TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (10/12)
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.
Full notes in Chapter 1.

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"You sleep well?" Danny looked up from his position on the couch.

"Yeah." Relieved at his friendly expression, CJ ran her hands over her stomach. "And now we're starving."

"Just as well dinner's on its way then." Danny stood and she followed him to the kitchen. "I'm making your favorite."

She caught a whiff of the simmering sauce and halted in the doorway, biting her lip.

"What do you want to drink?" He turned when she didn't answer and she wasn't quick enough to cover her frown. "What's wrong?"

Trying to smile, she mumbled, "You went to so much trouble--"

"CJ."

"I can't eat it. It gives me heartburn."

"Oh." He switched the stove off. "I didn't know that."

She crossed the room and rested her hand on his arm. "Don't let it go to waste. I can eat the pasta."

"Not much point in putting it on." He shrugged off her touch and forced her to step back as he moved the saucepan off the burner. "Anything else I need to know?"

"I'm sorry, Danny. You could've asked." She winced at her combative tone.

"And I'm supposed to believe anything you say?" He glared at her. "What do you want then?"

She waved him off. "Forget it."

Danny snorted. "That's just like you. Avoid making a decision."

"I've got no problem making the hard decisions." CJ closed her eyes and breathed deeply, trying to rein in her defensiveness. "It doesn't matter what I want, you can't give it to me," she continued in a small voice.

"You'll never know if you don't tell me."

She opened her eyes, finding him right in front of her. "White Castle hamburgers and an egg cream." Her stomach growled in agreement.

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "And that won't give you heartburn?"

"I have no idea. Cravings don't exactly make much sense." She shrugged. "It doesn't matter anyway. White Castle isn't out here. I can't even get them in DC."

"Let's go." He headed out of the kitchen.

"Did you hear what I said? They're not available."

He grabbed his keys and wallet off the living room table. "Yes, they are. I'm sure I've seen frozen ones. Come on."

As Danny searched the frozen food isles of the third supermarket, CJ stated, "The craving's gone. I'll have something else."

He didn't answer, only continued foraging.

"Danny."

"There's another supermarket three blocks over."

She had to speed up to catch him as he walked towards the door. "I'm sure there's something at your place I can eat. Let's go home."

He didn't slow or acknowledge her.

CJ grabbed his arm. "Danny--"

He halted and she nearly ran into him. "I'm going to get you the damn White Castle hamburgers. I'm going to provide for my daughter's needs."

"I'm going to kill him," CJ muttered under her breath, as Danny walked off again.

She insisted on staying in the car at the next supermarket.

"I'm sorry, Sweetie. I know you're hungry," she told her stomach. "But could you please shift a little. That's my bladder and I don't want to have to ask your father for a toilet stop. Then we'll never get home." CJ followed the rippling of a little limb across her abdomen. "Yeah, I feel like kicking him too. I was only joking about the killing part, though it'd probably be ruled justifiable homicide. He's stubborn." She smiled. "But that's how you got here. Your dad wore down my resistance and sneaked in--kind of like the flu. No, that's not true." Stroking her hands across her belly, she felt tears welling. "I do love him, Sweetheart. I just hope we can stop yelling at each other long enough to work this out. I know. I need to be more patient." CJ looked out the window as she noticed movement. "And here comes the smiling hunter-gatherer carrying grocery bags."

-------

"Still hungry?"

CJ sat in the single couch chair, at right angles to where Danny was on the opposite end of the loveseat. She patted her stomach. "We're good."

"Good." Danny's gaze alternated between her face and her belly.

"Ask what you want." Might as well get started.

"When's she due?"

An easy one to start. "December 6. But it could be ten days either side."

He grinned. "So we'll need a huge Christmas tree."

"She's already got a room full of clothes and stuffed toys," CJ warned, picturing a mountain of presents.

"She only has one first Christmas."

"True." CJ toed off her shoes and twisted so she could place her feet up on the loveseat.

Danny positioned a cushion under them. "And with her birthday so close to Christmas, she'll need enough to get her through the year."

CJ laughed. "She's already got her daddy wrapped around her little finger."

