TITLE: How Could I Ever Know (12/12)
AUTHOR: Katrina McDonnell
EMAIL: mcdonnemtpg.com.au
RATING: R (sex scenes, language, adult themes)
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. Title from musical 'The Secret Garden', lyrics by Marsha Norman. No Copyright Infringement is intended. I will put them back slightly disheveled.
Full notes in Chapter 1.

-------
Confusion flooded her mind as she surfaced through the layers of sleep. Trapped, held against something hard...something snoring...

She opened her eyes and breathed again. It had been too long since she'd woken in his arms. Supporting her weight on her elbow, she glanced at the clock on the bedside table. She'd been asleep for a couple of hours.

A flood of warmth pooled between her thighs as she looked down at him. Now or maybe never.

"Danny," she whispered.

No response.

Running her hand over his chest, she repeated a little louder, "Danny."

"Hmmmm?" His eyes remained closed, but his arm tried to pull her back against his chest.

"I've got a cramp. I need a massage."

That got his attention, his eyes flying open. "Your leg?"

"No." She picked up the hand that wasn't already touching her and placed it on her breast. "Here. And other places."

Danny blinked and his lips contorted in confusion. "How do you get a cramp there?" His fingers rubbed her breast. "I need to read those books."

"I didn't think I was that rusty." Frowning, CJ let go of his hand and flopped back down on the bed.

"Oh." He rolled to face her. "Were you trying to seduce me, Miss Cregg?"

She thumped him in the arm. "You're hilarious."

"Amongst other things. I just wish I'd known how easy it is to put you to sleep. Would've come in handy when you were overly frisky. Ow," he complained, grabbing her wrist after she thumped him again. "You're not supposed to hit the father of your child."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Leaning his head towards her, he whispered, "But you're supposed to kiss him."

"I didn't know that."

"Well, now you do." He released her wrist and started placing sloppy, noisy kisses on her face.

She laughed and tried to push his head away, but he just pulled her closer. "Danny!"

Between kisses, he whispered in an overly dramatic tone, punctuated by heavy breathing, "I love it when you call my name--you're so sexy on top--you make me so hard--give it to me, baby--"

"You're so--" Her giggles made it difficult to speak, especially when he started on her neck. "Hot when you're like this."

"I know--I'm a love machine."

"You're nuts!"

"You love my nuts." He blew a raspberry on her neck. "Don't you?"

"Yes!" She was heading for full-blown hysterics.

"The kidlet's asleep?" Another raspberry.

"Yes."

"And she's not lying on your bladder?" Again.

"Yes." She only just managed to get the word out.

"You sure you don't want to visit the bathroom, just in case?"

"Yes." She grabbed his hair and pulled before he could raspberry again. "But if I don't stop laughing, I will need to go."

He brought his head back up level with hers and the way he looked at her--her laughter stalled. "What?"

Barely touching her cheek with his fingers, he whispered, "God, I've missed you."

He kissed her before the hormones could switch over to crying mode. Softly, only lips. His hand slipped under her shirt and caressed the side of her belly, as he whispered, "I want to see you."

Battling to steady herself under the onslaught of arousal and emotion, CJ sat up and pulled the pajama top off over her head.

"All of you. Stand up."

She looked everywhere but at him. He'd seen her naked in the previous few days, but the idea of being studied made her more than a little uncomfortable. This wasn't the body he'd been attracted to.

Danny knelt on the bed in front of her and pried her crossed arms away from her chest. She nibbled at her lip as her breathing became erratic.

"Hey." He squeezed her hand and waited until their eyes met. "You are gorgeous. Just look down to know what you're doing to me."

Much to her chagrin, she felt her face blush hot.

Dropping her hand, he cupped her breasts and stimulated her nipples with his thumbs. She closed her eyes, whimpering as he left her right breast; sighing as his mouth took over. Any remnants of self-consciousness disappeared.

Down her chest and stomach his hands stroked, lips and tongue following in their wake. She could barely stand by the time he slipped a hand between her thighs.

