TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (4/12)
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.
Full notes in Chapter 1.

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CJ looked over her living room once more. No incriminating evidence in sight.

Sam had reacted much the same as Josh, with excitement and little questioning. Toby wouldn't be as pliable; telling him away from the office seemed the wisest course of action.

He was bringing takeout for dinner. The worst of her all-day sickness had passed and she was back to eating practically anything. She was also starting to regain the weight she'd lost, much to her doctor's relief.

Hopefully Toby wouldn't be too suspicious; dinner together wasn't an unusual occurrence. Though if Josh had noticed something was going on...

That line of thought was temporarily derailed by a knock at the door.

Discussion over dinner was restricted to work and mutual friends. She ate well, even with the growing tension in her body.

"So, is it time now?" Toby grumbled, tossing his napkin onto his plate.

"Time for what?" she asked, keeping her eyes on a broken fortune cookie discarded on a small pile of rice. The message had not been encouraging. 'The truth may be painful for the teller, but liars are punished many times.'

His fingers drummed impatiently on the table top. "Time for you to tell me whatever it is that you drug me over here to tell me."

Standing up, CJ began gathering up the leftovers. "Does there have to be a problem for us to have dinner?" she stalled, still undecided whether to go with Plan A or Plan B. Plan A was the speech she'd used on Josh and Sam. Plan B was to just throw the ultrasound picture at him and hit the floor before the explosions started. Surely there had to be another option. Damn that fortune cookie anyway.

Toby pushed back from the table and brought his wine glass to his lips. "We've hardly had dinner together in the last six months."

"We've been busy." She took a quick sip of her orange juice, hoping he wouldn't press that particular issue.

He returned to his initial questioning. "Is it your father? Is he getting worse?"

"No. Dad's the same," she said, stacking the used dishes and carrying them into the kitchen. She called back, "Do you want coffee?"

"If it's not your father, what's wrong? You've cut back on work this week."

"Coffee?" she repeated, hiding in the kitchen.

"Forget the damn coffee, CJ," he shouted, appearing in the doorway behind her. She continued to measure the beans into the fancy coffee maker, as he added, "Quit stalling. Just tell me."

Adding water to the machine, she took a deep breath. He was right. It was time. Toby was her best friend. He'd understand, eventually. Fingering the scan in her pocket, she decided to go with Plan B.

"Take a look at this," CJ calmly demanded, handing him her baby's first photograph. "I'm going down to the corner to pick up some cream for the coffee. I'll take limited questions when I get back."

"You're giving me a press briefing?" she heard him mutter, as the apartment door slammed shut behind her.

With her long legs, the round trip normally took five minutes. She tripled the time, debating the merits of two brands of cream, and trying to foretell her next craving.

She headed straight for the kitchen on arriving home, setting up mugs and sundries on a tray.

"Should you be drinking that?"

"I have an obstetrician, thank you." She closed her eyes for a few seconds. Calm down, he doesn't deserve to have his head bitten off. In a softer tone, she continued, "I'm allowed two cups a day. This is the second."

He picked up the tray, cutting her off before she could protest. "I know you're capable. Grab the cookies."

CJ trailed behind him into the living room, claiming the single chair while Toby settled on the couch. The scan lay on the coffee table next to the tray.

"When was it taken?" Toby handed her a mug as he spoke.

She clasped both hands around the mug in an effort to keep them steady. "Yesterday. I'm twelve weeks, due end of November."

"When did you find out?" His tone was calm and even.

She hadn't looked at his face since her return, relying instead on his voice to gauge his reactions. "Early April. I'd wanted to wait until I was safely into the second trimester before I told anybody, but it hasn't worked out that way."

The cogs turning in his brain were practically audible as she stared into her coffee. She sneaked a look at him, finding his mouth pursed. No, please don't go there.

"And he moved to the other side of the country," Toby growled.

CJ tried to sound nonchalant. "Who are you talking about?"

"Concannon." He managed to make it sound like a curse.

"What the hell is it with you and Leo?" She slammed her mug down on the table. "Danny's the only one who's paid me any attention over the last couple of years, so it must be him? No one else could find me attractive?"

"CJ--"

She wasn't going to let him speak. "For your information, though it's none of your damn business, the father's name is Mark." A snort erupted at his questioning expression. "Yes, Toby. I'm working my way through the press corps. Katie is next."

He looked slightly abashed. "I didn't know you were seeing anyone. Why haven't you mentioned this Mark?"

"I only saw him for one night."

