*** Sorry its taken me so long to update guys. you know how it is. ( Thanks
for your patience.
Tuesday, April 15:
I can't believe it's been more than two weeks since I've written here! I guess I've been really busy at school, you know how it is- everything just snowballs at the end of the semester. I have two presentations to do next week, and I really haven't started on either of them. Plus I'm planning to go back to Stoneybrook the week of May 1st because one of the girls who works in Mom's store (well she's not really a girl, she's 22) is getting married and Mom and I were invited. It should be fun, I love weddings! And I know Katie pretty well because I worked with her in the store last summer.
Sam and I still aren't talking. I've seen him on campus several times, but he never really looks at me, or if he does, he just gives me a sort of half-smile. He looks really sad when he does it. I really, really miss him and I know that I made an ass of myself but assuming he wanted to get back together, but it wasn't totally my fault. Anyway, I guess I've just decided to lave the situation alone for now. Claudia agrees with me on that, even though Kristy said she'd kick Sam's ass for me- LOL.
On the homefront, now that the news of the baby is out Dad and Samantha are sooo excited about it. Samantha can't wait to start shopping for baby clothes and stuff, even though she does have things left over from Rachael. Sam's hoping for a boy, so she wants to stock up on lots of stuff for little boys, just in case. She's not showing yet, she's only four months, but I can already see that she has a special glow about her. The same happy glow she had when she was pregnant with Rachael. The only difference is that I was in Stoneybrook for most of Sam's first pregnancy, so I'm really glad I can be here to share this one with her and Dad. Just think, when I start the next semester in September the baby should be here!
Alas, I have to stop dreaming about that and concentrate on THIS semester so that I don't flunk out of NYU. I will promise to update more often, just as soon as some of these papers get written.
Friday, April 18th:
I'm so happy- I saw Sam on campus today and hey actually waved and called "Hey" to me. I know, its not anything, but I miss Sam, even just being his friend and any step towards being friends with him again is a good one. Claudia says that I should move on and just try and set my sights on some other guys (and there are plenty of hot ones to go for at NYU) but I don't really feel ready to do that yet. Even if I had time to start dating, I think I'm content to be single for awhile. No rush. :) So I actually feel pretty peaceful.
Sunday, April 20th:
1:21pm:
Who am I kidding? I'm still in love Sam. I miss everything about him- his smile, seeing him running towards me across campus, his kisses. I'm miserable without him. I don't want to date another guy. I want to be back with Sam. I deserve him, not those sluts he was hanging out with. I've been in love with him since seventh grade, and I can't imagine being with any other guy for the rest of my life. I want to be Mrs. Anastasia Elizabeth Thomas. I want to have kids with him, I... oh my God- I've lost it. I've gone around the bend. I have to call Claudia. It's a weekend, so I can call her because the rates are cheaper. I just hope she's in her room, if she's out with Bret I think I'll scream so loud that I'll wake Rachael, and that would be bad cuz I just got her to sleep.
1:28pm:
She wasn't in her room. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
5:32pm:
Okay. I finally got to talk to Claud. I'm so glad to have her as my best friend, I don't know what I'd do without her. Claudia can be so levelheaded in a crisis (or what I call a crisis, anyway). When I told her how I felt about Sam she said, "I know Stace. I could tell." She has better insight into my emotions than I do. We had a long talk (and I mean long, like two hours- yikes on the phone bill even if it IS the weekend), and we decided that I need to talk to Sam. I need closure. Even if it is just me confessing my feelings and finding out he wants nothing to do with me, I need to know that so I can properly grieve and move on. If he does have feeling for me too, then well- we can go from there. But Claudia said to prepare myself for the worst. She said that I should call her as soon I talk to him, so we can either cry or scream with joy. She gave me her new cell number, so that way if she isn't in her room, I can still reach her. Unless she's in the shower. Then I have to wait. So I guess now I have to psych myself up to call Sam. Oh God, how I am going to do that. Why do I always find myself in these awkward situations where I have to call guys and say something earth shattering to them. Why isn't it ever the other way around? I went through this with Robert and Ethan too. Maybe I just need to sleep off my anxiety before I think about it. I'll wait until tomorrow.
Monday, April 21st:
Okay, I called Sam this afternoon. He was surprised to hear from me, but he sounded friendly. He asked how my trip to Stoneybrook was, and we made small talk for a few minutes, and then I asked him if he wanted to do coffee. He said sure, so we made plans to meet after my last class on Wednesday at the little coffee place by Sam's apartment. Now that's it settled, I'm feeling a less nervous. It will be totally casual, and I'll just work my feelings into the conversation- no biggie. Now, what do I wear?
