TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (7/12)
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.
Full notes in Chapter 1.

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There was a woodpecker knocking against her tree. She attempted to chase it away, but it ignored her and then started yelling her name.

"CJ? Are you there? CJ?"

She sat up with a start, finding herself on the bed, the curtains drawn to dull the afternoon sun.

"CJ?"

Door.

Rising gingerly, her stomach performed a three point turn before settling in its normal position. Her head took the scenic route.

"CJ. I'm going to call the police if you don't answer."

She leaned against doorways, walls and furniture during her trek to the front door.

"CJ. Please answer me if you're unconscious."

The door opened, forcing the knocker to take a step back in surprise.

"And how would I do that, Woody?"

Josh's forehead wrinkled in puzzlement. "Woody?"

"You were knocking on my tree." She waved it off. "Forget it. What do you want?"

"I've come to keep you company." He forced his way past her.

"Aren't I lucky," she mumbled, closing the door and following him into the living room. The couch lured her in with its siren call.

"You don't look so good."

She raised her eyebrows. "It's no wonder you're such a hit with the ladies."

Josh sat beside her and picked up her hand. "You really don't."

"You just woke me up. Why are you here?"

"Your phones and pager are broken."

"They're turned off or unplugged," she explained.

He sighed in relief. "We thought something had happened to you. Tell us before you do that again."

She squeezed his hand. "I'm sorry. The press and these wackos trying to save my daughter's soul keep calling and I couldn't deal with it a minute longer."

"We'll get you unlisted numbers tomorrow." Josh retrieved his own cell from his pocket. "I'll just let Leo know you're okay."

CJ leaned her head back against the couch and closed her eyes, listening to the one-sided conversation.

"She doesn't look good."

CJ opened one eye. Josh grinned at her.

"But she's glaring at me, so she can't be too bad. Let Sam and Toby know...Yeah, I will...See you tomorrow." He ended the call and replaced the cell phone.

"You were all worried about me?"

"Of course. Leo didn't think you'd appreciate us en masse." His dimples deepened. "So I volunteered for the mission."

CJ's lips twitched. "You are brave." Their hands entwined and she whispered, "I could use the company."

"Even mine?"

"Even yours."

"You must be desperate." Josh brushed a lock of hair off her face. "How are you really?"

The floodgates opened. Between tears, nearly everything spilled out. Phone calls and insomnia, embarrassment and media speculation, sorrow and shame.

-------

"Fuck you, Tad Whitney," CJ growled at the television. "That's right, I did. What a mistake."

"CJ?"

"I must've fallen and hit my head. Only thing that can account for that lapse of taste."

Josh grabbed the remote and Tad's face disappeared. "I thought you were in the bathroom. I was trying to catch the sports news."

"Don't worry, Josh." She patted his arm. "I would've found out tomorrow anyway."

"What did he say?"

"I didn't hear, but I'm guessing my great in bed proclamation was a highlight." CJ slumped onto the couch, curling her legs underneath her. "Are all my exes going to crawl out of the primordial ooze?"

Josh sat beside her, his hand resting on her pajama-clad knee. "Probably only those lacking in social decorum or wanting revenge."

"Well, that's quite a few." Her head fell back against the couch. "There were a couple of time periods there when my judgment was highly questionable."

"Any of those time periods within the last four or five years?"

Trick question. Careful with the answer. "I've barely had a relationship in the last five years." Close enough to the truth.

"Then they can fish as much as they want, but they can't insinuate any connection between your job performance and private life."

CJ snorted. "Private life. What a misnomer. What the hell should it matter as long as I do my job properly?"

"I hear you." Josh pulled her sideways to lean against him, her head on his shoulder.

CJ felt her body begin to relax and shifted them to a more comfortable cuddling position.

"Do you want me to stay?" Josh whispered against her hair.

She adjusted his arm across her abdomen. "You might be the next candidate for father if they see you leaving in the morning."

"I'll make sure they know I'm not."

CJ decided to tease. In a hurt voice, she asked, "You wouldn't want to be my daughter's daddy?"

"That isn't what I meant." He stumbled in his back pedaling. "I'd be honored to have a baby with you, though that would mean us having sex and that is a little incesty--"

"Whoa there." She squeezed his arm and looked up at him. "I was joking."

"I knew that." He grinned in embarrassment. "I've still got time to be a father, but this is my only chance to be an uncle."

