AUTHOR'S NOTE: once again I made my deadline! Yeay me.
There will be a slight hold up for a week or two – see my LJ for details.
Review responses at end.
On with chapter twenty-three.
Chapter 23: Chances AreChances are you'll find me
Somewhere on your road tonight
Seems I always end up driving by
Ever since I've known you
It just seems you're on my way
All the rules of logic don't apply
As I said, as far as the rest of my house are concerned the first time I met Harry Potter was on the Hogwarts Express in that most spectacular of failures, or successes, depending on your point of view. I offered him…friendship, I suppose you could call it, and he turned me down flat. It was most humiliating and very rude of him too.
But the ridiculous thing was that that wasn't even the first time. Not the first time I'd met him, not the first time I'd offered him what I took to be friendship. So in truth, the first time I met Harry Potter was in the robe shop in Diagon Alley. If I was being absolutely truthful I might have to concede that there was a possibility that I was…anxious (Malfoy's do not get nervous or scared) about starting school and adopted a manner similar to that my father uses around the Minister of Magic, which mother suggested was my first mistake. Anyway the boy was most unresponsive and I was not about to stand in silence so I ended up doing all the talking (again Malfoy's do not get scared so I was most definitely not babbling).
But this is of course rubbish for, as I have established, Malfoy's have no flaws and therefore I was not at all nervous when it came to befriending Harry Potter on the train. And when he rejected me I was merely furious, not hurt or offended or…completely crushed.
And when a Malfoy is furious everyone knows about it.
It took all of five seconds, I am sure, for the word to spread, for everyone to know that the Death Eaters son and the Boy Who Lived were Rivals. Not indifferent acquaintances, or enemies, or rivals but Rivals. The Rivals.
We would be legend.
In intense environments such as that of a boarding school things develop far faster than they would at other times, and such was true about our Rivalry.
As such, by the time our first flying lesson came around we were already Rivals and nothing was going to change that, our instantaneous dislike backed up and reinforced by the house stereotypes that had been around for years.
Therefore the entirely new feelings that swept over me during that flying lesson came as a bit of a shock, as you can probably understand.
It was all going fine until Potter got on that broom, flying for the first time without any supervision or security measures.
"Oh, yeah?" said Malfoy, trying to sneer, but looking worried.
…
"No Crabbe and Goyle up here to save your neck, Malfoy"
When it was just he and I in the air he read my countenance quite correctly, I was scared. Unfortunately I was scared for him, not for myself. He was cheerfully placing himself in the first of oh so many dangerous situations and I was getting my first taste of that gut wrenching, stomach churning feeling that I was to become all to familiar with.
The disaster in the Forbidden Forest confirmed it. I ran, I am a Slytherin after all, but I felt awful about leaving him there - and the congratulations I received in Slytherin for leaving the Boy Who Lived To Be Teacher's Pet in danger only served to accentuate that pit of horrified guilt in my stomach and that voice in the back of my head which told me I should have been there to help him, to protect him.
I soon came to hate that voice.
And listen to it.
Second year, I knew the he wasn't the Heir of Slytherin, I just sort of felt it, instinctively.
The Duelling Club was a bit of a revelation though. God I hated Snape for placing him in danger with that serpensortia spell, while at the same time I also loved the idea of getting one over on Potter. It was getting rather irritating, this tendency towards schizophrenia, so I decided that stupid!Me hated Snape for placing him in danger, while I was really quite chuffed. It helped clear things up.
Stupid!Me was definitely relieved by the sheer power he showed during that duel, it radiated out of him. And he's been getting stronger ever since, I can feel it. And I'm not the only one, if the smug joy on Dumbledore's face whenever he looks at Potter is anything to go by.
It wasn't until third year that I started to wonder if maybe something was amiss with him too.
"So that's why you're putting it on," said Harry, accidentally beheading a dead caterpillar because his hand was shaking in anger. "To try and get Hagrid sacked."
For some reason stupid!Me had the urge to make sure Potter knew I wasn't really hurt by that oaf's beast, well barring a substantial dent in my pride. I can't believe it attacked me. Didn't it know who I was? Anyway, he didn't seem in the least bit surprised, but also not overly angry. Weasley, sure, blew him top with the best of them – he would have made a brilliant enemy under other circumstances, though he is a bit too easy, if you know what I mean, and doesn't have the same standard of retort as Potter.
Potter, though, just seemed to understand, like he was saying 'thanks, won't worry anymore,' before putting game face back on.
