TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (3/12)
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.
Full notes in Chapter 1.

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The envelope was heavy in her hands. It contained only a single sheet of paper, but her uncertain future weighed it down.

"CJ."

She looked up.

"You can go in now."

Standing, she replied, "Thank you, Charlie."

She'd made the appointment for the end of the day, hoping there would be less chance of interruptions. Charlie closed the door after she entered, and a brief wave of panic broke over her as she looked around the room.

Leo was settled on the couch, while the President placed folders on his desk. He removed his glasses and greeted her.

"Good evening, CJ. What can we do for you?"

She nodded. "Sir, Leo."

"Sit. Would you like a drink?"

"Water, thank you." She perched gingerly on the couch opposite Leo. The President handed her a glass and sat in the chair to her left. She took several gulps, trying to rehydrate her mouth.

"CJ?" Leo raised his eyebrows in question.

She placed the glass and then the envelope on the low table between them. The men looked at the paper, at each other, and then back to her.

"I hope that isn't what I think it is," commented the President.

CJ clasped her hands on her lap. "If you're thinking it's my resignation, you'd be correct, Sir."

Leo leaned forward. "What's going on, CJ?"

"I'm not saying I am resigning, just that if you want me to, I'm offering. You don't have to ask."

The President's forehead wrinkled in consternation. "Why would we ask you to resign, CJ?"

She'd rehearsed this scene in her mind ever since she'd heard the news. And she still didn't know how to say it. It had been a relief when Abbey asked; she hadn't had to repeat those words that had provoked such heartache only a month ago. She wasn't sure she could ever use those exact words again.

Straightening her spine and pushing her shoulders back, she took a deep breath and exhaled the sentence. "Because in the near future I'm going to become a liability to you and the administration."

"You planning on asking for a recount?"

"No, Sir." Just get it over with. "In six to seven months, I'm going to be a single mother."

She watched a multitude of emotions flicker over their faces. Surprise, confusion, pleasure, disappointment...at that instant she picked up the envelope and held it out to Leo.

He glanced at it, then at the President, before shaking his head. She didn't lower her arm.

The President reached out and placed his hand on hers. "Put it down, CJ. In fact, take it off the table."

"Sir."

"I'm not asking for your resignation and I'm not going to accept it." He slipped the envelope out of her hand and placed it on the couch beside her.

Maybe he'd only heard the mother part. "Sir, I'm doing this by myself. The father isn't going to be involved in the baby's life."

An expression somewhere between a smile and irritation appeared on his face. "I'm quite aware of what single means, CJ."

"The Christian Right, the Republicans, the press, will all have a field day attacking this administration's stance on family values."

He leaned forward and looked directly into her eyes. "And what reflects those values more than welcoming another member into this family." Pausing, he studied her. "Do you want to leave? They'll be hard on you. There will be personal attacks."

"I know." She nodded and automatically placed the hand he wasn't holding on her abdomen. "This is a surprise, but no one is going to make me feel ashamed." Studying Leo's face, she tried to get some sense of his analysis of the political situation. But he was giving nothing away.

"Do you want to leave?" the President repeated.

"If I stay, my doctor's ordering me to cut back to normal people hours or she'll confine me to bed rest." CJ was giving them every opportunity to cut her loose.

Leo spoke up. "Henry and Simon can take over some of your workload and cover weekends. We can work that out."

"I may need to cut back further and bed rest is still a possibility later in the pregnancy. And I'll need time off for tests and appointments." She couldn't turn her mouth off. "I'll probably need to take a nap during the day and--"

"CJ, stop!" the President ordered. "No matter how hard you try, you're not going to talk me into asking for your resignation. I'm quite aware that adjustments will be needed. If you remember, I do have three children of my own and Leo has one. I want you to stay. The only question is, do you want to?"

She looked to Leo again, seeking guidance. The President squeezed her hand to get her attention back.

"Stop trying to get Leo's approval. I'm the President and I've made the decision. Do you want to stay?"

