my bed, my head in my hands, his words running through my head over and over again. As much as I had hoped that we could work something out, he knew...He knew how I've always felt for Harm.
A sigh escapes me as I cry out my frustrations, weeping for the man that loved me so much and that could never have replaced my best friend.
------------ The Next Day JAG Headquarters Falls Church, Virginia 1035 EST
The ache in my back is so intense that I have to sit up straight in my office chair, and I close my eyes against the pain.
I haven't seen Harm today, but I think that's just because I've had myself locked up in my office. I've only been dumped once before Clay, but it feels like the end of the world. I feel tired and I'm hurt that he didn't want to work things out with me.
With a sigh and another wince at the pain in my back, I stand up and head out of my office, off to get a dose of caffiene. I manage to avoid contact with any other human being on the way to the breakroom, and I close the door after me once I get in there.
I go about making my coffee and resting for a few minutes, silently working and hoping that no one will catch me in here.
"Morning, Mac," a voice says, startling me. I didn't hear anyone come in, and I certainly didn't expect Harm to come in here after me. He's standing there, the door closed behind him, looking at me with a soft smile on his handsome face. A smile comes to my lips, unbidden, and I turn back to my coffee, trying to avoid his gaze.
"Morning, Harm," I reply, the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end when I feel him right next to me. I yawn, tiredness piercing through the tension in my body that has come from being so close to him. He looks over at me, and I can feel his curious gaze even though I'm not looking at him.
"Didn't get enough sleep last night?" He asks, a hint of teasing and innuendo. I shake my head.
"No, I didn't, actually," I say, stirring some sugar into my coffee. I turn and look at him. Why does he look so devestated?
"Oh. So Webb came over," he says, looking into his coffee cup. I nod, watching carefully the expression on his face.
"He was there when I got home," I murmur, watching his brow dip in a slight frown.
"I, uh, don't suppose you were up all night talking?" He gulps, and suddenly I know why he's acting so weird.
"No," I respond, unwilling to tell him more without a little prompting. He looks over at me, an almost blank look on his face like the one I saw two days ago on the ship.
"I see," he says. Suddenly the memory of calling his name out in bed crosses my mind, and I blush, turning my gaze to the floor.
"I don't think you do," I tell him, glancing back up at him. He looks confused.
"What do you mean? Webb didn't spend the night?" He asks. On any other occasion, I might get angry with him for prying, but this is different. I want him to get posessive and jealous for me. I don't know why it bothered me in the past; I'm basking in the feeling of being coveted now. I shake my head.
"No. He actually left...He left me," I say quietly, looking back up at him. He looks surprised. Genuinely surprised, not even smug or anything.
"He left you? Why?" He asks. I hesitate, unsure of whether he needs to know about what I did. Then I remember that we're being open and honest with each other now. I sigh, staring into my coffee and floating off into a little bit of a daze as I realize what I did. I never thought I would call out the wrong name...It seems like such a cliche, stupid thing to do.
"I said Harm instead of Clay," I murmur, replaying the scene over and over again in my head.
"What do you mean?" He asks. I smile and shake my head disgustedly, looking up at him.
"I didn't call out his name in bed last night. I called yours," I tell him, looking into his eyes. They widen in surprise, but I can also read understanding there. Surely he's never done something like that before.
"Oh...Wow. Wow. You know, I've done the same thing before," he says once he gets over his surprise. I raise my eyebrows, almost unable to believe him.
"You have? With who?" I ask, genuinely curious. He blushes and looks away from me, staring at his feet.
"It was when I was with Renee...It actually happened more than once, too," he says, chuckling a little. Narrowing my eyes at him, I try to figure this out.
"Whose name did you say, Harm?" I ask him. He bites his lower lip and looks back up at me, looking into my eyes. He opens his mouth to speak when--
"Good morning, Colonel, Commander," Bud's voice rings out through the room and Harm and I both jump, broken from our conversation and from the moment. I look at Bud and force a smile, my gaze drifting back to a silent Harm as Bud tells us about baby Jimmy.
Harm's eyes are still locked on me, and a chill runs down my spine when I feel the intensity of his focus. I look up into his eyes and purse my lips, responding to Bud when he finishes his story. He bids us both goodbye without seeming to notice that we've been totally wrapped up in each other, and leaves us alone again.
"Whose name, Harm?" I ask quietly, still looking at him. He doesn't look away from me.
"Yours," he whispers. My lips part in surprise, and he continues, "Sarah. I said Sarah every time."
A swell of feminine pride washes over me, and my fingers curl around the ledge of the counter to steady myself from falling over.
"You did?" I ask him. He nods gravely, a hint of a smile gracing his features.
"Yeah. I'm surprised they didn't leave me sooner...It happened with Jordan and Renee," he says, that self-deprecating attitude of his somehow making him even more attractive to me.
"I can understand why she didn't. I know I wouldn't give you up," I murmur, still looking right at him. He smiles again.
"You wouldn't?" He teases. I shrug, a blush creeping up my cheeks and my lips curving up in a smile.
"Well, now wait a second, you were calling out another woman's name in bed...I think that would be hard to get past," I say, unable to look away from him. He shrugs, flashing me that adorable crooked smile of his.
"I don't know...You wouldn't have to worry about me calling another woman's name. You've been the 'other woman' since Jordan," he tells me. I can hardly believe this; he's confirming every hopeful feeling that I've had since I first fell for him all those years ago.
"You're not making it easy for me to stay away from you, Sailor. I wish I could just..." I murmur, trailing off and finding myself unable to tell him that I want to kiss him senseless right now. He nods, his intense eyes burning into me.
"I know. I wish I could kiss you," he pauses, "I miss how you taste. It's been over two years since that kiss under the mistletoe, and you look so beautiful every day..." He stops, his chest rising and falling a little faster than before. I'm trying frantically to control my own heartbeat, and it isn't easy. I feel like I've been running a marathon.
"Harm...I would love to continue this conversation with you, but this isn't really the best place or time," I breathe, my eyes flickering over to the door as I realize where we are and what could happen if someone heard us talking about calling out each other's names in bed. Harm looks around suddenly, his eyes wide. He looks surprised.
"Oh my god, I completely forgot where we were! Jesus, I'm sorry, Mac. I didn't mean to get so carried away," he says anxiously, the look on his face indicating nervousness. I shake my head quickly, placing a hand on his cheek.
"Harm, listen to me. I'm not sorry you got carried away. I'm not sorry that I did either. Let's get together tonight and continue this," I murmur, looking into his eyes and making him look into mine. He nods slowly, turning his head and kissing the inside of my wrist quickly before flashing me a Flyboy grin.
"Get with me before you leave today and we'll figure something out," he says, winking at me and grabbing his coffee, turning and walking out of the room and leaving me there. I stand there, my fingers still hooked on the ledge of the counter, my hand drifting at my side.
The scent of his cologne still drifts in the air, I can still feel the heat on my hand where I was touching his skin...My heart is still racing from all that went on just now. My wrist is tingling where his lips touched me.
What an exciting couple of days.
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