"Danny," she gasped, clutching his shoulders as he pressed on her clit. "I want you now."

Lowering her body onto him, she was finally sure of one thing. She was glad she told him.

-------

Danny looked up from his newspaper and smiled. "Good morning."

"Would've been better if you'd still been in bed," she complained, her own smile betraying her annoyed tone.

"I thought you could do with the extra sleep." He beckoned her over to where he sat at the dining table. "You were busy last night."

"Is that what they're calling it these days?"

His arm slid around her waist, pulling her close so he could kiss her belly. "How's your blood pressure?"

"Fine." She rested her arm on his shoulders and leaned against him, as she scanned the headlines.

"And you?"

"A little sore." His body tensed and she looked down at him, finding a worried expression on his face. "The good type of sore."

"You sure?"

Stroking her fingers over the lines on his forehead, she nodded. "Though maybe it was best you weren't in bed when I woke up. I'm horny, but my body's tired."

"There are other ways, you know. Let me do the work."

The tone of his voice and the want in his eyes stirred her hormones into a frenzy. "I need breakfast first."

"Okay." Standing, he pulled her into a two-arm cuddle. "What time's your flight?"

"Ten past three." A much missed drug teased her nostrils and tongue as she kissed him. Licking her lips and pulling away, she grabbed his coffee mug and headed for the kitchen.

"Eggs?"

She nodded as she refilled his mug and added cream. "Wait a minute."

He accepted the proffered drink, stating, "I don't take cream."

"I do. Drink it."

"Why?" His face crinkled in confusion.

She gestured with her hand. "Take a sip and I'll show you."

"I've already had my two cups--"

"Just do it."

Obeying her orders, Danny drank several mouthfuls before giving the mug back to her. CJ placed it on the kitchen counter and clasped his head between her hands.

Several drops had caught in the whiskers around his mouth and she lapped them up first. His lips curved into a grin as he realized what she was doing. With a glare, she warned him to follow her lead.

She ran her tongue along his lips and back before pressing her lips against his. When he didn't react, she growled his name.

He responded by caressing her butt and pulling her closer, only then opening his mouth.

The combination of caffeine and Danny sent her reeling. He backed her up against the counter as the kissing continued. She'd forgotten how to breathe by the time he broke with her mouth and trailed kisses down her neck. Her hormones screamed for release.

They must've been audible because Danny immediately slipped his hand between her thighs, pressing the seam of her jeans against her clit. She rocked her hips, increasing the friction, as his mouth paid homage to her breasts.

She wanted to tangle her fingers in his curls, but the intensity of her arousal was making her head spin and she grabbed hold of the counter to steady herself. Wouldn't take much more...

"That's damn good coffee," she gasped when she could speak again.

A self-congratulatory grin highlighted his face. "You want some more?"

A growl from her stomach reminded them of more immediate concerns.

"Maybe later."

He kissed her quickly and headed for the refrigerator. "Eggs coming up."

-------

Hell.

She'd only been going to close her eyes for a few minutes, but nearly ninety had passed. They'd have to leave for the airport in under an hour.

The silence in the apartment seeped into her brain as she dressed.

"Danny?"

A note lay on the dining table. 'Back soon.'

"When's soon?" she grumbled, before heading back to the bedroom to pack.

The front door slammed as she debated whether to take the Wizard of Oz dvd and doll with her.

"CJ?"

"Bedroom."

He slipped his arms around her waist and pulled her back against him. Kissing her neck, he whispered, "Sleep well?"

"You should've woken me earlier." She turned her head to receive a kiss on the lips.

"Got plenty of time." Releasing her, he sat down on the bed next to her bag and pointed to the gifts she held. "They are yours."

"I just thought..."

"What?"

"I don't know." It was easier to just take them home.

"So...are you going to tell them tomorrow?"

"Who?" Where was her makeup bag? On the dresser.

"The President, Leo."

