TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (6/12)
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.
Full notes in Chapter 1.

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It had taken a few weeks, but her skirts and pants were becoming a bit tight. She'd have to start shopping for a new wardrobe; little chance of keeping her daughter undercover for much longer.

CJ was in constant telephone and email contact with her parents. Her mother had been right; the ultrasound picture broke through her father's disapproval. He now expected daily updates.

She knew Toby and Leo were keeping an eye on her waistline, while Josh, Sam and Carol were perfecting very good impressions of first-time fathers. The President had appointed himself as her surrogate father.

Abbey was her sanity. Apart from her pregnancy knowledge, CJ could talk to her about anything. Since her return from California, she'd avoided mentioning Danny, attempting to shut him into a small compartment at the back of her brain. Abbey would bring him up occasionally, but quickly learnt when to back off.

Sometimes he escaped. Usually while she was sleeping or he'd distract her during a long, boring--

"Anything else?"

CJ forced her attention back to Leo, her bladder relieved that the Senior Staff meeting was coming to an end.

Toby coughed and she turned to find him staring at her before he quickly faced Leo.

"CJ has to announce soon."

She knew it was coming, but the words still winded her. Her voice wouldn't work.

Leo nodded and asked, "When?"

"As soon as possible."

She glared at Toby and recovered her voice. It was a little raspy. "I'm barely showing."

He held her gaze unflinchingly. "We need to break it before the speculation and rumors have a chance to start."

"He's right, CJ."

She turned back to Leo but didn't reply.

"I want you to work with Toby and Sam on a statement."

Sam shifted uncomfortably and gave her a weak smile.

Leo continued. "And then you're to run it past me." He directed his next questions to Toby. "End of the last briefing? Busy or slow day?"

She pursed her lips and directed her gaze to the floor, muscles tensing as Toby answered.

"Definitely just before the lid. A Friday would be best."

CJ flinched as the connotation cut deep. It took her a minute to recognize the silence and she glanced up to find everyone waiting for her to reply.

She plastered on a smile. "Sure. Friday would be great. Let's dump my daughter out with the trash. It's where she belongs." Cutting them off before they could speak, she gripped her notebook to her chest and stood. "You don't need me here for this conversation. Let me know what you decide."

She stalked over to the door, wrenching it open and slamming it behind her. She'd probably broken the White House again.

"Are you okay? CJ?"

She jumped as a hand touched her arm, swinging around to see Margaret's concerned expression.

"I'm fine," CJ choked out, before commencing a power walk to the bathroom.

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Toby was seated on her couch when she returned to her office.

She shut the door and dumped her notebook on the desk, keeping her back to him while she rifled through the messages Carol had handed her.

"So. Which Friday?"

"Next week."

"Why not this week? Two days should be enough for Batman and Robin to produce a masterpiece and my stomach may have tripled in size by next Friday."

"You finished?"

His calm tone irritated her. She dropped the messages and turned around to face him. "I don't know. I've still got plenty of hormones to burn."

He didn't say a word, but she knew that look too well and it never failed to rile her.

"I've heard the comments. If a woman gets pissed off it must be because of the hormones, pregnancy or otherwise. It's justified if a man gets pissed off. Did you ever consider that you might just have a permanent case of PMT?"

"I never said anything about hormones." Toby held up his hand as she opened her mouth. "Shut up and let me finish. Friday is the best day to announce, not only for the administration but also for you. You'll have a couple of days before you have to face them again."

"So, you're looking after me," she replied sarcastically.

"Look, CJ. I'm sorry for what I said when you first told me. But I wasn't implying anything about my goddaughter when I suggested Friday." He leaned forward and stared at her. "So stop being pissed at me. You have to announce and this is the best way for everyone."

She held his stare for a minute before slumping onto the edge of the desk. "I don't have to announce if I resign first."

Toby rubbed his hands over his head and leaned back against the couch. "You'll resign?"

"Yes." She rocked her ankles while examining the carpet.

"Are you sure?"

She lifted her eyes to meet his and shrugged. "At this moment I'm not sure of anything. I'm not even sure why I'm having this baby."

"Because you want her."

"Do I?" All the fears and insecurities flooded through her. Her legs started to shake and she lowered herself into the visitor's chair in front of her desk. "I always thought I'd have an abortion for an accidental pregnancy. And I don't know why I didn't even consider it."

Toby's expression softened. "Maybe you're ready to be a mother."

She shook her head and smiled sadly. "I'm not. I don't think I can do this. It's too late for an abortion. Maybe I should consider adoption."

"I'm sure I could find you a home for unwed mothers to hide out in for the next six months. How does Mexico sound?"

CJ glared at him before realizing he was baiting her. "I know what you're doing, Toby."

