Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. Or anything, really. Even the title is Monty Python.
This is a satire of your classic 'Oh my gosh, Anna's not dead!' fic. No offense intended, I'm sure each of these 'O.M.G.A.N.D.' fics is special in its own way. But honestly people. She died, get over it.
She's Not Dead Yet!
Anna is quite obviously dead. It's very hard, after all, to have a giant drooling werewolf fall on you and not die. Not dying in this scenario is a talent that very few possess.
So here they are, with Anna dead, and Van Helsing crying, and Carl decides to state the obvious.
"She's dead," he reports, in case nobody in the audience got it when she stopped moving and just sort of lay there all dead-ish.
Van Helsing- now a shirtless man as opposed to a giant drooling werewolf- decides that he rather liked the howling bit of being a werewolf, and begins to howl again, because Anna, whom he was deeply in love with a week after meeting her, is dead.
Now, Carl begins to cry too, because Anna is dead.
A bunch of random authors in the audience feel the cogs in their head begin to turn. One turns to another.
"What if," the first author says intelligently. "What if Anna isn't dead?"
"Brilliant!" The other one agrees. They scurry off, still munching on popcorn.
Something begins to happen. The other audience members are helpless, left only to watch as the movie becomes a giant fanfic!!
Back onscreen, Van Helsing and Carl are still crying, because Anna is dead. Then, miraculously, she's not! Van Helsing, Carl and the audience watch, fascinated, as she leaps off the couch-thing, skips around the room, and sings the following song to the tune of 'I'm a little teapot'.
"Wowwie, zowwie, lookit!
I'm not dead!
Gabriel the werewolf fell on my head.
But, you know, that's okay,
For, you see,
Not even a werewolf can kill me!"
"It's a miracle!" Carl the Holy-but-not-chaste friar proclaims.
"No," Anna corrects. "It's the fangirls." She points to the corner of the screen, where the two authors from the audience have hog-tied Stephen Sommers and are furiously 'correcting' the script.
"Anna!" Van Helsing shouts passionately, running over to her. "You're not dead!"
"Nope," she replies.
"But I fell on you!"
"Yes, and for that you're sleeping on the couch on our honeymoon. For you know, even though I've only known you for a week or so, now that I'm not dead I think we should get married and spend the rest of our lives together."
The cynics in the audience grumble. "It's all just lust. I give it a week."
"Dangit," Van Helsing mutters. "There goes my chance to have a bunch of existential, soul-searching angst fics written about me and my ponderings."
"Oh get over it," Carl mutters back. "At least you get closure. When the barmaid saw screaming about moving pictures, she left before I even got her number!"
Van Helsing shakes his head, then remembers Anna. He turns to face her. "You're not dead!" He exclaims.
"We've been over this," she tells him.
"How? I was a giant drooling werewolf and I fell on you and you died."
"Nope. The power of fanfic saved me!" Anna giggles. A big sparkly rainbow- the exemplification of the power of fanfic- appears out the window even though it's nighttime.
"Cool!" Van Helsing shouts. They begin to make out, then leave randomly to fight another monster.
Carl is left- poor Carl- standing along in the middle of the giant stone room, still holding a silver stake in one hand. Although terrified and in need of new underpants, he thinks he is at last safe.
Wrong! For you see, Dracula has also been resurrected by screaming fangirls… dun dun dun!! Join us next time for more of She's Not Dead Yet, the fic in which Anna, despite all logic and reasoning, is not dead. Imagine that!!
The end. Yes, I know it was rather stupid, but this particular plot bunny has been biting at my ankles since the first wave of O.M.G.A.N.D fics came about. And once again, I mean no offense by this. I've read some of those fics, and a few are really good. But it got old after about twenty, guys, I'm sorry to tell you.