TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (8/12)
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.
Full notes in Chapter 1.

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Impossible to sleep.

Sick of tossing and turning, CJ rose from the bed and dressed in a pair of loose sweat pants and a t-shirt, slippers on her feet. She opened the door slowly, poking her head out to survey the hall. Empty. Make a run for it.

Fully expecting a Secret Service team to leap out of the shadows and drag her back to bed, CJ walked as quietly as possible towards the West Wing while trying not to appear suspicious. Abbey and Dr. Martin would probably tie her to the bed if they found out, but she needed a change of scenery. Lying back there with her thoughts was more of a danger to her blood pressure than a short stroll.

Silent sentinels stepped out at her approach, relaxing and nodding as they recognized her. Passing each, CJ wondered if they were rushing to the nearest phone to alert the First Lady.

Her feet subconsciously chose her path, stopping outside the pressroom door. A wave of anxiety broke over her as she pushed the door open. Swallowing nervously, she forced herself to enter and step up to the podium.

The edges dug into her fingers as she gripped her old friend. She stared at the wood before raising her eyes to the darkened seats. They swam in front of her, distorted through uncorrected vision and a thin film of tears.

How was she going to get back up here? Could she throw herself to the clamoring hoards again? Did she have the right to expose her daughter to an existence of curious stares and whispered innuendo?

The room tilted and her legs wobbled. She needed to sit down before she fell down.

His seat beckoned and she surrendered to its pull. She slipped out of her shoes and brought her knees up to her chest, her stomach not yet large enough to prevent the position.

Closing her eyes and breathing deeply, she felt his essence wrap around her in a comforting shroud. With little effort, she conjured up his image, felt his chest pressed against her back, his hands overlaying her stomach. His aftershave, his breath and whiskers on the side of her neck, his voice whispering her name...

"CJ."

Something touched her shoulder and she jerked awake.

"Are you all right, CJ?"

It was Leo's voice.

"Yeah." She lowered her feet back to the floor.

Leo sat down next to her. "What are you doing here?"

"I needed some fresh air. Don't tell Abbey, she'll ground me." CJ stared straight ahead at the podium. "And you?"

"I was leaving when one of the guards mentioned you were wandering." He paused. "How's your dad doing?"

CJ sighed heavily. "He thinks this was his fault. That if he hadn't called me--" She leaned forward, resting her face in her hands. "I should've insisted the President accept my resignation."

"You know he wouldn't take it. And he's not going to now."

"I'm a liability, Leo." She gestured towards the stage. "I have no credibility up there. You told me the administration comes first."

"And how is leaving now going to help?"

She searched for an answer in her lap.

"CJ, look at me."

She slowly looked up.

"If you really want to go, we won't stop you. But the headlines won't disappear. Mary Marsh and her ilk will say that this confirms your child is an embarrassment. Do you want to give them that satisfaction?" Leo raised his eyebrows in question as he took her hand.

CJ shook her head in the negative, her shoulders slumped.

"I spent years in a bottle trying to drown out the critics, the voices telling me I wasn't worthy, wasn't needed. But the worst of those voices were in my head." He squeezed her hand. "Believe me, CJ. Reality is never as bad as you're imagining it will be. Don't run. Stay and fight. Do it for your daughter. But most of all, do it for yourself."

"What if I'm not strong enough?" She winced at her tiny, frightened voice.

"You are strong enough. It takes more strength to acknowledge you need help. There's no shame in asking for and accepting it." He cupped her cheek with his other hand. "There are so many people who love you and want to help you anyway they can. Let us."

Leo's uncharacteristic show of physical affection touched her deeply. "So I shouldn't be mad at you for threatening my press corps?"

"Exactly. You learn fast." He rewarded her with his little grin. "Maybe you need to consider asking your baby's father for help."

CJ took a deep breath. "I'm not going to get married to fit into some outmoded view of what a family is supposed to look like. And I make enough money to support myself and my daughter."

"That isn't what I meant."

Her fingers worried the hem of her t-shirt. "He's not in the picture and it's best it stays that way. This--" She waved her hand, encompassing the podium and silent television monitors. "This is going to be hard enough to juggle with a baby. I don't need-- Just leave it alone, Leo. Please."

