TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (2/12)
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.
Full notes in Chapter 1.

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Eight days.

Wasn't this supposed to get easier?

He haunted her sleep. She felt him moving within her, his hands stroking her skin, heard him whisper her name as they soared, smelt his cologne, tasted his lips.

Waking hours weren't any easier. Several times during briefings she'd nearly called his name. Red hair had become a source of fascination. She was slightly concerned she was giving Margaret the wrong idea.

"Ms. Cregg."

CJ looked up to see her gynecologist walking towards her.

"Sorry for the delay. I'm the receptionist, nurse and doctor on Saturday afternoons." Dr. Martin smiled in apology.

"It's fine. It's one of the reasons I come to you. Your hours are nearly as bad as mine," CJ replied.

Dr. Martin had been highly recommended by a number of women on the Hill and in the White House when CJ was looking for a new doctor after moving to D.C.. While CJ had only had a couple of appointments with her, Dr. Martin had made her feel very comfortable.

"Come through."

CJ followed the shorter dark-haired woman into her office and sat down.

"I have a note here that this is an obstetrical consultation. So I'll start by asking some questions and checking your medical history." Dr. Martin began to take notes. "You've had a pregnancy test and seen your doctor to confirm it?"

CJ nodded.

"What was the date of the first day of your last menstrual period, and did your doctor give you an expected date of delivery?"

"February 27, and he said around December 6," CJ answered, watching as Dr. Martin made some quick calculations.

"Sounds about right." The doctor looked up at her. "It's only an estimate; most deliveries take place up to ten days either side of that date. Any idea of the approximate date of conception?"

"Possibly the week starting March 12."

"Okay. We date the pregnancy from the last period, so you're eight and a half weeks. Have you had any previous pregnancies, either going to full-term, or ending in miscarriage or termination?"

CJ shook her head. "No, this is the first."

Dr. Martin shuffled through her file. "I have a note here that you were taken off the Pill by your previous gynecologist six years ago due to high blood pressure and changed to using a diaphragm. I checked the fit of the diaphragm eleven months ago when you last saw me for a pap smear. Were you still using the diaphragm each time you had sex?"

"Without fail," CJ snorted. "Obviously it wasn't as reliable as I was."

"Unfortunately it isn't as reliable as the Pill. Weight change can affect the fit. You didn't lose or gain more than ten pounds in the last eleven months?"

"The only weight change I've had has been in the last two weeks. I'm barely keeping anything down."

"You didn't have any problems with morning sickness before six weeks?"

"Not really," CJ replied. "I graduated straight to throwing up morning and night. Between that and my bladder, I spend half my time within sprinting distance of a toilet."

"Were there any added stresses around six weeks?"

CJ clenched her hands in her lap. "You could say that."

"Stress can definitely increase the severity of morning sickness." Dr. Martin smiled reassuringly. "But it should start to get easier over the next month or two. We'll keep an eye on it, especially if you lose too much weight or become dehydrated. Try eating say five to six smaller meals, rather than three main meals. Keep the food healthy and if you find certain foods that do stay down, increase your intake. The main thing to remember is plenty of fluids."

"More time in the bathroom," CJ groaned.

Dr. Martin went on to question her about other pregnancy symptoms, her previous medical history and family history of inherited disease.

"Nothing that I'm aware of," CJ answered.

"What about the father?"

Her stomach churned and she had to take several deep breaths before she could answer. "I don't know and I can't find out. He's not involved and I want it to remain that way."

"Okay, that's all right," Dr. Martin replied in a soothing tone. "Can you give me a urine sample?"

CJ laughed with relief. "That is one thing I'm definitely qualified to do."

The drawing of blood followed.

"The urine will be tested for protein, sugar and ketones. That'll show how your kidneys are functioning and whether there's any sign of diabetes," Dr. Martin explained. "The blood will be checked for the hemoglobin level, rhesus antibodies and blood group, and rubella antibody levels. We'll also test for antibodies to HIV and syphilis."

The doctor then performed a full general physical examination, starting by measuring her height, weight and blood pressure. CJ's neck, lungs, heart and breasts were examined, followed by her abdomen, spine, legs and feet. Her armpits and groin were checked for swollen glands. The final step was a pelvic examination.