Tears pooled in her eyes at the confirmation of how he viewed her. "You are sweet, Joshua."

"Close your eyes."

-------

If he were one of hers she'd personally garrote him with his press pass. And whatever rag he worked for would find access to the White House next to impossible.

A string of expletives sounded through her office as a wave of dizziness led to her shin banging against the filing cabinet.

A hand touched her arm. "CJ?"

She swung around, her elbow repeating the collision with the metal.

"Shit, Leo. Are you conspiring with the furniture to kill me?" CJ grimaced and rubbed her elbow.

"What are you doing here? I thought you went home at six." He placed his briefcase on the chair in front of her desk.

She waved her hands in the direction of her assailant. "I remembered something I had to do."

"At eight thirty? It could have waited till tomorrow."

"Stop coddling me," CJ snapped. "You're not my father." Much to her embarrassment, tears followed.

"Sit down, CJ."

She shrugged off his hand. "I need to find out who it was right now."

"Who what was?"

"Which prick of a gutter journalist decided to target my parents," she spat out. "He probably thinks he's Geraldo, interrogating an old man."

Her axis tilted abruptly and this time she didn't protest as Leo grabbed her arm and led her to the couch. She sat bent over, with her head between her knees, until the worst of the dizziness had passed. Straightening slowly, she accepted the glass of water Leo offered.

He waited until she settled back against the couch, before asking firmly, "What happened?"

"Dad called about an hour ago." She rubbed her hand across her forehead. "He wasn't making much sense. He seemed to think I was still in college and said that having a baby now would destroy my future." A sob choked her.

Leo waited patiently for her to continue.

"Then he cried and that started me off and we couldn't understand each other." She paused to wipe her nose. "Mom got back from her walk and calmed us both down. Dad was a bit more coherent and she managed to get some of the story."

"Does he know who the reporter was?"

CJ shook her head while taking another sip of water. "Dad thinks it was an apostle's name, which doesn't exactly narrow the field. I don't even know if he's one of mine. If he is, I'll kill him. He basically told my father his daughter is a slut and his granddaughter a bastard and then wanted details." She stood and walked over to her desk, thumping the glass down. "If they want to attack me, fine. But my family is off limits."

"I'm taking you home, CJ."

"I need to--"

Leo squeezed CJ's arm. "You can't do anything tonight. I'm your boss and if I have to, I'll order you. Grab your bag."

"I've got my car, Leo."

"And after nearly passing out, I'm really going to let you drive it."

Knowing she wasn't going to win this argument, CJ conceded. "Okay. But I'm not staying home tomorrow."

Leo knew when to back off. "As long as you don't kill the entire press corps."

"Can't I just maim a few? I thought that'd make you happy."

"Delirious." He picked up his briefcase and held out his arm, pulling her close when she accepted it. "Is your dad going to be okay?"

CJ heard his concern for her in the unasked portion of that question and answered both with a tired sigh. "I don't know."

-------

Two days and she wasn't any closer to finding out who had called her father. Katie and Steve had done some digging, but all they could tell her was that he was most likely from a tabloid and not one of hers.

He'd either given up on the story or was preparing an expose. CJ thought the second more probable.

She was in daily contact with her parents. Her father was still working his way through the gamut of emotions: embarrassment, anger, shame...she wished she could hold him and tell him it was all going to be okay.

CJ fanned herself with the briefing papers--typical end of June with humidity at one hundred and twenty percent and her hormone-laden body forcing the temperature even higher. She pulled off her glasses, wiping a fine sheen of sweat covering her nose. The contacts had been abandoned earlier in the week, as they became increasingly uncomfortable. Her whole body was changing.

And today it was going crazy. A dull headache had taken up residence in her temples and she was jittery and a little on the dizzy side. At least she wasn't sweating excessively like earlier in the day.

Only an hour to go.

"Five minutes, CJ."

"Okay."

"You all right?"

CJ looked up at Carol's concerned expression and smiled to ease her worry. "I'm fine, just a little hot."

"Do you want some iced water?"

"No, thanks." She rose slowly. "I don't want a full bladder before briefing."

The briefing, as with every briefing since the announcement, eventually turned its questions on her. The focus had shifted slightly during the week from attacks to speculation and conjecture on everything, from what role religion had played in her going ahead with the pregnancy to the dangers associated with her age. There seemed to be a nationwide search for the father.

She was considering making a recording of 'The White House doesn't comment on the private lives of its staff'.