He nodded. "Okay. But make sure you don't wake up one morning and find you've missed your daughter growing up. You can't get that back."

"I don't intend to."

"None of us ever do."

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"Five minutes."

"Yeah," CJ acknowledged. Where had she put that folder?

"Looking for this?"

She turned to find Carol holding out her quarry. "Thanks. What would I do without you?"

"I have no idea." Carol smirked. "How are you feeling?"

CJ stopped her preparation and glared at her assistant. "Am I going to get this interrogation for the next five months?"

"Yeah, so get used to it."

"I should've known assistant and godmother was a bad combination." CJ grabbed the rest of her required materials and headed for the door. "I'm feeling good."

And she was. In the two weeks she'd been back at work since her collapse, her stomach had burgeoned and the press corps had been on their best behavior. She was expecting the honeymoon to end at any moment, but it was a pleasant change to be the center of curiosity and excitement, rather than attack.

If only she could get her colleagues to understand she wasn't going to break. Being treated like a china doll wore on her patience, and sooner or later she was going to snap some well-meaning person's head off.

She stopped outside the press room and rubbed her stomach. It had been churning the last few days and she wondered whether something she was eating wasn't agreeing with her. Though it didn't quite feel like indigestion.

The end of the briefing was in sight when the churning developed into something else. CJ paused, one hand covering her abdomen.

Carol moved to her side within seconds. "CJ? You okay?"

"Yeah," she whispered, not very convincingly. Looking back to her audience, she found a mass of concern. In her best briefing voice, she continued, "Thanks for the worry, everyone. I think my child is telling me to cut back on the vegetables and feed her more sugar. Moving right along..."

Her relief at escaping the press room was short lived as she found Josh and Abbey waiting with the kid gloves in the corridor.

"I'm okay," she stated, holding up her hands.

Abbey saw straight through the cover to the fear beneath. Grabbing CJ's elbow, she steered her towards her office. "Let me be the judge of that."

There was no point in protesting once Abbey got involved, so CJ followed her instructions.

"Sit down on the couch. Carol, could you close the door? You need to stay outside, Josh. I want to do a quick examination."

Abbey sat down next to her and grasped her hand to get her attention. "What's going on?"

CJ shrugged. "I've had this weird churning, but not really churning, feeling the last few days."

"And what happened in there?"

"It was a lot stronger." CJ rubbed her free hand over the bump. "Really sudden."

"Do you have this feeling all day?"

"No. It comes and goes."

"You're, what? Just over twenty weeks?"

CJ nodded.

Abbey smiled and placed her other hand on CJ's stomach. "That weird churning is your daughter."

"Her moving?" CJ couldn't help sounding skeptical.

"I'd say she hit the side of the uterus while you were briefing. She's still got a lot of room to move around in there."

CJ's forehead creased in confusion. "I don't know exactly what I expected, but that wasn't it."

"Don't worry. Many first time moms don't recognize it. It's like a bad case of butterflies. It'll get stronger over the next few weeks and then the fun starts. She'll usually kick while you're trying to sleep, and it'll feel like she's trying to break out."

"Great," CJ replied with a mixture of excitement and horror.

Abbey kissed CJ on the cheek and draped her arm around her shoulders. "She already knows her mom's natural environment and wants in on the act."

"And her dad's." CJ blinked back tears and leaned her forehead against Abbey's.

"With that pedigree, her career is predestined."

"And here I was hoping for an astronaut." CJ laughed through the sniffles.

Abbey stroked her hair. "Jed will be grooming her from birth. Cregg in 2014."

"That's ambitious."

"With this group as her family, she'll be eleven going on forty."

CJ smiled as her daughter moved in agreement.

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"Look at this, Aunt CJ. It's so cute."

She should never have let Hogan drag her into the baby shop.

"It's lovely, Hogan. But her closet is already bigger than mine and she isn't even going to be here for another four months." CJ fingered the tiny red velvet dress. It was beautiful.

Hogan began her sales pitch. "Babies need lots of clothes, usually a couple of changes per day, and they grow really quickly."

CJ smiled. "When did you become the baby expert?"