CJ breathed deeply, before allowing herself a small smile. "I serve at the pleasure of the President."

"So, you do remember who I am," he joked. "Congratulations, CJ. When is my honorary grandchild due?"

"End of November, I'm twelve weeks." She allowed her body to relax slightly, leaning back into the couch.

"When are you telling the rest of the Senior Staff?" Leo inquired.

"I'd like to leave it another two weeks. I'm having a test on Thursday to make sure everything's okay and if it isn't..." She swallowed and fought to contain the worry. "There's no point in anyone else knowing if there isn't going to be anything to know. I'd wanted to wait till after the test before I told you, but my doctor insisted that I had to cut back on work now."

The President's tone was full of concern. "How serious are the problems, CJ?"

"I have high blood pressure and, if it isn't controlled, it could be extremely dangerous for both of us. I saw my obstetrician two days ago and my blood pressure has risen more than she's happy with over the last two weeks."

The two men were listening intently, fathers who understood the joys and tribulations of impending parenthood.

"Hopefully," she continued, "reducing my work hours and getting this test out of the way will help stabilize my blood pressure."

Jed Bartlet shifted forward to sit on the edge of his chair, took her hands in his and rubbed his thumbs across her knuckles. "We'll help in any way we can, just let us know. I know I take you all for granted, but I deeply appreciate the sacrifices you make for this administration, for me. Let me do this for you."

She coughed to clear the lump in her throat and blinked back tears. "Thank you, Sir."

He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "Congratulations, Claudia Jean. You're going to be a wonderful mom."

"I hope so. I'm just a little new to this."

Leo grinned. "You'll be fine. You've been dealing with Josh, Sam, Toby and him," he pointed at the President, who effected a 'Who me?' expression, "for over four years. A baby will be a picnic. They don't answer back for the first few years and you've got quite the height advantage."

She smiled at Leo, before turning back to ask the President a favor. "Sir, if it's all right with you, I'd like to ask the First Lady to come to the test with me."

"You don't need my approval. You're free to ask Abbey whatever you want. I'm assuming my wife already knows?" He sounded a little disappointed that he wasn't the first.

"She's known for nearly two weeks. She invited me over for dinner and I threw up. A bit of a giveaway." CJ smiled gratefully. "She's been a wonderful support when I've needed it most."

"Well, you've got some added support now."

"Thank you, Sir."

They stood together and the President embraced her. Pulling apart, CJ looked to Leo, who indicated for her to go to his office.

She went through and waited nervously. This was going to be the hard part. Leo alone, on his turf. While he cared about his staff, Leo was a seasoned political operative, determined to head off scandal and problems before they threatened the President. He'd cut her loose if she proved too big a liability. And she was definitely going to be big.

Which was one reason she'd gone about the revelation the way she had. Make sure Leo was in the room when she told the President; he'd have to follow the President's lead. Offer her resignation to show she was thinking about the political ramifications. She was the spin queen. And she was going to need all her magic over the next few months.

The door to the Oval Office closed, shutting her in. She remained in front of his desk, maintaining her height advantage. Not that it had done her any good in the past, but it helped her mental preparation.

"Do you want to sit down?"

She shook her head.

Leo wasn't meeting her eyes. He sat down and shuffled a couple of folders on his desk. She had to stop herself from biting her lip as the silence extended.

"Is Danny Concannon the father?"

"I didn't realize that not having his baby was included in the numerous warnings you gave me to stay away from him," she snapped. "God, Leo!"

"Hey!" He held his hands up. "I had to ask. I need to know if the father will cause problems."

"I highly doubt it. I don't think he even knew who I was." She shuffled her feet, feeling like a teenager caught breaking curfew. "I'm sorry for the trouble this is going to cause, but I'm not going to be sorry for being pregnant." Her jaw set in determination and she pointed to her left. "I was looking for your guidance in there, but you weren't giving me anything."

Leo was calm and analytical. "The President made his decision. But I have the firing ability and if this blows up, the administration has to come first."

