TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (9/12)
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.
Full notes in Chapter 1.

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Another hour of small talk and political maneuvering and CJ needed fresh air.

She wandered back out to the seat at the far end of the balcony, relieved to kick off her shoes and close her eyes for a few minutes.

"May I join you?"

He must have followed her out.

Her stomach clenched as she kept her eyes closed. "If you want." She smelt his cologne and felt his sleeve brush her arm. Only when she knew he was seated next to her did she open her eyes, fixing her stare straight ahead.

They sat in silence for several minutes. CJ struggled to keep her tension levels capped, clasping her hands on her lap to stop them fidgeting. He was too close and she was too aware of every contour of his body.

He finally spoke. "How are you?"

"Fine."

"You look...really good."

"Thanks." She kept her tone flat.

"How--how's the baby?"

"Good."

"That's--good. Look, we need to talk."

"I thought that's what we were doing."

He growled in frustration. "CJ."

"Where's Louise?" CJ pointed towards the room. "You shouldn't leave her alone too long. A lot of men on the prowl in there and they can smell fresh meat. You don't want to have to fight them for her."

"You don't have to worry about Louise."

She bent awkwardly and pulled on her heels. "I need to get back in there."

Danny grabbed her wrist. "We need to talk."

"I think we've already exhausted all possible topics." She tried to shake off his hold, but he tightened his grip. Combined with a glare, she hissed, "Let go of me."

"No." Determination lined his face. "I'm not leaving you alone until we talk."

"We've got nothing to talk about."

He moved his face closer to hers and lowered his voice. "Yes, we do. I've been doing the math and I want to know how you can be so sure she was conceived in the week I was away."

CJ quickly glanced around for anyone in hearing range. "Not here, Danny," she growled through clenched teeth.

"Then where? Because I'm not leaving until you answer me."

His tone and facial expression left her in no doubt he was serious. She glanced at her watch, struggling to determine the best course of action.

"CJ?"

"Come up to my room in ten minutes. 607." She regretted the invitation as soon as it left her mouth. But what choice did she have?

"Okay."

She stood as he released her wrist, practically bolting towards the door.

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What the hell was she going to tell him?

She paced back and forth in stockinged feet in her hotel room, shaking her head.

This was madness. She couldn't tell him the truth, but how could she get him to believe the lie?

They'd always used the diaphragm; she didn't use anything with Mark. She knew when she ovulated--

The knock on the door.

CJ froze, the second knock prompting her into opening the door.

"Come in." She didn't look directly at him as he entered and spent an extra minute examining the wood of the door after she closed it. Taking a deep breath, she turned and started, "Danny..."

He was standing close, close enough that she took a step back into the door. But it was his eyes that tipped her world on its axis. She'd never expected to see that look again.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered, reaching out to cup her cheek.

She couldn't do anything as he pressed her against the door with his body, as his lips brushed across hers. She couldn't do anything but respond, their kiss growing rapidly in passion as her arms encircled his neck. His hand pulled her dress up around her waist, before slipping between her legs. She whimpered at the first touch on her clit, the push of his hardening penis against her thigh, the presence of their child between them.

He must've removed his dinner jacket while she was closing the door. Made it easier to pull the shirt out of his pants and feel his skin under her fingertips. The fine hairs on his torso, the warmth, his taste, the prickle of his beard against her face, the guttural sounds as his arousal increased... God, she'd missed him.

Danny pulled back and the loss of contact restarted the rational side of her brain. She had to stop this; she couldn't use his body before they talked. She couldn't give him hope and then tear it away. She couldn't hurt him like that again.

"Danny."

"Sshh." He shook his head and placed his finger on her lips.

"We need to--"

He replaced his finger with his lips, swallowing her protest. The hormones and arousal surging through her body swamped the dissenting views. There was only her need for him.

They stood naked next to the bed, Danny behind her with his hands cupping her breasts, learning their new shape. She leaned back against his chest, her head tilted to the side as he nuzzled her neck.

She moaned as he flicked her nipples and trailed his hands down her body, stopping at her belly. With slow reverent motions, he traced every square inch of the distended skin. She bit her lip in an attempt to stop the tears, but couldn't prevent a muffled sob heaving through her chest.