"The size of your uterus is consistent with eight weeks and the cervix has softened. This is going to be uncomfortable, but I need to check the pelvic organs."

CJ shut her eyes and tried to relax. A short time later she felt a touch on her shoulder and opened her eyes to see the doctor.

"You can get dressed now, CJ."

Dr. Martin was finishing writing up her notes when CJ returned to the desk.

"The pelvic examination showed everything exactly right for eight weeks. You're generally healthy. However, there are two main areas concerning me." The doctor folded her hands. "Firstly, your weight. As I mentioned earlier, try a number of smaller meals during the day. We need to try and minimize any further weight loss and that means eating even if you don't feel like it." She handed CJ several sheets of paper. "That will give you some ideas for meals, as well as foods that are particularly high in nutritional content. If you find any that disagree with you, cut them out."

CJ quickly skimmed through the list. "And second?"

"Your blood pressure. You have what we term chronic hypertension. Pregnancy-induced hypertension usually doesn't appear until twenty-eight weeks. But you've gone into this pregnancy with high blood pressure. You are at high risk of developing pre-eclampsia and the baby's growth may be retarded." Dr. Martin stood and walked around the desk to sit beside CJ. "I don't want to scare you, but it's something you need to be aware of and prepared for."

CJ bit her lip and fought to control the emotions slamming into her. "What--what do I do?"

"I'm going to keep a close eye on you. Usually in the first half of pregnancy, visits are every four to six weeks. I want to see you every two weeks without fail. The appointments will be more frequent if needed." The doctor reached out and took CJ's hands, squeezing them in comfort.

"Every two weeks." CJ nodded.

"You need to reduce your stress levels."

"With my job?" A cross between a giggle and a sob caught in her throat. "I can't afford to give up work."

"And I'm not asking you to at this stage." Dr. Martin adopted a firm tone. "But the reality is bed rest may become necessary. By reducing your stress levels now you lessen that possibility. Eat well, get plenty of sleep, only do the work that has to be done. Learn to delegate. Have you told your boss yet?"

"No," CJ replied, shaking her head. "I wanted to wait a few more weeks."

Dr. Martin pursed her lips. "Okay. I'll leave it up to you, but the sooner you tell them, the better for you and the baby. Does anyone else know?" She continued after CJ answered in the negative. "I strongly recommend finding a friend or family member you can confide in. Someone you can discuss things with, who can be a support. I'm here if you're worried about anything or have questions. But you need someone you're close to."

"Anything else?"

"That's all we can do at the moment. The first couple of months are rather stressful anyway. Hopefully as you become more comfortable with the pregnancy, your blood pressure will stabilize. I'll give you some literature on hypertension and pre-eclampsia before you leave."

"If I ever need to do a briefing on this, I'll be well prepared," CJ joked weakly. She blew her nose and wiped her eyes. "Are there any tests I need?"

"Due to your age, you are at greater risk of having a baby with Down Syndrome or other chromosomal abnormalities. I highly recommend genetic testing either by amniocentesis or chorionic villus sampling, CVS." Dr. Martin pulled a folder off her desk and outlined both techniques. "I know it's a lot to take in."

CJ rubbed the back of her neck as her mind struggled to stay afloat. "Just a bit of an information overload. I haven't done any research, I've just been trying to get used to the idea."

"You've got a few weeks to think it over. I'll give you some information booklets."

They both laughed, relieving some of the tension. CJ stood and stretched, before walking around the room. "Which do you recommend?"

"I'd suggest CVS. There is a higher miscarriage rate, though most miscarriages occur in the first trimester anyway. Amnio is done around sixteen to eighteen weeks, so the results aren't available until you are visibly pregnant and have probably felt the baby move. If there is a problem and you decide on termination, you would most likely have to go through an induced labor. CVS can be done around eleven to twelve weeks and results are usually available within a week to ten days. Termination is a lot easier medically. Plus with your blood pressure, the sooner this particular worry is out of the way, the better." Dr. Martin walked over to a filing cabinet and pulled some booklets out of the top drawer. "I don't want you to make the decision now. Think it over, read these, make an informed decision."

