Harry Potter and the Clean but Unfolded Laundry
Authors Note: To fully understand the story, there are a few things you need to know. Much of the humor in this story is family related, mostly references to my Aunt who hates me because she is all "The Lord against Harry Potter!" Harry Potter and the Bible is an actual book, along with other equally ludicrous books of that subject. (I am also especially spiteful towards my aunt because she is against homosexuals, and one of my best friends is gay.) The original first chapters were typed on a typewriter that was out of correcting ribbon. It got to the point that large sections of the story were made from me trying to be slick about correcting typos.
~*~
Chapter one, Part one: Getting Harry out of the way
Harry Potter sat at his desk reading the book Harry Potter and the Bible for the first time since he had received it. His Aunt Jackie, whom he has never met before the visit, came in from the states, she brought it to him as a present. He had just assumed that it was a polite gesture; a personalized Bible. He couldn't have even guessed how wrong he was. It had turned out that thousands of people across the world had immensely boring lives; they depended on hating him as a form of recreation. Not only that, but they had written a large amount of books about it, as well.
"Interesting" Harry said to himself, thinking back to his reaction to the gift. His aunt had scowled as he thanked her, explaining that it was on the gay/straight alliance's list of recommended reading list. It was a while before his mistake dawned on him; it had really been on the list of books to burn and dance on the ashes of.
Harry closed the book, and set it aside. He then got out what remaining homework he had and began to read over the confusing topic again. It was a very strange topic, indeed, assigned by his least favourite professor, Snape. The topic had been to explain the mysterious powers of Spam, and to describe its effect on every day life. It had been the most confusing topic he had ever come across, so he saved it for last.
I guess I should explain to you that Harry Potter is not your average teenage boy who cries in the dark. Oh no, Mr. Potter is much to cool for that! He is a wizard teenage boy who cries in the dark. Now, now, before you run off to a book burning moron-fest, I should note that this is fictional! If you have any remarks about how God feels about Harry, let me clue you in. Nobody cares, and you need to be shot in the face!
Moving on.
As Harry began to write about his extremely odd topic, he heard his other insane aunt call him from the laundry room.
"Harry! Come tend to this clean, but unfolded laundry!" she screeched in her most unpleasant manner.
"Yes Aunt Petunia." Harry sighed, as he stood up and began to trudge into the hallway and down the stairs to the laundry room. Thousands of miles away, a boy named Ron Weasley dropped his toast butter side up.
Chapter one, Part two: On with the story!
Ron Weasly clutched his calf. The scar on it had suddenly burned as though a hot wire had been pressed to it. He looked down at the scar that perfectly depicted a pile of clean, but unfolded laundry. He knew that someone, somewhere, had been doomed to a laundry room.
His first instinct was to send an owl to Hermioone. But then he realized that there was no such person as "Hermioone", and then he thought to send an owl to Hermione. But then he realized she was studing the lack of differences between churches and cults this summer. But then he realized that you couldn't really say someone was "studing" something like that. So he finally came to the conclusion that he couldn't owl Hermione because she was off studying the differences, or lack thereof, in churches and cults.
Ron's scar had been earned by not replying to his mothers request to fold laundry three times in a row.
Why, you may be asking yourself in the privacy of your own home, do so few people know about Ron's mysterious scar? Because, it's just not as cool as a lighting shaped scar caused by surviving an un-survivable curse.
Ron secretly resented Harry. He had bee thrilled to go to Hogwarts and show off his scar and tell his story, but then Harry had shown up, and he obviously couldn't compete with that.
Hermione discovered the scar when.
Well.
This is a children's book, so SHE JUST KNOWS!
*cough*
Anyway, Ron picked up his toast and ate it, deciding it didn't matter, and neither did the 5 second rule.
~*~
~*~
~*~ I would like to dedicate this first chapter to my wondrous cousin Lauren, who helped me map out the later parts in this anecdote, and shares the same witty thoughts (mostly, anyhow) as I do when it comes to topics such as this.
