TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (11/12)
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.
Full notes in Chapter 1.

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A light breeze ruffled the curtains, the dappled sunlight dancing across her face. She reached behind her, finding nothing but cool sheet.

Maybe she'd imagined his hand on her hip and his chest against her back last night. Or he'd gone back to the couch as soon as she was asleep.

The smile she'd awoken with faded under the onslaught of doubts. Had he said he loved her? But did that mean he was still in love with her? And was the wanting to raise the baby together just words to calm her down?

She rolled carefully onto her back, steeling herself for pain. Nothing. A slow ascent to a sitting position ended with a sigh of relief.

"How's the hip?"

CJ looked up as Danny entered the bedroom.

"She's moved."

"Good." He stood at the end of the bed, his hands clasping and unclasping with nervousness. "Anything particular you want for breakfast?"

She shook her head and pointed to her bags. "In the smaller one, there's a long black box. Could you please get it for me?"

He sat on the edge of the bed as she tightened the blood pressure cuff around her upper arm. "I take it each morning. If it gets above a certain level I have to contact my doctor," she explained.

"How is it?" he asked, as she wrote down the readings in a small notebook.

"A little high, but nothing to worry about." She didn't mention part of it was probably due to the arousal she felt every time he was close. Hell...was it safe for her to have sex? Maybe she should call Dr. Martin. Not that Danny was likely to want to touch her again.

"CJ?" He squeezed her wrist. "You okay?"

"Yeah." No point in both of them worrying that they may have harmed the baby. She'd call the doctor as soon as Danny left the room.

"As long as you're sure your hip is okay, I thought we might go shopping this morning." His slightly wistful tone and raised eyebrows left no doubt what the shopping would involve.

"That sounds good." She had too much to make up to him.

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Dr. Martin's reassurance relaxed her enough so she could enjoy Danny's reactions in the baby store. He was fascinated by the size of the newborn clothes and gushed over the fairy princess dresses. Though she had to draw the line at too much pink, lace or frills.

"But she's a little girl."

"And if she takes after her mother, there will be quite a bit of tomboy in her," she'd replied with a laugh.

He'd refused to show her all his purchases, taking the three bags to the car and then returning to the mall to peruse the pregnancy section of the bookshop.

"You got any of these?"

CJ pointed to two books on the top shelf, stopping on the second. "That one's been the most useful."

He pulled it off the shelf and scanned the spines of the others. "Here's the instruction manuals for fathers."

Leaving him to his investigation, she wandered over to the children's section. So many things were up in the air, but one thing she knew for certain; their daughter would be raised with a love of books.

"Watcha reading?" he asked over her shoulder.

She was too close to tears to answer, so she closed the book to show him the cover.

"Heidi." He moved around in front of her and reached out his hand to tilt up her chin. "What's wrong?"

She couldn't avoid his worried eyes. Swallowing hard, she managed to croak out, "My dad used to read it to me," before bursting into tears.

Danny took the book from her hands and enveloped her in a cuddle. She buried her face in his neck and sobbed.

"Oh, god. This is embarrassing." She pulled away and wiped roughly at her eyes.

"Nobody's looking," he assured her.

CJ glanced quickly at the book back on the shelf and then at him. "You finished?"

"Yep." He indicated a small library sitting on top of a bookstand.

"Sure you got enough?"

"Nope."

"I need the bathroom."

"There's one out the door and to the left." He squeezed her elbow. "You go while I double the national debt."

She nodded. "Where do I meet you?"

"The cafe directly across. Our daughter's probably wanting lunch."

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Danny dumped most of the bags on the coffee table and carried the remainder into the hall, while she toed off her shoes and collapsed lengthways onto the couch.

"Need anything?" he asked on his return.

She shook her head. "We're good."

Lifting her legs, he sat down at the end of the couch and rested her feet on his lap.

CJ closed her eyes and purred, as he massaged from her calves to her toes. It felt unbelievably good to be pampered.