Pride and love flooded his face at the mention of 'daddy'. "I've always wanted a daughter," he whispered huskily.

She stayed silent, not wanting to break the first genuine moment of peace between them in nearly twenty-four hours. His hand absentmindedly squeezed her ankle.

"She is all right? She's growing okay?" Worry lines fractured his soft expression as his eyes searched hers for assurance. "When you collapsed--"

"She's fine." CJ kept her tone even, trying to calm the frantic edge of his questions. "The dehydration didn't have any effect on her. I see my obstetrician every two weeks and I'm having another scan next week to check her size." She held up her hand to stop his next question. "It's only a precaution, a confirmation. All the signs show she's growing normally."

"Is every two weeks normal?"

"Danny, I'm forty-two and this is my first pregnancy. Those two things alone are enough to make me high-risk. Add in my hypertension--the doctor's just keeping a close eye on me so she can head off any problems before they occur. Stop worrying." CJ leaned forward, tilting her head and raising her eyebrows. "Okay?"

His nod lacked conviction, but she let it go.

"You bought a couple of egg creams, didn't you?"

Within minutes she'd drunk half a bottle. Seeing Danny's quirked lips and shaking head, she asked, "What?"

"You have strange cravings."

"This isn't a craving, it's a basic food group. She's going to be born with an egg cream in her hand."

"Why egg creams?"

"I have no idea. I think it's become my coffee substitute." She set the bottle down on the small table next to her chair. "This isn't quite as good as the real thing, but it's close enough."

"You're getting the real thing in DC?"

"Toby's my supplier." A sudden thought and she let her head fall back against the couch as she laughed. "I bet it's another step in her Yankees indoctrination."

"The Yankees?"

CJ rolled her eyes at the ceiling. The men in her life were too territorial when it came to team sports. She'd have to mitigate their influence. "Yeah. Sorry if you had another team in mind. Toby considers it a sacred part of his godfatherly duties. She's already got the tiny hat."

"She got a godmother too?"

"Carol. And Sam and Josh are introducing themselves as uncles and advisers to the future President Cregg." She paused for a moment and grimaced. "They're all wonderful and supportive, and the President and Leo have made things easier, but it's all too much sometimes. Everyone defers to the pregnancy and I want to yell, 'Hey! I'm up here. Talk to me, not my belly'." She raised her head to look at him. "Does that make sense, or is it selfish?"

His face devoid of emotion, he answered in a flat tone, "You asking for my opinion? What would I know? I've never been close to a pregnancy." Danny rose from the couch. "I'm going to have a shower."

Her stomach rolled and she tried to reach out to grab his hand, but her body wouldn't allow her to move quickly enough. "Danny, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. Let's talk. You talk."

"Don't. I'm not doing this now. Just--" He dismissed her with a wave of his hand and walked out of the room.

"Then when?" she whispered.

-------

A couple of photos of the President and various members of the senior staff decorated his bookshelves...but not one of her.

She'd done the same thing. But it didn't lessen the hurt.

Rubbing her lower back, CJ wandered aimlessly around the living room. This wasn't working out how she'd expected--the current simmering anger punctuated by small outbursts was incredibly wearing. Massive explosions were much easier to deal with, and part of her itched to provoke one.

She wouldn't, at least not yet. But how much longer before her patience snapped was anyone's guess.

She didn't react when he entered the room, just continued staring at the bookshelf.

"The biography of Abigail Bartlet is a good read."

Her lips quivered and she turned to face him. "Really?"

Danny stood next to the couch dressed in the Notre-Dame t-shirt and draw-string pajama pants, his hair a mass of curls from the shower. "So I've heard."

CJ took a hesitant step towards him. He turned away, grabbed one of the sheets he'd dumped on the coffee table, and started to make up the couch.

"I'm beat. Didn't get much sleep last night." He glanced back at her, the unspoken 'thanks to you' written on his face. "Goodnight."

"Okay," she replied in a wavering voice, understanding that she was being politely dismissed. She clenched her hands. Should she push?

"CJ," he warned. He'd returned his attention to the couch, but she could picture his face from his tone. Eyes closed, lips tight, brow wrinkled.