CJ took the booklets and watched as the doctor searched for extra papers. "Can you do the test?"

"Yes, I've got the facilities. There they are." She handed CJ another bundle of information sheets. "Those talk about hypertension and possible complications. Back to the CVS. It would have to be done during business hours on a weekday, which is when my technician is available. Give me a call when you've decided and we'll set a time."

CJ stared at the papers in her hands. Her body waited for instructions but her brain stalled.

"CJ." Dr. Martin squeezed her arm to attract her attention. "I think that's enough for today."

CJ nodded and recomposed herself. "Yeah."

"I'll see you same time Saturday in two weeks."

"Right." She smiled gratefully at the doctor. "Thank you."

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Struggling into her apartment, CJ dropped her keys and purse onto the entrance table as her briefcase slipped out of her grasp. She kicked the front door closed and stepped over the briefcase on her way to the kitchen.

"I'd better be able to keep some of this down," she warned the oven, as she dumped two bags of groceries on the kitchen table.

After putting the groceries away, she retrieved her briefcase and pulled out the literature Dr. Martin had provided. It was placed in a neat pile on the dining table with her glasses and a briefing pad and pen.

The bedroom was the next stop, shoes kicked off, suit exchanged for track pants and sweat shirt. She removed her makeup and clipped her hair so it was off her neck. Tidying the bathroom, her stomach lurched as she discovered a bottle of his cologne.

She sat down on the edge of the bathtub, rolling the bottle over in her hands. Wherever she turned she found something he owned or gave her.

Making a decision, CJ stood and went back into her bedroom, dropping the bottle on the bed. She grabbed his shirt from the chair in the corner and rifled through the drawers for several items of lingerie. A framed photo from a secret getaway to upstate New York joined the pile.

A packing box was retrieved from the hallway closet, his mug from the kitchen, several CDs and ornaments from the lounge room. She carefully wrapped the breakables in the clothes, placing them in the box.

"Gail is lucky I can't pack her away," she told a ceramic goldfish, before it too disappeared from view.

Sitting next to the box on the bed, CJ opened the top drawer of the bedside table. She pulled out a small wooden box. Her fingers traced the carvings on the lid before dropping to the latch and opening it. Cards, letters, photos, small notes, a plastic ring from a bubble gum machine, a length of florist's ribbon. Tears burnt her eyes as she touched the crystal drop resting on her throat. She unlatched the necklace and held it tightly in her hand, before lowering it into the box and closing the lid.

The treasure chest joined the other reminders, coming to a final rest in the back of the hallway closet.

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"Carol, could you please get me the transcript of the last Pentagon briefing? I'm getting some questions on the wording." CJ kept her attention on the papers in front of her.

"I would, but it might be quicker if you did it yourself."

CJ looked up and smiled at her visitor. "You're not Carol."

"Damn." Abbey snapped her fingers as she shut the door. "I need to work on that disguise. You got a few minutes?"

CJ watched Abbey cross to the couch and pat the cushion next to her. "I think I can squeeze you in," she joked, before joining her. "How was Germany?"

"Freezing and wet. They organized floods especially for my visit." Abbey patted CJ's hand. "How are you?"

"Fine," CJ answered quickly, wondering what Abbey had heard. She recognized that intense mother/doctor look. The entire Senior Staff had been on the receiving end of it at one time or another.

"You look like you could do with a good meal."

CJ attempted to wave off her concern. "I had the stomach flu a few weeks ago and I've been run off my feet since."

"Come over for dinner tonight. We haven't had a girls' night for a while."

It was next to impossible to say no to Abbey. "I'm not sure what time I'll be able to get out of here."

Abbey squeezed her hand before standing and walking to the door. "Call when you're close to finishing. See you tonight."

CJ closed her eyes tightly after Abbey left, offering a prayer for her stomach to behave.

"CJ?"

"Yes, Carol?" CJ opened her eyes.

"Can I get you anything?" Her assistant looked and sounded concerned.

CJ stood and moved back to her desk. "The transcript of the last Pentagon briefing. Thanks." And a one-way ticket out of here, she added silently.

