Title: As I Watch Your Wretchedness
Author:
Pairing: Cielo/Tom
Rating: R for masochism, blood, and angst.
Disclaimer: The Learning To Fly universe doesn't belong to me; rather, it belongs to Pearl Fatima. Worship her greatness. The first paragraph (the section before the three asterisks) is a direct quote from Spring Swing. I own a copy of that book, and intend no copyright infringement.
Summary: Cielo muses over Tom and bleeds in the baths.
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The Bors Compound, 543 ADB - the night before Tom is Knighted

"I lost my drink," he said softly. "I suspect Aiken has it."

"Aiken?" She asked, smiling.

"My traditional rival. Tonight, we hit it off great. By tomorrow night, we'll hate each other's guts."

"How sad…" She whispered, her finger reaching up into his head-fur, tugging lightly. "You know, I lost my drink too."

"Did you?"

"Yeah," she said, smiling wider. She was the only Mirar here, aside from her mother, who smiled the way humans did. It was lonely, sometimes. She tugged on his head-fur a little harder, bending his head (such a grown-up looking head, she mused) down closer to hers. He was taller than she, but only enough to be noticed. They had the genetic alterations to thank for that.

He smiled back, tangling his hand into her own head-fur.

She stood up a little higher, stretching her legs and toes to meet his descending head halfway. Their lips brushed, and soon locked together.

The kiss was over within six seconds, but those were such sweet, sweet six seconds. She'd remember them for the rest of her life. And even as she pulled the memory into herself to treasure… She knew. He wouldn't. He wouldn't remember. They'd make him forget.

And that hurt. It hurt as much as being with him felt good.

"Well, Cielo? Are you sure you're ready?" Cieli asked. She had a concerned look on her face, and Cielo fought to keep her expression completely blank.

"I'm ready," Cielo replied, taking a deep breath. She watched her mother shut her eyes, for only a second.

"I never thought this day would come," her mother whispered, brushing her lips and fangs lightly along Cielo's forehead. With that, her mother opened the door and pushed Cielo through.

Tom stood up as soon as she entered, but something was wrong with him. He seemed completely different from the Tom she'd known her entire life. His eyes were blank, in a strange, strange way. His expression was empty, as though he were just a doll staring off into the distance. K'val stood behind him, his eyes closed, his brows furrowed in pain.

"Did… did something go wrong?" She asked.

"No, everything's fine," K'val replied (or she thought that was what he said). "It's just… There is one more thing you need to do, and neither one of you is going to like it."

"What thing?"

K'val's hand raised, revealing a thick circle of metal. "You need to put this on him."

"That looks suspiciously like a collar."

"I… I know. He needs to wear it for three hours, and then we'll take it off."

"Then what will you do with it?" There had to be a catch. Three hours was bad, but… they had to have something worse up their sleeves. The Scots usually did.

"There is no need for you to know that. Come here, just get it on him. The sooner you start, the sooner those three hours end."

Silently, she stepped forward. She had to force herself to take the steps towards that thing. When she reached K'val, she took the collar from his extended hand.

The collar closed around Tom's throat with a click, and Tom didn't say a word. He only cocked his head and looked at her with a confused look on her face.

"I'm sorry…" Cielo told him, running a finger along his Knight's Braid, the thin braid that hung in the right half of his hair.

"Don't be," he said, his voice oddly blank. "It's nothing, really."

Cielo's gaze turned to K'val, who was watching with absolutely no expression. There was no horror in his eyes. There was nothing to hint that he found the sight of his own son in a collar as distasteful as she did.

Everything positive she'd ever felt for K'val leaked out of her then, as she realized that he didn't care. He'd offered up his son to a sick tradition, and then proffered the collar that robbed his son of his dignity. In that moment, Cielo began to truly hate K'val.

"You don't… you don't care, do you? I just collared your son, and you don't feel even a hint of disquiet, let alone the horror you should feel!"

"It's for his own good, in the end," K'val replied, turning away. "It was for mine."

