SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1 BURNING BRIGHTLY

Chapter Eight:

Disclaimer: Stargate is not mine.

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JACK:

"Colonel O'Neill!" Hammond descends on me like a thunder head as I stand up from the bed in the infirmary. They had to pry my hard-won venrai device out of my hands to put it in the lab for analysis before I'll be allowed to bring it anywhere near Carter, let alone use it. The nurse administering the usual post-mission check-up in Fraiser's stead scurries out of the way of Hammond's wrath. "Have you any idea..."

I snap upright. I'm so wound up here that I can almost hear the adrenaline humming through my veins. "General Hammond, with all due respect, sir, this can wait. I need to go see Carter."

And I step past him and head for the elevator, ignoring the nurses protests.

"Jack." he follows me, barely keeping pace as I nearly make a break for it. "I understand completely why you did this."

Of course you do, which is why it's gonna make it so hard to court martial me, yadda yadda yadda. I know. Just let me get to Sam, then you can string me up by my thumbs from the Stargate for all I care.

"How did you manage to get it?"

I look at him in surprise, and his look is resigned. I ponder how to tell him this. "An unexpected turn of events," I say tactfully as the elevator hums to life. "And a little elbow grease."

"You didn't shoot anybody, did you?"

I do my best to look affronted.

He sighs. "You threatened to, didn't you?"

"I merely helped certain people make a decision." I retort innocently.

Hammond steps out ahead of me as the doors open. On seeing me, the airmen on guard look wary. Guess word go out about my little demonstration in the corridor, huh? Things like that have a habit of travelling.

The ride down to the hospital is tense with silence. Hammond drives slowly, and my impatience only makes it seem slower. By the time we reach the Academy Hospital I've pretty much exhausted all of my nervous tension, but stepping out of the car heightens it anew. It's all I can do to keep from running into that room.

Fraiser, Daniel and Teal'c are in Sam's room as I burst in. She looks, if anything, worse; her skin is so pale it's almost grey, and she looks way too thin and small. The electronics assure me she is still alive. There is no other indication.

"Colonel!" Doctor Fraiser, thin-lipped and tired, and glares at me as she approaches and takes a look at my hand, giving me a reproving look.

"It was worth it," I say, thinking of the prize.

She gives me a cursory glance. "We're not using it on her until it's been cleared at the SGC." she says firmly.

"Just make sure they clear it quickly, okay?" I take a seat, realising just how buggered I am here. I feel as if I've run a marathon. I'm too old for this.

For some unfathomable reason, I'm actually glad that Janet harries me out of my uniform and into bed, and allow her to clean my scrapes and cuts with something that stings and frown over my re-injured hand and even give me a shot with only a token resistance to the medieval torture routine she calls treating the patient.

I'm asleep before I've even closed my eyes.

DANIEL:

General Hammond looked mad and I frankly don't blame him. Jack wilfully disobeyed orders yet again, and this time with pretty far-reaching consequences. I don't know what happened on Frevia, but right now I'm trying not to think of the mess this is going to be. We may even have angry Frevian officials knocking on our iris screaming for Jack's blood.

Jack is lucky that Fraiser is refusing to let anyone near him, Hammond included.

"So," I say, pointing to the device, which is shielded behind a clear barrier. We stand in Carter's lab, because it's the best-equipped on the base. "What is it?"

One of the technicians sighs. "As far as we can tell, it's a piece of rock."

The other glances up from the keyboard. "There's no trace of circuitry or - or anything that might suggest –" he frowns. "That it does anything, let alone cures comas."

The first one pokes the barrier with a finger. "It's made from some sort of mineral compound, containing trace elements of an unknown alloy. It's foreign to us, but apart from that," a shrug. "Really, I can't tell you anything else. The best person for the job would be Major Carter herself."

"Well, it's fairly needless to say that's not going to happen." I say. "Can you at least tell me if it's harmless?"

"As far as we can tell." they supply miserably.

I move over to the shield. "Can we remove it?"

"Should be safe." technician one says. "Colonel O'Neill said that the device was activated when in contact with an unconscious person. Just avoid touching the notch, which is supposedly the 'on' switch."

The device feels cold in my hands, it's angular shaped edges hard. I tap it experimentally. Nothing happens. I run my hands over it to no effect. I look up at the techs, who are watching my every move. Nothing.

I would hate it very much if this thing was a dud. If they passed off, picking an item at random here, some Frevian version of a Gameboy as a device that could help Sam.

I put the device on the table and frown at it. "Father Nahibrim said that it could override the brainwaves, and interfere with the patterns that allowed the mind to believe that it was in the Ethera." I muse aloud. The techs glance at me, then away, unsure of whether they should listen to me or leave me alone. "The bodies systems and the brain are controlled through a series of bio-chemical impulses."

