TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (5/12)
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.
Full notes in Chapter 1.

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Each mile she put between herself and San Francisco released an ounce of pressure from around her heart. Landing at SFO, she'd panicked, expecting to see him around every corner. She knew logically the chances were close to negligible, but the city felt infused with his presence.

Her foot itched to press the gas pedal flat to the floor, to escape the guilt, to stop her heart from hijacking her body and taking her to confess.

With up to two hours of driving ahead of her, she'd tuned the car radio to a talk station. Arguing with the moron of an announcer and his groupies kept her brain at least partially distracted. She'd chosen the more scenic route over the Golden Gate Bridge and north through Marin County, giving her ten extra miles to prepare for seeing her parents.

Swinging left off Highway 37 and onto Highway 121 North, her stomach and bladder demanded a stop. She should have eaten lunch when she got off the plane, but couldn't bear to stay in San Francisco any longer than absolutely necessary.

If she remembered correctly, there was a large winery with the required amenities on the right. She spotted a sign and minutes later turned into the parking area. After a dash to the toilet, she bought lunch and settled herself in the picnic area. The sky was a clear, deep Californian blue, the sun warm on her back. This was a proper summer, not the fetid swamp that was DC. She was beginning to wonder how she'd be able to cope with July and August. Her thermostat was already running above normal and, from what the books said, it was only going to get worse.

She could always move back here. There'd be jobs in San Francisco, she could be close to--

CJ shook the thought out of her head. She'd made her choice, she had to get on and live with it.

She ran her hand over her abdomen, the slight rounding only just discernible to the touch. Would her mother take one look at her and know? Her brand new breasts would probably give the secret away. They'd managed to defy her weight loss. Wonder what Danny would think--

She threw her balled-up wrappers at the trash can, the clatter disrupting that direction of thought. Time to get back on the road and stop thinking.

It was just after two-thirty when she pulled into the drive of her parents' house. She'd hoped to have a minute to fortify herself but Tal Cregg was sitting on the front porch. He looked puzzled initially at the unfamiliar vehicle, a smile spreading across his face as he recognized her.

"Claudia," he called, as he descended the steps and approached the car.

CJ took a deep breath, undid her seat belt, and stepped out into her father's arms.

"Hi, Dad." She kissed him before resting her head against his shoulder. It was reassuring to be held by someone taller sometimes.

"Where's your bag?"

She pointed him to it and turned to see her mother on the porch. A raised eyebrow informed CJ of maternal suspicions. Her father's arm interlinked with hers, pulling CJ towards the steps.

"Look what I found, Moira. She says she's one of ours."

CJ smiled as she hugged her mother briefly and let her father lead her inside.

"You had lunch? You're too skinny."

"Yes, Dad. I stopped at one of the wineries."

"We'll feed you up while you're here." He kissed her on the forehead and took her bag upstairs.

"He looks good," CJ stated to her mother.

Moira Cregg nodded. "He's having a good week, especially since he knew you were coming." She pulled CJ into a cuddle. "And he's right, you're too skinny. Don't roll your eyes. I'm your mother, I'm allowed to nag."

CJ laughed. "That x-ray vision is still working." She leaned back, their arms still around each other. CJ had inherited her father's strong facial features, but her eyes were all her mother's. And those eyes were asking questions she didn't want to answer yet.

Her father's return delayed the inevitable. They talked for a few hours, CJ deftly steering the conversation from getting too close. Until her father dozed off and Moira suggested a walk.

A cool breeze and the later hour had lowered the temperature a little, though it was still pleasantly warm.

CJ slipped her hand into her mother's and asked in a quiet voice, "How is he doing?"

"He's okay. There's bad days and good days." The strain was evident in her voice. "The bad days are getting more frequent."

"How are you?" CJ pulled her mother to a halt and squeezed her hand.

"I'm fine."

"Liar." She draped her arm across Moira's shoulders as her mother's arm slipped around her waist, and they resumed walking. "I should be here more."

"Don't, Claudia. We're not your responsibility," Moira replied sternly. "A visit like this means a lot."

"Book me in for Christmas."

"Tentative?"

"Certain." It was time. "And you'll need an extra stocking."