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She couldn't put it off any longer.

The day had been reasonably quiet and she'd finished her required work well before 7pm. She'd spent the last half-hour reorganizing her desk drawers and throwing out dead pens.

A Secret Service agent escorted her to the First Lady's informal sitting room and knocked, before opening the door and letting her enter.

Abbey crossed the room, kissing her on the cheek and offering a drink.

"Orange juice or mineral water if you have it, please?" At Abbey's raised eyebrow, CJ defended herself. "I've got briefing papers to read later. Statistics and alcohol don't mix well."

CJ spent the next twenty minutes keeping the conversation focused on Abbey's trip and upcoming schedule. She deftly steered the talk back to neutral ground every time the subject drifted too close to her.

A knock on the door announced dinner. Abbey led her to the table, remarking, "One of your favorites if I'm not mistaken."

The aroma hit CJ as she drew close, causing her stomach to notify her of its intention to vacate the premises. Covering her nose and mouth with her hand, she tried to take several cleansing breaths. Her body didn't cooperate. She only managed to splutter, "I--I--need--bathroom," before she exited the room and sprinted down the corridor.

Doubled over and on her knees, she began to sob between heaves. She flushed the toilet and collapsed, tears running freely.

"CJ? Can I come in?"

She managed a weak, "Yeah."

Abbey took one look at her and went straight to the sink. She handed CJ a glass of water and placed a cold damp cloth on the back of her neck.

CJ rinsed her mouth and then leaned her head back against the wall.

Abbey gently stroked strands of wayward hair behind her ear, before cupping her cheek. "How long?"

"A couple of weeks. Just can't quite shake this flu."

In a no-nonsense tone, Abbey replied, "You know what I mean."

With a sense of relief, CJ freed her secret. "Ten weeks," she whispered.

"So..." Abbey quickly calculated. "November?"

"Around the 29th."

Abbey smiled. "Might be a Thanksgiving present."

"Hadn't even thought of that. Been too busy throwing up morning and night." CJ shifted to try and find a more comfortable position on the tiles. She'd lost what little padding her backside had in the last few weeks.

Abbey grabbed a towel and folded it, offering it to CJ. "That better?" At CJ's nod she sat down beside her. "You definitely become intimately acquainted with the bathroom floor." She put her arm around CJ's back.

"I've spent a few nights sleeping on it," CJ snorted. She relaxed into the embrace and lowered her head to rest on Abbey's shoulder.

Stroking CJ's cheek, Abbey enquired, "What can you eat?"

"Anything plain. I think it was the smell of the sauce that set me off. No sauces, dressings, anything with a strong aroma."

"Chicken pieces and boiled rice?" She continued after CJ nodded. "Sounds good. I'll go and get them started."

CJ sat up and protested. "You don't have to eat what I'm having. Someone should enjoy their food."

"And exactly how am I going to enjoy my food if you're struggling not to heave? When I was pregnant with the girls, Jed had to eat whatever I was eating if he wanted to sit at the same table. And there were some things that were banned if I was in the house."

"Chilli?"

"Actually, I developed quite a hankering for chilli with Zoey." Abbey laughed at CJ's incredulous expression. "You'll find you have some weird tastes." Standing, she pointed towards the sink. "There's mouth wash in the cabinet. Come back when you're ready."

CJ returned to the sitting room five minutes later and was ushered to the couch.

"Dinner will be about twenty minutes."

CJ nodded. "If you want to ask anything, go ahead." Her nervousness was reflected in her constant hand movement and stiff posture.

Abbey sat on the seat directly opposite. "Does anyone else know?"

"Apart from my doctors, no. And I want to keep it that way for a few more weeks." She pursed her lips and shrugged. "Though now I don't know whether I can. You worked it out and you've barely seen me in the last month."

Leaning across, Abbey placed her hand over CJ's. "Which is one of the reasons I did figure it out. Plus I've been through this a couple of times, I know the symptoms." Abbey continued in a conspiratorial whisper. "They're men, CJ. They're not known for their observational powers. In fact, you could probably give birth in the Oval Office and they'd still be oblivious."