"Yes, Sir." She held the envelope out to him. "Do you want to keep it on file?"

He waved it off. "You've got a test on Thursday?"

"Yeah." Her hand fell back down to her side, the paper scrunching between her fingers.

The skin surrounding his eyes crinkled with concern. "What's it for?"

Her legs were starting to wobble, but it was too late to sit down. "It's called chorionic villus sampling. It tests for Down Syndrome and other chromosome problems."

"Do you need Friday off?"

"No."

"Right." He picked up his pen and pulled a folder in front of him. "Let me know what hours you can work and how you want to divide the rest between Henry and Simon." Putting on his glasses, he looked over the top of the rims at her. "You do understand that we will need you for emergencies, no matter when they occur?"

"I understand."

His attention turned to the folder and she was dismissed.

"CJ."

Her hand was on the doorknob. She stopped and turned her head towards him.

There was that trademark smile. "Congratulations, Kid."

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Goosebumps rose on bare legs, hands clenched and extended, feet wandered.

"You're going to wear a hole in the floor."

CJ paused and turned to her companion. "I'm the paragon of calm."

"Keep telling yourself that." Abbey grinned in return.

The door opened, admitting Dr. Martin and another woman.

"Hello, CJ. This is Susan. She'll be helping out with the ultrasound."

CJ greeted Susan and introduced Abbey.

"Right." Dr. Martin indicated for CJ to sit on the examination couch. "We went over the risks and benefits of the CVS again on Saturday. You understand there is approximately a one percent miscarriage rate attributed to CVS at this center?"

CJ nodded.

"And on top of this, at least a two and a half percent background risk. You know the risks and are making an informed decision?"

"Yes."

"Okay." The doctor handed her a clipboard. "Read that and if you agree, sign it."

CJ read, signed, and returned it, before lying down on the couch. Abbey took up a position on her left side.

"Your bladder is full?"

"Definitely," CJ snorted.

"Just need to hold it a bit longer." Dr. Martin smiled. "We'll start with an ultrasound so you'll be able to see your baby. We tend to get really good scans at this point in the pregnancy. Would you like a picture?"

"Yes, please," CJ replied, as her gown and sheet were adjusted to expose her abdomen. She had tensed in expectation when the gel was squirted on her skin. "I thought that was supposed to be cold?"

"Only the premium service here." The transducer began to move over her abdomen. "I've had a few scans myself and always hated the cold. So I make sure we warm the gel."

CJ reached for the comfort of Abbey's hand.

"Okay." Dr. Martin turned the screen towards CJ. "There's your baby."

Swallowing a sob, CJ touched her child as it moved on the screen. The baby was facing upwards, the entire body visible in profile.

"Amazing, isn't it. Most parents who have a scan this early are surprised by how formed their baby is." The doctor pointed out some features. "There's the heart, can't see most of the other internal organs at this stage. Spine, arms, legs."

"Can you tell if there's any problems?" CJ asked hesitantly.

"Everything looks normal. We're just going to measure from the top of the head to the tip of the bottom to check dates." Dr. Martin continued to talk as she took the measurement and her assistant checked a chart. "Up until twenty to twenty-four weeks, all babies grow at the same rate. And this one is right on average for eleven weeks, as we'd assumed."

Sighing with relief, CJ squeezed Abbey's hand and turned to smile at her. She caught a glimpse of confusion before Abbey smiled back. CJ's attention was brought back to Dr. Martin, preventing any analysis or questions.

"I've taken the picture. We'll start the CVS now."

CJ tensed as her feet were placed in the stirrups and an antiseptic solution was applied.

The doctor squeezed her knee. "CJ, you need to try and relax. You should only feel some discomfort similar to a pap smear. If you'd like, I can tell you exactly what I'm doing."

CJ nodded as Abbey tightened her hold.

"Okay." She rubbed the metal instrument in her hands. "I'm warming up the speculum. Then, just like in a pap smear, I'll pass it into the vagina so I can see the cervix. Here we go."

