Author notes: This is my first fan fic. So if it doesn't make sense I'm sorry. Please read and review so I'll know if I'm doing anything right or wrong. The only reason I wrote this is because as I was playing the game for the millionth time, (it seems); I felt what I thought Squall might be feeling like. Disclaimer notice: I don't own the game or any of the characters. Squaresoft/Enix (whatever) does.

With the help from my oh so great reviewers: MadHattess, Winterheart, and SquallsGIRL I've sorted out the grammer errors. Yayness! I'd also like to thank Emily for emailing me and telling me how to repost and Despondent Dreamer and Sweetcanadianangel for reviewing too. Thanks all. XD

Why do people try to understand me?

How can you hope to understand me when I don't understand myself?

Quistis I hurt you all the time as you tried to help me. I pushed away your attempts. You think you know me and perhaps you do.

But then I think.

"Squall, you think to much, it's not good for you." Irvine and the gang tell me all the time.

Self doubting and loathing that's what I feel. You try so hard to figure me out, help me.

Zell gives me his huge happy grin, "We're here if ya ever need to talk man."

I hate myself for not feeling. I try to care really I do, but even when I think that I'm truly feeling something... Like love, compassion and understanding.......

Standing with my arms around her, breathing in her sweet familiar scent, "I love you Rinoa."

Am I just feeling this because it's expected of me? Or because I need to, want to? Do I really feel love?

"Squally you have a great smile you should use it more often!" Selphie tells me, happily bouncing around like the ray of joy she is.

But the minute you turn your backs, or the joke is over my smile is gone replaced by my feeling of ill content. I don't deserve great friends like you.....

"Squall as your elder," Quistis states to me, posing dramatically with her best instructor face, "I here by forbid you from frowning and from going into Squall land." Her statement causes everyone in the room to laugh and giggle as their want, at her antics. I of course smile, feeling happy in that moment even if I am at the butt of this particular joke. But the feeling never lasts.

I'll try harder. I know that I feel and have emotions. They have to be real. Don't they?

If not for me I'll do it for you. I'll be real. I have to be, otherwise who am I? I send out my plea into the night, wishing on a shooting star, "Please help me to understand. Let this be real, I want to be worthy, of my friends, my life and my love."

As I watch the burning star disappear from my sight a strange feeling bubbles up in the back of my confused mind. After a few moments of self wonder and bemused smile graces my face. "Thanks," I whisper to the wind