She opened her mouth to protest. He was taking control, setting the pace. She didn't like it. Didn't like it at all.

"I'm not doing this tonight. Just...go."

Shoulders slumping, she pursed her lips to contain any stray sobs or words. She wanted something he wasn't ready to give. Blinking hard, she willed herself not to cry. She couldn't blame him for acting this way. She had been in charge for months, making all the important decisions without consulting him.

"Goodnight, CJ," he prompted, his hands deliberately smoothing the wrinkles out of the double sheet as he tried to fit it on the sofa cushions.

She watched him, hoping that he'd try as hard to fit her back into his life.

He didn't say anything more, but she felt his agitation growing as she continued to stand there.

A pointless nod in reply to his demands, she strode away quickly, only stopping when she entered his bedroom and closed the door. A wave of dizziness rippled through her. Leaning back against the door, she realized she was hyperventilating.

'Calm, calm,' she chanted in her mind, as she brought her breathing under control.

Only then did she dare leave the solid support and take the three steps to the bed. She glanced at the clock on the bedside table as she sat down and pulled off her shoes.

Nine-thirty-five.

Too early for her under normal circumstances, let alone when she'd had a couple of hours sleep in the afternoon. What the hell was she supposed to do?

No way she was lying down until she was actually ready to sleep. The emotional fallout from the previous night was bad enough; the resurgence of her sex drive an extremely unwelcome bonus. Even during their arguments, the lower half of her wanted to jump him. Lying in his bed wide awake...

Should've grabbed a book, but she wasn't going back out to get her head bitten off.

Bending across the foot of the bed, she pulled her hand luggage up onto the mattress. She rummaged through the bag, searching for something, anything, to fill the time.

Cell phone.

She should at least check her messages.

Abbey, Josh, Carol, Sam, Josh, Toby, Abbey, Carol, Abbey, Josh.

Too late to call Abbey. She could really use a friendly ear about now.

Mom.

CJ pressed the button for her parents' number and plumped the pillows against the headboard as she listened to the rings.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mom." She settled back against the pillows.

"Shouldn't you be asleep?"

She smiled. "I'm still in San Francisco."

"But they said on the news that the President went back to DC."

"He did." She rubbed her hand across her belly as exercise time commenced. "I--I told him."

"The President?"

"No." She bit her lip and took a deep breath. "Danny. I told Danny."

"You had to do it eventually, Sweetheart."

"I know," she whispered.

"How is he?"

She shrugged. "Happy about being a dad...not so happy with me." She winced as a tiny limb collided with her bladder. Maybe the extra egg cream hadn't been such a good idea.

"Give him some time."

CJ slapped her hand on the bed in frustration. "I haven't got time. We need to get this sorted out now and he won't even talk--"

Her mother's voice was forceful as she interrupted. "When did you tell him?"

"Last night."

"And you expect him to be ready to discuss it rationally right now? You've had months and you're only willing to give him a day? Claudia."

"I need to know if he's going to fight me for custody, if he still--" She swallowed the words. "I need to get past this now."

"If he still loves you?"

CJ fell silent, not daring to address the issue aloud. Her fingers tangled in the sheets as she once again tried to control her breathing.

"Claudia," her mother asked worriedly.

"How's Dad?"

Moira took the hint and they spent the next few minutes on the subject.

"When are you going back?"

"Sunday afternoon."

"We'd love to see you. You could come up for Saturday lunch and bring Danny."

CJ squeezed her eyes shut. "Mom--"

"No matter what happens between you two, I want to get to know my granddaughter's father. I'm not asking for an answer right now, you can let me know Saturday morning if necessary."

Not wanting an argument, CJ replied, "I'll see."

"Where are you staying?"

"Danny's apartment."

"He got a bath?"

"Yes," she answered with a confused laugh.

"Go and have a long soak." Moira paused before continuing in a softer voice. "I love you."

"I love you too."

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She'd started carrying a bottle of bubble bath in her luggage early in the administration, after finding she often had part of the evening during trips to herself. And there was no better way to spend it than relaxing in a hot bath.

