(A/N: OK, stopped abbreviating "Yami Malik" to "Y.Malik" after someone raised an objection. I only did it in the first place cos I often read my fics to myself in my head, to see how they sound, and "Y.Malik" always seemed less of a mouthful. But there you go.)

A DAY AT THE PUB.

Chapter One: They're already contemplating suicide, and it's only Chapter One.

Disclaimer: This story is wonderful. Really. But I don't own Yu-gi-oh.

Friday 7:31pm

Ring Ring! Ring Ring! Malik sighed and picked up the phone. "Hello, Ishtar residence, Malik speaking."

"Hey Malik, its Bakura. I was wondering if you wanted to go down to the pub this evening? I'm bored to death here."

"Same." Malik paused and looked away from the phone. "Isis? Could you check on Yami for me? He's being awfully quiet."

"Sure." Isis went into the kitchen. "Hello? Hellooooo?" There was a smash. Then: "Damn you Psycho, get the hell out of there!" Isis screamed. There were several gurgling noises, followed by a loud explosion. Water seeped under the door. Isis poked her head into the lounge, up to her ankles in water. "Can you get off the phone and help? The Psycho tried to get in the washing machine again."

Malik sighed again. "Sorry, I've got to go."

"Whatever. Oh, and Malik?"

"What?" he snapped.

"DON'T bring him along."

Malik raised an eyebrow. "Just how stupid do you think I am?"

Bakura smirked. "Have you got all day?"

Malik hung up.

7:44pm

"Ryou!" I'm going to the pub to meet Malik. I'll be back by one!" Bakura called. He bounded down the stairs, to find his hikari blocking his way.

"Oh no you don't!" Ryou snapped. "You said you'd be back by one last time!"

"And?"

"You came back at half past four in the morning, wearing nothing except your pikachu slippers, and singing 'Yellow Submarine!'"

Bakura frowned. "Hey, don't diss my pikachu slippers! Anyway, YOU bought them for me."

"Only because I thought you'd like them!"

"Yeah, well, I don't even like pokémon anyway," Bakura mumbled unconvincingly.

Ryou's face turned red with anger. "Fine! I'll just take them back then!" He held up the said slippers and made as if to put them on.

Bakura's eyes widened. "Woah! Now let's not get hasty. I've had those slippers for a long time. They have…sentimental value!"

Ryou sighed heavily and held them out. "Thanks. SUCKER!" Bakura yelled. He snatched the slippers so hard the heads tore off. His light was left holding the ripped-off pikachu heads. He threw one at the retreating head of his yami, who ducked just in time. "Ha! Missed me!" Bakura yelled, and was instantly smacked in the face with the other one.

7:53pm

"Wait just a moment!"

Malik jumped and spun round, looking guilty. "What?"

"Haven't you forgotten something?" Isis put her hands on her hips.

Malik dashed to the mirror. After frantically surveying his reflection for a few moments, he looked up. "Um…no?"

His sister pointed accusingly at Yami Malik, who was lying on the sofa, with something hanging from his mouth. Malik hurried forward and pried the object from his yami's teeth, only to drop it in disgust. "Ewww!"

Isis let out a shriek. "THAT'S where my favourite bra went to!" She picked it and carried it out of the room, cooing softly to it. "It's okay now, my baby, that nasty Psycho won't eat you anymore, OR I'LL EAT HIM! Now into the laundry basket you go, my poppet…"

Yami Malik started crying. "What's wrong now?" Malik snapped.

"Want…my…chew-chew panties…" sobbed his yami. Rolling his eyes, Malik ran upstairs and, after some careful selection, returned holding a pair of very old, holey pants.

"Here take these," he said, holding his nose.

Yami Malik's face lit up. "Chew-chew-panties!" he grabbed the 'chew-chew panties' and stuffed them into his mouth.

"Make sure you chew them thoroughly before swallowing," Malik warned. "AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH AFTERWARDS!"

8:16pm

Bakura glanced down at his (stolen) Gucci watch and tapped his foot impatiently. "Damn it Malik, where are you?"

Approaching footsteps made him look up. "Finally…" His voice died away as he saw who was standing next to Malik. Bakura's voice rose to a scream of horror. "I thought I told you NOT to bring him!"

Malik shrugged. "Isis made me."

"MALIK'S IN LOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yami Malik screamed.

"W-what? No I'm not!" Malik glared at his yami. "I thought you promised to be quiet? Anzu," he added, in answer to Bakura's raised eyebrow. "She's been stalking me here. She should appear at any moment."

"Ah." They both repressed involuntary shudders. Bakura nodded in sympathy. "I feel your pain."

8:22pm

Bakura marched up to the counter. "I'll have a-KAIBA?!?!?! What the HELL are YOU doing here?"

Malik joined him. "That sounds good, I'll have it with vodka and-KAIBA?!?!"

Seto Kaiba nodded his head in acknowledgement. "That's my name, don't wear it out."

Malik blinked. "Why are you here? You're a millionaire. You're not supposed to hang out in dodgy places like this."

Kaiba grunted. "I work here."

Malik turned to Bakura. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Bakura nodded dreamily and pulled out his (also stolen) Canon 300D digital camera from Ra-knows-where. "We could make millions from the pictures alone."

Yami Malik decided it was time to make his presence known. "Malik's in looooooooooooove!" he cried, making yet another of his intelligent, rational and totally appropriate comments.

Kaiba blinked while the information registered in his head. Then he smirked. "Oooh, in love? With who?"

"Anzuuuuu!" squealed Yami Malik triumphantly.

Malik could feel his will to live slowly ebbing away.

"I think you need to get him put down," Bakura stated.