Chapter 5: The Brainiac Gene
Harry easily settled into the routine of Slytherin House within a few weeks. Millicent taught him to knit, and he and Bonfoy started up the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to English and the Anti-American Dialect League. Other parts of his life improved, as well; Trelawney was forced to seek psychiatric help, and Harry and Snape's group therapy went surprisingly well. Each was able to talk out his cold pricklies and replace them with warm fuzzies, which drastically improved their father-son relationship. Trelawney's therapy seemed to be doing something—whether good or bad was anyone's guess—because now every time she saw either of the Snapes, she burst into tears.
Slytherin played Hufflepuff at quidditch and ran them into the ground, and the next time Harry saw Derek Abelmore, the Hufflepuff captain was scrubbing the boys' bathroom with a toothbrush.
It was all going so well that Harry ought to have known that the writer was planning to put a snag in things by tossing in a plot complication.
The Society for Prevention of Cruelty to English was having its first budget meeting when alarms sounded throughout the school. Bonfoy stopped short in the middle of his proposal for exportation of the letter u and went deathly pale.
"Death Eaters," he said.
Crabbe was on his feet instantly. "I'll load the ion cannon!"
"Are you crazy?" Millicent cried anxiously. "You and Goyle are still working out the bugs in it—you told me it was your prototype!"
"If the school's going down, we're taking the buggers with us!" Crabbe roared. "C'mon, Goyle. Death and glory!"
"Death and glory!" echoed Goyle, and the two of them charged off waving their fists in the air.
"Right." Bonfoy looked quickly around. "Millicent, Pansy, get the bandages and medicine ready. There's sure to be wounded. Anderkoil, take a head count. Be sure everyone's accounted for. Everyone else, back to your rooms. It'll make Anderkoil's job easier. Let's move, people!"
Organized chaos broke out as everyone did as they were told. Harry was most of the way across the common room when Snape entered. "Harry!" he called.
Harry turned. "Yeah, Dad?"
"Come with me."
He frowned in confusion, but if there was one thing counseling had taught him, it was that he could trust his father. Without question, therefore, he followed Snape out of the common room.
"There's something I haven't told you yet," Snape whispered urgently as they hurried down the corridor. "You inherited something from your mother—something that can help—"
"Well, well, well," a high voice interrupted. "If it isn't Severus Snape and his darling son Herman."
"Harry," Snape corrected through his teeth.
"Whatever." Out of the shadows stepped a well-remembered form. "Remember me, Harry?" Voldemort asked.
"The writer just said I did, you prat," Harry replied, trying not to panic.
"Don't be afraid to panic," Snape advised.
"I don't remember giving you permission to speak," Voldemort hissed, then raised his wand. "Stupefy!"
Snape dropped, stunned.
"Dad!" Harry called, but of course Snape didn't reply.
Voldemort smiled coldly. "And now Harry Snape," he said, turning his wand on Harry, "you will die."
"Expelliarmus!" Harry shouted, then suddenly realized that he was still talking even as he caught Voldemort's wand. The Dark Lord was staring at him, but Harry could neither stop talking nor quite understand whence came the words pouring out of his mouth. He understood it perfectly—it was directly out of one of Goyle's books:
"…Since a molecule that has a rotational spectrum also has an electric dipole moment, an electric field will cause an interaction. Known as the Stark effect, the application of the field causes the 2J1 degenerate rotational energy levels to be split into 2J1 lines…"
Voldemort did not appear to understand it as well as Harry did, though; in fact, he looked a touch green. Sensing that his words had something to do with it, Harry kept going and even raised his voice in volume:
"…and multiplet structure is observed for all lines with J greater than 0. This allows J values to be assigned to particular observed spectral lines…"
Voldemort fell back against the wall. "Please," he begged. "Stop! My ears are burning!"
Indeed, there was smoke pouring from the Dark Lord's ears. Harry felt his eyes widen, and he tripled his volume and sped up his words:
"…since the lowest frequency line observed need not be the one for J=0. Since the number of Stark components depends on J, unambiguous assignments can be made…"
He kept going until he came to the end of the Stark effect, then he moved on to Schrödinger's wave equation.
Harry was halted halfway through this recitation by a loud, messy explosion. When the smoke cleared, Voldemort's body, minus the head and shoulders, lay on the floor, and the rest of him was splattered everywhere else.
Harry stooped over the body and checked for a pulse, but there was none.
"He's dead, Dad!" he shouted. "Voldemort's dead!"
Snape made no reply, and Harry remembered abruptly that his father was unconscious. He hastily revived Snape, and the Potions master sat up in the midst of the mess.
"You did it, Harry!" he said with a grin. "You did it!"
"I started rattling off quantum mechanics," Harry explained excitedly. "I don't know how—"
"It was the Brainiac Gene kicking in," Snape told him. "Your mother had it, too. Anytime she panicked, she started spouting the most complicated things stored in her brain until she calmed down again. If you didn't fall asleep or clap your hands over your ears fast enough, it overwhelmed you until your head exploded." He leaned in confidingly. "We went through three clergymen at our wedding before we figured that one out."
Harry grinned. "So Voldemort's really gone, then?"
"He most certainly is," Snape answered. "I feel like celebrating. Do you?"
Harry nodded.
"Good. We'll get cleaned up, and I'll take you to Fortescue's."
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Many thanks to my writing collaborator Snarky Sneak for the use of her P-Chem book for the Brainiac Gene spew in this chapter and for the proper spelling of Schrödinger.