Chapter Four: The End (of the world as we know it)

Disclaimer: Yu-gi-oh belongs to me. ME, do you hear? ME!!! Actually, it doesn't.

Saturday 2:51am

"Malik and Bakura have been sitting at that table for the last hour," mused Kaiba. "What ARE they up to?" He wandered over for a look.

2:52am

Malik and Bakura were staring intently at a glass of beer on the table. "That beer has bits in it," Malik said in wonder.

Bakura nodded in agreement. "Hey, look! That bit's bigger than that bit. In fact, it's the biggest bit of them all! Mwahahaha!"

"No way. That bit is, like, sooooo much bigger."

"Not as big as my bit."

"Yes it is!"

"You're just jealous. Hey, bet you 100 dollars that bit falls to the ground first."

"Done."

They both stared carefully as the two bits of Ra-knows-what crumbled slowly to the bottom of the glass.

"HA! Mine was first! Take that, foolish mortal!"

"HA! Well I don't have 100 dollars, so stick that up your arse and shit on it, stupid spirit!"

Bakura frowned. "It's too small." His face broke into an evil grin. "I'll take your kidney instead!" He reached over and punched Malik's leg feebly. "Ha! I've got it!"

Malik started laughing hysterically.

"What's so funny?" Bakura snapped.

"I keep my kidney in my OTHER leg! Ha ha!"

"Not fair!" Bakura burst into tears.

"Jesus, did you two escape from the funny farm or something?" Kaiba interrupted.

"Oi! I buy my beer Hic! from the funny farm!" Malik picked up the bit-filled glass and drowned it in a single gulp. "Mmmm...bitty goodness."

Kaiba raised an eyebrow. "What actually were those bits?"

Yami Malik bounced over. "Hey, has anyone seen my chew-chew-panties?"

3:16am

"Great. Thank you SO MUCH Malik, for spitting your drink in my face," Kaiba grumbled. "Has anyone got a tissue?"

Yami Malik blew his nose loudly on a hanky and gave it to him. "I have!"

"Thanks." Kaiba took the hanky without looking at it and wiped his face thoroughly. Everyone stared at him, totally mesmerised. "What's wrong with you people?" he snapped. He put a hand to his face. "OH GOD!!!"

Bakura smirked evilly. "How much to pretend it never happened?" He waved his digital camera threateningly.

Kaiba's face went deathly white. "Anything!"

"Are you any good at blowjobs?"

"Hey, no fair!" Malik complained. "Besides, you owe me two already!"

"Point taken." Bakura thought for a moment. "Erm..."

"You can have my credit card!" Kaiba offered. He doesn't know my credit card company has permanently frozen that card after he stole it a little while ago.

Bakura shook his head slowly. "No thanks."

Damn, Kaiba thought.

Malik's eyes widened. "Are you kidding?! Why the hell not?"

Bakura looked at him pityingly. "Because he doesn't know his credit card company has permanently frozen his card after I ahem borrowed it a little while ago."

Damn, Malik thought.

"How about a million, billion, trillion, gazillion dollars EACH?" said Bakura.

"I don't carry that sort of money around with me!" Kaiba protested.

"Yeah, right. Hand it over, Moneybags." Bakura made impatient, grabbing motions with his fingers. Kaiba sighed and opened his briefcase.

"Is that briefcase surgically attached to your hand?" Malik asked sarcastically.

"Sssh! Who told you?"

3:31am

Bakura slapped a wad of bills down on the table. "Hey Slave, get me two of everything."

"Yessir!" Kaiba ran forward, his arms full of bottles.

Fifteen minutes and about thirty drinks later...

"And then I'm like, no way! I mean, the Pharaoh's dick is like, this big, whereas his brain is like, this big."

"Wow, you're funny!" Yami Malik started laughing.

"Hey, that's my cue! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! See?" Malik's eyes were strangely unfocused.

Bakura held up something yellow. "Look! My pikachu slippers!" He put them on his hands. "Mwhahahaha! I am the wearer of the sacred pikachu slippers! Bow before me!

The two Maliks set up a chant. "All hail Pikachu! All hail Pikachu!" They bowed before the sacred slippers. "Pika pi!"

4:30am

"Well, he should be here any minute now..." Ryou looked up to see three figures dancing at the bottom of the street.

"Ryou! I love you!" Bakura flung himself at his hikari, knocking him to the ground.

"Er...I love you too, yami." In an alternate universe, maybe.

"Not you, asshole! YOU!" Bakura pointed to an empty space next to Ryou.

"Um, yami, there's no one there."

"That's what they always say!"

Let's see, Ryou thought.

Home at 4:30am - Check

Pissed as hell - Check

Wearing nothing - Oh God, Check

Worshipping Pikachu - Check

Singing 'Yellow Submarine' - Che-

He looked up to see Malik and Yami Malik doing the can-can. "Paint it green! Pain it blue!" Malik chanted.

"Paint it red! You're dead!" Yami Malik screamed. He formed his hand into a gun-shape and prodded Malik.

"Aaah! I'm dying!" Malik fell to the ground, clutching his chest. He gazed up at Ryou adoringly. "Ryou, did you see that? I died! Aren't I clever?"

"Uh, yeah. You're a good boy."

Singing 'Yellow Submarine' - Check.

"Well, yami, you've fulfilled my expectations, as usual," Ryou commented dryly.

"I never disappoint!" shrieked Bakura. He lurched forwards and his hikari caught him just in time.

Ryou wrapped an arm around him. "Come on, yami. I'd better get you inside."

"Am I drunk yet?" Bakura tottered forwards and threw up.

"I don't know. Probably."

4:52am

"So, what did you actually do?"

Bakura frowned. "I can't remember. Oh, wait, yes I can. We killed the Pharaoh! Really well! Oh, and Malik's eyes bulge out. Why don't mine do that?"

"You beat up Yami?" Ryou translated. "I'm so proud of you!" He leaned forward and gave Bakura a hug.

"Don't squeeze, woman! Hey, next time YOU come along too!"

Ryou shook his head. "No thanks."

"Why the hell not?

Um...let me see: coming home at four-thirty? Singing 'Yellow Submarine'? Getting within a hundred metres of Yami Malik?

Aloud, he said: "I don't look very good in pikachu slippers."