"What part of no comment don't you understand, David?"

The room spun and she lowered her head to fix her gaze on the podium, her knuckles white as they gripped the sides. Breathe in, breathe out, slow down. She couldn't moisten her mouth and the hot lights weren't making her sweat as they normally did.

"CJ," Carol whispered in her ear, her hand under CJ's elbow. "Finish up."

CJ raised her head to find a number of her reporters looking worried. She must be a sight.

"Okay. If no one has any questions that I can answer with something other than no comment--" CJ paused and couldn't remember what was next.

She heard Carol finish up over the increased thudding in her temples and allowed herself to be guided out of the room.

"CJ?"

CJ leaned back against the wall outside the press room, trying to slow down her heart and clear her head. Black spots danced in front of her eyes and the briefing folder slipped from her fingers.

Her last memory was of the floor rushing up at her and Carol screaming for help.

-------

Tired. So tired. Her eyes protested their opening but she needed to know where she was.

White ceiling. Blurry. Where were her glasses?

She blinked and her focus improved a little.

Bed.

Drip pinching the skin on the back of her left hand.

Sore muscles.

Panic.

Where was she? Where was her daughter?

Her palms and fingers tried to locate her, tried to feel for the slight bulge below her waist. Was it still there? Was her daughter still there?

An ultrasound. That's what she needed.

"CJ."

Hands covered hers, squeezing them tight.

"CJ, she's okay. You still have her."

She looked up into what she assumed was Abbey's face. It was at least her voice.

"You sure?" Her throat and mouth were dry and raspy.

"I'm positive. Your daughter is fine."

Sobs. But no tears. Where were the tears?

Arms around her, cheek to cheek, rocking.

"Everything's all right. Go back to sleep."

Exhaustion. Darkness.

She tried to fight it, but she wasn't strong enough. Never strong enough.

Better. Her mouth was moist, she wet her lips. Still a little blurry, but she could see Abbey sitting to the right of the bed. It was her face. Her smile.

"How are you feeling?" She leaned close and brushed CJ's cheek.

"I don't know." Her throat hurt.

Abbey stood and fetched a cup of water, holding the straw and propping up CJ's head as she sipped.

"You want to sit up a bit?"

CJ nodded and the next minutes were spent rearranging the bed. Her hands came to rest on her stomach.

"Is she really okay?"

Abbey held her right hand. "Yes, she's fine. Doctor Martin will be in to see you soon. What do you remember?"

"The briefing. My head hurt and I was dizzy. Carol helped me out." CJ pinched the bridge of her nose with the fingers of her left hand, the drip pulling and catching her attention. "I dropped my folder and she screamed."

"You need to give Carol a raise. I don't think scaring her half to death was in the job description. She grabbed your arm." Abbey traced a ring of blue finger marks around CJ's upper arm. "And protected your stomach as you fell. A couple of your reporters, I think it was Mark and Steve, helped carry you to your office. And then the ambulance brought you here."

"Why--" CJ cleared her throat. "Why did I pass out?"

"How much did you have to drink yesterday and today?"

CJ frowned. "I don't know. I had a number of meetings and I didn't want to be needing a toilet break every five minutes, so a little less than normal I guess."

"With the heat and humidity and the pregnancy increasing your body temperature, you need to be drinking water constantly."

"I can't be interrupting meetings all day--"

Abbey cut her off. "CJ, when they brought you in, your urine output was nil. You had severe dehydration." She waited for that to sink in before continuing in a firm tone. "You were very lucky you didn't miscarry or end up with kidney damage."

"Really?" CJ felt like throwing up.

"Yes." Abbey sighed. "I don't want to scare you, CJ, but you need to make sure you drink plenty and cut out the coffee. Also you need looser, cooler clothing. This can't happen again."

CJ sniffed and wiped her nose. "Okay." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "How long am I in here for?"

"I don't know. Depends on how quickly they can get your fluid levels back to normal."

CJ shook with a muffled sob. "I can't do this."

The mattress shifted and CJ didn't fight as Abbey pulled her into an embrace, her face buried in the older woman's neck.

"Yes, you can."

She was rehydrated enough for tears.

-------

"Can I come in?"

CJ looked over to the doorway of her hospital room, smiling when she saw the visitor.

"Depends. Did you bring paperwork with you?"

"No paperwork."

"Then you can enter."