One of the technicians nods. "Well, yes. Neurons in our brains forge pathways that convey electrical nerve impulses. It's how we're able to sort information, coordinate movement, remember things..."

I whirl on the two bewildered techs. "Have you checked the device for some sort of electrical charge?"

Tech one nods. "One of the first things we did. All things are made up of atoms, and atoms contain electrons, which gives everything a faint electrical charge. But in most cases, like this one, the charge is too small to have any effect. There's nothing applying any voltage to get the electrons moving. It came up negative."

"Right. Of course." Unless...

"What about chemical charge?

The second tech nods, realising what I'm saying. "The transmission from one neuron to another is achieved chemically, not electrically."

The first tech returns to the computer, calling up the analysis he made earlier. "The chemical make-up of the alloy is one we've never seen before." he says. "There is a faint chemical charge being emitted. But it's so faint we dismissed it."

"It might not have to be very powerful." I say. "Just enough to disrupt the chemical impulses that are causing the brain to keep the body in a state of unconsciousness."

"It's a neurotransmitter," the first tech says, disbelievingly. "It stores an active chemical and releases it in the form of energy when it comes in contact with a persons skin. There must be some kind of interface with the nervous system..." he hurries over, carrying a set of electrodes which he sits on the device, and a small metre. The needle on the metre swings towards the right, and remains there. "Amazing. It's not losing any of it's charge. It must be completely regenerative." He looks up. " If this could be adapted to suit our needs, we could..."

I hold up my hands. "Right now we only need it to do one thing." I remind them. "Then maybe you and Carter can work on this together."

I can't miss the shared glances.

"What did I say?"

"Um..." tech one looks sheepish.

"What is it?" I repeat.

"Major Carter... doesn't really work 'with' people," he says in a low voice.

The other man nods uncomfortably. "She, um, ordered us out of her lab last time we were working in accompaniment with her. We haven't been allowed back in since." he looks guiltily around the room.

I try to keep a straight face and try not to think about what the two men had done to incur Sam's wrath.

JACK:

There's no doubting that Daniel is a genius. I've always thought so myself, but with my usual concern for others I haven't told him because I don't want him getting a swollen ego. However, he definitely hears it now, though he just mumbles something about two lab techs who had an excuse to use Carter's equipment for the day.

It's me, Daniel, Teal'c, Jacob and Janet in Sam's room. I look again at the device Daniel is holding from where I lean against the wall.

"It's a what-now?"

"A neurotransmitter." Janet enunciates. "Or, at least that's what it contains. How it releases the chemical into the bloodstream or nervous system is still a mystery. If this works, Sam should come out of the coma quickly and easily."

"And if it doesn't?"

"Well," Janet frowns. "The wrong type of chemicals entering her system could severely disrupt neurotransmission, rendering the brain incapable of controlling nerve impulses... possibly the effects could even damage inhibitory or excitatory impulses, the amino acids, such as glutamate and Gamma amino butyric acid..."

"Doctor." I hold up a hand, and look enquiringly at the other members of the room. "Anyone care to translate that?"

No takers?

"Sorry, sir." Janet takes a deep breath. "She could end up with symptoms similar to Parkinson's disease or Alzheimer's. I don't know enough about the differences between Frevian physiology and our own to be able to make an accurate assessment of exactly how this will affect her. We don't even know if this will work."

I clench a fist angrily. "So do we use it on her or not?"

"Well, that's the question, isn't it?" Daniel puts in. "How are we supposed to decide?"

Jacob is holding his daughter's hand loosely. "We have to try it." he says, voice soft.

"I do not believe it would be wise to expose MajorCarter to such a thing." Teal'c disagrees. "It is potentially lethal. She may yet emerge from the coma under her own volition."

Daniel looks to Janet, who shakes her head. "I honestly don't know what to do."

"We can't just stand by and do fuck-all!" I snarl.

"Calm yourself, O'Neill." Teal'c warns. "There are many things to be considered before undertaking this procedure."

"Teal'c's right, Colonel." Janet replies. "We need to take some time and think this through."

I know that, but thinking and taking time could cost Sam her life. I don't want to think about things, now or ever. I'm through with thinking. I'm just going to sit down on this chair here and ... God, my head hurts!

"Jack, are you okay?" Daniel's voice cuts through the bright red pounding ache, as sharp as a razor.

"Oh, I'm fine." My voice is muffled because I'm speaking into my hands. Just fine. 'Scuse me for a second while I get over just how fine I am.