"Pink or blue?" There was little surprise in her mother's words.

"As long as it isn't too pink." CJ matched her mother's smile. "The breasts gave it away."

"I didn't think you'd had time for implants."

CJ bit her lip. "I'm surprised the rumor mill hasn't started."

"It'll be a while longer before most people notice. I'm your mother remember." She paused. "Do we need an extra adult stocking?"

CJ tried to keep her voice steady but firm. "No."

"Okay." They stopped and Moira placed her hands on either side of CJ's face. "You happy?"

"Yeah." CJ grinned. "More than a little shocked, but yeah."

"So." Moira lowered herself to the grass. "When do I get to meet my new granddaughter?"

CJ kicked off her shoes and joined her mother, stretching out her legs. "End of November."

Her mother's gaze fell to her stomach and CJ leaned back on her hands.

"You'd be what? Just into second trimester?"

CJ nodded. "14 weeks." She ran one hand over her abdomen, smoothing the material. "I can barely tell myself."

Moira placed her hand on top of CJ's and worriedly asked, "Morning sickness?"

"It was really bad for over a month, but it's only occasional now and I'm putting the weight back on. Should be within the normal range in a couple of weeks."

"Apart from that, how are you going?" Moira stroked the palm of her hand across her granddaughter's corner of the world.

The motion over her skin and the quiet sweetness of the surroundings drew CJ into her first real moment of calm since her pregnancy was confirmed. She laid her head back on the grass, releasing the tension from her muscles as she fell into the sky.

"I'm good."

And for that sliver of time she was.

Moira lay down beside her, shoulders touching, fingers entwined. No sound except for their breathing, leaves moving, and a low distant hum.

Her tiny daughter suckling at her breast; ten perfect fingers, ten perfect toes. The smallest nails. Red mop of hair.

Out of her arms and crawling. Holding her hands for her first steps. Running and throwing her arms around CJ's neck. Choking. Giggling. Whispering her name.

Moira's eyes. CJ's eyes. The third generation. Long red curls.

Peek-a-boo. Can't see you. Can now.

His eyes. Cold. Accusing.

Why?

Why did you do this to me?

I didn't want to.

But you did.

I would have given anything.

But you didn't.

Backing, pulling away. Turning. Running. Jumping.

Into his arms.

Two pairs of his eyes.

Deceitful bitches aren't allowed to be mothers. Bartlet just signed the legislation.

I did this for you. To protect you.

Really? You love me?

Yes.

You never said.

I love you.

And yet you took my daughter away. I love you too.

No. You can't take her. I'm her mother.

You're not my mommy.

No.

You're not a mother.

No.

CJ.

Don't leave me, Danny.

Claudia.

Hands holding her back. Need to follow. Can't let them out of her sight.

Don't take her away from me. I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do.

Claudia.

Don't leave me.

Claudia Jean. Wake up.

Hand on cheek. Darkening sky. Chilled air.

It's okay, Sweetie.

Baby. Can't see the baby. Where is she?

You were dreaming.

He has her. Have to go to San Francisco.

"Claudia Jean. Wake up now."

The combination of forceful voice and firm hands roused CJ. She sat up immediately, folding her arms across her stomach. The world was still tilting.

A hand brushed her hair back and forced her head to turn. Eyes. Her mother's.

"It's okay. No one's leaving you."

As images from the dream flashed through her mind, CJ searched for her briefing face. Fumbling in her application, she tried to stand too quickly. Moira grabbed CJ's arm to steady her, guiding her back down to the grass.

"Sit still, Claudia. Let yourself wake up."

CJ pulled her knees up to her chest and leaned her chin on them as her mother rubbed her back.

"Want to talk about it?"

Still a little woozy, but needing to extract herself before her mother pushed too hard, CJ stood gingerly. "Dad'll be wondering where we got to."

She held out her hand to Moira, pulling her up before starting off in the direction of home. Her body was stiff, her eyes focused straight ahead.

Moira got the message and the silence held until the house was within sight.

CJ halted, unsure. "When should I tell him?"

"Leave it till tomorrow. He's usually pretty good in the early afternoon."

"How...." CJ sought out her mother's eyes. "How is he going to react?" She winced at the childish tone and the threatening tears.

