TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (1/12)
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.
ARCHIVE: Sure, but please ask first.
FEEDBACK: Much appreciated.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Two and a half years and nearly 46000 words...and I'm terrified about posting it. A lot of effort and hair tearing and agony has gone into this, and it's really only half of the story. But I don't want it to be another two years before I can post the full thing, and this is really long enough for the moment. Plus, not much point in continuing if no one's interested.
As I started writing during season 3, some later episodes altered the canon I was balancing on. I considered changes to deal with it, but decided those parts were too important. So, for the purpose of this story, most of season 4 and 5, except for re-election, never happened. Sam's still here and CJ's mother, Moira Cregg, is living with Tal in Napa (and Moira is mine!). Deal with it.
THANKS: Most thanks have to go to the magnificent Rhonda: for editing, being my sounding board, giving opinions and sometimes paragraphs, coping with my many anxiety attacks, talking me down when I was going to delete it, and pushing me when needed. Thanks also to Kat for her help and support, as well as Angie, Kate, Amabel, Jordan, and my Mum. Hope I haven't forgotten anybody.
SUMMARY: Sometimes choices bring you full circle.

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She slowly got out of bed. To her relief he didn't stir, his breathing remaining relaxed and steady. She felt around for clothing, finding his boxers and shirt. They'd keep her warm enough.

She retreated to sit on her wide bedroom windowsill, the lights of D.C. comforting in their familiarity. She leaned her head back against the wood frame and drew her knees up to her chest.

'You're an idiot,' she silently berated herself.

She had been going to tell him earlier, but all her intentions had fled as soon as he'd touched her, replaced by the urgent need to have him within her. A need fulfilled, yet leaving her emptier than ever.

She turned to look at him. His face was hidden in shadow, but she didn't need to see it. His features were branded into her brain. Those twinkling eyes that told her more than his words could ever hope to; the mouth ranging in expression from the infuriating smirk to the seductive smile--features that would soon be shaped by contempt and betrayal.

A wave of dizziness forced her eyes closed and her head forward to rest on her knees. An indeterminate period of time passed before she heard a concerned voice.

"CJ? What are you doing?"

She pulled her head up as he touched her shoulder. She couldn't prevent a snort at the image of him wearing her bathrobe.

He smiled. "Yeah, well, your blouse is too small. Just be glad I didn't try on your underwear." He caressed her cheek, before sitting on the windowsill close to her feet. Twisting his upper body, he leaned forward and rested his chin on her knees, before rubbing her legs. "You're cold. Come back to bed and I'll warm you up." He separated her knees and kissed the inside of each, his beard arousing her nerve endings.

She stifled a whimper and reached out to run her fingers through his hair. He captured her hands and brought them to his lips. She knew she had to regain control before they made love again. She pulled her arms back and crossed them over her chest. "I need to tell you something."

"What have you been ruminating on in the wee small hours?"

Her stomach threatened to rebel and she breathed deeply to calm it. Best to get it over and done with quickly. "I'm pregnant."

Wonder and joy hijacked his face, a huge grin and dancing eyes, followed by an excited, "Really?"

He didn't give her time to reply as he jumped to his feet, pulling her with him. He wrapped his arms around her back, holding her close, before sliding down her body and kissing her stomach.

Her resolve nearly crumbled. She shut her eyes tight, willing her brain to take command. She opened them when she felt his hands on her cheeks.

His expression was concerned. "CJ. We're going to be okay. I know you're worried about our jobs, but we can deal with it." The smile reappeared. "We're having a baby."

She stepped back, breaking the skin contact. "We're not having a baby." Her voice was remarkably steady.

"What?" His brain worked overtime and his mouth wasn't far behind. "You don't mean--can we talk about this first? If you really don't want to go ahead with the pregnancy, I'll respect your wishes--"

"No, that isn't it."

"Well, you've confused me totally."

She took a deep breath and forced herself to look him straight in the eyes. "What I'm trying to tell you is that we're not having a baby. I am. You're not the father, Danny."

His face crumpled in shock. "The baby's not mine? But..." The realization hit him and he backed away until his legs touched the bed and he slumped down on it. He stared at the floor for a few seconds before returning his gaze to hers. "You're having an affair?" he whispered.

She was uncomfortable towering over him, but her feet wouldn't move. "Not exactly."

"Then what exactly? Stop playing word games, CJ." Anger and tears competed for supremacy within him.

"It was a one night thing."

"Who? When?"

She twisted her hands together. "Mark something. I don't know his last name. Five weeks ago."