"I've been reading and Simone's mom just had a baby. He was a bit of a surprise too." Hogan looked at the outfit longingly and then back at CJ. "I'd like to buy it for her. It should be the right size to wear at Christmas."

"She'll look gorgeous." CJ squeezed Hogan's shoulder. "Thank you."

While Hogan went to the sales counter, a plush toy caught CJ's eye. She grinned as she recognized it, remembering Danny protesting vehemently that he didn't look anything like the Cowardly Lion from 'The Wizard of Oz'.

Picking it up, she stared into its furry face. Definitely him.

"Cool. They've got all of them." Hogan pointed to Dorothy, Scarecrow and Tinman sitting on the shelf.

"I didn't realize 'Wizard of Oz' was still known to today's youth," CJ teased.

Hogan rolled her eyes in response. "You should buy them."

"I'll start with this one." She retrieved her purse from her bag. "We'd better go and hit the dress stores. I don't know how many stock semiformal maternity dresses."

As it turned out, more than she expected. Unfortunately her dislike of frills and pastels quickly cut down the list.

"This one has really stylish dresses."

CJ looked in the window. "Yes, it does. So I doubt they'll have what I want."

"Let's find out." Hogan grabbed her hand and pulled her inside, immediately honing in on a sales assistant. "Hi. Do you have any cocktail dresses that would fit my five-month pregnant aunt?"

"Hogan!"

"She doesn't want frills and would prefer darker solid colors."

The sales assistant, a well-dressed woman in her mid-fifties, smiled at Hogan. "I think we might have exactly what your aunt is after. Follow me." She led them to a rack of maternity dresses. "The cocktail dresses are on this end. I think this size should be right."

CJ took several of the dresses indicated into the change room.

"Too loose," Hogan commented on the first one. "You want to show off your tummy and breasts."

CJ shared a smile with the assistant, before addressing Hogan. "Do I?"

"Pregnant women are sexy."

"Hate to break the news to you, Sweetie, but I don't feel remotely sexy."

"That's because you haven't found the right dress," Hogan replied with the certainty of a teenager.

Swallowing a laugh, CJ inquired, "So I should try on the next one?"

Hogan nodded enthusiastically.

The second dress was a possibility, the third a little severe in appearance, or as Hogan termed it, the funeral dress.

CJ knew the fourth was it as soon as she glanced in the mirror. A vibrant red, the cut of the material highlighted her newly discovered cleavage and skimmed over her bump. She didn't want to appear ashamed, but she also didn't want the size of her stomach defining her. This was perfect; not too obvious, yet not hiding it.

"That's the dress," Hogan cried, as CJ walked out.

CJ inspected herself from all angles in the larger mirrors. "You think so?"

"It's beautiful."

"Not sexy?" CJ queried in mock disappointment.

"Very sexy," Hogan assured her.

The sales assistant approached them. "It does look lovely and is a perfect fit."

"Not too perfect I hope." CJ ran her hands down the sides of her breasts. "I don't want to grow out of it before I wear it."

"How far away is it?"

"Four days."

"You'll be fine. The material still has some give around the bust and I doubt you'll grow that much in four days."

"So it's probably just my imagination that I gain a dress size overnight." CJ gave herself one last look over to confirm. "Okay. I'll buy it."

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"Hurry up, CJ."

"I'll be ready in a minute, Josh, and if you knock on that door one more time--"

"We're going to be late," he called through the hotel room door.

CJ fixed her earrings. "Are the President and First Lady down there yet?"

"No, but--"

"This is ridiculous," CJ mumbled to herself, opening the door. "Come in and stop yelling." She didn't glance at him, instead walking back to the mirror and picking up her lipstick. "You're never on time."

The room was too quiet. Locating Josh's reflection in the mirror, she grinned at his stunned expression. She turned to face him. "So, do I look okay?"

"You're wearing that?"

"Yes, brother dear. I thought I'd play up the scarlet woman image. Just need the big 'S' to complete the outfit." CJ rolled her eyes and turned back to the mirror.

Josh held up his hands in defense. "That isn't what I meant. I was just--you look amazing, CJ."

"Thanks."