I can feel their wary gazes on me. O'Neill's finally cracked under the pressure, right? Sitting there in that chair, rocking like a loon. The lunch-time gossip over dinner trays in the mess will be 'did you hear what happened to old Jack O'Neill?' Poor man, what'd they go and drag him out of retirement for? Shoulda left him there.' Wouldn't have met Sam then. Make things easier. Isn't that what you've always wanted, O'Neill? The easy way out? Wasn't that why you were so willing to blow yourself up on Abydos? Because it was easier than dealing with the crap this life dishes out?

Dammit. I don't want to think anymore. I feel so sick.

"Just breathe deeply, Colonel." Janet's voice, carefully soothing as she clasps my shoulder. I look up with a start. She gives the others a look that sends them all, even Jacob, out the door. "Keep your head down."

I do as she says, but I don't feel any better.

"You've had a severe period of trauma. This is a normal reaction, okay?" She sits down beside me, holding my hand gently. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"

I run a hand through my hair and try to breathe evenly. "No." I say shortly. "There's nothing to say."

"I don't think that's true, Jack."

I look up at her calm face. I close my eyes for a second. "I took the Senator, Melabinsan, hostage." I say.

"The man you ... um ..."

"Yeah." she's heard. "I would have killed him, Janet." I say. "I had the gun to his head ... a hair trigger ... and I would have pulled it. I would have killed him for what he might have done to Sam that night, and what he would do to Sam by not helping me. I wanted to kill him."

She looks at me, understanding in her eyes.

"I've killed people before." I go on. "It comes with the job. I have to protect my team. And I'd do it happily if it meant saving one of their lives. But I've never felt it like that before. Never. I just - wanted him dead."

"Colonel - the safety of your team is paramount. We're all a lot closer than we're supposed to be. It's the way we work. And nothing can make killing someone in cold blood right, unless it's the absolute last and only option there is. But you didn't kill him."

I shake my head. "If I had, he wouldn't have had the chance to help us."

"You didn't kill him, Colonel." she restates firmly. "I want to give you a shot of a slight sedative, okay?"

"In the arm?" I ask her pleadingly.

"In the arm." she says, releasing my hand and leaving the room.

I sit back with a sigh. I don't wish I'd never come out of retirement, not for a second. I can't regret meeting Sam, any more than I can regret meeting George, Teal'c, Daniel or Janet. Together they've made my life somewhere near whole again. Therefore I can't regret going to Frevia Four, because this resulting mess is what makes me realise exactly that. I just don't know what to do about it.

SAM:

"Everything you've shown me so far has to do with my team. With what we do." I speak to the guardians, if their still around. "What is it I'm missing?"

"That which is missed is often found, but that which is lost is less often discovered." The low voice intones.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I snap.

"Meaning is relevant only to the self, and cannot be explained by me or any other."

"Fine. So, I've got a series of events that take place over my time spent as part of SG-1." I try to think. "The only connection between them seems to be ..."

Suddenly I feel a wave of shock, like a solid wall slamming into me.

"You seem distracted, Samantha."

I'm back in the citadel on Frevia Four. Know this place off by heart now. I take the drink offered to me, but don't join in the toast. I'm too busy glaring at the Governor and Jack over there.

I feel slightly queasy in the pit of my stomach. I look back over at Melabinsan, smiling cordially at me and inviting me to dance. Why did I say yes? It's plainly obvious now. I wanted to dance with him. It had nothing at all to do with how damn hot he was and who he was. It had everything to do with Jack doing his best to keep his eyes above Laius's shoulders and not succeeding.

I set the glass down on the table nearby and lean against the wall in a sudden fit of dizziness. "Oh God." I say. The zatarc detector. The meeting in the lab. The ruins on P2Y441. This scene, the celebration on Frevia Four, replaying over and over again.

Suddenly I'm being led out of the chamber, into the hallway. Pressed back against the wall as Melabinsan's mouth settles gently on mine. Kissing him back as the world rocks to either side, and hating myself for not being able to stop. Hating that it's him I'm kissing when all I can think of is Jack dancing with the Governor.

Oh God.

"This is what you wanted me to see, isn't it?" I say, turning away from Melabinsan and facing the empty hallway. "This is it."

"You have come to an understanding. This is progress." The reply comes as the hallway dims. "By coming to this understanding, you are healing the breach which divides your soul."

I close my eyes and fight the urge to scream. "I was jealous because I wasn't the one Jack was dancing with, so I tried to make him jealous by letting Melabinsan do that to me?" I shake my head. "Im not that petty."

Or am I? I know how I felt when I saw Jack talking to Laius. I know how I felt on PX9757 when Jack wouldn't leave and I thought he was going to die because of me. And how I felt as I watched him kiss the alternate me through the mirror. But I hid all that, then lied to him about it being okay. All the while lying even more to myself. It's definitely not okay.

