February 15th:
Friday
Okay, I needed a day to process all this. By process, of course, I mean sobbing in my room for hours wondering what I'd done wrong. I still don't really know what happened. Claud says it's not my fault, he's just an ass, but I can't say that about him. I still love him. At least I think I do. Anyway, we were at dinner, at my favorite restaurant, Noodle Express. We were just talking and so I sort of casually mentioned that I saw him smoking with Amanda and Lisa the other day. Well, he got all defensive, and was like "SO?". I mean really, I told him I didn't care, I was just mentioning it. Then he started accusing me of being way too jealous and uptight, blah blah blah. So we started yelling (people were staring at us). It got really ugly, and I accused him of some awful things, and he called me a slut and stuff. So I told him to go to hell, I hailed a cab and came home. I feel so stupid. I mean, I could have avoided the whole thing if I had just shut my mouth. I'm such an idiot. But he didn't have to take it like that. And it really hurt that he called me a slut and a whore. I know why it is. because I have lotsa guy friends who always are crushing on me. He gets so jealous of them. But it's not my fault! I've always been faithful to him. I guess Claud's right, I don't need him. But I sure do miss him.
February 20th: Wednesday
Haven't written for almost a week. Sorry. It's just been a real crappy week so far. Well first there was Sam, which has left me pretty depressed. It doesn't help that a few days ago I saw him with Amanda. alone. They looked pretty close. I've also been fighting this nasty cold which totally throws my blood sugar off whack. I had a pop quiz in Calc, and since I've been doing basically nothing all week besides lounging and watching TV, I didn't do so well. I didn't flunk, but I now have a serious dent in my class average. Sigh, sigh, sigh.
February 23rd: Saturday
Sam called me today. He said he just wanted to apologize for what he'd said to me. So I apologized back. But we agreed that our relationship had some problems, like the fact that I am so jealous of his friends (the pot heads at least). So we're still broken up. I asked him about Amanda. He kind of paused for a minute and he was like "well, we're sort of seeing each other." I figured as much. That slut was probably just waiting to get me out of the picture so she could have him. He probably wanted her too. They deserve each other. But all I said was "oh". The conversation sort of died after that. I never really thought about what would happen. I mean, I've been in love with him for awhile and we were always friends before that. I didn't want to lose him as a friend, but it would be sort of weird otherwise. And what about when I go to Kristy's and see him? Will that be weird? I used to think that Sam and I would get married, have kids. Now will who I marry? God what a stupid thought. But really, there are no other guys that I really like right now. All I ever wanted was Sam. I'm home on a Saturday night, my head hurts and Rachael's crying really loudly. I think I'm going to bed.
February 24th: Sunday
Laine had the day off, so I headed over by her and we went for coffee. My relationship with Laine is another weird one. Even though I've known her all my life, I've never really felt close to her in the way I have to Claudia or the other BSC members for that matter. Maybe it's because in 8th grade we had a huge fight. I didn't even really talk to her again until our junior year of high school when I moved back to NYC and went back to Parker Academy, where Laine also goes to school. By that point, I had matured a little and she had loosened up a little, and we clicked again. But sometimes, there's that little bit of akwardness. Like today. It was really nice to see her. She looks so different. very Bohemian. Her curly brown hair is long, almost to her mid back, and she's lost weight. She looks very skinny, and she had bags under her eyes, undoubtedly from all the weed. She was wearing a loose hippie shirt which hung off of her, dirty flare jeans and sandals. When I saw her, she said "Hey Stace" in a sort of wistful way and wrapped in a tight hug. She smelled of incense, pot and something else. I don't know what. We talked about how life has been. She told me all about her college adventures, and her family and I told her about me and Sam. Although she said she was very happy, I could tell she wasn't, really. She seemed really sad telling me about how she left Northwestern and the fight she'd had with her parents. She showed me her henna work she'd done on her own hands and arms. It was like this was her pride, all she had to show of her accomplishments. When I left, I promised Laine I'd see her again soon, and trudged back to the subway feeling depressed.
February 28th: Thursday
Last day of the month, can't say I'm sorry. This past one has really sucked. I haven't talked to Sam since the last call, but I've seen him with Amanda plenty of times, and all of them were positively nauseating. I even saw them kiss once. She's such a whore. I bet she's giving him his dessert, I mean why else would he want her? On a bright site, I'm going back to Stoneybrook for Spring Break. Kristy says Sam is staying in NewYork, so it will be a truly relaxing vacation. Yay! Claud has the same break, so I'll get to see her. Only two more weeks.
