DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Practice makes Perfect
Often one could muse that the odd irregularities of life can sometimes lead to a perfect conclusion. Today would prove no exclusion to this random thought.
On leaving his chambers, Severus Snape made his way to breakfast in the Great Hall. This was not, in and of itself, unusual.
Severus took his same seat at the Head Table, defied anyone to draw him into a conversation with a characteristic sneer and proceeded to demolish a full cooked breakfast.
Of course he did not count on receiving mail; an odd occurrence at the best of times. Nor did it improve his temper to be hit in the back of the head by a volume of unknown origin.
That it was addressed to him, wrapped firmly in brown paper and string, just added to the aggravation factor. He had neither requested, nor ordered anything recently, so the 'bloody bird' obviously had some personal vendetta to fulfil.
Now Severus was not normally what one might term a curious man. Snarky, sinister, horrible and bigoted were all familiar caveats applied by the student body, mostly out of earshot, but sometimes he got lucky and caught the little bastards mid sentence.
Severus was curious about this mysterious package and having gained a headache and lost his appetite, thought that he may as well find out what lay within the projectile.
Hastening from his seat and grateful it was a Saturday, Severus moved swiftly to his chambers.
Seating himself in his favourite armchair, he reached for his wand and untied the package.
'Holy Shit! This has to be some sort of macabre joke', he thought to himself.
The volume had revealed its nature and Severus was left with an uncomfortable feeling. Actually, it wasn't uncomfortable...more arousing. 'Yes that's the word I'm looking for', he was thinking...well he wasn't really thinking about much of anything other than the action displayed under the garish title of the book.
Sex for Clueless Wizards in an astonishingly bright magenta hue greeted his headache, tangoed with his arousal and left him feeling confused.
'Who on earth would send something like this to me?' For all his musings and the declaration that all in all, he was an intelligent man, opening the cover to view the frontispiece meant he had to drag his eyes away from the action on the cover.
'I'm jealous of a bloody gimmick', he thought to himself.
He turned the book over to have a look at the blurb on the back cover and nearly dropped the volume in fright. An earthy moan had started as soon as his hand moved across the copulating caricatures on the front cover.
Unsure of his next move, Severus thought he might just open the cover of the book and see if...umm...err...well - if there was a message for him. The thought that the moaning might start again was a side issue; a pleasurable side issue, but he might just be able to achieve some sense of nirvana...if only for a moments indulgence.
He audibly gagged when upon opening the front cover, a rather familiar voice said...
"Hello, Severus. I can call you Severus, can't I? So I suppose you're wondering why the Know-It-All suddenly got into the writing business. Well, it's a long story, one I hope to be able to deliver personally to you...soon. Suffice to say, I needed to find a way to pay for my university education and as we all know - Sex Sells. Actually it sells really well and I shall be with you shortly to show you just how well I took my lessons to heart."
AUTHOR NOTE: Originally written as a 30 Minute Challenge fic, but I did continue this one...though not at FF.Net. Somehow even I knew that there was only a certain limit to how loosely one could stretch an R rating. :)