Chikara: I bet you were wondering what happened to me...or did you not care? Anyhow, I've decided on shortening my penname when doing intros and scripts---it simplifies things.

Haiku: Where were you anyway? I thought you'd died, but I guess I'm not so lucky.

Chikara: (sarcastically) Nice. REALLY nice. Now I won't tell you the surprise...

Haiku: You mean the part where someone finally dies? I read ahead.

Chikara: (sweatdrop) Well, now it's out...

??/???????????????/?????????????????

"So what did you find out?" asked Gohan (Claudius)

"He said he feels crazy." Offered Yajirobe (Rosencrantz)

"We couldn't find out." Confessed Dende (Guildenstern).

"Did he behave himself though?" asked Chi-Chi (Gertrude).

"Yep." Replied Dende.

"But he looked like he was about to snap..." remembered Dende.

"He didn't answer the big question of his mental state, but we found stuff out anyway." Yajirobe ventured tentatively.

"Why didn't you just ask him to spar, or whatever else he likes to do in his spare time?" asked Chi-Chi, a little annoyed by the lack of information about her "son's" condition.

"Hey, ease off! We found some actors snigger and they sorta' cheered him up."

"That's right," agreed Dr. Briefs (Polonius), "He asked me to invite you."

"I think that's a good idea, a bit of theatre now and then is good. See if you can get the prince interested in it." Said Gohan, a little relieved, as Yajirobe and Dende left.

"Hey Mo—I mean 'my blush sweet Chi-Chi' how about we leave about now. I've sent for Vegeta (Hamlet) and here we have Bulma (Ophelia); why don't we just all leave—except her—and let Vegeta think she just happened to be here. It shouldn't be too hard to judge whether the prince is crazy because he's in love or not from what happens next.

"Good idea. And Bulma—I do hope that you can somehow put his mind at ease."

"So do I.," answered Bulma sweetly. And with that the Queen left.

"Tell ya' what, Bulma: just walk here, read this, and act really lonely so that he won't be able to help but notice you. (sigh) I still don't feel good about setting my little girl up like this, though—something isn't right." replied Dr. Briefs as he stared blankly at the wrong part of the set.

"Psst! Dr. Briefs! I'm over here!" hissed Gohan as he tried to get Briefs' attention before raising his voice up to "acting level", "Too true: (and you'll have to go easy on me here because I wasn't quite sure how to properly put this in layman's terms) the words I say here are making me wince a little—false words aren't easy on anyone to have to say after a while." and with that, they both left to leave Vegeta—when he arrived—and Bulma be alone.
......................................................................................................................................
"So what DOES it mean?" asked the oblivious Goku of the wild looking- stranger.

"Well it's kind of like this..." said the strange dark-haired girl before her voice dropped to a whisper. During her brief (and probably graphically descriptive) explanation, Goku's face went through half a million expressions ranging from confusion...to surprise...to shock...to realization.

"Let me get this straight: if Gohan and Chi-Chi..."

"Yep." Haiku grinned evilly, her amber eyes flashing.

"Goku get back here!" scolded Chi-Chi as she led—okay, dragged—her husband away by the arm.

"Hey Chi-Chi, um just checking, but that girl said something about you and Gohan back there and...well, can I just whisper it in your ear...?"

People on the other side of the world probably had to turn up their headphones way up for several minutes afterwards in order not to be driven deaf by the subsequent hissy fit.
..............................................................................................................................
After the commotion backstage died down, Vegeta (Hamlet) strode onto the set and began reciting in his best "Shakespearean" voice: "To be, or not to be—that is the question: whether 'tis far nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them. To die, to sleep—no more—and by a sleep to say we end the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep...

Bulma struggled to stay upright as she listened to Vegeta continuing his monologue.

"Does anyone know how to shut him up?" Bulma asked before drifting off while still onstage.
............................................................................................................................
Backstage, Vegeta's speech was having equally soporific effects: "He didn't get it from me..." Vegeta Sr. trailed off before falling into a deep slumber.