"Yeah, well Tom isn't you! We all know that! You two are practically nothing alike!"

"Believe me, I know that well."

"Then why don't you care? Your son is in a collar!" Tears stung her eyes.

"I already told you. I was collared and it proved to my benefit. It has proved to the benefit of every Bors man since the founding of the tradition. Why should it not prove to his?"

" I was collared and it proved to my benefit…" she spat. "Who drilled that into your head? Syl?"

He bared his fangs and hissed. "You have no idea," he snarled. "You have no fucking idea what you're talking about. Syl didn't collar me. She never needed to!"

"Because my mother did it for her!" Cielo screamed. "Syl never needed to collar you because my mother had already done it!"

"DON'T talk about your mother like that!"

"You're still her Knight, aren't you?" She cried. "You're still her Knight, after twenty years of freedom!"

"Old habits are hard to break."

"It's not a habit… it's your life. It's who you are, isn't it?" The tears stopped welling and start to spill. "You've just killed your own son! He's never coming back!" And I helped.

"No, he isn't. He's not dead. He's right in front of your eyes."

"No, Tom is dead. That," she pointed, "isn't Tom. Tom would have said something when I tried to put the collar on him. Tom would… Tom wouldn't look like that! He isn't Tom! He isn't Tom anymore!" He isn't the boy I kissed last night. He isn't the boy who let me braid his hair, who pulled my head-fur out when we were babies. He isn't the boy I accidentally locked in the freezer. He isn't the boy I fell in love with…

"Think what you like." K'val said at last as he strode past her to exit the room. "We're locking you in together."

She turned to face the door just as it closed, and the sound of the bolt sliding into place seemed as final as nailing the lid of a coffin down.

Four hours later

Cielo sat shivering in the frigidarium, the coldest pool of water in the Roman-style baths. The baths had been added about seven hundred years earlier, to increase the comfort of the Mirars staying in the Compound. To make the girls who would rob men of their dignity less homesick.

She gazed down at the object in her hand- one of Syl's fans. She'd borrowed it before the ceremony… she couldn't remember why. She slid the fan open and stared into it.

"I told him I loved him," she said to the strange, misty reflection in the fan. "I… I need to bleed."

The fan grazed the skin of her arm, drawing tiny drops of blood. It felt good. It felt right.

"Cielo?" Her mother's voice called. "Cielo, what's wrong?"

She swiftly hid the fan under her robe, but said nothing.

Her mother walked into view, that horrible, concerned look on her face again.

She didn't deserve her mother's concern.

"Cielo, you worry me. You've been in the tepidarium for an hour- surely you're freezing!" Her mother walked over, lightly brushed her claws on Cielo's forehead- the action of a concerned mother.

Cielo pulled away. "I thought I was an adult now."

"That doesn't mean I can't worry about you."

"Your concern is touching, but I'm afraid it's misplaced." Cielo forced the harsh words out of her mouth. Her mother didn't deserve them… and yet, at the same time, she did. Her mother had contributed to the twisting of K'val, who had then turned around and offered his son up to be twisted.

And she herself had participated.

"Daughter? Daughter, you're cold to the touch. Come with me to the warm pool. Immediately."

"I'm an adult. I can take care of myself. And if I fail, I have the Knight I never wanted to take care of me." The words were bitter, and Cielo savored it.

"I'm your mother. You still live under my roof. Come with me, now- wait, you smell like blood!"

"I'm fine," Cielo hissed through her chattering teeth. "Just go away."

"Don't speak to me like that!"

"You're treating me like a child! All I want right now is to be left alone! I don't want to be warm, I don't want to be fussed over, and I don't want to talk to any other Mirars!"

"Very well," her mother said stiffly, "I'll let you be then."

It was only after her mother had left that she noticed she'd lost the fan. Cieli had probably taken it, spoiling her plans for further punishment.

That was okay- she wasn't very good at punishing herself, anyway. Maybe… Maybe when they got home, Syl would do it.

Syl understood the bloodguilt she felt.