His anger won out. "I was away for a week and you fucked some stranger?"

She physically recoiled from his words and collapsed on the windowsill. "I'm sorry." She struggled to hold back her own tears.

"It's a bit late for that. If it wasn't for the--" He gestured to her stomach. "Would you have told me?"

She bit down hard on her lip to stop a sob and wrapped her arms over her stomach.

"I have to get out of here." He sounded lost.

"Danny."

"No!" He put his hands up to stop her. "Just shut up, CJ. I don't want to hear any more." He stood and started gathering his clothes, keeping his back to her. "I need the rest of my clothes."

"Okay." She pulled off the boxers and shirt, replacing them with the robe he'd flung onto the bed. "There," she whispered, as she threw them to him and turned around.

She watched his reflection in the window. He dressed within a minute and left without a glance at her. The door to her apartment slammed behind him.

Her body began to shudder violently as she let the tears loose. Within minutes her stomach declared its intentions and she only just made it to the toilet. Exhaustion set in after the dry heaves. She only had enough energy to reach for a glass of water to rinse out her mouth, before curling up on the bathroom mat. Her hands automatically settled over her stomach as she cried herself to sleep.

------

She called in sick later in the morning, claiming stomach flu. Leo offered to send someone around to check on her, but she talked him out of it. The last thing she needed was to break down in front of a concerned friend.

The day was spent alternating between the bed and the bathroom floor. There was an occasional side trip to the kitchen, followed by a rapid return to the toilet. She gave up after the third attempt.

She lay on what had become his side of the bed. His scent teased her nose and his arms wrapped around her, his lips on her skin, his hand moving down to rest over the baby. He traced slow, teasing circles over her stomach, his mouth pressed against her throat, before his hand slipped down to her thighs. She parted her legs and he accepted the invitation. Her eyes closed and her breath quickened in step with his touch. She pushed against him, wanting him in contact with every possible square inch of her skin.

"Danny," she whispered.

And he was gone, leaving her hanging over the precipice. She pulled her legs up and curled into a ball as the tears returned.

------

She leaned across to thump her clock, but the bells continued. Her conscious mind surfaced and ordered her hand to pick up the phone.

"Hello?" she muttered.

"CJ!"

"Piss off, Joshua." She squinted at the clock. It was either 2:47 or 3:47. Her clock had been knocked off the bedside table a few times too many and refused to show the bottom half of the hour number in protest.

"That's not very nice."

His chirpy tone was giving her a headache. "I'm not feeling very nice." Her voice was slightly slurred, probably due to the fact she couldn't feel her tongue.

"You really don't sound well."

"You don't say." Okay, don't yell. It only makes your head explode. Quieter. "I was wondering why I called in sick. Thanks for letting me know."

"Your sarcasm is still intact, so you can't be too sick."

She closed her eyes and rubbed her hand over her forehead. "No, I'm not too sick. I've just thrown up a few hundred times since early this morning, flushed my stomach around 6am, threw up a lung at 8:45 and lost my pancreas about an hour ago. At least I think it was my pancreas. Could have been a kidney."

"Ummm, CJ. That's really..."

She would have laughed if she'd had any energy left. "What do you want?"

There was a few seconds silence. She could picture him squirming. "Nothing. I'm in a kind of lull, so I thought I'd--"

"Annoy me?"

"I was thinking more along the lines of cheering you up."

A little smile appeared. He could be terribly sweet at times. But she didn't want that at the moment. "Is Donna there?"

"Yeah."

"Please put her on."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

"DONNA!"

She held the receiver away from her ear at his bellow. Mumbled explanations followed before she heard Donna's voice.

"CJ?"

"Hi, Donna. Could you please make sure your charge does not call me again today? Otherwise I'm going to have to take desperate measures."

Donna laughed. "Of course. He'll have to ask before he's allowed to touch the phone." Josh could be heard complaining. "How are you?"

"I'd be a lot better if my stomach would stay above empty."

"You tried some dry crackers or toast?"

CJ rubbed her stomach. "Yeah. They're probably floating in the Atlantic by now."

"Just try a couple of bites every half hour or so. Don't try to eat too much at once. And make sure you drink plenty of liquids."

"Thank you, Doctor Moss." CJ felt the first genuine smile of the day on her lips.

"Do you want me to come and see you?"

She almost said yes. "No, it's okay. Thanks, though. I don't want you to catch it. Probably just a twenty-four hour bug."

"I could do with a day off. Call me if you need anything."

