Disclaimer – I don't own Naruto, and I never will, but as long as I have this disclaimer up here, I can right as many Naruto fics as I want. So that's a good thing ^^
Summary – After an incident, the pain, the loneliness, the deceit, the crying, shatter Naruto. Now he wants to make everyone happy, and what better way to make them happy then to rid them of him? After the attempt fails, Naruto isolates himself, thinking a fearing that everyone is against him, that they hate him, and that he is just a pain in there side. How can team 7 and a few others take Naruto out of this depression? Or worse…what if he does something horrible before they can?
Morgri- Sorry for the long wait of this chapter, I'm really busy these days… but no problem… you can always expect an update from me, I ALWAYS FINISH MY STORIES!!!! Isn't that a good thing? Hehe…
Ah and by, the way the stanzas at the beginning are from "The Castaway" By William Cowper… a pre-romantic poet… the poem tells of a person who died lost at sea, he compares this of how much of a struggle it is to get out of his own loneliness and despair when he fell into deep depression. However do to the length I put only the last two stanzas… if you would like to know the whole poem then just email me or put it in a review and I will gladly send it to you.
"Speaking"
(Thoughts)
*other peoples writing*
Flashback
*~*~* Shift in time or scene*~*~*
Shattered
By: Morgri
Chapter Five
I therefore purpose not, or dream,
Descanting on his fate,
To give the melancholy theme,
A more enduring date:
But misery still delights to trace
Its semblance in another's case.
No voice divine the storm allayed
No light propitious shone,
When, snatched from all effectual aid,
We perished, each alone;
But I beneath a rougher sea,
And whelmed in deeper gulfs then he.
Why? Why do they keep on doing this? They took all the needles away… Why? I felt so…accepted. It seemed for that one moment… when all that blood was leaving me – I felt like people were finally happy. I felt… as if… the world was finally for me… not… against me. I felt like they… loved… watching the blood roll down my body. It felt like… someone was actually saying "you made the right choice, go deeper and deeper, you're doing the right thing!" That feeling felt… so… different, something I've never felt… before. That feeling… it made me want to… just keep going… deeper and deeper… I wanted to see more blood. I still… want to see it.
Why can't they let me do something… right? They always told me "You're doing this wrong" or "I wish you'd actually do something right!" Wasn't I… doing something right? I felt so… accepted… I had to be doing something right.
Why!? Why!? Why… can't I have that feeling? Why can't I have love? Why can't I have Friendship? Why can't I have kindness? Why can't I have happiness? Is life… just -- am I just – I'm so confused! Are things always this way? Or is it just me? I can cry like I am doing now… but that doesn't help, it never has! Crying never gave me compassion or friendship or happiness… it gave me nothing! It just gave me – me!
And…
What am I good for?
I'm good for nothing. Just… a crybaby; All I do is just… cry! I hate it! I hate it! I despise it! Cry plus relieve is equal to nothing… All I get out of crying is despair. So… why can't I stop? Because… despair is… me? Am I everything that represents wrong in this world? Am I just some worthless ship sinking to the bottom of the sea? It... i-it sure feels like it.
But those moments… when the blood was leaving my body… I didn't feel that way! I felt so much different. So indescribable… why… did I feel that way. Why did it feel like I could finally have a good sleep without the nightmares or melancholy thoughts. Just that… if I could only have that feeling back… I would – it would – I dunno… I would feel – I could maybe cry… differently. I could finally know that Naruto Uzumaki did something that everybody was glad about. I want to do it again… but how?
Since nobody will love me, since nobody will give me friendship, since nobody will be kind – Why not! Why can't anybody love me! Why am I always crying, why can't I have that feeling anymore. It was so happy to see my blood leave –I was so… glad to see it leave. The deeper I went more blood escaped… I felt tired… but that feeling was great. The more tired I got the more pleasure I felt.
But… who am I to have that feeling? I deserve what I am… I deserve to be alone, I deserve to cry alone, I deserve not to be loved, I deserve not to be befriended… that is my fate. A guy named Neji said that my fate was already decided… I guess… he was right.
I tried so hard! I really did! I wanted there friendship! I wanted anything they would give me… even if it was what was left over. They… didn't give it to me… but I didn't deserve to know any of that anyway. They were right, I was wrong… like always. Nobody wanted me though… they never did. I wasn't right for the; this was what I was right for. But… I don't like it. Every moment I think about it – it – I –I'm – I cry. There's no other word for it. Bawling, tears flowing, crying… it's all the same. It's what I am.
All I can do is to stay huddled up like this and cry… but… that feeling… what was that feeling? I want more! More! More! More! More! More! I want it! I don't care what gives it to me!
