I Hope You Know I Would...

If I could hold them in my hand,
I'd make them understand.
I'm not a haunted mind,
I'm not a thoughtless kind.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in some kind of tangent universe.

Living a non existant life. Or if it exists, it doesn't belong to me.

Like somewhere along the line, I came to a point where my life split in two and my real life went along without me while I continued another, trapped in an alternate reality.

I can even pin point the exact moment that I crossed that line: When Ryan Atwood walked through my door one morning.

From what my dad told me, I had made my own assumptions about him. I pictured a tough, street wise, muscle bound guy with a lot of facial hair, perhaps a switch blade in his pocket which he used to menacingly stab an apple with before he peeled it. A guy who'd probably kick my ass if I even looked at him wrong.

Ryan was a lot shorter than I imagined.

He had a softness about him that you wouldn't really expect from his appearance. I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask him if he wanted to play video games with me. And it turns out he did...which was...kinda weird.

I wasn't expecting a guy like Ryan to be so....nice. But he was. And I latched onto the guy immediately. It was nice to finally meet someone who wasn't part of the Newport scene. We became fast friends, Or brothers, if you want to get all technical...

The point is, I wasn't lonely anymore. I had a friend now. My first real friend.

And while I was off galivanting around with Ryan Atwood, the real Seth Cohen was on his boat, sailing alone, planning his trip to Tahiti with the girl who would never so much as glance his way...

I held her hands so tight,
'Cause words don't come out right...
And she sees things at night.

So I met Ryan Atwood, and through some weird twist of fate, he met Summer. Which incidentally allowed ME to meet Summer....or, to be more accurate, for Summer to meet me. Well, sort of.

The night we met was...interesting, to say the least. I saw and did more things in so many hours than I have ever done my entire life. And, though my memory is a bit cloudy, I happened to stumble across Ryan and Summer in quite a compromising position.

There came that last doubt in my head. Ryan and his ulterior motive.

Summer.

Of course he didn't want to be my friend. He used ME to GET to the party, to GET to Summer....and OF COURSE he wanted Summer, I mean, who didn't?

All that might sound a little crazy now, and maybe it was the alcohol talking, but at the time, that's what I thought. Somewhere in the back of my head I knew it was too good to be true.

Seeing Ryan all over the girl of my dreams had only cemented my fears.

But what I realized was this:

If it HAD been true...I would have been the REAL Seth Cohen.

And I was not.

I had already crossed that line. I was in an another reality, and in that reality, Seth Cohen does not get screwed over.

Seth Cohen has friends.

Seth Cohen has GIRLs. Yes, plural.

Seth Cohen's enemies are smited.

Or their dads turn out to be gay, whatever.

The point is, Ryan didn't try to go for Summer. Instead, he did his best to avoid her from then on. I knew he could've had her though...if he wanted. And he might have...but even if he had, he'd never act on it. Because of me.

Someone actually had MY feelings in mind.

From then on, Ryan and I really did become like brothers. I mean, I still think of him as one. For the first time in my life, I had someone lookin out for me. For the first time in my life, someone had my back.

And, apparently in alternate universes, Summer Roberts can't resist my charms.

Although life for Seth Cohen, even in another world, is albeit a helluva lot better than the reality, nothing is ever perfect. Not even this. Summer was still the same Summer and I was still the same Seth. A very good carbon copy.

But I'd at least gotten on her radar: She knew who I was. Barely. Still, I was that much closer to getting Summer out of my dreams and onto my boat.

.....okay, that was lame.

The second part of my plan (Yes, I had a plan. 6 years of free time and Summer on the mind will do that to ya) was to get her to acknowledge our unspoken connection. That didn't go....well. Honestly, that girl had me in circles for weeks. But I knew the truth. And she KNEW I knew. "Acting" like she didn't know my name, "throwing" herself at me every chance she got. Like she just "happened" to be topless when I went over to Marissa's. Or she just "happened" to spill some salsa on her finger and just "happened" to dislike picante (Seriously, WHO dislikes picante? Nobody. It's the king of all salsas.).

But she kept playing me hot and cold and I just got sick of it. Here was this girl I'd been thinking about for ages. Dreaming about her, watching her, hoping that maybe, just maybe she'd notice me. Just.....see me. Anything. Even as close as I'd gotten, she was always still so far away. I remember thinking I should just accept it.

The real Seth Cohen, assuming he'd ever even get this far, would have done just that; Accept his fate that Summer Roberts would always be out of reach.