"Thank you, Donna. If I don't turn up or call in tomorrow, come by. You'll find what's left of my body on the bathroom floor. Could you put the idiot back on?" CJ waited until she heard Josh's hesitant 'Hi'. "Joshua Marie. I'll see you tomorrow." In a lower voice she made her apologies. "Thanks for checking up on me."

"Look after yourself, Claudia Jean."

She pulled herself out of bed and wandered over to the windowsill. Making herself comfortable, she leaned her head against the window, placed her hands on her stomach and began to formulate contingency plans.

------

"CJ!"

She stopped at his door. "Hey, Mi Amor."

"You sound more like yourself." Josh rose from behind his desk and walked over to her.

She leaned against his door frame, placing her briefcase at her feet. "As opposed to the bitch from yesterday?" She returned his smile. They could never stay mad at each other for long.

He studied her face. "I don't want you to bite my head off, but you don't look--"

She reached out and placed her hand on his chest. "I know. But I really am much better. You don't need to worry about me." She grinned to reassure him. "Besides, the gaggle always goes easy on me when I look like I'm about to collapse. I'd better go before Carol sends out a search party."

CJ spent half the morning deflecting concern over her health and the other half catching up on what she'd missed. She was nibbling on her umpteenth cracker when Carol reminded her that the first briefing was in ten minutes. Her stomach protested and she breathed deeply to calm it.

"Henry or Simon can do it."

"I'm okay, Carol."

She knew she couldn't avoid the press room for good, the best course of action was to confront it. Her stomach was doing its best to counter that argument, but her head took control once again. By the time she walked in front of the cameras she was surprisingly calm and her mask was in place.

It was a slow news day, only a few easily answered questions after she'd dispensed with the announcements. He never said a word and kept his attention focused on his notebook. She caught his gaze early in the briefing and had to swallow a gasp. She prayed for a flash of anger, grief, hate would even do. Any emotion was preferable to the vacant stare.

At the end of the briefing, she watched him hurry back to his desk without looking at her.

"CJ?"

She turned to Carol. "Yeah?"

"You okay? You're really pale."

"I'm fine." CJ walked out into the corridor, Carol trailing behind her. "On second thought--"

She shoved her folder into Carol's hands and made it to the bathroom just in time.

The remainder of the week settled into a pattern. Get out of bed, throw up, drag herself into work and try to make it through the day without throwing up again. Much to her relief, the Senior Staff put it down to the remnants of the flu.

Briefings still presented a challenge to her composure. Danny asked his usual questions and was back to being all business when he looked at her. She wasn't sure whether to envy him or be angry with him. Friday morning saw her muffle a sigh of relief when he didn't arrive at the first briefing. By the second his absence started to worry her. All sorts of scenarios worked through her brain and she sprinted to the bathroom after the final briefing.

Her office was occupied when she returned.

"The lid's on, Leo."

"I know." He sat on her couch, his concerned Papa Bear expression in place. "Still sick?"

She slumped into her office chair. "A bit."

"Why don't you take the whole weekend off? Henry and Simon can cover and I'll only call you in if the world's about to end." He rose and crossed to stand in front of her desk.

CJ bit her lip. She really needed to center and calm her mind and stomach. But the idea of being alone with herself for two days wasn't appealing.

"I can make it an order."

She shifted her gaze from Gail to Leo. "Okay. Thanks."

"If you're still sick on Monday, see a doctor." He walked towards the door.

"Yes, Dad."

Turning back to her, he smirked. "Go home, CJ."

------

Home was the last place she wanted to be by lunch time on Saturday. The day had started as usual, hanging over the toilet. A cleaning frenzy followed, but she only disturbed memories of Danny. Dancing a very bad vertical tango through the living room and into her bedroom, where it tilted into a very good horizontal tango; cooking breakfast together, toast burning as their attention was distracted; long, leisurely baths exploring, touching, feeling.

The breaking point was the discovery of one of Danny's shirts under a pile of clothes. Remnants of his cologne still clung to the material, stirring her emotions as she hugged it to her chest. She sat cross-legged on the floor at the end of her bed and rocked as the tears flowed.

She needed to get out, escape from the past. Pulling herself up, she placed the shirt in a bottom drawer and quickly dressed.

Where to go? Somewhere with plenty of people to distract her, preferably strangers. West Potomac Park was a logical destination. The cherry blossoms around the Tidal Basin were just past their peak bloom in the second week of April, but the Park was still a magnet for tourists.