Wednesday, April 23rd:
8:34am:
WHO WAS I KIDDING?!? I'M A WRECK!!!!
10:11am:
On the subway. Okay, I am calm. If I keep telling myself that, maybe I'll believe it. I don't know how the hell I am supposed to concentrate through my classes though. I keep wondering if I chose the right outfit. I IMed Claud this morning, and she gave her seal of approval, but I still don't know. I'm wearing black stretch pants, a gauzy blue short sleeved top, my leather jacket and black leather boots. I feel slightly over dressed for just coffee. But I must stop analyzing it. CALM. I AM CALM.
9:52pm:
Sigh. It's all over. I survived. Will write more tomorrow. So tired. Must get sleep.
Thursday, April 24th:
Okay, the talk with Sam. It went well. Better than I expected. It took me awhile to get into things, by the time I did I was already on my second cup of coffee. But I had to bite the bullet and do it. So I started with, "Sam, I know things haven't been easy for us, with the break up and all. But I really need to know where we stand, in terms of our friendship. We've both been kind of distant lately, but I really want to be your friend. I guess, in a way, I still have feelings for you, and it hurts me to see you going out with other people, because I can tell they aren't right for you". After I said that my palms were sweating and my heart was pounding. I couldn't quite gauge this reaction from his face. He took a deep breath. Then he said something that surprised me. "I still have feelings for you too, Stacey. Deep ones." Wow. He went on to explain that he didn't know where to go, our relationship had some problems and we needed to take a break. But he missed more than ever, so he started dating other girls (those sluts- IMO) to try and fill the hole I had left in his life (AWWW). He wanted to get back with me, but he though we should take things slow. We agreed to try and catch a movie this weekend. So things aren't exactly the same as they were before, but it's a start. He offered to take the train back to my apartment with me, and he walked me to the door. Before he left, we kissed. Not a huge kiss, just a little one on the lips, but I still felt that spark that I used to. I have a feeling everything will work out.
Saturday, April 26th:
Oh Jesus. As if I needed any more drama in my life right now, I just got a call from Laine. She's pregnant. Due around the same time as Sam. And she's not sure who the father is. Holy shit.
Tuesday, April 15:
I can't believe it's been more than two weeks since I've written here! I guess I've been really busy at school, you know how it is- everything just snowballs at the end of the semester. I have two presentations to do next week, and I really haven't started on either of them. Plus I'm planning to go back to Stoneybrook the week of May 1st because one of the girls who works in Mom's store (well she's not really a girl, she's 22) is getting married and Mom and I were invited. It should be fun, I love weddings! And I know Katie pretty well because I worked with her in the store last summer.
Sam and I still aren't talking. I've seen him on campus several times, but he never really looks at me, or if he does, he just gives me a sort of half-smile. He looks really sad when he does it. I really, really miss him and I know that I made an ass of myself but assuming he wanted to get back together, but it wasn't totally my fault. Anyway, I guess I've just decided to lave the situation alone for now. Claudia agrees with me on that, even though Kristy said she'd kick Sam's ass for me- LOL.
On the homefront, now that the news of the baby is out Dad and Samantha are sooo excited about it. Samantha can't wait to start shopping for baby clothes and stuff, even though she does have things left over from Rachael. Sam's hoping for a boy, so she wants to stock up on lots of stuff for little boys, just in case. She's not showing yet, she's only four months, but I can already see that she has a special glow about her. The same happy glow she had when she was pregnant with Rachael. The only difference is that I was in Stoneybrook for most of Sam's first pregnancy, so I'm really glad I can be here to share this one with her and Dad. Just think, when I start the next semester in September the baby should be here!
Alas, I have to stop dreaming about that and concentrate on THIS semester so that I don't flunk out of NYU. I will promise to update more often, just as soon as some of these papers get written.
Friday, April 18th:
I'm so happy- I saw Sam on campus today and hey actually waved and called "Hey" to me. I know, its not anything, but I miss Sam, even just being his friend and any step towards being friends with him again is a good one. Claudia says that I should move on and just try and set my sights on some other guys (and there are plenty of hot ones to go for at NYU) but I don't really feel ready to do that yet. Even if I had time to start dating, I think I'm content to be single for awhile. No rush. :) So I actually feel pretty peaceful.
