I WAS TOTALLY NERVOUS ABOUT PUTTING MY STORY ON THE SITE AND WHAT EVERYONE
WOULD THINK OF IT. I AM SO SURPRISED AT HOW NERVOUS I WAS,
Just want to say thank you so much to lil savage angel for being so sweet
yet you also made me want to rewrite the next bit I have done. I hope it
lives up to your expectations.
Looking at the wrong girl Spike slowly moved away after kissing her gently on the forehead.
He smiled at her gently looking at her delicate face and her soft brown hair gently resting on her shoulders. He lightly stroked her hair feeling it's softness against his fingers. He was completely caught up with looking at her face. He couldn't see or hear anything beyond Dawn. He could hear her subtle breathing and how she moved so delicately breathing in and then out. He was mesmerised by her. He had never looked at Dawn in this way before, but tonight it was different. Maybe it was the moonlight, or possibly magic but at that moment, he saw Dawn. He saw how beautiful she was, seeing her as if for the first time. Instinctively before he had time to think, before acknowledging what he was doing he kissed her gently on the lips.
Spike slowly pulled away savouring the moment before the realisation of what he had just done hit him.
Spike leapt back shocked aware at what he had just done. Dawn stirred but didn't wake. Atleast that was one thing he didn't have to worry about. He stood up still surprised at what he had just done. He hadn't meant to it had just happened but he knew it shouldn't of. He was well over 100 and she was just a 16-year-old girl. It was a huge age difference.
He wasn't sure how old Buffy was when she had first met Angel but she must have been about 16 or 17. But with Dawn it felt different. He had seen her grow up; he had memories of her as just a little kid. When she became real she was just 14 and now she was 16. But he could remember before then. He didn't know exactly when the monks had brought her but he knew the memories weren't real and he had never really seen her then. But he still could see her at that age in his mind. Like when he made that truce with Buffy and came back to her house, before her mum and Dawn knew she was a slayer. And before they knew he was a vampire. Dawn had been there, sitting in her multicoloured pyjamas with Joyce. She must have been only 12 or 13. Although it wasn't real and he knew she had never been that age really. God, he thought to himself. He had never been able to get his head around the whole memory altering business. He was surprised how ok Dawn was, that she wasn't completely screwed up. She is just so strong he realised in admiration of her. So brave, he thought as he gently stroked her cheek.
Realising what he was doing he jumped back and stood up away from Dawn, who was still asleep, oblivious.
He didn't even know why he done it? Spike was surprised by his actions more than anything. What if she had woken up? She was too young, nothing could ever happen. Why was he even contemplating it? It would never happen, it could never happen. Xander would stake him tomorrow but if he ever found out he knew Xander could do worse. He wasn't afraid of Xander but he knew how Xander would react. But the others, they had trusted Spike with Dawn; they wouldn't exactly be thrilled by what he had done.
'They can never know,' he said quietly to himself. 'And neither can she,' as he looked in Dawn's direction.
But they never would, he thought. I'm not going to tell them, because there's nothing to tell, it just happened, it didn't mean anything and it will never happen again, he thought, with less and less certainty. Of course he didn't have feelings for her was just stupid, she's sixteen. He shook his head to try and forget what he was thinking.
Just then Tara and Willow opened the door and Spike could hear them talking.
'And you know Walker, he just laughed it off.' Spike heard Tara say.
'Keep it down,' Spike whispered to them as he motioned them to be quiet and pointed at Dawn.
'Spike was everything ok?' Willow asked in a hushed voice but he had grabbed his jacket and was out of the door before she had time to take a breath.
'What's wrong with him?' Tara asked Willow quietly.
'He's always grouchy,' Willow replied. 'Probably a vampire thing,' Willow shrugged it off forgetting about Spike.
'Should we move her?' Tara asked
'No, she looks fine,' Willow said smiling at her.
Once outside in the calm night Spike felt a little better. As the cool night air hit him he took a deep breath. Though not needing the air he began to relax and began walking towards the graveyard. It was a cold night but that didn't bother him. On the way he stopped dead in his tracks and fell to his knees exhausted and began sobbing on the ground. 'Buffy.'
He moved his hands up over his eyes ashamed of his sudden outburst. Angrily he wiped the tears from his eyes. He picked himself up off the ground and began walking quickly to the one place he knew better than any other.
When he arrived at the graveyard he had stopped crying. He walked slowly through the graveyard not needing to look where he was going. He knew exactly which grave he was heading to and how many steps it were from the entrance. He had been here every day since she had been buried. He was glad he couldn't go to the funeral because to him, Buffy wasn't really dead she would come back, and the funeral was a way to say goodbye He didn't need that. She would always be alive to him. Every time he closed his eyes all he dreamed about was Buffy.