"You know his surname?" He took her silence as a negative. "You're damn lucky he didn't go to the tabloids."

CJ stood and walked over to the bookcase. "I don't think he knew who I was. He was pretty drunk."

"Obviously not too drunk."

She turned her head and glared at him. "Just be happy I waited until after re-election to get knocked up."

"What the hell were you thinking?" Toby rose and began to pace, his hand rubbing his head. "Were you thinking at all? You're the face of this administration. You can't go out picking up men."

"Thank you, Toby. I didn't realize that." Her voice dropped to an almost accusatory tone. "I was drunk and horny. And you know better than anyone what a bad combination that is."

"So you screwing a stranger is somehow my fault?" Toby yelled. "Didn't you take any notice of the sex education report? If you're going to sleep around, at least use condoms. They help prevent mistakes." His hand gestured towards her stomach.

It would have hurt less if he'd hit her. She was finding it hard to breathe and had to speak in short bursts. "Don't you--don't you ever--call my child a mistake. You know where the door is."

She walked quickly to her bedroom and slammed the door behind her. Sobs exploded from within, the wall the only thing keeping her upright. Her stomach gave her just enough warning to make it to the toilet.

After flushing the toilet, she felt around on the sink for a hair clip. Nothing. Must be in the mirrored cabinet and there was no way she could stand.

"What do you need?"

"Hair clip." She pointed to the cabinet, before tearing off toilet paper and blowing her nose. "Thanks."

She clipped her hair back and rinsed her mouth with the water Toby handed her, before leaning against the bath.

"Do you want to get up?"

CJ shook her head. "I just need to stay here for a while. You can go. I'll be fine." She lifted her chin in defiance.

He didn't reply, instead moving to sit on the edge of the bath beside her. His hand began to stroke her hair and she slowly relaxed, her head coming to rest against his knee.

Five minutes of comfortable silence later, she felt ready to stand. But her stomach protested the increase in altitude and she was once again hanging over the toilet. Toby rubbed her back as she threw up the remnants of the day's meals. After several dry heaves she indicated for him to help her up.

"You sure?"

"I'll be fine now. There's nothing left." Standing with his support, she brushed her teeth and splashed water on her face.

He offered her privacy by fetching a glass of ginger ale, while she changed into blue pajamas and crawled under the covers.

"Drink that, and this is if you need to be sick again." He held up a plastic container, before placing it on the bedside table.

She shifted across to let him sit on the bed. "Thanks, Mom."

"Does she know?"

She shook her head as she sipped the ginger ale. "After I get the test results, I'll ask Leo about taking a couple of days off to go over and see them. Dad remembers things better face to face. And," CJ's voice began to break, "I really need a cuddle from my mom."

Toby took the glass out of her hand and put it next to the container, before pulling her to him. She rested her head on his shoulder and sobbed quietly.

"I'm starting to make a habit of this." CJ smiled weakly and grabbed a couple of tissues from the bedside table.

Toby studied the blanket and coughed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." He met her eyes hesitantly. "I'm worried about you."

CJ placed her hand over his and squeezed. "And I didn't want you to be disappointed in me." She shook her head. "We've known each other for way too long."

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yes." She was surprised by the certainty in her voice.

Toby accepted it as given. "Do the President and Leo know?"

"I told them Monday on doctor's orders. The President's planning nurseries and Leo's...Leo." Pausing, she tried to work out how to ask him. She started nervously. "You don't need to answer now, you've got six months to decide. And I totally understand if you say no--"

"I would like some sleep before work tomorrow," Toby grumbled.

It came out in a rush. "Would you be the godfather of my child?"

"You do realize I'm Jewish?"

"Really? How did I miss that?" She was rewarded with a flicker of a smirk. "We're not what you'd call strict Catholics. Hogan's godfather is agnostic."

His mouth twisted in contemplation. "You don't have a problem with your child being indoctrinated into the true faith?"

"The Yankees?"

"Life member."

Smiling, she replied, "I can live with that."

"I'd be honored." He sandwiched her hand between his as she yawned. "You'd better get some sleep."

"Everyone hovering is going to drive me nuts." CJ slid down under the covers until she was completely horizontal.

"Get used to it. I'll stay till you fall asleep." He put his hand over her mouth. "And don't bother protesting. Doesn't work on me."

She rolled her eyes before closing them. "You are a pain in the ass, Toby Zeigler."

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"You've seen Dr. Martin?" were Abbey's words of greeting on a Saturday afternoon.

"Hello, Abbey. How are you?" CJ teased as she entered the sitting room. "Can I get in the door first?"