But…
All the needles are gone though… they want to see me suffer. They know I deserve to suffer. Me, Myself, I deserve to suffer… every little bit. Because of me people scream, because of me people fail, because of me people are unhappy. It's all because of me. If I wasn't here… it wouldn't be like that though. If I wasn't here nobody could hurt me… nor could I hurt any of them.
Instead…
I could…. Get that feeling back. I could have that feeling without anybody trying to take it away! Maybe that could stop the crying! Maybe that could give me comfort… the comfort I've never had. The comfort I've always wished for! I could… be with *my* friend. I could be with the one that encouraged me to do one thing right! Wouldn't that make people happy? Wouldn't that make the people – would that make love… love me? Would that give – would it take the confusion away? The heartache, the pain, the deceit, and the loneliness away; maybe… it would.
I could finally be… me… without having to be… to be… them. Maybe… the blood… or maybe… pain will let me... be me; Just me… the Naruto that's Naruto.
If nobody else will…
Then…
I'll…
Just stay alone…
And…
Huh?? Alone. Alone. Loneliness is the essence of alone. And that *alone* brings despair… and misery. And it's' even worse when… when you nobodies there to help you in any way. They… left me alone… completely… in fact… they never were there for me.
How then?
Was I born? Am I a mistake on this earth? I never had any parents, never had any brothers or sisters, I've never had anybody. So I guess that's what… I have to be… alone. Alone in this world, alone in the next; what's the point of me? Should I – maybe – because in the other world no one will be there! There will be no one to hurt me, no one to say bad things about me! I won't be a bother anymore…
But then…
Nobody… would be there to comfort me either. I would never have anybody.
But…
They were never there anyway… so why does it matter. At least the other world will accept me enough to not hurt me… or insult me. Nobody will look down on me anymore… I won't have to see those angry eyes anymore.
I guess… that's the way it has to be…
So…
I'll do that… at least… I can make… them… happy.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Hinata knew that Naruto's condition was getting worse and worse. He hadn't eaten anything for the past four days nor had he drunken anything. He was becoming weaker and weaker by the second. No matter how much the nurses tried to make Naruto better he just wouldn't let them. All he did was roll himself into a ball and cry. This Frustrated Hinata a lot. She desperately wanted him to get well. For the last four days all she did was think about him. She couldn't sleep because she was constantly worried about him and right now she made her way to the hospital to see him.
Sakura had passed by her house in the morning. Hinata couldn't believe it when she heard that Naruto was cutting himself. Hopefully today he would be awake, though. Maybe he needed somebody to say "I love you" to him in order for him get out of his depression. Besides, she did… love him. Why did she? She didn't know herself. Was it the strength he showed? No… it couldn't have been that, she still loved him… even while he was in the midst of his depression. Was it how he looked? Well… some of it was that… he *was* so adorable! To Hinata at least… either way she didn't know what it was. He just – something just captivated her. Just seeing him made Hinata's heart race.
But she wasn't concentrating on that now. She wanted to get to the hospital. She was very disappointed that her parents wouldn't let her go see him the day before. That was why… she was running. She wanted to see him… like never before. *He* needed *her* now; she had to do something. Anything! She couldn't bear the thought of him staying like that. She wanted to see his eyes sparkle like the use too; she wanted his confidence to return! Most of all, though, she wanted to hug him… no… she wanted to love him.
When… he didn't accept her hug… she was crushed. What could she do… what did she have to do to let her hold him… to comfort him.
Maybe today… she could do that. She knew Naruto needed those three simple words. She was sure those three simple words would do something in his life he could never imagine. Well… she hoped anyway. The poor boy… he needed acceptance… and Hinata… wanted to give him that acceptance… that love.
Hinata took especially care of making Naruto's favorite dish. She was holding it in her hand as she ran. Instant ramen, she new the boy loved that. He was sure to eat that… he had to eat something… he was becoming weaker. He needed to eat… really. A person can only go so long without eating.
The day was especially bright though. Hinata didn't like this… rain was supposed to be appropriate for days like this.
How could she understand what Naruto was feeling? If rain didn't even care to show up for… what the heck did? Rather then… her. Sakura and Sasuke were good friends… but they knew Naruto wouldn't respond to anything they did. What made her think that she could do anything? If the two people closest to Naruto couldn't do anything, how the heck could she do something?
Of course… they weren't the closest to Naruto. Iruka-sensai was like a father to the boy. Hopefully he would give Naruto a visit. That would always be good. If anybody could do something it would be Iruka!