Danny pressed his face against her cheek, not even attempting to hide his own tears. He kept one hand on her stomach, the other slipping between her legs. She rocked against his palm, as his erection slid between her thighs.

Lying spooned on the bed, Danny arranged their limbs and slowly pushed inside her. One hand remained over their child, the other pressing against her clit. Her orgasm hit hard and fast, her sensitivity heightened by pregnancy hormones.

When she recovered, she started to press back against his groin, but he wasn't able to move fast or deep enough.

"Knees," she whispered.

"You sure?"

CJ nodded and he pulled out, helping her rise to her hands and knees. Clasping her hips, he rubbed the tip of his penis across her clit and folds.

"Now, Danny."

He pushed all the way in, before resting his upper body against her back and sliding his arms around her body, his hands coming to rest in their previous positions.

CJ closed her eyes as they rocked together, concentrating on the feel of him and the rush of arousal. He rose carefully, keeping his hands where she wanted them most, and started thrusting. She easily matched his rhythm; they'd always been compatible in this, able to anticipate each other's needs.

As another orgasm began to build, she felt stirrings of a different nature. Only faint, but over the last week or two she'd come to recognize the initial weak movements.

One last deep thrust, the moan of her name, ragged breathing, a finger pressed hard on her clit, and she followed him. He slumped against her for a few seconds, kissing her shoulder blade, murmuring his affections. Wanting to retain possession of her, he somehow, without withdrawing completely, lowered them to again lie spooned on the bed.

She couldn't escape even if she wanted to. Her muscles were lax with fatigue, her brain drowned in hormones. Nothing she could do other than relax against him.

Both his hands caressed her stomach, his heart beating directly behind hers. The only sound their slowing breathing. Her eyes closed.

It could have been seconds, minutes, hours. She had no idea. Their positions hadn't altered, he kept her imprisoned within his arms, her body hooked on his.

"You awake?"

"Yeah."

He kissed her shoulder. "We need to talk."

She automatically stiffened and tried to pull away, but he wouldn't let go.

"Stop fighting me, CJ." His chest vibrated against her back. "We made love the night before I left and the night I got back. I was only gone five nights. How can you be so sure she was conceived then?"

She was saved from answering by a sharp kick.

Danny held his breath, his hands pressing on her belly.

Another.

"Is that--"

She nodded.

"Wow."

The awe in his voice triggered silent tears.

"If there's any chance that she's mine, even the slightest, I want to be there." He paused at another kick. "Is there a chance?"

His mixture of longing and restrained hope broke her.

"Yes," she whispered.

He leaned his face against her shoulder, her skin growing damp from his tears. She squeezed his hands, waiting until he composed himself enough to speak again.

"Can I, umm, have a paternity test now? Or do we have to wait until she's born?"

"You don't need a test."

Danny paused in confusion, before rising on his elbow and leaning over so he could see her face. "I don't understand."

She turned her head and forced herself to meet his eyes. "She's yours."

"I--" He shook his head. "But you said--how can you be sure?"

The only way she could cope was by switching into press secretary mode. "She's one hundred percent yours. She was conceived the week you got back."

"How long have you known?"

"From the start," she mumbled.

"The start?" He sat bolt upright, pulling his hand away from her stomach. "You lied to me?"

She flinched.

"Is there a Mark?"

"No." She wanted to take away the pain, but he slapped her hand.

"Don't." He threw back the covers and scrambled out of bed. "I don't know what's worse. Thinking that you'd cheated on me for the last four months." He yanked on his boxers and pants. "Or knowing that you deliberately cut me out of my daughter's life. How could you do that to me, CJ? You know how much I loved you and I would've given up everything for you and our child."

She sat up and watched as he fumbled with his shirt buttons, wanting to say or do something, but knowing it wouldn't make any difference. "I'm sorry. I thought--"

"Shut up! I don't want to hear you spin this." He leaned over and pulled on his shoes. "I was always blind when it came to you. I thought what we had was mutual."

She held the sheet up against her body. "I do lov--"

Danny grabbed his jacket and tie. "You don't know the meaning of the word." He shook his head. "I just wish I'd known earlier what a selfish bitch you are."

His words and hurt stung more than any physical punishment. She couldn't do anything but watch as he wrenched the door open and slammed it behind him.