And I have to keep denying it, for the sake of regulations, for the sake of our careers, for the sake of ... of ... and when it comes down to it, I'm terrified of what might happen if I give in. If I stop denying. I'm scared that Jack might not see things the same way.

And what about me? I don't want to sacrifice everything I've worked for my entire life. It's as simple as that. Jack and I can't be together. It doesn't work out, no matter how I look at it.

"I can't believe I'm going through all this so that you can give me relationship advice." I say, and I'm back in the dark, lying on the hard surface. "You know what? This is ridiculous. Colonel O'Neill and I don't even HAVE a relationship. Not like that."

"It appears otherwise."

"No, it doesn't! We're colleagues, friends. We work together. It doesn't make any sense to let this stuff affect what we do."

"It already does."

I think of Jack's reaction to the position he found me and Melabinsan in. I did want him to be jealous. And ... and it worked. My god, I used the senator to lure him into action. I ... I am petty.

"I'm in love with Colonel O'Neill." I say softly, tasting the strange words on my tongue. "I'm in love with Jack."

"You have reached the end of this journey."

"I have?"

"But your other journeys have only just begun."

I open my mouth to say more, but before I can get the words out my vision blurs into obscurity. I try to call out, but nothing seems to work the way it should. The darkness, that horrible, impenetrable black void surrounds me, closing in. I think I may have reached a resolution, but before unconsciousness claims me once more I wonder: which of the two roads did I take?

JACK:

Daniel has become acquainted with the hospital cafeteria, and is busy trying to convince Teal'c that the chicken rolls are actually a food substance when I find them sitting at a table near the window. Daniel is sipping a polystyrene cup of lukewarm coffee and grimacing at the flavour. Teal'c is eying the chicken roll as if it is about to sprout wings and start clucking.

"Any news?" Daniel asks over the rim of his cup, then mutters. "Ah, this tastes like it's five days old."

I shake my head. Teal'c has decided to go for the safer alternative of frozen yogurt. "Have you reached a decision regarding the venrai device, O'Neill?"

"That's a question with a lot of answers, Teal'c. A whole big bunch of stuff attached there." I sigh. "It's not up to me to decide. I talked it over with Janet and Carter's dad. If she doesn't come out of the coma in three days, rounding off the ten altogether, we go in and drag her out by the ankles, so to speak. To tell the truth, I'm not sure I want to try it though."

"The possibility of frying her brain circuits? Yeah, I got that too." Daniel says. "Maybe it's best just..." he pauses, looking over my shoulder to the doorway. I turn and find a nurse there, clipboard in hand and beckoning urgently.

My heart travels south at an alarming speed as the implications of this slam into me. What could have happened? What's gone wrong? Is she... oh, no... a panicked glance at the others, then I'm standing up so fast Daniel's coffee goes flying. I shove the chair aside and push my way through the other tables to the door, giving the woman a pleading look.

"It's some sort of seizure."

I'm very glad that there's a wall right there for me to slump against as I regain control of my muscular functions. No time for that. On legs that shake I run for the elevator, the others close behind me. Once in the elevator, I'm calm enough to start listening to what she's saying.

"... hasn't come out of the coma. She's being given treatment as we speak but..." she shakes her head. Why do elevators always travel so slowly? The doors slide open and I'm out of there and running down the corridors, nearly colliding with several people and objects. I'm working on pure adrenaline here. Oh God Sam...

I burst into the room and see Janet bending over her. There's a horrible screech of a flat-line heart rate. Alarms are going off as I'm pushed back against the wall as another doctor whizzes past. Sam is arched back on the bed, head pressed back into the pillow, her arms thrown back as she twists unnaturally. Things seem to move in strobe-light fragments. Daniels' hands clenched into fists. Jacob's cheeks wet with tears. Janet turns around and looks at us pleadingly.

"We're going to have to try it." I say, forcing each of the words out. I pull the device out of my pocket and hand it to Janet, relinquishing responsibility of the task. She takes it and shoos the other nurses and doctors away from the bed. She takes Sam's hand gingerly, holding it against the spasms that wrack her from head to toe.

She places the hand on the device, holding it there firmly. Sam jerks wildly, pulling unknowingly against her as Janet tries to touch her middle finger to the small notch ... and fails.

Sam suddenly falls limp, and subsides back to the pillow with a faint exhalation of breath and - a smile? Not quite, but almost a smile.

The heart rate monitor kicks in, measuring steady beeps. Janet tosses the device aside and looks up, amazed. "Her heart rate is elevated, but normal..." she checks a few other things. "Blood pressure..."

We stand there in silence. Sam's hair, slick with sweat, is plastered to her forehead and her hospital gown has come loose and is baring one of her shoulders. "She's fine." Janet confirms my thoughts. "She's just... asleep."

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Yay!