Every second he slept he dreamt how he would of done things differently that night. It had been the worst night of his life. He had never hurt so much as when he saw her lying there motionless on the rubble knowing she was dead. Every day in his dreams he saved her in a new and cleverer way than before. He had let her down that night he hadn't been there to protect Dawn for Buffy and then she wouldn't have had to jump. She shouldn't have had to do that. Spike hadn't been there for Dawn when Buffy needed him, but he had promised to be there now Buffy couldn't.
He felt so guilty, being a vampire Spike hadn't truly felt guilt for a long time and now it was a shock. While kissing Dawn for a split second he had been happy, he had forgotten Buffy, forgot she was dead. He felt so ashamed that he had allowed the one woman he had really loved, to be dead. How could he allow himself to feel anything especially happiness knowing the woman he loved was dead and it was his fault. He knew that even if the Scooby's didn't. He knew he was to blame for her leaving. He had failed and Buffy suffered because of it. He didn't know where she was now, where her soul had gone but all he knew was she would still be here if he had protected Dawn tried a little harder. He kicked at a rock to release some of his anger but just hurt his foot. He cursed quietly to himself but ignored the pain shooting through his foot.
He arrived at Buffy's grave and kneeled in front of it. He knew her spirit wasn't here, there were so many different dimensions and she could be in any or them. This though was the place he felt closest to her.
He sat there at the grave just looking at the engravings and thinking about Buffy. Her shampoo commercial hair, how her lips looked when she got angry with him, how much she cared for her friends and Dawn. There he was again thinking about Dawn. He felt angry with himself but this wasn't the place to think of that. This was Buffy's place where it was all about her. It was always about her. Every waking and sleeping moment was about her until tonight and then it wasn't. He had been able to think about something other than her and this made him feel guilty.
Whenever Spike visited Buffy's grave he would completely lose sense of time. He had no idea how long he spent there. He only began to move when he realised that it was almost sunrise. He slowly stood up and began to sadly walk away still thinking of Buffy. What would she have thought of him? He knew the answer, he had the seen the disgust on her face when he told her he was in love with her only this was worse and he knew it. He still loved Buffy and was sure he always would but as he walked home he wondered could he love again? How the hell he was going to react the next time he saw Dawn?
REVIEW AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK. I THINK I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING BUT I COULD DO WITH IDEAS. THE REWRITE FO THIS CHAPTER WAS HARD, AS I DIDN'T LIKE WRITING THE ORIGINAL. ANY OPINIONS AS LONG AS IT'S NICE OR CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM IS INCOURAGED.
Looking at the wrong girl Spike slowly moved away after kissing her gently on the forehead.
He smiled at her gently looking at her delicate face and her soft brown hair gently resting on her shoulders. He lightly stroked her hair feeling it's softness against his fingers. He was completely caught up with looking at her face. He couldn't see or hear anything beyond Dawn. He could hear her subtle breathing and how she moved so delicately breathing in and then out. He was mesmerised by her. He had never looked at Dawn in this way before, but tonight it was different. Maybe it was the moonlight, or possibly magic but at that moment, he saw Dawn. He saw how beautiful she was, seeing her as if for the first time. Instinctively before he had time to think, before acknowledging what he was doing he kissed her gently on the lips.
Spike slowly pulled away savouring the moment before the realisation of what he had just done hit him.
Spike leapt back shocked aware at what he had just done. Dawn stirred but didn't wake. Atleast that was one thing he didn't have to worry about. He stood up still surprised at what he had just done. He hadn't meant to it had just happened but he knew it shouldn't of. He was well over 100 and she was just a 16-year-old girl. It was a huge age difference.
He wasn't sure how old Buffy was when she had first met Angel but she must have been about 16 or 17. But with Dawn it felt different. He had seen her grow up; he had memories of her as just a little kid. When she became real she was just 14 and now she was 16. But he could remember before then. He didn't know exactly when the monks had brought her but he knew the memories weren't real and he had never really seen her then. But he still could see her at that age in his mind. Like when he made that truce with Buffy and came back to her house, before her mum and Dawn knew she was a slayer. And before they knew he was a vampire. Dawn had been there, sitting in her multicoloured pyjamas with Joyce. She must have been only 12 or 13. Although it wasn't real and he knew she had never been that age really. God, he thought to himself. He had never been able to get his head around the whole memory altering business. He was surprised how ok Dawn was, that she wasn't completely screwed up. She is just so strong he realised in admiration of her. So brave, he thought as he gently stroked her cheek.
Realising what he was doing he jumped back and stood up away from Dawn, who was still asleep, oblivious.