Which would all be rather horrific were it true.
I long to see you in the night
Be with you 'til morning light
The Quidditch World Cup was the real fuck up, though. When it all kicked off stupid!Me took over completely, I had to see him, to see he was alright rather than just knowing he was.
And now you're all I long to see
You've come to mean so much to me
Fourth year nearly broke me, I think. I have never been more…terrified.
And it was sheer, unadulterated terror that he might not come back from whatever harebrained task he was being set next.
And it was like an escalation of stupid!Me's feeling's, too. The first task was harrowing, but the joy of flying made him calm, which calmed stupid!Me (and yes, I'm not even going to go there!). The second task though, he was out of sight for over an hour. An hour where I couldn't see him, couldn't know he was alright.
And then came the sheer panic of the final task, when he disappeared. I felt sick. I almost was sick. He could have died and for that moment I was totally in accord with stupid!Me in knowing that had he died, I would have too.
I am ignoring that now.
But he survived. So I did.
Fifth year served to show that he quite clearly was experiencing some sort of stupid!Harry problem, why else would he have allowed me to sit with him, sit in silence. Why else would we have felt so calm, so…easy being together.
Bad thoughts!
I had knowledge enough of myself not to be surprised by how certain I was of his innocence. It was a new discovery though, when I found that my friends would trust me, follow me if I could offer them something else, something better.
And this all leads inescapably to the events of this year, to waking up on a classroom floor and he being the first thing I saw. To our friends suddenly finding common ground. To yesterday.
I remember falling – so slow and yet so fast, something I though didn't happen in real life – and I remember waking up and feeling so safe, so loved. I was like someone had been holding me, soothing me, before gently shaking me and easing me back into consciousness. Of course, that didn't happen, I was alone, but that's how it felt.
Then there was Potter, also in the infirmary for some reason. I could feel it as he walked past, Granger at his side, feel his confusion and anxiety, feel how upset he was and feel his concern, a concern which felt like it was for me.
Then I said it. Told him not to worry, told him that that feeling would go away.
They didn't say anything, didn't ask what happened, or what I knew. Pansy just told me that I needed to make sense of things for me first. But they will ask, it's only a stay of execution after all, not a pardon.
And what do I tell them when I have no answers myself?
And no truths other than those which have been studiously ignored for the last six years.
And I'll be dreaming of the future
And hoping you'll be by my side
And in the morning I'll be longing
For the night, for the night
Chances are I'll see you
Somewhere in my dreams tonight
You'll be smiling like the night we met
Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer
All I have
All I know is this:
He is Gryffindor to my Slytherin and we fit perfectly, we complete each other in an eternal circle of rivalry which predates all others.
And it is that possibility that I refuse to accept, that we might, despite our nature and nurture, or instincts and the opinions of all around us, complete each other.
You're the only one I can't forget***
Draco closed the notebook with a slam, vowing that he would burn it in the morning.
Because no matter what Pansy said, no matter how much a diary might 'help you sort out your thoughts, your feelings' there were something things he was better off not knowing, thank you very much.
But he knew he wouldn't burn it, he never did.
END CHAPTER TWENTY THREE
So what did you think? Please review!
Oh, some verses were cut, but most of the song stands, because it kind of fits, I think.
Plus I love the song.
Review responses:
evilemily101: thanks!
Dragenphly: thanks! Draco/Harry coming up. Glad you like Ron/Pansy. I did.
Schtoops: hungover – naughty you! Glad you like my offering, well flattered! Deal is coming, I promise
kendra1117: thanks for the comments. Yup I'm looking forward to getting Blaise/Hermione going, and Harry/Draco too!
Goddess JacquesPierre: don't cry! Don't worry, no beta-ing, just an empty threat!
TigerBlak: yup, another short one, but quick update.
wintermoon2: yeah, I like my Harry too! Hope you like Draco!
Rachel: soz on the eruption. Don't worry, confessions coming soon. Hope you like this one!
Draco-Is-A-God: together, definitely together!
Syclike: thanks!
Scorn-Silverstar: soz, not sure I can keep it up.
Plaintosee: please decide you like it! It was meant to be confused, cus poor little Harry was a tad confused! Hope you like Draco's thoughts, they were mean to be more coherent if nothing else! Yup, like the old Placebo – evey you every me great, as is Nancy Boy. Of course I know fight club! Don't really know the soundtrack though
Slice: aw thanks!! Glad you like it, and happy birthday!