"Ugh!" Hinata dropped to floor dropping all the ramen she had carefully prepared for Naruto. "OH! The ramen!" She looked to see who she had run into. "Sasuke-kun! I-I'm sorry, I was in a rush!" She said with a small bow… and rushed on her way.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sasuke walked beside a melancholy Sakura. Both were going to visit the hospital today. Since training was done and all affairs were taken care of for that day they decided to waist some time with Naruto. Still Sakura couldn't get over the frightful image that happened the day before. He was trying again… for the second time… or maybe, he wasn't trying it. The way he looked at the blood… his eyes… his smile… frightened her as well as Sasuke.
Sasuke for one had never imagined Naruto would wear such a face. Those dark eyes, that dark smile… it didn't completely frighten him… it rather, gave him a certain uneasiness that he had never felt before… the same uneasiness he felt when his darn brother killed his family. In a sense… it wasn't the friend he had come to know. Sure… he knew that it was Naruto, but… it wasn't the same Naruto that had become his friend, companion, and rival.
For the first time Naruto… was showing his weak side, his real side. The side that nobody ever knew about him… or ever cared enough to find out. That alone sickened Sasuke… sure he went threw emotional stress losing his family and all… but… he still had that kindness and love that everybody needed. He *had* a family… and he was hoping to one day revive that family.
But…
Naruto… never had a family. He never knew what it was like to feel love… even from something as simple as a family. And even while he was growing up – even while he tried to get that love from somebody… nobody would dare return it. Why? Because he was a fox? Yes, there was no denying it, he WAS the fox, but he was still Naruto. He controlled every action, every thought, everything he did was Naruto! Not the fox.
That was something Sasuke couldn't never understand.
They slowly made there way into the hospital to see a distressed Hinata. She was going from doctor to doctor, from nurse to nurse asking them if they had seen Naruto. Sakura ran over to see what the probably was.
Hinata immediately froze when she saw Sasuke, "D-didn't – w-weren't going the opposite way of me when I last saw you?"
"huh?"
"Oh no!" Hinata said running out the hospital… followed by Sasuke.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Naruto had single handedly tricked everyone by using henge to turn into Sasuke. And here he was, at the place were he first became a ninja.
He sat there, huddled up kunai in hand. Blood rolled slowly down his hands and onto the floor. Not only there, his legs, his arms; all were dropping the precious fluid, were each puddle ran together making a large pool of red about three feet from him. His smile was the same, his eyes were the same… except this time… no one was there to stop him.
And that…
He took advantage of.
Allowing as much of blood leave as possible, he felt lightheaded and tired. He felt his energy leave is body slowly minute by minute. He… just… didn't care. So what? I'm being accepted… just by that alone. What was he losing anyway? Friends? Family? He had none. And while he had the chance he wanted the blood to leave… because the more that left the better he felt… the more the blood was happy… the more the people were happy… the more he was… being… accepted.
And…
If that was the only way to gain acceptance then it was alright with him. If he couldn't get love, or friendship or anything else… then he would stay with acceptance… besides… that's all he really wanted. Though he couldn't lie about it… he wanted everything else… but… he couldn't have it… and would never have something as precious as that.
He lowered the kunai in his hand to his right wrist. One place he hadn't cut yet. This is the place… I felt so good when I cut here. He began slowly cutting into his wrist. He winced, the pain was a bit worse do to the scar he had from the first one. He didn't care though; it would be over soon… the feeling would be so much better.
Naruto stopped for a second looking up. Two ninja's had come across him. He froze. What was he to do? They were laughing… at him and they were coming… closer. The smile they were wasn't a nice smile. It was a smile Naruto knew well. Flash backs of kids beating him race through his mind. They hated him… The kids… because… he was different… they… hurt him… because he was different.
But…
Every kid was different right? Why was he the exception?
One ninja whispered to the other. The other then turned towards Naruto and spoke to him, "I know you. You're that fox kid, aren't you?"
No response.
"Hmmm, speechless are you?" The ninja starred straight into Naruto's dull eyes. "Well," the ninja turned to the other, "Why don't we give the village a present?" he said as he averted his eyes back to Naruto.
"Why don't I help you with those wounds?" The ninja stared deeply in Naruto's eyes with a grin. He advanced toward Naruto and picked him up by his collar. Fright was apparent in Naruto's eyes as he came closer and closer to the ninja.
He knew what was coming…
The ninja kneed Naruto is the stomach. The shear force of the kick made Naruto cough out blood as he slumped down on his knees holding his stomach… tears apparent. The second ninja charged at the defenseless boy kicking him in the head and sending him sliding a couple feet on the hard ground.
Naruto didn't move…
He knew…
That if he moved they would just hurt him more. Yet, if he stayed still… they would… eventually stop. That's what they always did.