She shrugged as she looked over the room once more for her things. "I'm not telling them now." Satisfied everything was accounted for, she closed the bag.

"Then when?"

"I haven't figured that out yet."

"Don't you think we'd better work out what we're doing?"

CJ dropped her bag to the floor near the door and snorted in disbelief. "You want to do this now? In the next forty minutes?"

"Can you push your flight back?"

"No." She shook her head. "I have to go to work tomorrow and it's going to be late enough when I get home."

Danny rose from the bed and started pacing, his hands joining in the conversation. "We need to talk sometime."

"And we couldn't have done that this morning instead of--" She gestured to the bed.

"Instead of fucking?" Danny snarled. "I didn't hear you complaining."

Any attempt at controlling her temper evaporated. "Don't you dare put this on me. I've been trying to talk since that first night, but you kept shutting me out."

"I wasn't ready," he yelled back.

She took three steps forward and poked him in the chest with her index finger. "Well, that's your problem. We're not doing this now."

With gritted teeth, he replied, "When then? Or should I get my lawyer to call your lawyer?"

"That might be a better idea." Grabbing her cell phone from her handbag, she demanded, "What's the number for the cab company?"

"You don't need a cab."

She stepped back when he tried to seize it. "I'm not doing this at the airport. What's the number?" When he just stood still and glared, she started for the living room. "Fine. I'll find it myself."

His last words followed her. "Go on, CJ. Run away. It's what you do best."

-------

For the umpteenth time since she'd arrived at the airport, she pulled out her cell and punched in his number. And for the umpteenth time cancelled the call before it connected.

Staring out the window at the planes on the tarmac, she debated whether lawyers might be the best way to reach some kind of settlement. If they couldn't find a way before the baby was born, what were the chances of agreeing after?

Not that they'd exactly tried. But what were the options? Their jobs were on opposite sides of the country. If he came back to DC, her career was as good as over. Was his any safer?

How could she tell the people she loved that she'd lied to them? Could they forgive her?

She should've stuck to her original decision. The passage of time had only compounded her sins.

Lowering her head and blinking to clear her vision, she dropped the cell into her handbag. Do the minimum to keep Danny happy and quiet, and devise a plan to keep this part of her life a secret. Piece of cake.

He sat down next to her. She didn't need to look to confirm.

"You had lunch?"

She nodded in reply, staring down at her hands twisting in her lap. An object appeared in her field of vision. "Thanks," she whispered, as she accepted the bottle of egg cream.

For five minutes they sat silently side-by-side. Her mind constructed sentences before discarding them unspoken. Maybe if she knew what his opening negotiating position was--hell, she'd been in politics too long.

"I'm sorry." His breath fanned her cheek.

"No." She couldn't look at or touch him, not in public and not if she wanted to maintain some semblance of control. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I haven't given you enough time to get used to it. I just--I'm--"

He completed her words. "I'm scared."

"I feel like I'm sixteen." Her voice cracked a little as the back of his hand brushed her thigh. She leaned her leg into his touch. "Are you sure we're adults?"

"Yeah, we're adults. We've got way too many competing responsibilities to be anything else." He paused and took a deep breath. "I want this so much, but I don't know how to make it work."

"That makes two of us." Touching her fingertips to his, she let her mouth ignore her brain. "Come to DC on Saturday. I've got the doctor's appointment and you'll be able to see her on the scan."

"I'd like that."

The huskiness in his voice made her turn her head ever so slightly to see him swiping at his eyes. Her need to comfort him overrode the fear of discovery as she threaded her fingers between his.

The next twenty minutes were punctuated with occasional snippets of conversation, but mostly they were content just to be close.

"That's you," he commented after a boarding announcement sounded through the lounge.

"Yeah."

"Call me when you get home so I know you're both safe."

"I will." She shook her head as Danny pulled her in for a cuddle. "Not here."

"Shh. People will think it weird if we don't," he whispered in her ear.