Moira reached out and brushed her hair back behind her ear. "He wants you to be happy. That's all either of us have ever wanted for you." Her hand cupped CJ's cheek. "Just give him some time."

CJ sniffed and squared her shoulders. "Yeah."

"Come on. You need feeding."

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It all fell apart when he asked about a wedding date.

She watched the excitement and joy at the prospect of another grandchild melt away, replaced by silent disapproval.

Family and friends said she was her father's daughter and in many ways she was. But in terms of anger and disappointment, she reacted like her mother. She exploded and yelled and got it over and done with.

Her father got quiet. That silence had always terrified her more and cut deeper than any number of hours of her mother's raised voice.

He stared straight ahead and she knew from experience there was no point in continuing. She stood and leaned over, kissing him on the top of the head.

"Get some rest, Daddy. We'll talk later."

Waves of claustrophobia lapped around her. She needed to get out, be anywhere but here.

Ascending the stairs to her bedroom two at a time, she grabbed her handbag before stumbling back down, out the door and to the car.

She had no idea where she was going; she just turned right from the driveway and drove straight for as long as there was road. Tuning the radio to a rock station, she sang along, ignoring the ringing from her bag. She alternated between turning left and right into whichever side street looked interesting, resulting in a couple of u-turns when she came to dead ends.

After glancing at the gauge, she looked for the next gas station, finding one ten minutes later. She pulled in, turned off the engine and grabbed the ringing cell phone out of her bag.

"I'm okay, Mom."

It took a few minutes to assure her mother she wasn't going to do anything stupid and she'd be back for dinner.

As long as she could find her way back. She realized she was slightly lost as she pumped gas. The terrain didn't appear at all familiar.

CJ asked for a map and her present location when she paid for the gas, a bottle of water and a bag of potato chips. The attendant looked at her with a condescending smirk and questioned her travel plans. She replied with her death glare and he wisely gave her only the information she'd requested.

Back in the car, a quick perusal of the map showed a picnic area further up the road that would do.

There was only one other car present when she pulled in. Three young children played tag around a picnic table as their parents watched.

CJ's hand came to rest on her abdomen and she blinked away tears. Maybe this wasn't such a good place to stop.

'Snap out of it,' she ordered herself. 'You can't avoid families for the rest of your life.'

She grabbed the bottle and bag and forced her hand from her body to the door handle. Choosing a tree away from the family, she settled down on the grass and leaned back against the trunk.

Her eyes closed and she breathed deeply and slowly, trying to restore some sense of calm. She'd partly expected that reaction from her father, but it didn't make it hurt any less. Her mother was right, give him time. Get him to concentrate on the new granddaughter angle, rather than the single mother.

"Daddy!"

A young girl's shout forced her eyes open. CJ turned her head to see the father tipping his daughter upside down, her delighted squeals competing with the clamoring of the other two children.

Tears threatened again and she looked away, attempting to stifle them. She needed to stop thinking about it, about him. But she had no idea how to exorcise the ghosts.

The back of her head thudded against the bark and she stared at the mosaic of blue and green above her. How could she stop thinking about him when a reminder was growing within her? When everything around her triggered memories or visions of an impossible future?

Making love fully clothed under a tree in a reckless moment, fears of discovery at the rest stop magnifying their arousal. Hours of driving to find an out-of-the-way place for a rare relaxing weekend. Sharing the paper and breakfast on the occasional lazy Sunday morning in bed, Danny reading his column and impersonating anyone he quoted.

His voice. She was forgetting what he sounded like. She could barely hear the teasing lilt; the guttural moan of her name as he climaxed; the soft whispered endearments.

Her soundtrack of him consisted of their last conversations on loop. Anger, hurt, betrayal.

The cell phone was in her hand, the stored numbers scrolling up the screen and stopping at his. Her thumb hit the call button before she could stop it.

He'd probably changed the number. She nearly dropped the phone when she heard his voice, recovering as she realized it was his voice mail message.

She disconnected after the beep and called again. This time she'd listen carefully, commit the sound of him to memory. Even the bland message was better than the current recording lodged in her brain.

"Hello. Daniel Concannon speaking."

