Title: Tears of Sand
Author: Barenaked Bostonian, or ScullyAsTrinity
Rating: PG-13
Category: Angst mostly.
Spoilers: Post Emily.
Dedication: To TOXIC INDUSTRY!!!! Woot! I owe her sooooooo muchies!!!
[Tears of Sand]
It was surprisingly easy to slip into the file that was at hand. Perhaps it was only because I wasn't thinking about the file. I wasn't thinking about work, or Mulder, or anything that was tangible.
I was thinking about my daughter.
My beautiful, doomed daughter.
I was thinking about my last chance. It makes me want to sob out all of my failed attempts at everything. It makes me want to damn my Lord and cry out to the church. It makes me want to cling to Mulder and tell him just what I'm feeling right now.
But I can't, I won't. Dana Scully is stronger than this. She has more power, more control.
I can protect her Mulder, I can and I know it. I'm meant to be a mother Mulder, I-
"I never expected this, I thought I was protecting you." And I want to scream; I want to scream it all out. But you're not protecting me. I'm my own person. But he's sure that he can comfort me, and he's sure that he can comfort me.
He talks to the doctors, without my adhering. He tries to find a cure, without my support, he wants Emily as much as I do. He wants this child as much as I do and he doesn't want to see me hurt and I can't but love him all over again, for it all.
At the funeral, I stare at the coffin where my daughter should be. She's nothing but sand; sand that I has walked through in my mind. He knows that I need him, but for reasons of his own he hangs back. He is hurting as well.
He knows that she was wearing it. I can see it in his eyes. It hits me like a thousand tons of sand, washing. He knows that was wearing, and that he gave it to me three years ago.
He knows that he in part gave it to her.
And no matter how hard I try I can't help but think that he was the reason I chose to keep her. He was my inspiration, my constant. And I know that if she had survived, he would have... would have.
Mulder would have made an excellent father, will make an excellent father when he finds the right woman, when he finds...
I can't be here right now. I can't think of any of this right now. I need to sink into these bubbles. I need to sink into these bubbles and forget that I belong to the government, that I belong to him. I need to forget that I lost my only daughter. That although I've lost my last chance, I can still have hope. Still have hope for another last chance.
But I can't think about any of that right now. If I think about that I'm sure that I'll break like you think I will Mulder. I'll break into a thousand pieces and you just won't be able to put them back together. I can't stand anything that I know right now. I have to get away from it, just for a little while. Mulder, wait it out, please. Wait it all out while I am someone else.
I shut the file and place it on the desk. I take one last look behind me before I leave, shutting the lights and sending the office into darkness.
Author: Barenaked Bostonian, or ScullyAsTrinity
Rating: PG-13
Category: Angst mostly.
Spoilers: Post Emily.
Dedication: To TOXIC INDUSTRY!!!! Woot! I owe her sooooooo muchies!!!
[Tears of Sand]
It was surprisingly easy to slip into the file that was at hand. Perhaps it was only because I wasn't thinking about the file. I wasn't thinking about work, or Mulder, or anything that was tangible.
I was thinking about my daughter.
My beautiful, doomed daughter.
I was thinking about my last chance. It makes me want to sob out all of my failed attempts at everything. It makes me want to damn my Lord and cry out to the church. It makes me want to cling to Mulder and tell him just what I'm feeling right now.
But I can't, I won't. Dana Scully is stronger than this. She has more power, more control.
I can protect her Mulder, I can and I know it. I'm meant to be a mother Mulder, I-
"I never expected this, I thought I was protecting you." And I want to scream; I want to scream it all out. But you're not protecting me. I'm my own person. But he's sure that he can comfort me, and he's sure that he can comfort me.
He talks to the doctors, without my adhering. He tries to find a cure, without my support, he wants Emily as much as I do. He wants this child as much as I do and he doesn't want to see me hurt and I can't but love him all over again, for it all.
At the funeral, I stare at the coffin where my daughter should be. She's nothing but sand; sand that I has walked through in my mind. He knows that I need him, but for reasons of his own he hangs back. He is hurting as well.
He knows that she was wearing it. I can see it in his eyes. It hits me like a thousand tons of sand, washing. He knows that was wearing, and that he gave it to me three years ago.
He knows that he in part gave it to her.
And no matter how hard I try I can't help but think that he was the reason I chose to keep her. He was my inspiration, my constant. And I know that if she had survived, he would have... would have.
Mulder would have made an excellent father, will make an excellent father when he finds the right woman, when he finds...
I can't be here right now. I can't think of any of this right now. I need to sink into these bubbles. I need to sink into these bubbles and forget that I belong to the government, that I belong to him. I need to forget that I lost my only daughter. That although I've lost my last chance, I can still have hope. Still have hope for another last chance.
But I can't think about any of that right now. If I think about that I'm sure that I'll break like you think I will Mulder. I'll break into a thousand pieces and you just won't be able to put them back together. I can't stand anything that I know right now. I have to get away from it, just for a little while. Mulder, wait it out, please. Wait it all out while I am someone else.
I shut the file and place it on the desk. I take one last look behind me before I leave, shutting the lights and sending the office into darkness.