Goku: Zzzzzzzzzz zz...Zzzzz.... cookies...cake...yum.... zz Zzzzzz.........

Chi-Chi: Zzzzzz......zz zz...wash...your own...zzz...dishes...!
.............................................................................................................................
On the stage Vegeta suddenly stopped as he realized that Bulma seemed to be sleeping, or dead, or unconscious—wasn't she standing up a moment ago? He waited until she started snoring before "pushing her along" with his foot until she was under the curtain and deciding to turn this into a one-Prince play for the time being.

"I am fine, my lord," Vegeta began in a squeaky falsetto, "And you?" before running abruptly to a spot four feet away, where he should have been standing.

"I am fine," he said in his normal voice to the empty spot.

Dashing back to his former location, he continued Ophelia's script: "My lord, I have remembrances of you that I have longed long to redeliver." before rushing to the spot where, I repeat: he would have been standing were Bulma conscious.

"I don't remember saying anything." he replied in his normal voice (although he had affected a bit of a "Shakespeare accent")

"But you did!" he answered in a high voice as he returned to the "Ophelia/Bulma part of the stage, "You said it all—it makes even the sweetest things cruel when the one saying them is unkind!" and here he noticed that the audience was asleep, and that he had made a fine idiot of himself. "Well," he sighed, "at least I don't have to run around in circles while asking myself if I'm a virgin or not..." and with that he darted backstage in order to bring Bulma back out.

"Where were we...?" Bulma asked groggily as she was dragged out by the ankles.

"I just told you to 'a nunnery go!'"

"Huh? Oh, the play..." she babbled as Vegeta made a hasty retreat backstage to wake up Gohan and Dr. Briefs. "To see him like this hurts. O, woe is me t' have seen what I have seen, see what I see!"

"Love?" questioned Gohan as he stepped out onto the stage. "His affections do not that way tend, (that was a quote) but from what he spoke it didn't seem like he was crazy. There is definitely something the matter that he won't tell me—that's it: I'll send him to England, I think.

"The trip would do him good," replied Dr. Briefs, yawning as he spoke, "but I still think the cause of his madness is our Bulma. And speaking of whom...you don't have to tell us what he said Bulma; we were listening to the whole thing. Tell you what, my lord, after the play we will let Vegeta talk with his mom, and I'll spy on the whole conversation while I hide somewhere. If it turns out that Bulma isn't the cause, send him to England, or whatever you see fit."

"Good idea—madness in great ones must not unwatched go." (that was another quote) and with that they all left the stage.
.......................................................................................................................................
"Can someone please help me wake up Goten?!" Trunks had already been woken up, but apparently his friend was a VERY sound sleeper, and Bulma couldn't get him to rise-and-shine in time for the second scene.

"Here, let me help," said Trunks as he watched his mom dump glass after cold glass of water on Goten's head. "Hey Go-ten...look: ice cream!" he whispered.

"ICE CREAM! WHERE?!!" Goten shouted ecstatically as he leapt up and—as if on cue—everyone began laughing. "Huh? I don't see any ice cream..." he pouted before walking on-stage.
.......................................................................................................................................
"All right—you two only have to remember a simple speech...can you handle it? And don't over-act and mess it up either." Vegeta said condescendingly to the two child-actors.

"Yeah, I think we can handle an easy job," answered Trunks.

"Don't you dare UNDER-act either—the actions should fit the words, and not overstep them or upstage them. I've seen actors that had the accent gait and speech of absolutely nothing they were supposed to be playing—don't do that. Ever."

"Don't worry," reassured Goten, "we have it all worked out."

"You had better," Vegeta said loftily, "and no 'improving' the script!" he barked as Goten and Trunks hurried off-stage.

"So," said Vegeta as he noticed Dr. Briefs, Yajirobe, and Dende walking on- stage, "will the king hear this piece of work?"

"Uh-huh." answered Dr. Briefs (Polonius), "And the Queen too."