She must've dozed off; when she opened her eyes again, Danny was sitting on the floor in front of the couch, surrounded by baby things. Rolling onto her side, she tangled her fingers in the curls at the nape of his neck.

"How long was I asleep?"

"About an hour." He held up a tiny pink jumpsuit. "Are you sure this is going to be big enough?"

"Apparently." She frowned. "I'm not good with small things."

With a raised eyebrow, Danny quipped, "You're very good with mine."

She laughed. "But yours can take care of itself." The doubts reasserted themselves. "What if I break her?"

"You won't."

"I know next to nothing about babies."

He twisted his body around to face her, resting his left arm on the couch. "We never talked about it. Did you want kids?"

No more lies. "Not really."

His eyes flicked between her face, her belly and the couch. "Did you--" He took a deep breath. "Did you consider ending it?"

She joined him in his contemplation of the couch covering. "No."

"Why not? I mean I'm glad you didn't, but if you don't want kids..."

The jumpsuit lay on the couch between them; she retrieved it and held it against her face, as her mother's words from that night in Napa replayed in her head.

"CJ?"

No more lies. She'd promised. "If it had been someone else, I probably would've, but--" She looked up at him and placed her hand on his arm. "Not ours."

He opened his mouth, closed it, and then looked down.

Squeezing his arm, she whispered, "Danny?"

The muscles and tendons tensed beneath her fingers and he turned back to the coffee table, pulling out of her grasp. "I forgot while we were out. Is there anything in particular you want for dinner?"

She bit her lip as she watched his back and listened to the scrunching of packaging and bags. Her hand reached out, but she pulled back before she touched his hair. One rejection was enough.

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C-SPAN. Click. CNN. Click. Fox News. Quicker click. Some sitcom with...the kid from that movie of Roger Becker's that helped get her fired?

Still the lisp and the glasses, but it really didn't work with the teenage body.

Click off.

She'd spent the last hour, since Danny had retreated to his home office, trying to find something to occupy her mind.

If Becker hadn't made that movie, maybe his rating wouldn't have dropped, she wouldn't have been fired, she could've said no to Toby, she wouldn't have met Danny...she could blame it all on that kid?

With a shake of her head, CJ leaned forward and grabbed one of the new pregnancy books off the coffee table. Were they telling fathers anything new or earth shattering? Was there a chapter on what to do when your partner lied to you?

"Watcha doing?" his voice came from behind her.

She tensed and then relaxed at his friendly tone. "Apparently most first-time fathers are scared that they'll hit the baby during sex."

"Really?" She could picture his grin. "I'd need to do some measuring, but I don't really think..." He paused, his breath warm on the side of her neck. "Should we have--the other night--with your blood pressure--"

She put the book down on the couch and turned sideways, pulling her left leg up under her backside. "It's fine, Danny." She squeezed his wrist.

"You sure?" Worry lines creased his face.

Cupping his cheek, she nodded. "Yes. I called Dr. Martin this morning. Apart from a couple of provisos, it's safe for me to have sex."

"Such as length?" His attempt at humor didn't quite displace his anxiety.

"She didn't mention it, but I don't think we have to worry about that." She smiled at his exaggerated wounded expression. "Just no marathon sessions or Cirque du Soleil positions, and I'm not allowed flat on my back."

"I always have liked you on top," he whispered, clasping the back of her hand and turning his head to kiss her palm.

Arousal surged through her, flushing her skin and twisting her stomach. She tightened her grip on his wrist and closed her eyes, submerging herself in the sensation. Was there a way to get him around her side of the couch without breaking contact?

He released her hand and brushed his knuckles across her cheek, before clasping the back of her head and pulling her towards--

"Shit!" she cried, as her left calf and foot cramped. She struggled to push up off the couch, her stomach proving an impediment.

"Wait a minute." Danny was in front of her, bracing her elbows. "Up slowly."

