Chapter Three: Fun and games with the Pharaoh.

Disclaimer: I know I don't own Yu-gi-oh! Stop rubbing it in!

Friday 11:44pm

Bakura lurched over. "So Pharaoh, we meet again."

Yami stepped back distastefully. "Aren't you drunk?"

"Who are you calling drunk?" Bakura slurred. "I'll have you know I'm a lot more drunk than Malik! He's only had five beers."

"Hey! I may have blacked out but that doesn't mean I'm completely sobered up!" Malik protested. "Besides, it was six beers."

Yami smirked. "Looks like someone's got ants in their pants."

"PANTS!" screamed your friendly neighbourhood psycho. He jumped on top of Yami and started trying to chew his hair.

"Ah! I'm being soiled!" Yami tried vainly to push Yami Malik off him, but without success.

"Hey! Leave my yami alone, Pharaoh!" Malik pulled out the Millennium Rod with one hand and tried to throttle the Pharaoh with the other.

"Hey! I thought we agreed in Battle City that I would be the one to kill the Pharaoh!" Bakura pulled out the Millennium Ring with both hands and, wrapping the cord around Malik's neck, tried to throttle him.

"Why are you trying to kill ME? We're on the same side-Ack!" Malik started choking.

Suddenly someone picked them both up at the same time and threw them to the ground. "I'M THE PYSCHOPATH ROUND HERE THEREFORE I WILL KILL THE PHARAOH AND IF YOU GET IN MY WAY I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" Yami Malik's voice rose to an inholy screech that drowned out all other noise in the pub. People were starting to stare at them.

Malik raised an eyebrow. "Calm down yami. Look, you can kill the Pharaoh if you really want to."

"Hey!"

"Shut up Bakura."

"Must...have...blood..."

"Shut UP Bakura."

"But I don't want to be killed!" Yami protested from the floor.

Bakura interrupted him. "You'll BE killed and you'll LIKE it!" he screamed.

"Ra, you're cranky tonight," commented Malik.

"Yeah, well, I have major killing-withdrawal-symptoms," Bakura grumbled.

Malik thought for a moment. "Can't we just cut off his arm and you can hack it about for a few hours?"

Bakura's face brightened. "That's good enough for me."

11:58pm

Bakura, Malik and Yami Malik were lounging around on comfortable chairs while a thoroughly trussed up and pissed off Yami glared at them from the chair he was tied to. They had spent the past hour throwing knives and forks at an apple on Yami's head, before Yami Malik got bored and started throwing chairs everywhere. Malik and Bakura had had to physically stop him from doing this, as it would kill the Pharaoh too quickly. They wanted to savour every moment.

"Oh yeah, Bakura, what was Anzu talking about when she said she'd see me tomorrow?" Malik asked lazily.

Bakura shrugged. "Oh, that. The Psycho told about 'how keen' you were on her, and how you were playing 'hard-to-get' because you thought it would arouse her more. He ended up fixing you a date with her tomorrow."

Malik's eyes bulged out. "WHAT?!"

Bakura blinked. "Pardon?"

Malik's eyes now bulged out to the point where it looked painful. "I said WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!"

His best friend was unfazed. "You know, you really should see an Optician or something about those bulging eyes."

"I DON'T NEED TO SEE AN OPTICIAN!!!"

As you could probably tell, Malik was having the teensiest-possible problem holding back his temper.

Yami Malik giggled and started singing:

"Malik and Anzu sitting in a tree

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

First comes love, then comes marriage,

Then comes Malik pushing a-"

It was when the Pharaoh started humming along that Malik lost it. "SHUT. UP. NOW! OR I'LL SHUT YOU UP PERMENANTLY!"

Bakura smirked. "I'd like to see that."

Malik took a deep breath. "FINE!" He strode over to Yami, grabbed him by the throat and started squeezing. "DIE, PHARAOH!"

"Ack! Why do you want to kill me anyway?"

"YOU KILLED MY FATHER!" Malik screamed.

Yami's voice deepened. "No, Malik. I AM your father."

Malik blinked. "Really?"

"...No."

Malik shrugged. "Okay then. DIE ANYWAY!" He resumed strangling. Suddenly he stopped, looking confused. "Hang on. If YOU didn't kill my father, then who did?"

Yami Malik stopped dancing and put up his hand. "Actually, that was me."

Malik's eyes bulged out again. "You? It was you all along?" When his yami nodded happily he let out a feral scream and launched himself at him. "DIE! DIE ALREADY, DAMN YOU!"

Yami Malik struggled fruitlessly for a second, then felt on the table behind for a potential weapon. His fingers closed on the Millennium Rod, and he hit Malik over the head with it. Malik crashed to the ground for the second time.

With a sudden burst of strength, Yami tore apart his restraints and raced to the pub door before you could say, "The Pharaoh was scared." Yami Malik raised an eyebrow. "Why the hell didn't he do that in the first place?"

Bakura shrugged. "Maybe he was enjoying himself."

Saturday 1:32am

Malik groaned and sat up, rubbing his head. He saw that Bakura was leaning over him and hastily backed away. "Hey, don't tell me YOU gave me the Kiss of Life this time."

Bakura rolled his eyes. "And that's what I get for being concerned. No, I didn't actually. Although we could make up for it..."

"Maybe later," Malik replied absently. "Hey, where's my yami?"

"Oh, flirting with Kaiba, I think..." Malik leaned over just in time to see Yami Malik slap Kaiba's bum. Kaiba ran away with a high-pitched giggle. "Anyway," Bakura continued, "come over here and have a Heineken. There are only four left and I think we need to give them a loving home..."