Shit. CJ only just managed to stop herself from replying. She held her breath.

"Hello? Anybody there?"

Hang up. Hang up. Her fingers wouldn't follow her brain's directions.

"Hello? CJ?"

Hell. He must have checked the caller id. What to do...hang up or fake an explanation?

"Hey, Danny. Sorry. I must've hit the wrong number." She winced at the waver in her voice.

"Okay." His tone was flat.

She couldn't just hang up now. "How's the new job going?"

"It's great. Different." He paused. She could picture the forced cheerfulness on his face. "How are you?"

"Good."

"And the baby?" He barely got the last word out.

"She's fine." CJ grimaced at the slip as she heard Danny's muted gasp. In the last few days she'd started thinking of the baby as she rather than it.

His barely contained tears were audible. "A girl."

"Yeah," she whispered, turning to watch the daughter riding on her father's shoulders. Danny was a girl's daddy.

"Congratulations. You'll have someone to pass your evening dress collection onto."

"Thanks."

Danny cleared his throat with a nervous cough. "I have to go and do this thing."

"Okay." Before he could cut her off, she pleaded, "Danny."

"Yeah?"

What to say? "I'm sorry."

"So am I."

And she was left with the dial tone.

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The night air was cool on her bare arms. Hopefully the change of scene would make her sleepy.

CJ sat down on the top step of the back porch, leaning against the railing. Images and voices swirled around in her brain making it impossible to relax.

At least her father had talked a little to her during dinner. No mention of the baby, but it was a start.

"You okay?"

CJ looked up as her mother's hand came to rest on her shoulder. She placed her own hand on top and squeezed.

"Sorry. I tried to be quiet."

"I was awake anyway." Moira sat beside her. "He'll come around, Sweetie."

"Will he?" CJ snorted. "Here I am, 42 years old and still needing Daddy's approval."

Moira cupped CJ's cheek. "Doesn't matter how old we are. Show him the ultrasound. He won't be able to resist."

"I hope so."

The stars were brilliant against the darker skies. Peaceful. Silent. Old friends.

As a child in Ohio, her father would take her out to look at the stars when she couldn't sleep. He'd point out a couple of constellations and then just cuddle her. His heartbeat against her ear, she'd drift off to sleep under a blanket threaded with light.

"Do you love him?"

CJ turned to her mother in confusion. "Of course I do. I understand why he's disappointed--"

Moira shook her head. "Not your father. Your daughter's father."

Game face on. Breathe. Calm.

"I barely know him." CJ's gaze drifted back to the sky.

"Where did you meet?"

"In a bar."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I picked him up and went back to his hotel room. Didn't even ask his last name."

Her mother's silence was more damning than any reply.

CJ couldn't contain her defensiveness. "It's not my first one night stand."

"I'm not naïve, Claudia. But you can't even look at me when you say it."

CJ locked eyes with her mother. "I picked him up and screwed him and haven't seen him since."

Moira laughed. Not a chuckle, but a fully-fledged belly laugh. "Oh, Claudia. Trying to shock me won't get you anywhere. I know you and I know that expression. Just haven't seen it so vehement since you were five and swore up and down to me that you hadn't been into the chocolate cake. The only problem was the icing on your face and clothes." She brushed CJ's cheek with the back of her fingers. "I didn't believe you for one moment then and I certainly don't now. Lie to yourself if you want to, just don't think you're fooling me."

Uncertain whether to be angry or embarrassed, CJ turned away and focused on her feet.

"When you're ready to talk, you know where I am."

The porch boards creaked under Moira's step. Another person she loved walking away from her. Would her daughter follow as soon as she was able?

Her chest tightened, her breath coming in gasps.

Don't let her walk through that door.

"Mom."

She barely heard the mewl herself. The porch door thumped shut.

Too late.

CJ tried to contain the sobs, but they pried her lips apart. Her arms wrapped around her stomach as her head fell, colliding with her knees.

"Sweetie."

She was pulled into her mother's embrace, her head resting on Moira's lap. CJ's sobs were almost silent but shuddered through her body. Moira's hands stroked her cheek and hair as she rocked.

The motion and security slowly lulled CJ into a state of calm.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"For what? What's going on, Claudia?"