"Is it working?"

She snorted and leaned forward, resting her face on her hands. "Possibly."

"You have to face it, CJ. You made your choice to become a mother." His voice was low and comforting. "Don't let a few narrow-minded puritans make you doubt yourself. Face them head on and let them know that CJ Cregg doesn't run from a fight."

CJ smiled and held her hand out towards him. "Ladies and Gentlemen. Toby Zeigler, motivational speaker." She rubbed her abdomen. "But do I have the right to put her through this?"

"She'll know how much her mom loves and wants her. And you can't give her a better example of how to stand up for herself." With a rare little smile, he continued. "Her godfather will make sure she knows how amazing her mom is."

CJ couldn't stifle a couple of tears and a sniffle. "You really think I can do this?"

"I wouldn't have gone to California to get you if I didn't think you could handle anything and everything. The people who matter are with you, the rest can go to hell."

"And what happens in this hell?"

"There are lots of trees, fresh air, fur, and Mary Marsh rewriting my speeches." Toby grimaced.

She burst out laughing. "I feel your pain." An object on the couch next to him caught her eye. "What's that?"

He coughed. "The first step in her indoctrination."

She accepted the proffered gift and smiled in thanks. A baby-sized Yankees cap. "She can wear it to her christening." CJ placed it over one hand, stroking it with the other. There was no turning back.

"We'll meet tomorrow to write the statement and next week Leo wants a couple of trial runs to plan answers."

She summoned her courage and met his eyes. "Okay."

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Wrung out. She felt emotionally and physically exhausted. A tension headache was teasing at the edge of her brain.

She'd begged off Toby's offer of dinner, wanting nothing more than a long soak in the tub and bed. His concern had been evident and she had to reassure him she was okay.

She dumped her bags on the table and kicked off her shoes, before entering the kitchen and shoving a frozen dinner in the microwave. Not the best nutrition, but it was all she was up to tonight and slightly better than nothing.

While it hummed, she went to the bedroom and stripped, pulling on a bathrobe.

She ate dinner in front of the television, trying to distract her mind with a not very funny sitcom. Her head pitching forward woke her with a start. Bath time before she was too tired to move again.

After cleaning up the kitchen, she retrieved the cap from her bag and carried it to the spare bedroom. A few items of baby paraphernalia sat in one corner, including a large yellow teddy bear from Josh. She perched the cap on its head.

As the bath ran and the lavender bubble bath foamed, she studied her naked profile in the full-length mirror. She needed new bras urgently; her current ones were making her already tender breasts even sorer. A very definite bump. A quick prayer, that it would remain hidden until she announced, was sent.

Her muscles started to relax as soon as the warm water and bubbles flowed over them. She rested her head on a towel covering the rim of the tub and breathed deeply.

Her next conscious sensation was of cooled water and tight temples. The tension headache had settled in. She sat up and ran the hot water, a yellow object sitting near the tap drawing her attention.

The innocuous looking rubber duck had been a gift from Abbey when she returned from Napa. She'd thought it was for the baby until Abbey had handed her an instruction booklet. CJ had joked that she hoped she didn't have to declare it on the financial disclosures and wondered how many raised eyebrows the First Lady ordering from Good Vibrations had caused.

The beak and tail packed quite a bit of power, but she hadn't had much of a chance to trial it. She'd been relieved her libido had decreased significantly since Danny left. Combined with the stress, she'd rarely been in the mood.

Memories of Danny's technique for relieving her headaches forced their way to the surface and her body quickly responded.

"Okay, Duck. Time for you to work your magic."

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"You ready?"

The window pane warped and blurred Toby's shape. Her fingers twisted the chain around her neck, the crystal drop warm against her skin.

Danny's crystal.

She'd retrieved it from the hall closet the previous night, realizing her need to have a tangible reminder of him, apart from the baby, was stronger than her desire to forget.

She continued staring out her office window, wondering whether he'd go away if she didn't answer. She was entitled to her last moment of denial.

He appeared in her peripheral vision, a solid object determined to be acknowledged.

"You told them?"

She used her feet to swing the chair side to side, her eyes still avoiding direct contact.

"Yeah."

The meeting with her main staff had ended ten minutes before. A few had already guessed and they all seemed genuinely happy for her. She'd specifically warned them about treating her like breakable goods.

"The other senior assistants have been informed. Expect to be accosted by Bonnie and Ginger."

CJ allowed herself a small smile.

"Ten minutes, CJ," Carol called from behind her.

She saw Toby nod in acknowledgement before returning his attention to her.

"You know the answers?"

CJ looked straight at him. "No, Toby. I could have used some prep sessions, but I've spent the last week twiddling my thumbs. How about, 'I've been a bad girl'?"