"Tell the actors to get their butts in gear." Vegeta shot at Dr. Briefs as he left the stage. "And you two go help!" he also shouted at Yajirobe and Dende as they also left (how come they don't say anything?). "Hello Yamcha (Horatio)."

"Here I am at your service milord."

"Just the man I was looking for!'

"Thank y—"

"I wasn't trying to flatter you, you know—I need your opinion of my plan: when the play goes on tonight, it will be about a murder much like that of my father's, so you'll have to watch Gohan's face carefully. If he shows no response, we call in the exorcist or something because that ghost is just a demon, and if not...let's just say Chi-Chi (Gertrude) will be mourning the death of a second husband." At this moment a low-quality recording of some trumpets was piped in from backstage: "They are coming to the play—find yourself a seat while I look innocent."

"And how is our Vegeta?" asked Gohan warmly as he strode up.

Not quite knowing how to say it more simply Vegeta answered from the script: "Excellent, i' faith, of the chameleon's dish. I eat the air, promise-crammed. You cannot feed capons so."

"I have no clue what that means, and I have no answer to it."

"Hey, Dr. Briefs—didn't you say you were an actor in university?"

"Yep. And a dang good 'un too! I remember this one time..."

"Mm-hm. Julius Caesar right? And Brutus killed you? I know that."

"How about you came sit by me?" invited Chi-Chi.

"No, there's something more interesting here." And with that he went and lay at Bulma's feet. "Can I lie on your lap?"

"Huh?! Um...no."

"I meant could I lie my HEAD on your lap. What did you think I meant? Something a little more...paws air and growls softly" (the original of that requires more thought to figure out, so I said it more plainly—but yes it means the exact same)

"I think nothing."

"That's a fair thought to lie between maid's legs."

"What is?"

"Nothing." (actually, the last four lines were direct from the script)

"Someone's feeling good tonight."

"Me?"

"Yes."

"What can a man do but be happy? Look at my "mom"—dad died two hours ago, but she's pretty happy with Gohan over there."

"Vegeta, your dad died two MONTHS ago."

"Oh? Well, at least he's remembered." And at this point Trunks, Goten, and Master Roshi entered the stage and began a silent play that went like this: Goten (a king) and Trunks (playing a queen—and yes; he's wearing a dress—because he's much prettier) walk around locked in each other's embrace, Trunks kneels and makes a show of protestation unto Goten, who takes Trunks up and rests his head on his friend's neck, Goten lies down and then Trunks leaves when Goten looks asleep, Roshi comes in, takes off Goten's crown and kisses it, pours poison in Goten's ear, then leaves. Trunks comes back, sees Goten dead, acts all passionate and melodramatic, Roshi comes in and comforts him and Goten's body is carried away. Roshi gives Trunks a bunch of gifts, who at first refuses, but then accepts. THE END

Vegeta nudged Bulma: "And here comes the prologue."

"Is he going to tell me what that show meant?"

"Ay, or any show that you'll show him. Be not you ashamed to show, he'll not shame to tell you what it means." (quote, and you figure out what it means)

"You are naughty, you ARE naughty! I'll just watch the play."

And now Roshi entered the stage and said: "For us and for our tragedy, here stooping to your clemency, we beg your hearing patiently."

"Is this the prologue or a bunch of nonsense?" asked Vegeta impatiently.
................................................................................................................................
Haiku: WHAT?!?! YOU'RE SKIPPING TWO PAGES?!!! Oh well, who cares.

Chikara: Yeah. The rest was too long, and I'm getting sleepy. Just in case you're wondering what you missed, you didn't—miss anything that is. It's just the king and queen in the mini-play talking and acting. Now we'll just fast forward to the king being slain by the poison being poured in his ears...
.....................................................................................................................................
Seeing events so similar to ones he had perpetrated fold out onstage was too much for Gohan, so he jumped up to leave.

"Scared?" asked Vegeta.

"What's wrong?" asked Bulma.

"Lights!" cried Gohan, "show's over, let's go!" and here everyone except Vegeta and Yamcha left.

"Well now I definitely trust my dad's ghost!" proclaimed Vegeta, "You saw Gohan's face, didn't you?"