He didn't even know why he done it? Spike was surprised by his actions more than anything. What if she had woken up? She was too young, nothing could ever happen. Why was he even contemplating it? It would never happen, it could never happen. Xander would stake him tomorrow but if he ever found out he knew Xander could do worse. He wasn't afraid of Xander but he knew how Xander would react. But the others, they had trusted Spike with Dawn; they wouldn't exactly be thrilled by what he had done.
'They can never know,' he said quietly to himself. 'And neither can she,' as he looked in Dawn's direction.
But they never would, he thought. I'm not going to tell them, because there's nothing to tell, it just happened, it didn't mean anything and it will never happen again, he thought, with less and less certainty. Of course he didn't have feelings for her was just stupid, she's sixteen. He shook his head to try and forget what he was thinking.
Just then Tara and Willow opened the door and Spike could hear them talking.
'And you know Walker, he just laughed it off.' Spike heard Tara say.
'Keep it down,' Spike whispered to them as he motioned them to be quiet and pointed at Dawn.
'Spike was everything ok?' Willow asked in a hushed voice but he had grabbed his jacket and was out of the door before she had time to take a breath.
'What's wrong with him?' Tara asked Willow quietly.
'He's always grouchy,' Willow replied. 'Probably a vampire thing,' Willow shrugged it off forgetting about Spike.
'Should we move her?' Tara asked
'No, she looks fine,' Willow said smiling at her.
Once outside in the calm night Spike felt a little better. As the cool night air hit him he took a deep breath. Though not needing the air he began to relax and began walking towards the graveyard. It was a cold night but that didn't bother him. On the way he stopped dead in his tracks and fell to his knees exhausted and began sobbing on the ground. 'Buffy.'
He moved his hands up over his eyes ashamed of his sudden outburst. Angrily he wiped the tears from his eyes. He picked himself up off the ground and began walking quickly to the one place he knew better than any other.
When he arrived at the graveyard he had stopped crying. He walked slowly through the graveyard not needing to look where he was going. He knew exactly which grave he was heading to and how many steps it were from the entrance. He had been here every day since she had been buried. He was glad he couldn't go to the funeral because to him, Buffy wasn't really dead she would come back, and the funeral was a way to say goodbye He didn't need that. She would always be alive to him. Every time he closed his eyes all he dreamed about was Buffy.
Every second he slept he dreamt how he would of done things differently that night. It had been the worst night of his life. He had never hurt so much as when he saw her lying there motionless on the rubble knowing she was dead. Every day in his dreams he saved her in a new and cleverer way than before. He had let her down that night he hadn't been there to protect Dawn for Buffy and then she wouldn't have had to jump. She shouldn't have had to do that. Spike hadn't been there for Dawn when Buffy needed him, but he had promised to be there now Buffy couldn't.
He felt so guilty, being a vampire Spike hadn't truly felt guilt for a long time and now it was a shock. While kissing Dawn for a split second he had been happy, he had forgotten Buffy, forgot she was dead. He felt so ashamed that he had allowed the one woman he had really loved, to be dead. How could he allow himself to feel anything especially happiness knowing the woman he loved was dead and it was his fault. He knew that even if the Scooby's didn't. He knew he was to blame for her leaving. He had failed and Buffy suffered because of it. He didn't know where she was now, where her soul had gone but all he knew was she would still be here if he had protected Dawn tried a little harder. He kicked at a rock to release some of his anger but just hurt his foot. He cursed quietly to himself but ignored the pain shooting through his foot.
He arrived at Buffy's grave and kneeled in front of it. He knew her spirit wasn't here, there were so many different dimensions and she could be in any or them. This though was the place he felt closest to her.
He sat there at the grave just looking at the engravings and thinking about Buffy. Her shampoo commercial hair, how her lips looked when she got angry with him, how much she cared for her friends and Dawn. There he was again thinking about Dawn. He felt angry with himself but this wasn't the place to think of that. This was Buffy's place where it was all about her. It was always about her. Every waking and sleeping moment was about her until tonight and then it wasn't. He had been able to think about something other than her and this made him feel guilty.
Whenever Spike visited Buffy's grave he would completely lose sense of time. He had no idea how long he spent there. He only began to move when he realised that it was almost sunrise. He slowly stood up and began to sadly walk away still thinking of Buffy. What would she have thought of him? He knew the answer, he had the seen the disgust on her face when he told her he was in love with her only this was worse and he knew it. He still loved Buffy and was sure he always would but as he walked home he wondered could he love again? How the hell he was going to react the next time he saw Dawn?
REVIEW AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK. I THINK I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING BUT I COULD DO WITH IDEAS. THE REWRITE FO THIS CHAPTER WAS HARD, AS I DIDN'T LIKE WRITING THE ORIGINAL. ANY OPINIONS AS LONG AS IT'S NICE OR CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM IS INCOURAGED.