Naruto prepared himself for another blow.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hinata ran through the streets of Konoha village. Where was Naruto? He had to be somewhere in this village. Where would she be if she was Naruto? But she didn't have to ask that… she knew where he was… she knew what he was doing that made her run faster.
Arriving at the practice field where they all became ninja's she stopped in error. Her heart raced as she saw Naruto pinned to one of the three tree stumps. Two ninja's stood there beating him as hard as they could possible.
Sasuke rushed passed her racing toward the two ninja's that attacked the defenseless Naruto. With sheer anger Sasuke kicked one of the ninja's into the hard stump killing him instantly. With outrage he turned to the second one, who shook with fear.
Naruto backed away, obviously injured. Hinata took a few steps toward him… but stopped.
The ninja glanced at his now dead friend and growled as he turned back towards Sasuke, "He was defenseless, you're not supposed to do that!" He screamed ready to attack.
"You attacked Naruto while defenseless didn't you," Sasuke said calmly as he approached the ninja, "So why should I give you or him a chance?" Sasuke pulled out a kunai and got ready to attack.
Before the ninja could even react Sasuke had already but the kunai through his throat. He picked the ninja up and threw him at the other ninja's and with rage he continued to drag the kunai across the dead ninja.
Naruto backed off in fear as he saw what the boy was doing. Sasuke turned toward the injured Naruto and approached him.
Naruto screamed backing off.
"Naruto?" Sasuke questioned.
Naruto fell backwards but continued move backwards has fast as possible. He was scared… scared that Sasuke would do the same to him as he did to those other two ninja's. His breathing become deep, rough breaths (which was not good due to his injuries), and he began to cough and wheeze at the same time. His heart beat tremendously fast… too fast.
But what could he do? He didn't want that… Sasuke… to hurt him; his breathing sounded painful and he was slowly losing consciousness.
Sasuke came closer.
Naruto's breathing became rougher…
"Stop Sasuke," Hinata called.
The boy backed into her arms. For the first time she hugged him… ignoring the blood. She took her opportunity… maybe it would… calm him down. "Come on Naruto," she said still holding him in her arms, "Calm down…" She said hugging him as tightly as possible.
He turned to see who had him.
"Hi- Hinata" Were his lasts words before he drifted into unconscious… She slowly got up and carried him to the hospital.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hinata watched happily as she saw Naruto. He woke up moments before. But that wasn't what she was happy about. Naruto… said her name, this was a great sign! Even though it was small… it was improvement. It was improvement…
Hinata left the hospital with new confidence that day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Iruka entered into Naruto's room, in his hands and bowl of ramen. The doctor said that the boy wasn't eating… at all. Iruka decided to make it his every attempt to make him eat.
"Naruto," He said softly, "I brought you ramen."
No response.
He just sat there… peering out the window with a dull expression… back… deep into his thoughts. What he was thinking Iruka didn't know. But… he knew he was in serious pain. Not only from the wounds! A far greater pain… one that… maybe… could not heal.
He sighed, "Naruto come on, just one bite," he pleaded.
Nothing.
He just… nothing… did nothing! What kind of memory was he in!? Why did he have to collapse into this? Trying to commit suicide!? What happened to him? Naruto… lost it…
No…
Naruto never did have it.
All his life he lived in nothing but solitude. Nothing but pains and hurts, what good could he think? Worse off… only… a few cared; Iruka knew well that the town's people hated him. No… not for what he was… but for… what they thought he was.
it was sad… painful… and sad. A boy that was robbed from al his joy… a boy… who never had any joy. Did he have a choice but to commit suicide? What could a boy who knew no joy live? It made perfect sense why Naruto tried that vile act. That was why… he cut himself… because… he wanted acceptance.
But… didn't Iruka acknowledge Naruto? Doesn't that count as acceptance?
Tears began to roll down Iruka's eyes. Was what he gave Naruto not enough? Or… maybe… Naruto needed more.
Iruka left the ramen on the table exited the room. What could he do?
Naruto turned toward the ramen. Hurt he was. In pain? No doubt. But… he felt *better* today. He felt away from his thoughts… not as great as the feeling he got from seeing his blood… but nonetheless and small feeling.
He picked up the ramen.
-End Chapter 5-
SSSSSSSSOOOOORRRRRRRRRYYYYY For the oh so long wait of this chapter took so long. I just want to say thanks for your reviews, and remember! Check for the next chapter soon. I think I really liked this chapter. Anyway, remember R&R! Tell me all your thoughts, the good, the bad, the emotional, whatever! I want to hear them.
Till next time!