CJ glanced around at the people embracing and relaxed slightly, while still keeping a wary eye out for anyone paying them too much attention.

He stroked the side of her belly and their daughter responded.

"Did you have to wake her?" The plane trip was going to be uncomfortable enough without being kicked.

"Sorry."

"No, you're not."

"True." Placing a kiss near her ear, he breathed, "I love you," and pulled back.

Barely controlling her tears by biting her lip, she could only nod.

"Here." He held out her handbag.

Stepping closer than necessary to accept it, she kissed him on the cheek before turning and walking away.

-------

Fingering the locket that Danny had slipped into her handbag at the airport, CJ tried to concentrate on the pile of paperwork that had migrated to her office during her absence. But the low gurgling distracted her.

She gave up the pretence and moved to her couch, sitting down next to the carrier. "Break time, Serena."

The dark-haired baby kicked her legs in agreement and CJ grabbed a tiny foot. "Gotcha."

"You were gone four days, right? Not four months?"

She turned towards the door and patted her stomach. "It's a good fake."

Toby walked around the front of the couch and studied the baby. "Doesn't look a thing like you."

"Actually." CJ looked back and forth between them. "She's got your coloring. Something you haven't told me?"

"You're crazy."

"Heard that one before. Serena, meet Toby. Toby, Serena."

He shook her hand when she grabbed hold of his finger. "Nice to meet you, Serena. Can I interest you in joining the Democratic party?"

"I think her Auntie Carol will organize that." The baby's lower lip started to tremble. "Please wait till your mom gets back, Sweet Girl."

Toby pulled the visitor's chair over to the couch. "How was your break?"

"Good." CJ rocked the baby carrier in an attempt to forestall the eruption.

"Your dad?"

She shrugged. "I'm just hoping there'll be enough left of him when she's born. I wish they were closer, especially now."

"Have you considered taking a leave of absence and spending the time with them?"

Serena's howl waylaid her reply, though she had no idea what it would be. "Come here, Sweetheart." The baby nuzzled her breast as she settled against CJ. "Sorry, the milk run hasn't started yet."

Reaching into the carrier, Toby pulled out a pacifier. "Try this."

As Serena became more unsettled, CJ paced the office, rocking and bouncing her. "Please stop."

"Want me to find Carol?"

"No. She took her sister down to the mess for coffee."

"You need some help?"

"I have to learn to deal with this sometime." She didn't voice the small, scared 'Don't I?' as she shifted Serena to the opposite arm.

The phone ringing raised the cries to a whole new level. CJ waved at Toby to answer it and tried to quiet the baby so he could hear the call.

"Your four o'clock's been moved to eleven tomorrow," he informed her as he noted the details on a post-it. "They wanted to know whether you were torturing a reporter."

"I'd rather the gaggle were torturing me." She rubbed Serena's back and started humming a lullaby. The baby considered it a challenge to her vocal supremacy.

Toby glanced at his watch. "I've got a meeting with the Democratic leadership. Do you have the position paper on the Energy Bill?"

"I have no idea. Check the unread pile." She pointed to the relevant stack on her desk before returning to the pacing. "I don't know what you want." CJ's emotions spiraled with Serena's wails.

Half a dozen more howls and Serena flopped her head down onto CJ's shoulder, exhausted whimpers shaking her tiny body. A hand on CJ's back and she couldn't contain her own tears any longer. "I can't do this, Danny."

"CJ?"

Puzzled at his tone, she turned while wiping her eyes. The expression on Toby's face was one of concern, or maybe confusion, she had no idea which. "Isn't it on the desk?"

He held the file up. "Yeah. Got it. I have to--I'm late--"

"Go."

Placing his hand over hers on Serena's back, Toby regarded her solemnly. "Think about the leave of absence. You going to be okay?"

She looked down at the baby and then back up at him. "I don't know."

-------

Feeling a little drained after the doctor's, she'd left Danny in the living room with the ultrasound pictures and her pregnancy diary, and retreated to her bedroom for a nap.