Sobs shuddered through her chest. She clenched her arms over her stomach and rocked. She'd been stupid to take Abbey's advice. The truth didn't matter. He had still walked out the door.

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CJ huddled under the covers, desperate for oblivion. But her guilt refused to let her sleep.

He was right. Yes, she'd been trying to protect him and the administration, but ultimately she'd been protecting herself. Hiding from the rules she had broken, hiding from Toby and Leo's disapproval. Hiding from acknowledging she'd fallen in love and was willing to risk her career for Danny.

The ring of the hotel phone interrupted her mental flagellation.

"Ms. Cregg. I apologize for the lateness of the call. There is a gentleman here by the name of Daniel Concannon who insists on speaking with you."

"Put him on." CJ pushed herself up into a sitting position.

"CJ?"

She closed her eyes. "Do you want to come up?"

"No."

She bit her lip as her free hand rubbed her stomach. It was over. He was about to tell her to go to hell.

"Can you delay returning to DC for a couple of days?"

Okay. She hadn't expected that. "I--I guess so."

"We need to sort this out."

"Okay." Maybe he wanted custody. Maybe she should offer it. He'd be a better mother. "Can you wait a few minutes? I'll call Leo."

"It's not too late?"

"Leo sacrificed sleep to the DNC a long time ago." Silence greeted her weak attempt at lightening the mood. "I'll call reception in a few minutes."

"I'll be here."

It took a few seconds for the dial tone to register in her ear. She allowed herself a brief interlude of misery before straightening her spine and calling Leo.

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CJ stood outside the hotel at 8am. Slight nip in the air, but she couldn't risk the possibility of seeing her colleagues in the lobby. She'd asked Leo to explain her absence.

Out here she could hide her red eyes behind sunglasses.

A car stopped in front of her and she looked up to see Danny getting out. Jeans, buttoned shirt, and sunglasses to match her own. Both hiding.

"This it?" He pointed to her luggage.

"Yeah."

While he was loading the bags in the trunk, she settled in the passenger seat, taking a deep breath. She looked straight ahead when he got in the driver's side.

"You had breakfast?"

CJ shook her head.

"That's first then. I don't want my daughter starving."

She bit her lip to prevent a sharp response.

Breakfast was strained but formal due to their public exposure. He watched her every bite.

"Danny." She dropped her fork onto the plate. "I can't eat when someone's staring at me. She's not starving and the doctor is happy with my weight gain."

He looked down at his own barely touched breakfast. "Sorry."

"I'm taking good care of her." She picked up a piece of toast.

"What did you tell Leo?"

"That I wanted to visit my parents. I don't have to be back in DC till Monday." If things didn't improve between them she would go to Napa. She couldn't deal with four days of tension.

"I thought we might go to Golden Gate Park."

CJ didn't know how to react. She'd been hoping to go somewhere private and get it over and done with. But maybe she should let him take the lead. "Okay."

"So, what first?" Danny asked her an hour later, standing in a car park in the middle of Golden Gate Park.

CJ shrugged.

"I haven't been to the Academy of Sciences yet."

"Fine," she replied with little enthusiasm.

Five months of hiding their relationship and the past four months apart should have made it easier, but she was too aware of him. Her libido had resurfaced with a vengeance since he'd pushed her against that door. He'd haunted what little sleep she'd managed and left her seeking urgent release on waking.

Much to her chagrin, just walking next to him was enough to arouse her body. It's only pregnancy hormones, only pregnancy hormones. Maybe if she repeated it enough--

His hand on her sleeve.

"Aquarium, planetarium, or museum?"

"Aquarium, but I'll need a bathroom before I can look at that amount of water."

She exited quietly from the bathroom, taking a moment to watch him. He'd put on a few pounds around the waist; his hair was longer and more unruly, highlighting the increasing number of grey strands peppering the red.

Were they too old for a baby?

Mid to late fifties by the time she hit puberty, close to retirement age when she graduated from college...was that fair to her?

CJ leaned back against the wall as doubts took control. She shouldn't have told him. She should've taken leave or quit when she found out she was pregnant. She could've laid low and adopted her out to a real couple young enough to provide what she'd need, what she deserved...maybe she should have ended it all at the very beginning.

Danny turned and spotted her and just for a moment his face lit up and her worries melted away.

Maybe they were enough.

