HUNNICUTT HOME, MILL VALLEY, CALIFORNIA: SEPTEMBER 1, 1953.
"Wow!" exclaimed an ecstatic BJ "that's terrific news!"
He put the phone down and went into the kitchen and to tell Peg about the wedding.
"Really?" she quizzed, making dinner "from what you've told me, err...Hawkeye and Margaret were total opposites".
"Yes" said BJ "they are, but when he came back from another MASH unit, he told me that she'd done something to him, ...well, I guess this is a result of that".
"Huh" said Peg. "When is this wedding?" she asked, looking at the calendar, notes scrawled all over it.
"The fifth" said BJ, flopping down in front of the TV.
He put the phone down and went into the kitchen and to tell Peg about the wedding.
"Really?" she quizzed, making dinner "from what you've told me, err...Hawkeye and Margaret were total opposites".
"Yes" said BJ "they are, but when he came back from another MASH unit, he told me that she'd done something to him, ...well, I guess this is a result of that".
"Huh" said Peg. "When is this wedding?" she asked, looking at the calendar, notes scrawled all over it.
"The fifth" said BJ, flopping down in front of the TV.
Wow, he thought. Hawkeye and Hotlips, well, if that could happen, then man would someday land on the moon he assumed.
Like, far out man.
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VETERAN AFFAIRS HOSPITAL, FORT WAYNE, IND: SEPTEMBER 1, 1953.
Frank sat on the edge of the gurney, a small trickle of drool running out his mouth.
A shrink shined his penlight in his eyes, back and forth ....snapped his fingers, nup, didn't seem to faze ol' Ferret Face.
The doctor turned to Louise Burns, who was sitting nearby.
"Mrs. Burns, there's no easy way to say this but your husband has suffered some kind of massive neurological seizure...with the right medication and some extensive hypnotherapy, it should be only temporary"
Louise looked at Frank, whose tongue was lolling out his mouth, his eyes fixed and staring into nowhere, what ever made him tick has stopped ticking.
"What would cause a thing like this?" she asked.
"Well" said the doctor "when someone hears or sees something so wholly mentally and emotionally incomprehensible they just 'shut down' or their brain chooses to ignore it, which usually sends them into some kind of delirium state, as I said, it should be fixable"
A shrink shined his penlight in his eyes, back and forth ....snapped his fingers, nup, didn't seem to faze ol' Ferret Face.
The doctor turned to Louise Burns, who was sitting nearby.
"Mrs. Burns, there's no easy way to say this but your husband has suffered some kind of massive neurological seizure...with the right medication and some extensive hypnotherapy, it should be only temporary"
Louise looked at Frank, whose tongue was lolling out his mouth, his eyes fixed and staring into nowhere, what ever made him tick has stopped ticking.
"What would cause a thing like this?" she asked.
"Well" said the doctor "when someone hears or sees something so wholly mentally and emotionally incomprehensible they just 'shut down' or their brain chooses to ignore it, which usually sends them into some kind of delirium state, as I said, it should be fixable"
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VACANT COMMERCIAL LOT # 149294, TOLEDO, OHIO: SEPTEMBER 2, 1953.
The construction company was erecting a temp fence around the lot, heavy machinery and tons of cement, gravel, earth and timber were being moved around the place.
Klinger stood at the side, watching as everything was going on. He had his old foreman helmet from the 4077th on and a whistle around his neck. He had a "DEPUTY FOREMAN" vest on.
He rubbed his hands together and smiled "yes, I can see it now!" he exclaimed, confidently.
Paul O'Connor came over, he held plans and had a worried look on his face.
"Max, just exactly how long is this planning to take" he asked.
"About six weeks" Klinger said, looking at a stack of plans on a donut table beside him. Just then, a worker came up and handed him a message "Mr. Klinger? Phone, I was told it was urgent"
Klinger put down his coffee and thanked him; he quickly walked over to the admin trailer and took the phone off of Denton Richards, his business manager.
"Klinger here?" he asked
Klinger stood at the side, watching as everything was going on. He had his old foreman helmet from the 4077th on and a whistle around his neck. He had a "DEPUTY FOREMAN" vest on.
He rubbed his hands together and smiled "yes, I can see it now!" he exclaimed, confidently.
Paul O'Connor came over, he held plans and had a worried look on his face.
"Max, just exactly how long is this planning to take" he asked.
"About six weeks" Klinger said, looking at a stack of plans on a donut table beside him. Just then, a worker came up and handed him a message "Mr. Klinger? Phone, I was told it was urgent"
Klinger put down his coffee and thanked him; he quickly walked over to the admin trailer and took the phone off of Denton Richards, his business manager.
"Klinger here?" he asked
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PIERCE HOME, CRABAPPLE COVE, MAINE: SEPTEMBER 2, 1953.
Hawkeye was on the phone; Margaret, Louise McIntyre and Peg Hunnicutt were in the kitchen, busily planning the upcoming wedding.
Erin was playing on the kitchen floor, Becky and Kathy McIntyre were watching the TV in the den.
"Thanks" said Hawkeye as he hung up "well, it looks like the Klingers' can make it after all; he said he'd get his Uncle Abdul to cover while he was gone"
"Wow! That's wonderful!" said Margaret.
Trapper and BJ were sitting outside enjoying the Maine weather, Hawkeye joined them, they still couldn't believe that of all the people, Hawk was marrying Margaret Houlihan.