Okay, I needed a day to process all this. By process, of course, I mean sobbing in my room for hours wondering what I'd done wrong. I still don't really know what happened. Claud says it's not my fault, he's just an ass, but I can't say that about him. I still love him. At least I think I do. Anyway, we were at dinner, at my favorite restaurant, Noodle Express. We were just talking and so I sort of casually mentioned that I saw him smoking with Amanda and Lisa the other day. Well, he got all defensive, and was like "SO?". I mean really, I told him I didn't care, I was just mentioning it. Then he started accusing me of being way too jealous and uptight, blah blah blah. So we started yelling (people were staring at us). It got really ugly, and I accused him of some awful things, and he called me a slut and stuff. So I told him to go to hell, I hailed a cab and came home. I feel so stupid. I mean, I could have avoided the whole thing if I had just shut my mouth. I'm such an idiot. But he didn't have to take it like that. And it really hurt that he called me a slut and a whore. I know why it is. because I have lotsa guy friends who always are crushing on me. He gets so jealous of them. But it's not my fault! I've always been faithful to him. I guess Claud's right, I don't need him. But I sure do miss him.
February 20th: Wednesday
Haven't written for almost a week. Sorry. It's just been a real crappy week so far. Well first there was Sam, which has left me pretty depressed. It doesn't help that a few days ago I saw him with Amanda. alone. They looked pretty close. I've also been fighting this nasty cold which totally throws my blood sugar off whack. I had a pop quiz in Calc, and since I've been doing basically nothing all week besides lounging and watching TV, I didn't do so well. I didn't flunk, but I now have a serious dent in my class average. Sigh, sigh, sigh.
February 23rd: Saturday
Sam called me today. He said he just wanted to apologize for what he'd said to me. So I apologized back. But we agreed that our relationship had some problems, like the fact that I am so jealous of his friends (the pot heads at least). So we're still broken up. I asked him about Amanda. He kind of paused for a minute and he was like "well, we're sort of seeing each other." I figured as much. That slut was probably just waiting to get me out of the picture so she could have him. He probably wanted her too. They deserve each other. But all I said was "oh". The conversation sort of died after that. I never really thought about what would happen. I mean, I've been in love with him for awhile and we were always friends before that. I didn't want to lose him as a friend, but it would be sort of weird otherwise. And what about when I go to Kristy's and see him? Will that be weird? I used to think that Sam and I would get married, have kids. Now will who I marry? God what a stupid thought. But really, there are no other guys that I really like right now. All I ever wanted was Sam. I'm home on a Saturday night, my head hurts and Rachael's crying really loudly. I think I'm going to bed.
February 24th: Sunday
Laine had the day off, so I headed over by her and we went for coffee. My relationship with Laine is another weird one. Even though I've known her all my life, I've never really felt close to her in the way I have to Claudia or the other BSC members for that matter. Maybe it's because in 8th grade we had a huge fight. I didn't even really talk to her again until our junior year of high school when I moved back to NYC and went back to Parker Academy, where Laine also goes to school. By that point, I had matured a little and she had loosened up a little, and we clicked again. But sometimes, there's that little bit of akwardness. Like today. It was really nice to see her. She looks so different. very Bohemian. Her curly brown hair is long, almost to her mid back, and she's lost weight. She looks very skinny, and she had bags under her eyes, undoubtedly from all the weed. She was wearing a loose hippie shirt which hung off of her, dirty flare jeans and sandals. When I saw her, she said "Hey Stace" in a sort of wistful way and wrapped in a tight hug. She smelled of incense, pot and something else. I don't know what. We talked about how life has been. She told me all about her college adventures, and her family and I told her about me and Sam. Although she said she was very happy, I could tell she wasn't, really. She seemed really sad telling me about how she left Northwestern and the fight she'd had with her parents. She showed me her henna work she'd done on her own hands and arms. It was like this was her pride, all she had to show of her accomplishments. When I left, I promised Laine I'd see her again soon, and trudged back to the subway feeling depressed.
February 28th: Thursday
Last day of the month, can't say I'm sorry. This past one has really sucked. I haven't talked to Sam since the last call, but I've seen him with Amanda plenty of times, and all of them were positively nauseating. I even saw them kiss once. She's such a whore. I bet she's giving him his dessert, I mean why else would he want her? On a bright site, I'm going back to Stoneybrook for Spring Break. Kristy says Sam is staying in NewYork, so it will be a truly relaxing vacation. Yay! Claud has the same break, so I'll get to see her. Only two more weeks.