CJ grimaced. "Thanks for that image!"

"You'll be able to keep it quiet for a few weeks at least. You're not going to wake up one morning with a suddenly protruding stomach. Have you seen an obstetrician?"

"I had the first visit on Saturday with Dr. Martin."

"She's good." Abbey nodded. "Any problems?"

"Apart from chronic hypertension that might retard the baby's growth or turn into pre-eclampsia, and a one in seventy chance of Down Syndrome, I'm fine." CJ's voice began to break between 'retard' and 'chance'. She bit her lip and clenched her fists in a recovery attempt.

"CJ." Abbey slid onto the floor in front of CJ and began to rub her arms. In a low soothing tone, she said, "Let it out, Sweetie."

CJ shuddered with the suppressed emotions as Abbey moved one hand to caress her cheek.

"Come on, Sweetie. Let it go."

Shaking her head, CJ avoided eye contact, until Abbey captured her face and forced it. The barriers imploded.

"I don't know what I'm doing," CJ blurted out, before collapsing into Abbey's embrace.

Abbey rocked her, while stroking her cheek and whispering encouragement for the emotional purge. The tension trickled from CJ's body and she gradually relaxed against Abbey.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled into Abbey's shoulder.

"Why? You needed that. Between the hormones and the stress..." Abbey shifted so she could look at CJ. "Don't you dare be sorry." She placed a hand on either side of CJ's face and kissed her forehead, before handing her tissues. "Now, dinner is ready and I think we would both feel better after some food."

They ate at a sedate pace, discussing the medical problems and the pros and cons of various tests.

"I'll call tomorrow to make an appointment for the CVS," CJ stated, as they returned to the couch.

Abbey nodded, taking CJ's hand in hers. "It'll help settle some of your worries. I know it's hard, but you need to try and focus on the here and now, not what-ifs." She paused. "Do you have someone to share the decisions with?"

"If you're asking whether the father's involved, no, he's not. He doesn't know and I want to keep it that way."

Abbey's voice was tinged with concern. "How are you going to keep it from him? It's going to be pretty obvious in a couple of months."

"I doubt I'll see him again." CJ felt her face flush hot as she stared at her shoes. "I met him in a bar, we were both a little drunk and we went back to his hotel room. We only exchanged first names." A chuckle broke free. "Well, we actually exchanged a little more than that." She couldn't look at Abbey, didn't want to see her disappointment. "I'm pretty sure he's from out of town and there must be a few thousand men named Mark with blue eyes out there."

CJ stood and walked over to the fireplace, shocked to see the gaunt and tired stranger in the mirror. "He didn't sign up for this."

"Neither did you."

She felt Abbey beside her, but kept staring straight ahead.

"Why are you going ahead with the pregnancy?"

The ticking of the clock on the mantle pounded into her skull. She fumbled for an explanation before realizing there wasn't one.

"I don't know. It--I mean, I have no qualms about abortion and I've never seriously thought about kids." CJ returned to the couch. "I was shocked at first, but I haven't considered any option other than having the baby. It just..." She looked up at Abbey, trying to find the words. "It just feels right." She raised her hands in confusion.

Abbey smiled reassuringly. "Yeah, it's a bit like that." She settled next to CJ. "So, when's your next appointment?"

"I have to see her every two weeks." CJ was immensely grateful for the change in subject. The next hour was spent discussing various aspects of pregnancy and work.

"You'd better go home to bed, Ms. Cregg," Abbey joked, after CJ had yawned for the third time in five minutes.

CJ rolled her eyes. "I've never been so tired or slept so much. But no matter how much I sleep, I'm still tired."

"They start preparing you for the sleep deprivation early. Do you have any pregnancy books?"

Shaking her head, CJ replied, "I'd feel more comfortable walking into a shop and buying porn."

"Tell you what, I'll get a couple of the best ones, and," Abbey leaned in and whispered, "I'll deliver them in a plain brown paper bag."

"Thank you," CJ laughed. "Thanks for everything."

Abbey embraced her. "When you need to talk, don't hesitate. I'm here for you. Now, go home and get to bed."

"Yes, Mom."

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