"When they talked about the poisoning?"

"Yes."

"Perfect! Now how about some music?" shouted Vegeta just as Yajirobe and Dende entered the room.

"Um, Vegeta..." ventured Dende (Guildenstern), "your mom wants to see you."

"Really?"

"Yes, could you give me a good answer to bring to her?"

"Alas, no."

"Your mom's worried," said Yajirobe (Rosencrantz), "you've been acting strange lately."

"I suppose. Is there anything else she said?"

"Just have a word with her before you go off to bed."

"Certainly," answered Vegeta, "Anything else?"

"Yeah, last time I checked we were friends."

"I thought we still were."

"Good, now can you tell me what your problem is," pressed Yajirobe, "I mean, if something's bugging you, you can at least tell me...right?"

"I'm going nowhere in life."

"What?! You'll be king someday!"

"Yes, but while the grass grows, the horse starves—won't my uncle have to die before that happens? Hey! It's that music I called for! By the way you two, why bother trying to trick me?"

"I really don't feel any reason not to," replied Dende.

"What kind of answer is that? Hey, can you play any music yourself?"

"No, really I can't."

"Try."

"Believe me, I cannot (and that was pulled from the original)"

"Try."

"But I can't."

"It's as easy as lying: just take the recorder or flute snatches from one of the musicians—who just happened to be Krillin---and hold it like so...it's just a simple matter of blowing into it."

"I really sound bad at this you know."

"So you think me that simple? You're pretty sure you could play me more easily than a stupid recorder, and make me tell you whatever. I think you will find me more difficult than that—though you fret me, you cannot play upon me." (the part after the dash was a little pun Shakespeare did on the different meanings of "fret")

"Hey Vegeta," Dr. Briefs called out as he interrupted, "your mom wants to talk to you!"

"Oh, look: a cloud shaped like a camel," interjected Vegeta, seemingly to keep the "crazy" image in place.

"Huh?" Dr. Briefs looked questioningly up, "I guess it does."

"Or is it a weasel?"

"It has a weasel's back."

"Or a whale..."

"It looks just like one."

"I guess I will go have a chat with her, I'll go sometime soon to talk."

"I'll tell her that."

"You can all go," Vegeta said as he motioned for the rest to leave. Once they were gone he again went into speech mode and declared: "Tis now the very witching time of night, when churchyards yawn, and hell itself breathes out contagion to this world. Now could I drink hot blood and do such bitter business as the day would quake to look on. Soft, now to my mother. O heart, lose not thy nature; let not ever the soul of Nero enter this firm bosom. Let me be cruel, not unnatural; I will speak daggers to her, but use none. My tongue and soul in this be hypocrites: how in my words she be shent, to give them seals never, my soul, consent." (translation: it's dark and creepy out and I'm really pissed off, so I'm gonna go yell at my mom, but I won't mean it)
........................................................................................................................................
"Nice speech Vegeta," Yamcha needled the Saiyan, "you could put a heck of a lot of drug companies out of business with your little insomnia cure earlier."

"Honestly, Yamcha," Bulma sighed and rolled her eyes, "What's your problem with Vegeta anyways...oh!" she realized as Yamcha looked meaningfully from Trunks, to Vegeta, to Bulma, "You're still sore about that?! Why don't you just get a life—they're in the 'hint' section of the department store next to the 'clues'." She teased as Yamcha turned a rather pretty shade of pink and walked away to 'get something he forgot'.

"Nice one mom!"

"Thanks—just don't ever talk to me like that. And Vegeta," she said as she turned from her son to the boy's father, "the first one put me to sleep all right, but the second was said creepily enough to make me convinced you were about to do something psycho!"

"Right..."
..........................................................................................................................................
Gohan paced the floor with Yajirobe and Dende in tow: "I really think the Prince is acting too weird to keep him around here—you two are to take him to England when you go."

"Glad to oblige," answered Dende earnestly.

"Whatever you think is good," Yajirobe followed up.