She couldn't have it quite as hot as she liked, but it was still a great way to end the day. Though she'd probably have to stick to showers before too long; she was experiencing increasing difficulty in getting out by herself. Coordination had never been one of her strong points and her growing belly was throwing her center of gravity even further off.

If only the taps were closer so she didn't have to shift from her comfortable spot.

Resigned to the fact she had to move or freeze, CJ pushed herself up to a sitting position.

"Shit!" she cried, as shooting pain engulfed the length of her right leg. No matter which way she shifted, every little movement led to agony. She needed to get out now, but there was no way she could do it herself.

"Danny." Probably not loud enough, but she didn't want to wake the neighbors. "Danny." A little louder. "Danny. I need help." Just yell. "DANNY!"

He stumbled into the bathroom a minute later, hair sticking up in clumps, rambling, "Is it the baby? It's too early, isn't it? Should I call an ambulance?"

She couldn't help smiling weakly at the classic scene of an overwrought first-time father. Any lingering doubts about his commitment to the baby dissipated. "She's fine," CJ quickly reassured him. "But," she winced, "she's lying on my sciatic nerve and I can't get out."

By the time Danny managed to help her out of the tub and wipe her dry, CJ couldn't hold it in any longer. She dissolved into tears as he wrapped the towel around her.

"Hey," he soothed, pulling her against him.

She rested her head on his shoulder and released the mixture of physical and emotional pain.

"Where does it hurt?"

She guided his hand to a spot on her right hip and he started massaging. Her arms encircled his shoulders, his face pressed against her hair.

As her sobs subsided and she grew lethargic, he kissed her head and whispered, "Let's get you to bed."

Each step was agony and the sobs returned. Danny helped her into her pajamas and then into bed. She lay down on her left side, a pillow between her knees and another behind her back.

"Anything else I can do?" he asked, as he returned to massaging her hip.

CJ shook her head. "Hopefully she'll move by morning."

He brushed her bangs off her forehead with his other hand. "Has this happened before?"

"Last week at work. If Toby ever wants to give up politics, he could open a massage--"

Danny's hands stilled and his facial expression hardened.

She'd done it again.

"Another godfatherly duty?" He pushed himself to a standing position using the bed as leverage and stalked towards the door.

The combination of pain and frustration shattered what little was left of her patience. "Yes, Danny. And he jumped into my bed as soon as you left it. I'm just insatiable." She pushed herself up on one elbow and twisted so she could see him at the end of the bed. "Why am I here if you think so little of me? Would you just demand custody and tell me to go to hell! I can't do this any more. Shit!"

Excruciating pain gripped her leg and she fell back onto the bed crying. She bit down hard on her lip and pounded the mattress with her fist.

The bed sagged behind her and he gently kneaded her hip.

The spasm slowly eased, along with her tears, but she kept her body tense. She wasn't leaning on him again until she knew whether there was a place for her in his life.

"Relax," he whispered.

"I'm sorry, Danny." Her throat was scratchy and she had to cough.

"Not now."

"Yes, now." She should say it to his face, but there was no way in hell she could roll over. And it just might be a bit easier not looking into his eyes. "I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you."

"You did."

His hand had stilled on her hip, but she felt some relief that he hadn't broken contact. "I know I did. It was the hardest decision I've ever made, and if I could go back--" She bit her lip. Tell him what he wanted to hear or the truth? There'd been enough lies. "I'd do the same thing."

Danny snorted and this time he did remove his hand. "Thanks."

She turned as far as she could to look over her shoulder without moving her body. "Don't you dare leave. You're going to listen to what I have to say and if, after that, you don't want anything to do with me beyond our daughter--" She had to choke out the final word, "fine."

His face wasn't in her line of vision, but she watched him shuffle towards the headboard and lean against it. Turning her head back, she closed her eyes and sucked in a deep breath.

The words started spilling out on the exhale. "I did what I thought was best for everyone. I couldn't see any other choice. We've still got so much to do and we're not going to get another chance."

"So you denied my daughter her father for the good of the country?"