Using his shoulders for support, she pressed down on her toes, trying to relieve the cramps. "I think my body's telling me I'm too old for this."

"Or that you shouldn't sit on your leg." His hands rested on her hips, his thumbs pressing small circles into her skin. "Better?"

"Yeah." With his help, she sat back down with her feet propped up on a cushion on the coffee table.

"I've heard people say that babies know when their parents are about to get intimate, but I didn't realize it started this early," he joked.

CJ laughed as her head fell back on the couch. Turning towards him, she placed her hand on his thigh. The arousal had dissipated but she didn't mind. A return to relaxed familiarity was good.

"I bought you something." Danny twisted around and bent his arm over the back of the couch, the action bringing his face close to hers.

She resisted the urge to kiss him, but took the opportunity to reacquaint herself with his face. New lines radiated from the corners of his eyes.

The rustle of plastic captured her attention as he settled back and reached into a shopping bag.

She gasped and then smiled as she accepted the gift.

"I still deny I look anything like him."

"I don't know," she quipped, as she held up the Cowardly Lion doll beside his head. "I'd have trouble telling you apart in a line up. Similar coloring, soft and cuddly."

"You been hiding a fur fetish?"

"No more hiding." Laying the doll in her lap, she traced its face with her finger. "I bought one of these last week."

"Oh." The disappointment was clear in his voice. "I can try returning it."

She shook her head. "No. She can play with one and the other can be for display."

More plastic rustling. "I hope you haven't got one of these yet." He held up a dvd of 'The Wizard of Oz'.

"No."

"Good. I thought we could watch it after dinner."

She cradled the doll to her chest. "It's the first movie I've got a conscious memory of seeing. The flying monkeys terrified me and I climbed onto dad's lap and hid my face in his neck." A sense of loss washed over her and she swallowed hard.

"Hey." Danny wound his arm around her body and pulled her against him. "How is he?"

She rested her head on his shoulder. "Not good. He--I just hope he's still with it enough when she's born."

"Do you want to go and see them?" His mouth vibrated against her hair.

"Mom's invited us up for lunch tomorrow."

"She knows?"

"She's known for quite awhile." CJ rested her hand on his jeans-clad thigh. "She wants to meet you."

"What about your dad?"

"I don't know whether she's told him yet."

After several minutes of silence, CJ lifted her head. "Hey." With one hand on his cheek, she turned him to face her. "You don't have to be nervous."

"Weren't you when you told them you were pregnant?"

"Yes," she admitted, with a roll of the eyes. "Mostly telling Dad."

"I think I have a right to be nervous." His forehead furrowed. "I got you pregnant without a ring on your finger--"

"I'm not sixteen, Danny."

He took a deep breath and turned away. "And then I walked out on you."

"Don't." Grasping his chin, she forced him to look at her. "Don't you say or even think that."

"It's what people are going to be thinking and probably saying."

"Who cares what they--" She winced at her own hypocrisy as Danny grimaced. "If anyone says anything, I'll tell them that I'm the selfish bitch who kicked--"

He placed his fingers over her lips. "Don't. Just don't."

Shaking her head, she continued, desperate for him to know. "I'm not going to let anyone think that you--"

His mouth swallowed the rest of her words. The kiss was tender, almost chaste, and he ended it too soon. Leaning his forehead against hers, he whispered, "Call your mom and ask her what time tomorrow. I'll go and make dinner."

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"I like him," Moira stated, as she took CJ's hand in hers.

CJ looked back towards the house. "I hope Dad isn't giving him too hard a time."

"Relax, Sweetheart. I think Danny can hold his own."

"As long as he doesn't get talked into setting a wedding date." She turned back to her mother with a frown. "He interviews Presidents and Prime Ministers, but I've never seen him as nervous as this morning."

Moira reached out and stroked CJ's cheek. "Well, it is rather nerve-wracking to meet the parents of the woman you love."