A tinkling tune greeted her on waking. She found him in the nursery holding a music box.

"My grandfather gave it to me when I was born. Mom held on to it."

"It's beautiful." Danny wound it again before setting it down on the dresser. With a bow, he held out his hand. "May I have this dance?"

As they waltzed slowly around the room, she allowed herself to relax in the comfort and security of his arms.

"I can't believe how much she's grown in three months," he whispered against her cheek.

"I can. My stomach was flat at the first scan." She tried to nestle closer. "Now it's keeping us apart."

"Doesn't have to." Releasing and spinning her one-eighty, he pulled her back against his body, his hands settling over her belly. "See. We still fit."

CJ tilted her head as he started nibbling her neck. "Don't think your arms are going to be long enough in another three months."

"She was so life-like at eleven weeks."

"I wish I had a picture of her after the CVS." She smiled in memory. "She had her little fist up like she was going to punch the doctor."

"Definitely your daughter."

Slapping his arm and laughing, she leaned her head back on his shoulder so she could view his face. "Did you see that thing she was doing with her forehead?"

"What, this?" Danny raised his eyebrows.

"Awwww." CJ traced the resulting lines. "She's going to have her daddy's wrinkles."

He grabbed her hand and kissed her palm. "I've missed seeing you smile."

CJ blushed and changed the subject, pointing towards the dresser. "Did you see the Notre Dame sleepers over there? Guess who those are from."

Danny chuckled and began swaying with her in time to the music again. "For such a tiny girl, she's sure got a lot of things."

CJ agreed with a laugh. "Her wardrobe's bigger than mine."

"I didn't think that was possible."

She could picture the impish grin from the tone of his voice. "I've had to curtail Josh. He was giving me something almost every day. He's cut down to once a week or so."

"What's the bet his place is doubling as a baby shop?"

"Pretty low odds." She pointed to the large bear on the floor in front of them. "That's from him. She's not going near it until she's bigger than it."

"And I'd guess the cap is from Toby."

"You okay with the Yankees?"

"I'll live." He slowly turned them. "Those giraffes look familiar."

The music stopped and they stood still and silent, surrounded by baby things. CJ shifted her head to rest against his, and their fingers interlaced over their daughter.

"Thank you," she whispered, hoping he wouldn't ask for clarification. It was gratitude for everything and nothing in particular.

-------

Drawing her knees up as far as her stomach would allow, she rested her head back against the wood frame of her bedroom window sill and stared out at the lights of DC.

It had been a good day. The expression on his face during the scan; their dance in the nursery; making love as the light from the setting sun streaked gold and red and purple across their skin. The night had been relaxed: eating their favorite take-out on the couch followed by another trip to Oz. She'd soaked in a bubble bath while he sat on a towel on the bathroom floor, just chatting as he stroked her stomach. And laughter when he found her duck and complained how even the simplest toys had become high tech. He recovered quickly from his embarrassment and put D.D. to work.

And in fourteen hours he'd be gone.

The last five days had been more difficult and lonely than the past four months. But there still weren't any answers.

"CJ? Is something wrong?"

She turned her head as Danny approached out of the shadows. "Couldn't sleep."

He brushed the back of his hand across her cheek before sitting on the sill close to her feet. Twisting his upper body, he leaned forward and rested his chin on her knees.

She reached out and ran her fingers through his hair.

Sadness washed over his face, his voice echoing his pain as he whispered, "Deja vu." He pulled away and stared out the window.

She made her decision in that moment.

Lowering her feet to the floor, she stood and moved in front of him.

"CJ?" He blinked up at her.

She put her index finger on his lips. "Shhh. I need to tell you something." Untying the sash around her robe, she parted the material, exposing her bare skin. She grasped his hands and placed them on her belly.

He caressed her skin and she felt the butterfly stirrings begin.

"Danny." She stroked her hands over his face, needing to say it before the tears stole her voice. "We're pregnant."

The End