Abbey's free hand stroked CJ's cheek. "Look at me."

"CJ, I have to hold the cervix with forceps, so you may feel a pinching sensation."

CJ kept her eyes fixed on Abbey, as she replied quietly, "Okay." She winced as the forceps grabbed, and tried to concentrate on the comforting movement of the ultrasound transducer across her abdomen.

"Right. I'm inserting the catheter, and with Susan's help, I can see it passing through the cervix and I'm now guiding it into the placenta. Can you feel anything?"

"It's like a light brushing."

"Good. I'm applying suction with the syringe." Dr. Martin paused for a minute. "And now I'm withdrawing the catheter. Susan will check we have enough villi."

CJ tried to lift her head to see the activity at the other end of the couch. Abbey placed her hand on CJ's shoulder to push her back down.

"We've got enough, CJ."

A held breath blew out through CJ's lips.

"The forceps are letting go and I'm removing the speculum."

Her legs were taken out of the stirrups and after a few minutes, Dr. Martin appeared at CJ's side.

"We'll check the pregnancy and the baby's heart beat now." The transducer stroked across her skin again. "And Baby Cregg is trying to punch me."

CJ turned to see the screen, laughing at the image of a tiny raised fist.

"In about two months you'll be able to feel that fist." Dr. Martin continued her observations. "Everything looks good."

The transducer was removed and the gel wiped off, before sheet and gown covered up her skin.

"Can I go to the bathroom?"

"Not yet." The doctor smiled at CJ's groan. "You need to lie here for a short time. I'll be back in fifteen to twenty minutes. Here." She handed CJ the ultrasound picture. "Look at your baby."

Silence reigned as CJ studied the picture with the concentration and attention to detail usually reserved for briefing preparation.

"It's real. There's actually a tiny little human in there," she whispered in wonderment.

"You were expecting a kitten or puppy?" Abbey deadpanned from the chair she'd pulled up next to the couch.

"Stranger things have happened. Though," CJ ran one hand over her stomach, "me being pregnant is pretty high on the list."

Abbey overlaid CJ's hand with her own. "It's all that husband of mine can talk about. He's as excited as when Liz was pregnant."

CJ blinked away tears and struggled to find her voice. "Thank you, Abbey. For being here with me, for everything. I never thought it would be so hard doing this alone, and I'm not even a third of the way through."

"Hey." Abbey lapsed into mother tone. "You're not alone. I'm here whenever you need me. Jed's already making plans to set up a nursery. Leo's office is the preferred site."

CJ burst out laughing. "Has he told Leo?"

"He wants it to be a surprise." Abbey's face softened as she stroked CJ's hair. "And while he may not be showing it, Leo is happy for you. He thinks of you as a daughter. This baby is going to have more grandparents and aunts and uncles than she or he will know what to do with. Your reporters will probably want to adopt Baby Cregg too."

CJ couldn't prevent herself from flinching and hoped Abbey hadn't noticed. No such luck.

"I know the media attention will be overwhelming and critical at first, but you have a good close relationship with most of the room."

She didn't reveal just how close that relationship had been, quickly changing the subject to pregnancy symptoms and milestones. An internal sigh of relief spread through her body with the return of Dr. Martin.

After a quick check over, CJ was helped to a sitting position.

"Okay. I want you to take it easy for the rest of the day, but you'll be fine to return to work tomorrow." Dr. Martin handed CJ a leaflet. "That tells you what to look out for. You may have some bleeding, that's very common. If the bleeding continues, or you have pain, a temperature or lose clear fluid, contact me and go straight to the hospital. The results should be back by your next appointment. Think about whether you want to know the sex of the baby."

CJ's eyes widened in surprise. "I can find out this early?"

"If you want to. There is a bathroom down the corridor and to the left with your name on it."

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Movement in the doorway caught the edge of her attention, but she didn't raise her eyes from the papers on her desk.

"If you don't stop hovering, Carol--"

"I've been mistaken for many people, but never Carol."