"Good, now make sure you go there quickly and with Vegeta, before he does something weird or psychotic."

"We'll pick up the pace soon enough," Yajirobe answered before he and Dende left.

"Oh, Gohan!" Dr. Briefs called out as he approached the 'king', "Vegeta's going to have a chat with his mom, so I'll just go hide somewhere behind a tapestry and listen."

"Good idea!" Gohan replied as Dr. Briefs left. Once alone, he continued speaking: "I know I killed my brother to gain the throne, but I had no idea guilt could be this powerful. If I could give up one thing I gained—a queen, a crown, fulfilled ambition—would I be free of it? Things must be a lot simpler in the other dimension than on earth—what you gained from a crime down here makes no difference after you die, but you still keep the guilt. If there is any way to put my self back together and forget my guilt, I would really like to know." kneels, apparently praying However, while he knelt, Vegeta snuck in and saw his uncle sitting there and oblivious to his nephew/stepson's presence.

"Hmm...this would be a good chance," Vegeta said thoughtfully, "but while he's praying? I want to make a villain out of him, not a martyr! I'll kill him later—like when he's drunk or swearing, or angry...or doing something with Chi-Chi! Anything that will make him seem as bad as, or worse than, myself." And so he left to yell at his mom.

Once Vegeta was gone Gohan rose from the floor:"(sigh) I'm just saying words, but my heart's not in them. I guess I'm just damned, literally."
...............................................................................................................
"You meant that one to sting, didn't you?" Gohan accused Vegeta. Apparently the number of times the word "incest" popped up in the script referring to he and his mother was really getting to him.

Vegeta was about to respond when his father cut across him: "Now see here, you stupid peasant! That was in the original script—and how dare you talk to your betters that way?!"

Vegeta Jr. groaned softly (although he DID enjoy seeing someone called a "stupid peasant"). Why didn't his dad just realize that they weren't in charge anymore? "Dad," he said softly as he tapped his father on the shoulder, "you and I...we're really not in charge of anyone—as much as I wish it were so. We're pretty much on the bottom rung of the respect-and- reverence ladder."

"What?! Next you'll be telling me that Kakarot is the real leader, and not you." However, once he saw the look of frustration on his son's face he finally realized what was the problem. "He is...? Our family holds the throne for Kami-knows-how-long and what, by some evil miracle, happens? We are usurpt by a peasant! (spits in Goku's general direction) This, Kakarot, shall go further than you think! From this day forward there is to be only enmity between our houses! And—!" he was cut across by Bulma, however before he could say anymore.

"Will you please pipe down; I'm trying to go over my lines one last time! And really Vegeta—Sr. that is—you're really taking this a little too personally. Not even your son gets this worked up...at least he doesn't anymore. And stop talking so, so, so...fake-Shakespeare-ish! It's really annoying! It's not like Goku's king or anything, either—people just like him more!" as you've probably guessed, Vegeta Sr. shut up promptly—Bulma has that effect sometimes.
............................................................................................................
"So you don't mind if I hide here and listen?"

"Why, not at all," Chi-Chi reassured Dr. Briefs.

"Mom!" shouted Vegeta in the hallway, "Hey, Mom!"

"You had better hide." Chi-Chi urged Dr. Briefs as he hid behind a tapestry.

"So...what's this about?" asked Vegeta curiously as he entered the room.

"Vegeta, you have offended your father a great deal."

"Mother, you have my father much offended." (quote)

"Don't get smart with me, young man."

"You should be more careful with your words."

"Why now, Vegeta? Why now...?"

"What's the matter?"

"Have you forgotten your poor old mother?"

"Not by any means! You are queen, your husband's-brother's-wife and—alas—my mom."

"(sigh) Perhaps there is no way for me to handle this..."

"Come, sit down; you won't leave until I find a way for you to see how I'm sure you are on the inside."

"WHAT?! Do you plan to murder me or something?! HELP!!"

"Murder?!" gasped Dr. Briefs behind the wall-hanging.