Authors Note: To fully understand the story, there are a few things you need to know. Much of the humor in this story is family related, mostly references to my Aunt who hates me because she is all "The Lord against Harry Potter!" Harry Potter and the Bible is an actual book, along with other equally ludicrous books of that subject. (I am also especially spiteful towards my aunt because she is against homosexuals, and one of my best friends is gay.) The original first chapters were typed on a typewriter that was out of correcting ribbon. It got to the point that large sections of the story were made from me trying to be slick about correcting typos.
~*~
Chapter one, Part one: Getting Harry out of the way
Harry Potter sat at his desk reading the book Harry Potter and the Bible for the first time since he had received it. His Aunt Jackie, whom he has never met before the visit, came in from the states, she brought it to him as a present. He had just assumed that it was a polite gesture; a personalized Bible. He couldn't have even guessed how wrong he was. It had turned out that thousands of people across the world had immensely boring lives; they depended on hating him as a form of recreation. Not only that, but they had written a large amount of books about it, as well.
"Interesting" Harry said to himself, thinking back to his reaction to the gift. His aunt had scowled as he thanked her, explaining that it was on the gay/straight alliance's list of recommended reading list. It was a while before his mistake dawned on him; it had really been on the list of books to burn and dance on the ashes of.
Harry closed the book, and set it aside. He then got out what remaining homework he had and began to read over the confusing topic again. It was a very strange topic, indeed, assigned by his least favourite professor, Snape. The topic had been to explain the mysterious powers of Spam, and to describe its effect on every day life. It had been the most confusing topic he had ever come across, so he saved it for last.
I guess I should explain to you that Harry Potter is not your average teenage boy who cries in the dark. Oh no, Mr. Potter is much to cool for that! He is a wizard teenage boy who cries in the dark. Now, now, before you run off to a book burning moron-fest, I should note that this is fictional! If you have any remarks about how God feels about Harry, let me clue you in. Nobody cares, and you need to be shot in the face!
Moving on.
As Harry began to write about his extremely odd topic, he heard his other insane aunt call him from the laundry room.
"Harry! Come tend to this clean, but unfolded laundry!" she screeched in her most unpleasant manner.
"Yes Aunt Petunia." Harry sighed, as he stood up and began to trudge into the hallway and down the stairs to the laundry room. Thousands of miles away, a boy named Ron Weasley dropped his toast butter side up.
Chapter one, Part two: On with the story!
Ron Weasly clutched his calf. The scar on it had suddenly burned as though a hot wire had been pressed to it. He looked down at the scar that perfectly depicted a pile of clean, but unfolded laundry. He knew that someone, somewhere, had been doomed to a laundry room.
His first instinct was to send an owl to Hermioone. But then he realized that there was no such person as "Hermioone", and then he thought to send an owl to Hermione. But then he realized she was studing the lack of differences between churches and cults this summer. But then he realized that you couldn't really say someone was "studing" something like that. So he finally came to the conclusion that he couldn't owl Hermione because she was off studying the differences, or lack thereof, in churches and cults.
Ron's scar had been earned by not replying to his mothers request to fold laundry three times in a row.
Why, you may be asking yourself in the privacy of your own home, do so few people know about Ron's mysterious scar? Because, it's just not as cool as a lighting shaped scar caused by surviving an un-survivable curse.
Ron secretly resented Harry. He had bee thrilled to go to Hogwarts and show off his scar and tell his story, but then Harry had shown up, and he obviously couldn't compete with that.
Hermione discovered the scar when.
Well.
This is a children's book, so SHE JUST KNOWS!
*cough*
Anyway, Ron picked up his toast and ate it, deciding it didn't matter, and neither did the 5 second rule.
~*~
~*~
~*~ I would like to dedicate this first chapter to my wondrous cousin Lauren, who helped me map out the later parts in this anecdote, and shares the same witty thoughts (mostly, anyhow) as I do when it comes to topics such as this.