Carol crossed directly to the bed, dropping a parcel and her bag on the end before throwing her arms around CJ.

"Don't you ever do that to me again," she whispered in CJ's ear.

CJ tightened the hug and swallowed tears. "I'll try not to. Thank you."

Embarrassment tinged Carol's cheeks when she pulled back, unsure whether she should have requested permission before crossing the line between assistant and friend. CJ squeezed her hand in reassurance.

"How are you feeling?" Carol sat down on the chair next to the bed.

"Tired." She rubbed the back of her hand where the drip had been inserted. "My fluid levels are back to normal, but my blood pressure has gone through the roof. Only advantage of the dehydration was the low blood pressure." CJ grinned wanly.

Carol's forehead furrowed in concern. "Is there anything they can do?"

"Bed rest and no stress. The bed rest is the only thing Dr. Martin can control, so I'm stuck here for the duration. They'll try medication if that doesn't help."

"Well, don't worry about work. Henry and Simon are doing fine and Leo read the press corps the riot act."

CJ cringed. "He didn't?"

"Off the record of course. He told them that if anything happened to you or the baby he'd hold them personally responsible." Carol smiled. "And he threatened he'd take over the briefings."

CJ couldn't prevent a small smile of her own at that thought, but the worry returned. "I wish he hadn't done that. How the hell am I supposed to go back in front of them now? My credibility is gone."

"CJ." Carol leaned forward and clasped CJ's hand between her own. "It's okay. Most of the senior reporters were already worried about you and haven't been happy with the gutter journalism. I thought Steve, Katie, Mark, Chris and a couple of the others were going to applaud Leo." She pulled an envelope from her handbag. "They asked me to give you this."

Inside a get well and congratulations card, signed by eleven of the reporters, were two fairly sizeable gift certificates. One was for a baby store she'd passed surreptitiously several times and would now be able to enter; the second entitled her to a day of massage and pampering.

CJ bit her lip, wiping away several stray tears. "Could you please get me their home addresses? I'll send them thank you notes." She knew they were risking some damage to their careers by showing her such friendship and care.

Carol took the card and quickly transcribed the names. She handed it back, receiving two envelopes in exchange.

"And could you give these thank you notes to Mark and Steve?"

"Sure." Carol tucked them in her bag, before reaching to the end of the bed for the parcel. "To keep you company."

The wrapping paper featured teddy bears and ducks. CJ wasn't sure she'd ever be able to look at rubber ducks the same way again.

She laughed after she'd unwrapped the gift. "Where did you find it?"

A small collar with a tag inscribed 'Gail' encircled one fin of the plush goldfish.

"I have my ways." Carol grinned. "I thought you'd be missing her and this way you can cuddle her without suffocating her."

"Thank you. It's perfect." CJ pulled Carol close, kissing her on the cheek. "There's something I want to ask you."

"Don't worry about Gail. I'm feeding her."

"That wasn't it, but thanks for the reassurance." She paused, rubbing the fish collar between her thumb and forefinger before meeting Carol's eyes. "Would you be my daughter's godmother?"

Carol's eyes widened, and she opened and closed her mouth several times before forcing out, "Are you sure? I'm only your assistant."

"You've never been only anything, Carol. I spend more time with you than anyone. You're one of my closest friends and I'd like you to be her godmother."

"I'd be honored."

CJ pointed at Carol's trembling lip. "Don't start. I've done enough of that for both of us." As Carol pulled her into an embrace, she finished, "And you're not tutoring her in spelling."

-------

Dr. Martin would only release her on the condition of strict bed rest until her blood pressure stabilized. That wasn't going to happen at home, so Abbey and the President insisted she stay at the Residence.

CJ had been reluctant, but faced with at least another week in the hospital, she'd agreed. A nurse taught her how to take her own blood pressure as Dr. Martin wanted daily monitoring for the rest of the pregnancy.

Her initial misgivings had evaporated within hours while sitting in a huge comfortable bed and eating a tasty meal. She received frequent visits from her colleagues, which broke up the monotony of the days, and Abbey spent as much time as she could with her. The First Lady was a card shark.

"What are you doing?"

Caught. CJ quickly flicked from C-Span to NBC and smiled innocently at Abbey. "That Sami Brady is a real bitch."

"And maybe I should cut your cable access." Abbey reached the bed carrying a large box.

"For me?"