She wandered along the water's edge, the strong perfume overpowering the remnants of Danny's scent. It was a perfect spring day, the sun reflecting off the water causing her to squint, even with sunglasses. A light breeze set occasional petals free, catching in her hair.

Lunch beckoned and she found a quiet spot sitting on a blanket of fallen blossoms, facing the water. She watched the action on the footpath as she ate, her vision subconsciously drawn to young children and their parents. Picturing herself with a baby was difficult and slightly amusing. The President and Leo were parents; the thought of joining their select club was daunting. She'd never given serious thought to children, her career had been her focus and as for her relationship track record--there'd been some good sex, but no genes she'd think once, let alone twice, about reproducing with. Then she'd fallen for the one man she wasn't allowed to have.

The decision was made from the moment the doctor had confirmed her suspicions a week ago. She had no one but herself to blame, the self pity needed to stop. If she wanted to keep this quiet for a few more weeks she had to act as normally as possible. Jumping down people's throats when they had no inkling of her situation wasn't fair.

Her arms settled protectively over her stomach. All she had to do was follow Danny's example.

------

Her resolution lasted until mid-afternoon Monday.

"CJ?"

She looked up to see Carol holding a sheet of paper. "Yeah?"

"The Post is asking for credentials to be approved for a new reporter."

"The Washington Post?"

Carol nodded.

Reaching out to take the paper, CJ commented, "Don't they have enough here?" She quickly scanned the details. "When do they want him to start?"

"Monday. Apparently the Post didn't think anyone here was good enough to step into Danny's job, so they're transferring this guy in."

CJ barely registered anything beyond the mention of Danny. All of her concentration was fixed on keeping her eyes dry and her stomach calm. A touch on her shoulder and Carol's concerned tone allowed reality back in.

"Do you know where Danny's going?" CJ kept her eyes locked on the sheet of paper and silently cursed her shaky voice.

Carol sounded surprised at the inquiry. "Editor's job in San Francisco. He had the final interview on Friday. You sure you're okay?"

Pasting on a smile, CJ looked up. "I'm fine. You know what to do." She handed the form back to Carol, dismissing her. The door closing was the cue for her body to shake and the tears to flow.

------

Autopilot was engaged for the rest of the week. Emotions were allowed freedom only in the sanctuary of her apartment. Morning sickness extended its hold into the night; she was only keeping down one meal a day.

Yet, somehow she still functioned and no one asked her what was wrong. Definitely Oscar-worthy material.

Friday arrived and she had to mention him at the end of the last briefing. "And before we go, the White House would like to wish the Washington Post's Danny Concannon good luck in his new job." She kept her eyes trained on a point directly above his head. "Danny has been a White House correspondent for ten years and the Senior Correspondent for the last four. He's terrorized five Press Secretaries during that time with his insightful, demanding and often just plain weird questions."

She paused as laughter and clapping filled the room. Several reporters surrounding Danny shook his hand. Her gaze dropped and met his, the sadness she glimpsed leaving her shaken. It was only for a second though as he switched back to business mode.

CJ wasn't quite as adept and had to cough before she could speak again. Still looking directly at him, she finished, "You will be missed."

Danny gave a little nod in acknowledgement.

A deep breath and she was ready to escape. "Okay, the lid is on. Have a good weekend."

The sanctuary of her office beckoned, but a side trip to the bathroom was mandatory. By then her space had been invaded.

Dropping her briefing folder onto her desk, she spoke without facing the intruder. "Did I miss the memo listing my office as party central last thing on Fridays?"

"I thought your office was always party central."

"What do you want, Josh?" She turned to find him holding out a thick bundle of paper. "No! Absolutely not!" CJ quickly moved to put her desk between them. "I am going home, not reading reports."

"It needs to be done by tomorrow." Josh was trying out his pleading little boy face, but she wasn't going to fall for it.

"Tomorrow's Saturday. Why does it have to be done by then?"

"Because it's already late."

She sighed, knowing she was going to end up reading it, but not quite willing to end the argument. "When was it supposed to be done?"

"Last weekend." Josh shuffled his feet.

"And you've had all week to give it to me."

"I tried several times, but you were always busy." He deposited it in front of her. "I'm sorry, CJ. But it has to be done. The top sheet lists what's needed."

She fought to hold back the tears, damn hormones. "Okay, fine. Let me get to it."

"Do you want me to order you some dinner?"

Her stomach protested at the mere mention of the word. "No, thanks." She grabbed the first page and didn't look up as he left.