She looked up, smiling in apology. "Didn't see the hair."

"Why's Carol hovering?" Josh entered, closing the door behind him.

"She's just waiting on me to finish some forms." CJ waved her hand at a random pile of folders. "What can I do for you, Joshua?"

He stood in front of her desk, rocking nervously on his heels. "I need to talk to you."

CJ rolled her eyes and let out a resigned sigh. "What did you do now?"

"Why do you always expect the worst?" Josh complained.

"Because in my experience 'I need to talk to you' never ends well in this building."

"You are a pessimist and I actually haven't done anything." He placed his hands on her desk and leaned forward. "It's you I want to talk about."

Struggling to keep her stomach under control, CJ swallowed and managed to keep her facial expression neutral. "What have I done?"

"Have you got cancer?" Josh blurted, his face betraying his fears.

CJ was stunned mute, before managing to piece together a sentence. "No! What makes you think that?"

"You've cut back on work, you were away yesterday for some test. Is it something like MS?"

"I'm not sick, Josh." She had no choice. Walking around the desk, she pulled him to the couch and held his hands tight. "I'm having a baby."

Joshua Lyman was rarely silent. But it took a full minute for his voice to function again. "You're pregnant?"

"The two usually go together. I'm twelve weeks, due at the end of November. The test I had yesterday is called a CVS, it's to check the baby's chromosomes."

"You're having a baby?"

CJ smiled. "It was a surprise to me too."

His gaze dipped to her stomach. "I'm going to be an uncle." His eyes returned to her face in a sudden panic. "Sorry. I shouldn't have assumed anything."

"Of course you're going to be an uncle. This is going to be a much-loved baby." Her voice broke as Josh pulled her into his arms. "Damn hormones," she whispered into his neck.

"Congratulations, Mom."

She laughed as she pulled away and brushed her eyes. "That sounds really weird."

Josh grabbed a tissue from the box on the coffee table and handed it to her. "So, this is the real reason Carol's hovering?"

"Yeah. She's driving me nuts." Pointing a finger at him, she warned, "Don't you start, otherwise you will experience the true wrath of pregnancy hormones."

"Worse than the usual wrath of Claudia Jean?" At her nod, Josh held up his hands in surrender. "I'll be good."

She snorted. "You really think you can be?"

"Yeah." He flashed his dimples and placed his hand on top of hers. "So, who's the lucky guy? I didn't even know you were seeing anybody."

Her years at the podium had been a good training ground, helping to perfect her game face. Only a select few could see through it, Toby and--no, that was how she got herself into this situation in the first place. Concentrate and maintain.

"I'm not. I'm doing this myself." She clasped his hand between hers. "So, the uncles are going to be very important role models."

"Me? A role model?"

"I don't know what I'm thinking. Must be true that pregnancy clouds the senses." CJ smiled at him, before adopting a serious tone. "I need you to keep quiet about this. I'm not ready to broadcast it."

Josh nodded. "Who knows?"

"The President and First Lady, and Leo. And of course Carol. I'll tell Sam and Toby later today. I'd wanted to wait until I got the test results, just in case."

"Sorry. When do you get them?"

"Don't be sorry for caring." She brushed her hand across his cheek. "Hopefully the results will be ready next Saturday."

A knock at the door prevented further discussion.

"Yeah?"

The door opened to reveal Carol.

"CJ, there's a phone call you need to take."

"Okay, thanks." CJ waited for the door to close again before standing. She noticed Josh examining her abdomen and ran her hands over the area. "Just a tiny bump at the moment. However, my breasts are finally arriving a quarter of a century late."

Josh wrinkled his nose as he stood. "I really didn't need to know that."

"You're not going to volunteer to be my birthing coach?"

"I'll stick to Uncle. Less messy."

CJ grinned. "Dirty diapers, baby puke and drool."

Visibly blanching, he replied, "I'll have my lawyer draw up an exception clause to be inserted in the Uncle contract."

"Get out."

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