But he was off in the real world, possibly watching some lame imax movie about sharks or geese or other stupid....water....creatures.

I, on the other hand, given that this wasn't the real world, decided to just tell her, put her in her place. So when I'd had enough, I told her. And for some odd reason, she kissed me.

Summer....kissed ME.

Thinking back, it's hard to remember the series of events that led up to it, or even what happened when it did. Memories sometimes bleed together so that's it's almost impossible to remember everything. All you can ever truly remember vividly as the day it happened is how you felt. It's the feelings you never forget.

And I can recall how I felt at the drop of a hat. That one perfect moment when it seemed that everything I ever wanted for so long was coming true.

I sometimes wonder if the real Seth Cohen felt it.

I hope he did.

I close my door at night,
But she gets in all right
So I turn on the light.

You might wonder how a person can go for years longing for someone without ever having spoken even one word to them. Even now, I don't know if I can really explain it. Maybe it would help if I told you about life at school...

It was just after my 6th birthday that we left Berkley. The few childhood friends I did have were forgotten and instead I was thrust into this world of eternal sunshine. Only then I didn't realize that eternal sunshine meant sunburns, skin cancer, and for lack of a better metaphor, eternal hell.

The kids knew who my grandfather was and immediately dubbed me as the snobby rich kid. The first year was the most lonely for me. My parents noticed my isolated behavior and did their best to make me happy. But the only thing about California that I liked better than Berkley was the ocean. It was then that my dad bought me my own boat and signed me up for sailing lessons. It made the time pass more easily...

The years went by and I kept to myself mostly, mainly because when I gave anyone a reason to notice me, It would remind someone that I was due for a beating. That was also something that changed. At some point the jocks decided they'd rather kick my ass than leave me alone. The fact that I did keep to myself caused further speculation that I thought I was better than everyone else. I was on the brink. I always thought about running away, sailing to Berkley, or anywhere really. The constant taunting from the other kids was becoming too much to take.

And then something happened.

I was in 4th grade and the first day of school had started like most. Shitty. After a week, I was sure this year would be like all the rest.

It was after lunch that I first saw her.

The principal led her into the classroom as he tried to get our attention. He didn't have to do much; Summer could draw a crowd no matter where she was.

She appeared calm and collected as she stood at the head of the class, but I noticed her nervously fingering the lining of her jacket. She was undoubtedly the prettiest girl in the room. Mr. Emerson, the principal, continued talking, introducing her to the class. Her name was Summer Roberts and she had just moved in with her dad. Our teacher, Ms. Murden told her to sit in a seat that was diaganol from mine. I watched her slowly make her way to the desk as the two teachers began quietly speaking to eachother. She turned to sit, and for a brief moment our eyes met. I don't know what made me do it, but I smiled at her. I wasn't sure what she'd do, but I felt my cheeks flush when she returned that smile and sat down. I didn't think it was possible, but she was even prettier when she smiled. It was the nicest gesture anyone had made the entire time I'd lived in Newport Beach.

When I went home that day, I went sailing with my dad. Summer was on my mind the entire time. Our conversation would shift from my grades to the new girl at school, then to how things were at work to how pretty the new girl was. After I told him about how her smile was really nice and how her hair was long and shiny, he had to ask me to stop talking about her...

For the next few weeks I would watch her. I was still too shy to talk to her and most of the guys had already taken a liking to her. Nevertheless, I began to look forward to school and the days that I'd get to see her. I loved the way she laughed and the way she folded her hands across her desk. I loved how she wore her hair in pigtails on Thursdays and how she'd bite her bottom lip when she was nervous. Everyday after school, I'd go on my boat and think about her and the things I noticed that day. I figured when I knew enough about her, I'd have enough confidence to talk to her and strike up a good conversation.

I didn't realize then that I'd be thinking up conversation starters for years to come....still, life in Newport became almost bearable...

I even decided to name my boat Summer. Well, Summer Breeze, but that was only because my dad gave me a weird look when I said it...I knew I never should have told him about her. That man would never stop....

The point is, the boat was important to me. It had been the only thing sustaining me in Newport. And then along came Summer.

I don't know if this really explains much, like I said, it's nothing I can really explain to people, let alone myself, but that's how it was. I guess I just needed something to hold onto....and she gave me a reason..

I held her hand too tight,
Too hard to make it right,
So I could sleep at night.

I don't know if she knew it, or if she'll ever know it, but she scares the hell out of me. Never have I been more afraid of anyone in my life. And not because of the rage blackouts.