"You really like him?" She grimaced at the waver in her voice and her need for approval and reassurance. "God. How old am I?" Throwing up her hands and shaking her head, she resumed walking.

"You're never too old to have doubts."

"Great."

Moira laughed. "I really do like him. And I know this is going to sound terribly corny, but the way he looks at you...I have no doubt he's in love with you."

CJ stopped again and looked up at the overcast sky. "Me or the baby?"

"You know the answer to that."

"I don't know anything any more." She sank to the grass, stretching her legs out in front of her and resting back on her hands. "Except you're right about one thing."

"I'm actually right about most things." Moira sat down facing CJ and patted her leg. "Which thing am I particularly right about?"

Closing her eyes, CJ replied in a low voice, "That I wouldn't be having her if I didn't love her father." She bit her lip. "I just don't know if it's going to be enough."

"Look at me, Claudia." She continued once CJ had met her gaze. "You're not going to know if you don't try."

Swiping at a couple of escaped tears, CJ nodded. "That's the other thing I do know."

"And pregnancy hormones are a bitch."

She leaned into the hand Moira placed on her cheek and managed to speak through a choked laugh. "I know more things than I thought I did."

"At the risk of adding to the corn crop, another thing I know is that you're never too old to need a cuddle from your mom," Moira said, her own voice cracking.

With a muffled sob, CJ let herself relax into her mother's arms.

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She wanted to know what Danny and her father had talked about, but she hadn't really had a chance to ask him. They'd stayed for dinner and then she'd fallen asleep on the drive home. She knew from their interactions that it had gone well, and her father had whispered to her, "He's a keeper," as they'd hugged goodbye. But she needed details.

Pulling up her pajama top, she stroked her belly as her daughter began the daily aerobics session. "Your grandparents like him."

"So, I have been granted the Cregg seal of approval?"

She matched his grin as he crossed the room. "You're a little undersized, but not enough to throw back."

"That's a relief." He sat down on the bed facing her and placed his hands on her stomach. "Does it hurt?"

The wonder in his expression made her stomach tighten. After seeing what this meant to him, could she honestly still say she'd do the same thing again? "Not really. It feels like mutant butterflies wearing combat boots." She covered his hands with hers. "Though it's a pain when she starts on my bladder. It'll get worse. Abbey said it'll feel like she's trying to break out."

"Don't beat up on your mom too much, Kidlet. She's a champion as--backside kicker and you don't want to get on her list. Believe me, I've been there." He looked up with a smirk. "Though it did have its pluses."

"Like what?"

Danny shifted closer. "Like you paid attention to me."

She'd always found it hard to resist the combination of boyish charm and devilish smile. "You're easy to please."

"I'm very easy." His eyes fixed on her lips.

Her body tingled with arousal. "I also like you hard."

"That's pretty easy to arrange." His words fanned her face.

"Show me."

He moved her hand to his groin as their mouths met. She wrapped her other arm around his neck and he slipped his hands up under her top.

Definitely easy--until a little one got tired of being ignored.

CJ pulled back grimacing. "Shit, crap, damn! Move, quick." She waved at him to get out of the way.

"What?"

"She's squeezing my bladder," she hissed, as she scrambled off the bed with his help and sprinted, actually more waddled, towards the bathroom.

Danny was stretched out on the bed, leaning against the headboard, when she returned.

"Should we take a vow of celibacy until she goes to college?"

She laughed. "Might have to."

"Or would a bedtime story help?" He held up a picture book.

Gasping, she reached out to touch the cover of 'Heidi'. "Danny," was all she managed before bursting into tears.

He pulled her down onto the bed and into his arms, stroking her back until she calmed.

"I'm sorry." She leaned back to look at him. "These hormones..."

Cupping her face, he kissed her lightly on the lips. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Let's see if we can get our kidlet to sleep."

CJ moved next to him on the bed, lying on her side with her head on his chest and his arm around her.

She closed her eyes and drifted away on the stream of familiar words.

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