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This was a mistake. She should've gone back to DC. She shouldn't have invited him up to her room. She shouldn't have let him touch her. She lied to his face before, why hadn't she this time?

Lowering her tense, tired and heavy body to the sand, she contemplated the last four hours. First the aquarium, followed by the Garden of Shakespeare's Flowers behind the Academy of Sciences. Then the AIDs Memorial Grove, the Strybing Arboretum, and a break at the Japanese Tea Garden. And now Ocean Beach, at the opposite end of Golden Gate Park to where they started.

CJ closed her eyes as the salt-laden breeze hit her face, almost welcoming the slight sting.

"Great view of the Bridge from here."

Danny shut up when she didn't reply.

He was driving her mad. Almost constant verbal diarrhea, he'd read out every information plaque they came across and chattered about everything except what they needed to discuss.

Maybe they could talk now. She needed to know what he wanted.

"Danny--"

"Do you want to go to Fisherman's Wharf? Apparently there's a Bubba Gump's Shrimp Factory."

Maybe not.

She opened her eyes and stared out at the water, trying to concentrate on the swell and keep her temper under control. "I don't think shrimp--"

"Of course, the smell wouldn't agree with you. A boat trip out to Alcatraz probably wouldn't be a good idea either. There are the historic ships down on Hyde Street Pier or the zoo or--"

CJ snapped. "Just stop, Danny! I went to Berkeley, I know this city better than you do, and I'm not here to be a tourist." Shit! She couldn't even get up. Reluctantly taking Danny's hand, he pulled her to a standing position. She immediately shook off his hold and backed away. "And don't mention the damn seahorses again. We'd all be happier if you were the one carrying this kid, but that's not going to happen."

One glance at his whipped puppy expression dissipated the remaining anger, leaving behind a bone-deep lethargy. She choked on a sob as she tried to take a deep breath.

"I--I'm really tired and hormonal. I need to check into a hotel room and lie down for a while." She couldn't meet his eyes.

"You're staying at my place." He put up his hand. "Don't bother arguing with me. You ready to go?"

Too exhausted to fight and with barely enough energy to remain standing, she nodded and accepted his offered arm.

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Danny dropped her bags on the floor by the foot of the bed.

"The bathroom's at the end of the hall. There's a clean towel behind the door and the sheets are fresh. What's wrong?"

She still stood in the doorway. "This is your bedroom."

"Don't worry. I haven't had any other women in here," he replied with a note of sarcasm.

"I don't c--" But she did care. "That isn't what I meant."

"There's only one bed." Danny pointed past her. "I'll sleep on the couch."

She knew he was waiting for her to protest some more, but all she wanted was to collapse and die. Whispering, "Okay," she walked over to the bed and sat down. Carefully raising her foot, she bent slightly to untie the shoelace.

"Let me." He knelt and swiftly removed her shoes and socks. "You need anything else?"

She shook her head.

"Just call if you do." He stared at her stomach before glancing at her, seeking permission.

She pulled the shirt up to bare her belly.

Hesitantly, Danny placed his hand on the swelling. His facial expression...

CJ closed her eyes, trying to ignore him. But his palm seared her skin and she didn't know how long she could keep him out. She clenched her hands into fists, preventing them from tangling in his hair--

"Get some sleep."

Her eyes opened, finding him near the door. An impassive mask covered the raw emotion.

She nodded, as he walked out and closed the door behind him.

A few minutes passed before she could move again. She pulled off her jeans and started exploring the room, searching for...something.

The top of the oak dresser was bare except for a bottle of cologne and a pile of papers. She opened the top drawer before she could talk herself out of it. Underwear.

The next two drawers also contained clothing. In the bottom drawer, in addition to sweaters, lay a cardboard box.

CJ stroked her fingertips across the lid, battling within herself.

Was her need to know he'd held on to something of them more important than respect for his privacy?

Didn't the fact that he'd made love to her the night before tell her enough?

Quickly shutting the drawer, she spied the clothes he slept in flung over a chair in the corner. CJ picked up the Notre Dame t-shirt and held it to her cheek, breathing him in.

After closing the heavier curtains to darken the room, she returned to the bed and draped the t-shirt over the pillow. She slipped under the covers and laid her head down on the material, her hands clasped over her belly.

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