Well, not only because of them...

I've always been scared when it comes to Summer. Every moment is scary because every moment is new and sometimes I can hardly believe she's there and I'm there and we're together. I remember the first time holding her in my arms and thinking how insane it was. Summer Roberts, in my house. Letting me kiss her, or even be near her. I don't know why I'm using her last name, there's only ever been one Summer for me. She doesn't really need it, just 'Summer' is like Madonna or Charro...at least for me.

But my fear had cost me dearly. I had never really known what to expect from Summer. It was one of the things I liked most about her....but soon it became more of a constant fear than a lingering insecurity. She had always been so on and off with me that I wasn't even sure if anything between us was legitimate. I knew how I felt, but she was still a mystery.

And I've always known it was Summer. Always. But I've never had girls, let alone two of them actually wanting me...I've never had anyone really. I guess I just enjoyed the newfound attention. But this reality was getting to my head. Everything was going right and somehow I thought I could do it all out of the ordinary because none of it was real. It was a glorious imaginary world that I was a part of where nothing could go wrong.

But soon I saw that even a perfect world is imperfect in its simplicity.

Me, I'm closer to the door,
I don't get scared no more,
But I don't know the score.

I think the first moment that I realized I was in an alternate reality....was the day Summer found that yearbook. She really wanted to know how it was for me. But I've never liked talking about the past, I mean it's kept back there for a reason. Though I'm not technically embarassed about it considering she knew I was never the popular guy, I am a little ashamed to have her know the extent of it all. It's not something I'm proud of. I mean, Summer was a part of that world that caused me so much hell.

A silent apology occured between us in a moment that solidified my theory that this world was in fact a work of fiction. Everything was perfect. Too perfect. I don't know how she did it, but with the gentle touch of her lips she almost managed to erase all of that shitty stuff. But you just can't do that, not in the real world.

I thought I could leave that part of my life behind. But I guess you can't ever really let go of the past...it always comes back...one way or another.

It was then that Ryan's past caught up with him. We were coming full circle.

Summer was wrong.

A lot hadn't changed in a year.

If I could put them in a jar,
I know they wouldn't scar...

She doesn't understand....and I don't want to let her. She's tried, but I can't let her succeed. It's not a question of "I can, but I won't." I just can't.

The more she tries to let me in, the more I pull back. I just don't get it sometimes. My whole life, Summer Roberts stood for everything I ever wanted and everything I ever hoped for. Now I have her...and it's almost like I don't deserve her.

Like I'm not supposed to have her.

I keep thinking more and more about when I crossed the threshold into this reality and left my real life behind. If Ryan hadn't walked through my door that morning, if my dad had never been his lawyer, if he'd never crashed that car.....would it still end up this way?

Summer and I would have never happened.

Ryan was the catalyst for everything. Every moment that Summer and I ever shared, every kiss, every touch, all of it can be traced back to Ryan's arrival in Newport. And without a cause, you can't really have the effect...

I've been questioning a lot of things lately....the rules of this tangent universe....I said before that even the perfect world will still have its flaws. But now I'm not so sure which world is the reality....it's all mixed up and jumbled together. Or maybe I'm just trying to confuse myself...

Ryan's leaving. He's going back to Chino. Everything is turning around and the fact is we HAVE come full circle. The point at which this universe ends and I'm returned to life in the real world. I figured as much. If I could cross into this reality, there had to come a point that I could cross back....and it came. We're back at the beginning.

But I still have a choice to make...

I know this world isn't real. It's not. And yet I don't want to give it up. I don't want all of this to be over, to step back into my real life...because it won't end up this way. It can't. If it did, we'd keep going in circles, forever repeating an endless reality.

And yet I'm still trying to convince myself that I want to. If it means being with Summer, I'll do it over and over and over again, I don't care.

But I can't do that. I'm not even sure if this world will continue should I decide to stay. I'm not supposed to stay because I was never supposed to be here in the first place. Ryan was never supposed to come into my life...and I'll have to wait and see if Summer finds her way back into mine.

When I'm gone the memories from this world will have disappeared....I can only hope that when I go, I get to take the feelings with me.

I'd do it if I could,
I hope you know I would.

Eh?? Weird?? What did you think, I'd love some R/R please. I drew inspiration from Donnie Darko if you must know, and if you haven't seen that movie, go see it, kick ass film. Song is by Buffalo Tom, good song too...an oldie, but a goody.