"The scandal of being a single mother is at least an order of magnitude less than sleeping with a senior member--"

"Cut the press briefing tone, CJ, otherwise I am leaving," Danny growled. "And I don't want to hear the sleeping with a reporter excuse. You seemed to be pretty happy fucking me, but then that was in secret. The baby kinda blew your cover. Am I," he paused and swallowed audibly, his voice softer and hesitant when he restarted, "are you embarrassed by me?"

"No! God, no!" CJ reached behind her, but she couldn't find him. "Don't you ever think that." Dammit. She had to move, she had to see him, look at him. Wincing, she pushed up using her elbow.

Danny's hand clasped her shoulder. "What are you doing?"

"I need to sit up."

After some effort and more than a little pain, she settled against the headboard. Danny put enough space between them to avoid any chance of accidental touching, and stared straight ahead.

"I'm not embarrassed by you." She twisted the sheets around her fingers. "I just--I've betrayed the President and Leo...and Toby."

He flinched.

"They told me again and again that I couldn't see you, but I did it anyway."

"It's a job, CJ."

"You know it's more than that. They're my family and--" She breathed deeply. "I can't bear the thought of their disappointment."

He turned to her, his eyes damp but his face impassive. "And that's more important than our family?"

"No! I don't know..." CJ ran her hands over her face and tried to order her thoughts. "I was trying to protect everybody--"

"And just how were you protecting me by taking my baby away?" Anger had returned to his voice.

"Your job--"

"I was changing my job!"

"And I'm not a mind reader," she snapped, before regaining control. "It didn't make any difference. Everyone could count on their fingers and work out when she was conceived. I wasn't risking your job."

"That wasn't your choice to make, CJ!" Fury tensed his body as he pushed himself off the bed and started to pace. "You had no right to make that decision for me."

"I had to make the decision." Damn him for getting up. She didn't like the height disadvantage. "Newsflash, Danny. They aren't going to just forgive us. We can't have our jobs and the baby. There isn't any happily ever after." She paused for a moment to breathe. "You're too damn honorable. You'd insist on doing the right thing no matter the cost."

He looked at her with wide eyes and an incredulous expression. "You honestly think this is just about doing the right thing? Even if there wasn't a baby, I'd put you before my job."

"You didn't before," she mumbled.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Lifting his hands to the back of his neck, he searched his memory. "The editor's job two years ago? For chrissake, CJ! I'm not going to justify that with a response."

"And I wasn't going to let you throw away your career and then resent me for it in a couple of years."

"Just stop!" Danny slammed his hands down on the bedside table. "You've been spinning and controlling for so long you can't remember how to let things develop and just happen naturally."

CJ's jaw tightened and she clenched her hands into fists. "No, I just face the reality of the situation."

Danny leaned towards her. "You want the reality? I loved you and wanted a life with you. Why do you think I was interviewing for a new job? And that was before the baby."

She couldn't breathe. There it was. Past tense. Her head dropped to hide the tears that were threatening to drown her. She'd been waiting, expecting, but some masochistic part of her had dared to hope.

It was over.

Staring at her hands, she somehow managed to find her voice and imbue it with strength she didn't feel. "I won't fight you on joint custody. It's not going to be easy with us on opposite coasts, but we'll work it out. Though I would appreciate it if my parents could have some visitation while she's with you."

"I'm not interested in joint custody. I want to be more than a part-time dad."

CJ choked down the bile as her mind screamed. "I'm not--" A sob shuddered through her body and she forced her head up. "I'm not giving up my daughter. I know I hurt you, but please don't take her away from me."

"No!"

Danny's facial expression softened as he climbed back onto the bed and reached for her. The sagging of the mattress shifted her hip and she winced. He grasped her joined hands in one of his, and cupped her cheek with the other.

"I'm not talking about full custody. I'm not going to take her away from you."

"Then what?" She shook her head, thoroughly confused.

Staring directly into her eyes, he said in a calming tone, "I want us to raise her together. We don't have to work it out tonight. I love you." He squeezed her hands and rubbed his thumb against her face. "I don't like you very much at the moment, but I still love you."

She leaned into him, her need for the comfort of his body greater than the pain from the sciatica, and let the tears flow.

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