Abbey closed the door behind them. "Hello, CJ. I'm fine. And no." They exchanged kisses, before Abbey led her to the couch. "You've seen Dr. Martin?"

CJ laughed. "I'm surprised you didn't crash my appointment."

"I considered it." Abbey grinned. "From your mood, I'd say it's good news."

"All clear," CJ replied, nodding. "There could still be problems, of course, but Down Syndrome and a whole lot of other things are ruled out."

Abbey squeezed CJ's hands. "That's wonderful, CJ. A huge worry off your shoulders."

"She still isn't happy with my blood pressure, but hopefully it'll start to stabilize now. And in the next couple of weeks my weight should be in the normal range."

"Orange juice?" Abbey rose and poured two glasses. "Anything else?"

"No, that was it. Thanks." CJ took a sip, feeling Abbey's questioning gaze on her, but determined to string her out a little longer. "How's your week been?"

"Quiet. Couple of meetings, organizing a dinner for next week. How's the hovering going?"

"They're learning to be more discreet about it. Josh and Toby are the worst, while your husband just comes straight out and asks." CJ rolled her eyes.

Abbey laughed. "Lizzie will commiserate with you. She was looking into justifiable homicide laws."

"I'll check with Ron. I hope the President wasn't counting on another grandson." CJ waited for the reaction.

Realization took a minute, a smile spreading across Abbey's face. "As much as he complains, he adores being surrounded by his girls. She will be the Princess of the West Wing."

"I thought that was my title." CJ pouted. "At least it's staying in the family."

Abbey studied her reactions. "You happy about it?"

"Yeah. I hadn't give much thought to the sex, too worried about the tests. And I wouldn't have minded either way." CJ felt tears trying to escape at the image of a tall-for-her-age child with red curls sitting at the feet of Josiah Bartlet, the men of the West Wing enamored by playful blue eyes. "I like the idea of a daughter. My daughter." She rubbed her hand over her stomach and nodded.

Abbey stretched and placed her hand on CJ's. "If you ever need any advice, I've had a little experience with daughters," she commented dryly.

"Only a little?" CJ grinned and lifted her eyebrows.

"So, what's next?"

"A blood test for spina bifida around seventeen weeks, then the normal ultrasound at eighteen to twenty. Dr. Martin thinks I might need a couple more after that to check she's growing properly."

"And when are you going to tell the father?"

The furniture was fortunate she didn't have a mouthful of juice. "Even if I knew his surname and where he lived, I wouldn't be telling him. He's not a part of this."

"I'm not talking about Mark." Abbey emphasized the name. "I mean the real father."

CJ struggled to maintain her composure and silently cursed Abbey's damn intuition. "Mark is the real father."

"How pregnant are you, CJ?"

"Thirteen weeks." Keep the voice steady and certain.

"Then how were you eleven weeks when you had the CVS a week ago?"

"Is that what this is about? A week?" CJ stood and walked over to pour herself more juice. Gesturing with the glass, she continued. "It's just a case of rounding. I was about eleven and a half weeks when I had the test and I'm just on thirteen now."

"So you're due?"

"November 29. I've already told you." CJ had known Abbey long enough to recognize the facial expression. "You don't believe me." It was a statement, not a question.

Abbey rose and approached her. "No, I don't. There's something else worrying you--"

"Really?" CJ's defensive shutters slammed down and her voice rose. "An unplanned pregnancy, the threat to my job and your husband's administration, what my blood pressure might do to my daughter, that's not enough?"

"CJ--"

She thumped the glass down and stalked over to the couch to retrieve her handbag. "I've got things to do. Thank you for the juice, Ma'am."

Abbey couldn't be put off that easily. "Medically--"

"You're not licensed to give medical advice," CJ snapped. She didn't need to see the flinch; she felt it from halfway across the room.

But Abbey's voice remained firm and determined. "Medically speaking, it's best for you and the baby--"

CJ swung around to face her. "You really want to know how monumentally screwed up my life is? How it's more acceptable for everyone to believe that my daughter's father is some arbitrary male I picked up at a bar and fucked, instead of..." Censoring herself, she sank onto the couch as her legs gave way.

"Danny?" Abbey knelt in front of her, tilting CJ's chin up with her hand. "This is between us, I'm not going to tell anybody. You need to talk about this, before it eats away at you."

"He was so excited about being a father," she whispered, her eyes fixed on a point over Abbey's left shoulder. "I nearly didn't...but then he mentioned our jobs and I had to lie." Her gaze met Abbey's. "He crumbled in front of me."