Burying her face in her mother's lap, CJ mulled over explanations in her mind. She'd been spinning the news cycle for too long.

Moira continued when she didn't answer. "You've always been so unsure about kids. I just find it hard to believe you'd have a baby with someone you barely knew."

CJ pulled away and sat up, meeting her mother's gaze. Her concern and worry was evident. She could relieve that with the truth.

She blew her nose and cleared her throat. "I need you to keep it quiet. You can't tell Dad or the boys or anyone. Too many people could get hurt."

"Okay." Moira nodded and frowned. "He's not married, is he?"

"No."

"Well, that rules out the President. A Republican? You'd end up with a Swiss child."

CJ smiled, grateful for the lighter mood. "No, he's a Democrat." She paused before leaping. "I was in a relationship with him for five months."

"Did he walk out on you?" Moira's mother bear instincts were undiminished.

"I kinda shoved him out the door." CJ continued hesitantly at her mother's confused expression. "I told him I cheated on him and the baby wasn't his."

"Why?"

"I wasn't supposed to be seeing him."

"Danny?"

CJ bit her lip.

"I thought I recognized the name. You talked about him a few years ago." Moira closed her eyes for a moment, sifting through memories. "He's a reporter?"

"Yeah." CJ grimaced. "Slight conflict of interest. Leo, Toby and the President warned me back then and I stopped it going any further."

"But?"

"But after re-election..." CJ leaned forward, her elbows on her knees and her chin resting on her hands. "We still wanted each other and I wanted...a life. I think there must've been some crossed wires somewhere, because I didn't mean a baby."

Moira matched her pose. "He doesn't want a baby?"

"He was thrilled." She lifted her eyes to the stars. "But it doesn't matter."

"Surely there's some way--"

CJ cut her off. "There isn't. This is the only way I can protect our jobs, though mine is still a little rocky. I'm going to be enough of a scandal on my own. I'm not going to make it any harder on the President."

"So you've just made Danny's decision for him?"

"Yes," CJ replied firmly, as she stood and stepped down onto the grass.

Moira's voice took on a disapproving tone. "That isn't fair to him, Claudia."

She kept her back to her mother. "One of us has to be the realist. Danny'd think we could play happy families, keep our jobs and everyone would be all forgiving. That isn't going to happen. And I'm not going to have him turn around and resent me in a few years because he lost his career."

"Do you really think he'd put his job before you and his daughter?" Moira walked around to stand in front of her.

CJ folded her arms across her chest and fixed her gaze on the outline of the bushes over her mother's shoulder. "Two years ago he turned down a promotion, even though it meant we could date, because White House reporting was his life."

"Two years ago he wasn't in a relationship with you and you weren't pregnant," Moira replied firmly. "Is he still at the White House?"

CJ hesitated before answering. "No." She kept silent about the job shift Danny had revealed in their last face-to-face meeting.

"So he can live without it. Why didn't you give him the opportunity to make a choice?"

"Because none of it matters!" CJ lowered her voice at her mother's warning look. "Do the math. Even if he'd left as soon as I found out I was pregnant, there's still over a month unaccounted for."

"And so it's better if everyone believes that you pick up strangers rather than broke some unwritten rule?"

CJ didn't answer as she bit her lip and stared down at the grass.

Stepping forward, Moira placed her hand under CJ's chin and forced her head up. CJ avoided her mother's eyes by once again focusing on the bushes.

"Do you love him?" Moira asked quietly.

CJ's lower lip trembled and her gaze met her mother's.

"Are you in love with him?"

"Telling him...it wasn't easy. I know how much I hurt him and I wish he was here." CJ swallowed. "But this is the way it has to be. I'm protecting him."

Moira studied her face and frowned. "Are you? Or are you protecting yourself?" She brushed her hand across CJ's cheek. "I love you and I'll always support you no matter what. But please, think this through. It's not too late."

"It is." CJ shook her head, her resolve reinforced.

"Okay." Moira slipped her hand into her daughter's and pulled her down to sit on the bottom porch step.

CJ leaned her head on her mother's shoulder as Moira's arms wrapped around her.

"You remember the constellations Dad taught you?"

"Some."

"Show me."

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