Toby rolled his eyes. "Got it out of your system?"

Before she could reply, the conversation was hijacked by the arrival of Josh and Sam. She kept her back to them, hoping they'd get the hint.

"Mi Amor. Donna and Margaret are starting a baby name pool and I was hoping you could give me an inside tip."

It would require a large bat to clue them in and she didn't have the spare strength to wield it.

She turned to face them. "No tips."

"Please," Josh whined.

"My daughter will be the first to hear her name spoken. And unless I'm horribly mistaken, you're not my daughter."

Sam cooed, "That's so sweet!"

Leo appeared in the doorway and she implored him with her eyes to save her from Larry and Moe.

"Josh, Sam. Out."

"We're being supportive," Josh replied.

"You can be supportive after."

Everybody knew you didn't argue with Leo when he used that particular tone and they wisely heeded him.

Leo closed the door behind them and pointed to Toby. "You want him?"

"Curly can stay."

"Thanks," Toby replied.

"You ready?" Leo asked softly.

For a moment the fear overwhelmed her, but she grabbed hold of the support implicit in Leo's demeanour and surfaced.

"I'm never going to be ready. But I'll be happy if I get through it without throwing up."

"I'm not sitting in the front row."

Her lips twitched. "Was that a joke, Toby?"

"Don't expect another one. I've exceeded my yearly quota." He reached over and squeezed her hand.

CJ turned her palm over so she could entwine her fingers with his.

A knock on the door was followed by Carol calling, "Five."

She frowned and gripped Toby's hand tighter.

Leo leaned over the desk and clasped her other hand, forcing her to look at him. "You'll be okay, Kid. We'll be at the back of the room. Take a deep breath. You can do this."

Exhaling, "Okay," she wondered whether five minutes was long enough to compose a letter of resignation.

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Yet another secret exposed--Another scandal to hit the Bartlet administration--Illicit sex--Bastard child--Loose--Unfit--White House in moral decay--

Sound bites from the evening news stampeded through her brain. She tried to block them out by burying her head under the pillow, but Mary Marsh's shrill condemnation could cut its way through the lead shielding of a nuclear reactor.

The reporter must have run to get her comment and she'd been practically salivating as she'd ripped CJ apart and prayed for the child's salvation.

CJ prayed her father hadn't seen it.

Her professional side had known this was the way it would be and the attacks were only going to get more vicious and personal. But there'd been a small part of her that had believed she would be a non-story--that they'd leave her alone.

That tiny inch of her lay flattened under Mary Marsh's heel.

Father's identity unknown--Had the President asked for her resignation?--What sort of example was she setting for the youth of America?--

So much for Friday being the best day.

The Republicans had been quiet, biding their time while the Christian Right whipped up a frenzy. They'd attack on Monday.

Sex outside marriage is a sin--CJ Magdalene--Poor innocent damned from conception--

The pillow hit the floor and she pulled on her robe before realizing she had no idea what to do.

Sleep was a lost cause, television too risky, too late to go for a walk, too tired to read, too wired to relax...

She checked the time. Her mother should still be up...bad idea. She'd only be more worried. Too late to call anyone here--

The phone rang and she picked it up, smiling as she heard the voice.

"Your ESP is still functioning."

"I thought you might need to hear a friendly voice," Moira replied. "How are you, Sweetie?"

CJ took the cordless receiver and curled up on the windowsill, leaning her head against the window.

"Lost. I can't sleep, I don't know what to do."

"I saw that awful bitch--"

CJ laughed. "Mother!"

"I call it as I see it."

"Did Dad see it?" CJ winced.

"No, I made sure he didn't. He's asleep now."

"Good. But this is going to continue for days."

"Nothing they say will change the way we feel about you, Claudia," Moira stated firmly.

"I know." CJ looked out at the street. Too bright to see the stars. "I just--I hate embarrassing you."

"You are not embarrassing us. Those people don't know you and there's nothing remotely Christian about them. You and our granddaughter are all that matters."

CJ sniffed. "I don't think I can do this."

"Yes, you can." Her mother paused. "Do you want me to come over?"

She nearly replied yes. "Daddy needs you. And I don't want the press coming after you."

"Well, don't forget your brother and Hogan are near by. Hogan's very excited about a baby cousin."

"I know. She's already offered her babysitting services." CJ trailed off as her subconscious uncovered the spot she'd tried to bury Danny, his face appearing in her mind's eye.

"Call him, Claudia."

It was times like this CJ wished her mother didn't know her so well. "It's too late."

"Do you want him?"

CJ whispered, "Yes."

"Do you love him?"

"It's too late." She wiped away the tears gathering in her eyes.

"It's never too late."

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