Several hours after the sun had set and Carol had gone home, she was still reading. Her back started to ache and tiredness seeped into every muscle. CJ stood and walked out into Carol's office and back. The couch beckoned, but she resisted. She only had an hour or so left on the report; if she sat down on the couch she wouldn't get up again.

Turning to walk another circuit of the offices, CJ collided with a body. She moved one hand immediately to protect her stomach, the other to brace herself against him. He dropped a small object as his hand settled over her stomach and his other arm around her body.

Concern clouded his eyes before he slammed down the shutter and effected a neutral expression. He removed his hands as if scalded and stepped back, leaving her to stifle a whimper at the loss of contact.

"I'm sorry."

She worked hard to steady herself. "It's okay. I should have watched where I was going. I wasn't expecting anyone."

"Yeah. I just came by to give Gail something." Danny indicated the parcel he'd picked up off the floor. "Hope it's okay. I thought you would've gone by now." He walked over to the fish in question.

She was left standing by the door, upset at the knowledge he'd been going to leave without saying goodbye. 'What the hell did you expect? Flowers and one more screw for the road?' Closing her office door, she bit her lip then turned and moved towards him.

"I had a report dumped on me at the last minute."

"It didn't break." Danny held up a newspaper ornament. "Do you mind?"

"No." She watched him closely as he replaced the cherry tree ornament with his farewell gift. The skillful hands which knew every inch of her and how to bring her to and over the edge; the strong shoulders she'd clung to; the curls at the nape of his neck. She resisted the urge to twine them around her fingers, but her mouth took on a life of its own. "You don't have to leave."

He snorted. "You've got to be joking!" Gail gulped at his fingertips and he softly stroked her before withdrawing his hand.

She grabbed a small towel she kept for dealing with Gail's bowl and handed it to him.

"You expect me to stay here and watch?" He waved the towel at her abdomen. "Maybe it makes me a Neanderthal, but I can't be here. I just can't." Throwing the towel onto her desk, he walked towards the couch.

CJ hugged her arms around her body. "I'm so sorry, Danny."

With his back still to her, he replied, "For what? Fucking him or being caught out? You could have at least used a condom, then I would've been none the wiser."

"I never meant to hurt you," she whispered, as the words struggled with the tears to escape.

"And yet you did." Danny turned around, his mouth tight trying to contain his own emotions. "Just as well you told me last week. I was about to interview for an editor's job in international news at the Post."

She couldn't stifle a sob at that revelation. Her desk was the only thing keeping her from collapsing.

"Yeah. I was going to get rid of the conflict of interest completely. We'd have been able to be together without looking over our shoulders. Wouldn't I have felt like a fool? Or would you've passed the baby off as mine? Because you could have, I would never have guessed." He emitted a strangled laugh as a tear rolled down his face.

CJ pushed herself off the desk and reached out to brush his cheek.

Danny flinched and sidestepped to avoid her touch. "Don't. Just don't." His voice gained a hard edge. "Did you love me at all, or was I just an easy and willing source of sex?"

The protest died on her lips as he cut her off. "Actually don't answer that. Let me preserve at least part of the delusion." His mouth twisted into a cruel smile. "You are great in bed. I'm sure Mark Something got his money's worth, plus a little bonus."

Fighting the twin urges to throw up and collapse, CJ had no energy left over to speak or even sob. Tears glided silently over her cheeks as she clenched her hands.

The anger bled out of his face, leaving behind confusion and hurt. He looked around, lost for a moment, before finding the door. Pointing to it, he stammered, "I--I need to go--leave. Good luck with everything." He paused and held his hand out in the direction of her stomach. "I hope the--the baby does well."

Her voice fought its way out. "Thanks. Good luck with the job and San Francisco." There was so much more to be said, but they were the only words she knew.

"Yeah."

Their gazes held for a few seconds, before the ragged edges of shattered trust and dreams tore them apart. She lowered her head, not willing to watch him walk out of her life. The click of the door closing sparked sensations of claustrophobia. That damn report could wait one more day; she needed to get out of there.

A call was made to the cab company; she was in no fit state to drive. Honestly, she didn't care if she made it home in one piece, but she wouldn't risk the tiny creature relying on her.

Complete exhaustion spread through her body as she closed her apartment door. She dragged herself into a hot shower, trying to scrub away the shame and disgust. All she achieved was tender skin and a sore throat and head from muffled sobbing.

Walking naked into her bedroom, she opened a drawer and pulled out his shirt. She winced as the material came into contact with the results of her rough treatment. His scent made her dizzy and her fingers fumbled with the buttons.

Cocooned within his arms, she collapsed into bed and released the flood gates.

------