"Arrived by courier. No return address, but security scanned it and aren't worried." She placed it down next to CJ. "And I mean it, stop watching the briefings."

"Yes, Mom."

Abbey cut through the tape, opening the box and pulling out an object wrapped in pale green paper. She handed it to CJ before moving the box to the floor and sitting in its place. "You going to unwrap it?"

CJ looked nervously at the parcel in her lap, taking a deep breath and locating the end of the paper. She froze when the gift was revealed.

"Oh, CJ. It's gorgeous."

CJ just stared, too many emotions competing for supremacy.

"CJ?" Abbey gained her attention by squeezing her arm. "What's wrong?"

She opened her mouth but no sound emerged. Her gaze was drawn back to the enormous gift basket filled with candies, ornaments, soaps and bubble baths.

And in pride of place in the center, two plush giraffes. A large 'giraffe'-colored one and a very cute small one in purple and white. Mom and baby.

"CJ?"

"It's from Danny." Her voice broke on his name.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded, unable to look away. "He--he used to call me giraffe. Tall, graceful, beautiful. I told him I was only one of those three." CJ reached out to stroke the head of the larger toy through the cellophane. "The rest are my favorites and the ornaments are for Gail's bowl."

Abbey untied the green ribbon from the top of the cellophane, opening it out and picking up the toys. She handed them to CJ before moving the basket to the other side of the bed.

CJ placed the giraffes on the bed closer to Abbey, not willing to have any more contact than necessary. But she couldn't keep her eyes off them.

"He loves you." Abbey picked up the smaller one. "And there's a part of him which can't help loving this baby simply because she's yours."

CJ shook her head, pursing her lips in an attempt to contain the emotional turmoil. No, she couldn't allow herself to contemplate that possibility.

"Look." Abbey pointed to a 'Press here' sticker on its hoof and followed the instructions.

The little giraffe's neck began to sway from side to side and a child's voice sang, "Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, how are you?"

Abbey smiled as the line repeated, followed by, "Thank you, thank you, I am fine and I hope that you are too."

Closing her eyes and pressing her hand to her mouth, CJ choked on a sob. She didn't need this, not now.

"You should call and thank him."

CJ snorted and grabbed a handful of tissues from the bedside table. "I think that kinda defeats his intention of sending it anonymously."

"If he didn't want you to know, he wouldn't have made it so personal." Abbey gestured at the basket. "And if he didn't still care, he wouldn't have sent it."

Damn Abbey's logic.

"Tell him the truth."

"I can't!" CJ implored.

"You mean you won't."

Damn bed rest. She couldn't escape the inquisition. "I'm not arguing semantics with you."

"You're making a mistake." Abbey didn't know the meaning of backing off.

"And it's my mistake to make."

"I'd normally agree, but you are affecting two other lives and you don't have the right to do that," Abbey replied firmly.

CJ snapped. "And what was the President's and your excuse?"

Abbey ignored the jibe. "What are you going to tell your daughter when she asks who her dad is?"

"Danny will be on the birth certificate." She'd never intended anything else. It was the least she could do.

"And when she asks whether you loved him?"

CJ wound the edge of the sheet around her fingers. "By the time she's old enough to understand, this will be over and he'll know."

"So you will tell him after the term is over?" Abbey's expression was disbelieving.

CJ looked down at the sheet. "Probably."

"Do you really think he would forgive you for making him miss the first three years of his daughter's life?"

"I don't know." CJ shrugged. "But he wouldn't turn his child away."

"What if he's moved on? Married, a family of his own?"

No. CJ shook her head. No.

"CJ. Look at me."

Abbey's school ma'am tone was next to impossible to ignore. Her eyes weren't any softer.

"You can't expect him to pine away for the next three and a half years. Yes, he still loves you. But he doesn't trust you and as far as he knows there isn't anything worth waiting for."

CJ bit her lip. She didn't want to think about it, she was having enough trouble surviving the here and now.

"He's already uprooted his life. Is it fair of you to disrupt it again in a couple of years?"

She blurted out the first thought that entered her head. "If he really loved me he wouldn't have left."

"You've got to be kidding, CJ." Abbey shook her head. "You told him you cheated on him and were carrying another man's baby. You expected him to be okay with that?"

"He should have known me well enough to know I wouldn't cheat on him," CJ whispered, looking back down at her hands twisting the material.

"I don't know what fairytale you're living in--"

"The same one where I thought I could fall in love with one of my reporters."

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