"At least with this being the fundraiser for the cardiac research institute, there should be plenty of doctors on hand to save all the men having heart attacks." He walked up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders. "They'll be lining up around the block wanting to be the father of this baby. But don't worry, I'll be vetting them."

"You will?" CJ replaced the lid on the lipstick.

"Only the best for my niece." He kissed her on the cheek. "Ready?"

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Maybe she should have gone with the funeral dress. The event was only officially forty minutes old and she'd already had more attention than she wanted. She wasn't sure if it was the dress or the curiosity value of a single pregnant White House Press Secretary. But she had no doubt it would be the dress as the alcohol consumption increased.

She tried to stick close to her colleagues, but had lost them when her daughter's new game of using her bladder as a jumping castle had necessitated a bathroom break.

Scanning the ballroom, she heard her name called from behind her. God, no.

"CJ."

She swallowed and plastered on a smile before turning.

"Danny. I didn't realize political editors covered social events."

Desire flared in his eyes as he glanced over her. It was quickly buried under his professional demeanor and a mixture of thinly disguised anger and sadness.

"I don't."

He was wearing a tie she had given him and the dinner suit--

"Actually I talked him into it, I really wanted to meet you."

CJ's attention shifted to a young, pretty brunette, her arm linked through Danny's.

"I'm Louise Shearer."

CJ shook her outstretched hand. "CJ Cregg."

"It's such a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Cregg. I'm only reporting on local level politics at the moment, but I hope to make it to the White House Press Corps one day."

CJ hoped her smile didn't appear as false as it felt. "Well, Danny is definitely the one to give you tips."

"Yeah." Louise squeezed his arm. "He's really taken me under his wing."

Jealousy bubbled within her, as Danny smiled at Louise and patted her hand. "You're very fortunate."

"I know. I still don't understand why he would want to leave the White House, but I'm glad to have the opportunity to learn from him."

CJ quelled the urge to ask where the teaching was taking place. Abbey was right; she'd let him go and couldn't expect him to pine away for her. But she'd expected a slightly longer mourning period. And to parade his new-- If he was trying to hurt her, it was working. She quickly glanced around, searching for an escape route as Louise continued to gush.

"And I think you're so brave, not caring what anyone thinks and just doing your job."

"Thank you," she replied politely, as she forced her hand away from her neck. Danny would recognize the meaning of the neck rubbing. She avoided looking at him, not wanting to know if he was taking any pleasure from her discomfort.

"There you are, CJ."

CJ muffled an audible sigh of relief and turned in the direction of the voice. "Ma'am. You need me?" Her eyes begged Abbey for rescue, while she tried not to sound desperate.

"There's someone I want you to talk to." Abbey acknowledged her companions. "Nice to see you again, Danny. The White House isn't quite the same without you."

"Hello, Mrs Bartlet. I'd like to introduce you to Louise Shearer, one of my most promising reporters."

Abbey shook the hand of the tongue-tied Louise. "Lovely to meet you, Louise. You must be good to catch Danny's eye."

CJ felt Danny's gaze on her but didn't meet it.

Abbey linked her arm with CJ's. "I hope you don't mind, but I need to steal this lady."

After brief farewells, CJ followed Abbey outside onto a balcony. She didn't relax until she knew she was out of sight of the room's occupants.

"Sit down." Abbey pulled her over to a seat.

"Thank you." CJ took several deep breaths of the cool night air. "If I'd known he was going to be here..."

"It's just as well you didn't then."

CJ regarded Abbey suspiciously. "You knew." It was a statement, not a question.

"You need to talk to him."

"Abbey. Butt out." She started to rise.

Abbey grabbed her hand and stated in a firm voice, "Don't throw this opportunity away, CJ."

"What opportunity? He's already moved on."

Abbey laughed. "Louise? She isn't even close to being in the picture. I won't deny she's probably attracted to him, but it's mostly hero worship." She clasped CJ's chin and made her look directly at her. "As for Danny, he's watching one woman in that room."

"He's probably hoping I'll spontaneously combust."

"He's only ever had eyes for you, CJ." Abbey moved her hands to cup CJ's cheeks. "Take the chance."

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