"Hmm? Is that a rat?" Vegeta asked no-one in particular as he drew his sword and turned to the tapestry, "Well it's dead now!" stabs sword through tapestry and "kills" Dr. Briefs

"Oww! I'm dead now!" yelped Dr. Briefs as he made an exaggerated show of dying that, unfortunately, was hidden from view by the curtain.

"WHAT DID—?!"

Dr. Briefs: (fake sounding "help-I'm-dying-choke")

"...YOU DO?!" finished Chi-Chi after the brief interruption.

"I don't know," replied Vegeta, "was it Gohan?"

"How rash and bloody do you get?!"

"Well...it's bloody all right—almost as bad as marrying the brother of a king marrying his dead brother's wife after murdering him."

"Murdered?"

"That's what I said," he answered as he lifted up the tapestry.

Dr. Briefs: (goes cross-eyed and makes odd dying noise that sounds kind of gross when the cloth is lifted)

"Ewww...what an idiot!"

"Hey! Just because he's dead doesn't mean you can insult him!"

"Excuse me: he was standing hidden in your room; he was spying; he knows I'm unstable. Does this sound like something an intelligent person would think of doing?"

"Why does the headline-making bad event happen always around me?"

"Think of this mom: two brothers; one is married, the other isn't. One day the one kills the other and takes his woman for his own. Sound familiar? Are you so blind so as not to see what is happening right in front of you? Are you so blind as to overlook something so obvious and not see it, and instead fall for the brother's tricks?"

"Please stop it! My eyes are showing my soul from the way you speak to me so harshly!"

"And in the night, in your bed you and he—"

"QUIET!"

"A murderer and villain, remember that. He is the one who stole the precious gem from the shelf and pocketed it—!"

"NO MORE!" Chi-Chi sobbed/shrieked melodramatically—I guess as a result of years of dedicated practice—as Vegeta Sr. (King Hamlet's ghost) entered once again.

"Father, help me."

"Alas, he's mad," (quote) Chi-Chi sighed, unable to see the ghost.

"Are you hear to give me trouble for missing my chance earlier?" Vegeta Jr. asked his dad.

"Don't forget," Vegeta Sr. said to his son, "I'm only here to remind you that you have a job to do. As for your mom...you have a vivid imagination and a voice—use them!"

"Hmmm...So how is it with you, lady?" Vegeta asked as he rounded once again on his mother.

"How is it with you? Unless I really am blind you were just talking to thin air a moment ago! What are you staring at?"

"Him! Look at how pale he is, and how set he is—if he were to speak to a rock even it would listen!"

"Who?"

"Can't you see him?"

"No."

"Didn't you hear him?!"

"Not at all."

"Look, and there he goes! My father, looking much like he did in life."

"You're imagining this whole thing."

"Imagining? I am just as sane as you, mother. Test me and I could show you perfectly well how sane I am. For the love of grace, don't assume I am mad and forget what I say! Please forget what has happen and undo your wrong—leave your husband's brother and let my father be at peace."

"You tear my heart in two!"

"Then get rid of the worse part and keep the rest. I must be cruel only to be kind (we all know Shakespeare wrote that last sentence). Throw the devil of a man out, mom, and instead be happy and good."

"What?"

"If he should tempt you then resist, or do whatever else you must!"

"I am totally speechless..."

"You know I am going to England?"

"I had almost forgotten."

"My journey is for sure, my destination known. I am going with two others that I trust about as much as a couple of poisonous snakes," he finished speaking as his mom left, shortly before he himself did—dragging Dr. Briefs (who was STILL making assorted "dead" faces, trying to find one that fit) by the ankles.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Chikara: Late in coming? Perhaps...but at least I made it. Don't worry though, there aren't going to be any more huge delays. Besides, there are only two more chapters to go.

Haiku: Hurry up and tell us how much of her abilities were lost when she was grounded and—mph! Mmff! Nm...!

Chikara: (covers Haiku's mouth) Just review, please. I'm still annoyed that I can't use the asterisks to do actions anymore--it really changes how scripts look.