"And he left."

"He said he couldn't watch me pregnant with another man's child." She covered her stomach with her hands.

"Is there a Mark?"

"No, I never cheated on Danny. I just broke his heart." Her hands fell clenched into her lap, thumbs rubbing against each other. "I want to go back and stop those words, but I know if I had to do it over I would still say them."

Abbey pulled herself up onto the couch beside CJ. "You can tell him the truth."

CJ shook her head violently. "Nothing's changed. His career would be destroyed, I would lose all credibility, the President--it's going to be difficult enough with me being a single mother, but if it came out I was sleeping with one of my reporters--" She worried her bottom lip between her teeth. "I've already lied to everyone."

Abbey overlaid CJ's hands with her own, stilling the motion. "How long were you and Danny together?"

"Nearly five months. Started just after re-election. I wanted a life of my own and he was there, he was always there." She laughed, not with humor or sadness, but lost somewhere in between. "I'm making it sound like he was arbitrary. He wasn't, he's always been my choice." Her voice and eyes begged for understanding. Maybe then someone could explain it all to her heart.

Abbey reassured her with a nod and a hand squeeze.

CJ's gaze refocused on the hands in her lap. "Before he left, he told me that he'd been about to interview for an editor's job at the Post. International news, so there wouldn't be any question of conflict of interest."

"You could've told him the truth then."

"How? He was pissed as hell, he probably wouldn't have believed me." CJ stood and started to pace between the couch and the mantle piece, her hands gesturing in support of her words. "And everybody would've known. I could play with a week, but nearly two months? How could I hide that?"

Abbey remained seated. "So, it is a week?"

CJ faced the wall. It was time to level with her. "I'm due December 6. Twelve and a half weeks."

"Why a week earlier?"

"Danny was away." What a stroke of luck that had been.

"So you conceived when he got back."

CJ snorted. "Twenty-odd years of being sexually active and my diaphragm picks now to fail. The timing couldn't have been better."

Abbey was silent for a minute before asking, "Are you ever going to tell him?"

She shrugged and lowered herself to sit on the hearth. "Maybe after we've finished here."

"So you're going to present him with a three-year old?" Abbey captured her gaze and held it. "Do you really think that's fair?"

"Fair?" CJ exploded, rearing to her feet. "None of this is fucking fair. It's not fair that I'm not trusted to do my job. Because you know women will let their love lives override their professional obligations." She pointed in the direction of the West Wing. "Josh slept with a lobbyist and no one even blinked. But the slightest look between Danny and I--I never leaked anything to him. We had better things to talk about than our damn jobs."

Abbey rose and approached, but CJ held her hands up and stepped out of her path. She didn't want comfort; there was still anger to burn.

"It's not fair that she won't have her Daddy around, that Danny won't know his daughter and thinks I don't love him and was only in it for the sex." She turned and hit the mantle piece with her fist, pain radiating up her arm. The physical was preferable to the emotional. "It's not fair I had to make this choice." Thumping it again, she leaned her forehead against the ledge and tried to muffle a sob.

"Shhhh." Abbey rubbed her back and stroked the battered fist. "It's going to be okay."

CJ shook her head, before turning her tear-stained face towards Abbey. "No, it's not. Making him leave was the hardest thing I've ever done. After he left, I spent the rest of the night and the next day hanging over the toilet. Remembering that look on his face...it still makes me feel sick."

"CJ." Abbey placed the palm of her hand on CJ's cheek, the thumb caressing. "If you've made the decision not to tell him the truth, you need to move on."

"How?" she begged. "I feel him touching me and kissing me and holding me. I feel him inside me and then..." A sob broke her voice. "And then I open my eyes."

"Come and sit down." Abbey led her to the couch, holding her hands when they settled. "I won't pretend it's going to be easy. But for your health and your daughter's life, you have no choice. This level of emotional stress can't continue. When you're upset or can't stop thinking about him, I want you to come and talk to me and cry on my shoulder. I'm your outlet. Okay?"

"Okay." Maybe with Abbey's help she could do this. "I've been writing him notes in the pregnancy diary you gave me." The question was in her tone.

Abbey smiled. "That's a good idea. It's a way of getting the stress out. You can't internalize any more."

CJ bit her lip while nodding. Not trusting her voice to hold together, she whispered, "Is that shoulder available now?"

With tears in her own eyes, Abbey clasped CJ's face and kissed her on the forehead. "Of course, Sweetie. Let it out."

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