Sunday, April 20th:
1:21pm:
Who am I kidding? I'm still in love Sam. I miss everything about him- his smile, seeing him running towards me across campus, his kisses. I'm miserable without him. I don't want to date another guy. I want to be back with Sam. I deserve him, not those sluts he was hanging out with. I've been in love with him since seventh grade, and I can't imagine being with any other guy for the rest of my life. I want to be Mrs. Anastasia Elizabeth Thomas. I want to have kids with him, I... oh my God- I've lost it. I've gone around the bend. I have to call Claudia. It's a weekend, so I can call her because the rates are cheaper. I just hope she's in her room, if she's out with Bret I think I'll scream so loud that I'll wake Rachael, and that would be bad cuz I just got her to sleep.
1:28pm:
She wasn't in her room. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
5:32pm:
Okay. I finally got to talk to Claud. I'm so glad to have her as my best friend, I don't know what I'd do without her. Claudia can be so levelheaded in a crisis (or what I call a crisis, anyway). When I told her how I felt about Sam she said, "I know Stace. I could tell." She has better insight into my emotions than I do. We had a long talk (and I mean long, like two hours- yikes on the phone bill even if it IS the weekend), and we decided that I need to talk to Sam. I need closure. Even if it is just me confessing my feelings and finding out he wants nothing to do with me, I need to know that so I can properly grieve and move on. If he does have feeling for me too, then well- we can go from there. But Claudia said to prepare myself for the worst. She said that I should call her as soon I talk to him, so we can either cry or scream with joy. She gave me her new cell number, so that way if she isn't in her room, I can still reach her. Unless she's in the shower. Then I have to wait. So I guess now I have to psych myself up to call Sam. Oh God, how I am going to do that. Why do I always find myself in these awkward situations where I have to call guys and say something earth shattering to them. Why isn't it ever the other way around? I went through this with Robert and Ethan too. Maybe I just need to sleep off my anxiety before I think about it. I'll wait until tomorrow.
Monday, April 21st:
Okay, I called Sam this afternoon. He was surprised to hear from me, but he sounded friendly. He asked how my trip to Stoneybrook was, and we made small talk for a few minutes, and then I asked him if he wanted to do coffee. He said sure, so we made plans to meet after my last class on Wednesday at the little coffee place by Sam's apartment. Now that's it settled, I'm feeling a less nervous. It will be totally casual, and I'll just work my feelings into the conversation- no biggie. Now, what do I wear?
Wednesday, April 23rd:
8:34am:
WHO WAS I KIDDING?!? I'M A WRECK!!!!
10:11am:
On the subway. Okay, I am calm. If I keep telling myself that, maybe I'll believe it. I don't know how the hell I am supposed to concentrate through my classes though. I keep wondering if I chose the right outfit. I IMed Claud this morning, and she gave her seal of approval, but I still don't know. I'm wearing black stretch pants, a gauzy blue short sleeved top, my leather jacket and black leather boots. I feel slightly over dressed for just coffee. But I must stop analyzing it. CALM. I AM CALM.
9:52pm:
Sigh. It's all over. I survived. Will write more tomorrow. So tired. Must get sleep.
Thursday, April 24th:
Okay, the talk with Sam. It went well. Better than I expected. It took me awhile to get into things, by the time I did I was already on my second cup of coffee. But I had to bite the bullet and do it. So I started with, "Sam, I know things haven't been easy for us, with the break up and all. But I really need to know where we stand, in terms of our friendship. We've both been kind of distant lately, but I really want to be your friend. I guess, in a way, I still have feelings for you, and it hurts me to see you going out with other people, because I can tell they aren't right for you". After I said that my palms were sweating and my heart was pounding. I couldn't quite gauge this reaction from his face. He took a deep breath. Then he said something that surprised me. "I still have feelings for you too, Stacey. Deep ones." Wow. He went on to explain that he didn't know where to go, our relationship had some problems and we needed to take a break. But he missed more than ever, so he started dating other girls (those sluts- IMO) to try and fill the hole I had left in his life (AWWW). He wanted to get back with me, but he though we should take things slow. We agreed to try and catch a movie this weekend. So things aren't exactly the same as they were before, but it's a start. He offered to take the train back to my apartment with me, and he walked me to the door. Before he left, we kissed. Not a huge kiss, just a little one on the lips, but I still felt that spark that I used to. I have a feeling everything will work out.
Saturday, April 26th:
Oh Jesus. As if I needed any more drama in my life right now, I just got a call from Laine. She's pregnant. Due around the same time as Sam. And she's not sure who the father is. Holy shit.