Hawkeye sat down beside them and looked to the sky.
"Man' said Trapper "It's still hard to get into the ol' head that you are marrying Hotlips Houlihan..I mean, the chance of that happening!"
Hawkeye sat up "yep, of all the people in all gin joints in all the world".
"I just knew it" said BJ "when I got that call, there was just something that told me you were marrying her. I remember the night you to got back to camp after going to the 8063rd, and you told me that she'd stirred something in you - I just knew it"
Erin was playing on the kitchen floor, Becky and Kathy McIntyre were watching the TV in the den.
"Thanks" said Hawkeye as he hung up "well, it looks like the Klingers' can make it after all; he said he'd get his Uncle Abdul to cover while he was gone"
"Wow! That's wonderful!" said Margaret.
Trapper and BJ were sitting outside enjoying the Maine weather, Hawkeye joined them, they still couldn't believe that of all the people, Hawk was marrying Margaret Houlihan.
Hawkeye sat down beside them and looked to the sky.
"Man' said Trapper "It's still hard to get into the ol' head that you are marrying Hotlips Houlihan..I mean, the chance of that happening!"
Hawkeye sat up "yep, of all the people in all gin joints in all the world".
"I just knew it" said BJ "when I got that call, there was just something that told me you were marrying her. I remember the night you to got back to camp after going to the 8063rd, and you told me that she'd stirred something in you - I just knew it"
"So." said Margaret, "who has that seating plan?"
Louise pulled some paper out of a pile on the table "here it is" she said "who should I seat the Klinger's with?"
"How about the Freedman's?" suggested Peg
"Sounds good to me" said Margaret.
"Erin" asked Peg "why you don't you go and play outside with daddy for a while?"
Erin looked up "'k mommy" she said and began to walk outside to see BJ.
Margaret sighed "I've got so much to plan and only a few days! All the guest will be arriving the day after tomorrow, we have to get the menu sorted, hire the seating, food and everything, I don't know if I can do all that!"
Peg looked at Louise, who in turn looked at Margaret, her head buried in her hands.
"Aw, its ok honey" said Peg "Louise n' me will help you get everything sorted, just you wait, it'll be a top notch whiz bang of an affair, we've speaking from experience here"
Louise gave Margaret a hug "just you wait and see.."
Louise pulled some paper out of a pile on the table "here it is" she said "who should I seat the Klinger's with?"
"How about the Freedman's?" suggested Peg
"Sounds good to me" said Margaret.
"Erin" asked Peg "why you don't you go and play outside with daddy for a while?"
Erin looked up "'k mommy" she said and began to walk outside to see BJ.
Margaret sighed "I've got so much to plan and only a few days! All the guest will be arriving the day after tomorrow, we have to get the menu sorted, hire the seating, food and everything, I don't know if I can do all that!"
Peg looked at Louise, who in turn looked at Margaret, her head buried in her hands.
"Aw, its ok honey" said Peg "Louise n' me will help you get everything sorted, just you wait, it'll be a top notch whiz bang of an affair, we've speaking from experience here"
Louise gave Margaret a hug "just you wait and see.."
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PIERCE HOME, CRABAPPLE COVE, MAINE; SEPTEMBER 5, 1953.
The big day had finally arrived! The lawn was set up for the guests, tables had been set out, as well as a beautiful gazebo for the ceremony.
It was a fresh day in Maine, the sea air blew gently, the sun shone and everything was picture perfect.
Charles, Trapper and BJ were upstairs with Hawkeye, getting ready.
"Ah gentlemen" said Charles "I see the day that Pierce finally takes a wife has arrived, I shall use this experience to craft my own wedding to perfection"
BJ laughed "I thought you and that French guy, Cheese Groovaneara were planning your wingding"
Charles rolled his eyes "Poor Hunnicutt, his name is Chea Groovara, he is the finest wedding planner in all of Boston, call man to the rich and societal ..of which I would know about, you on the other hand, would know...nothing"
He chuckled.
Hawkeye straightened his bow tie.
"Mary!" screeched Margaret at her sister, "help me get into this dress! We don't have all day!"
Her sisters Mary and Marie, and mother Jean were trying to wrestle Margaret into her wedding dress.
After much screaming, bellowing and commotion, they succeeded.
Father Mulchay had arrived from Philadelphia for the ceremony and waiting for the bridal party to line up.
Finally, they were ready. The flower girls, Erin along with Kathy and Becky McIntyre began to walk down the path to the gazebo, dropping pink and white roses.
They were followed by Marie, Jean and Mary, then Louise and Peg, the matrons of honor. They wore long, flowing white bridal dresses with pink and white lace.
Everyone was looking at Frank's empty chair, they thought that the health department might bring him in a wheelie trolley surrounded by goons, but there was no sign of him.
The (ret.) Colonel and Mrs. Potter sat in the front row, he couldn't help crying, he'd been like a father to Margaret in Korea.
As everyone looked on, Margaret began to walk toward Hawkeye, who was waiting at the altar for his bride.
She exited the house, and walked along the long white carpet toward a very proper looking Col. Alvin "Howitzer" Houlihan to be given away.
When she and her father reached the gazebo, he lifted up the veil and gave Margaret a kiss, then he handed her off the Hawkeye. He was (deep, deep inside, in a place that never sees the light of day or reads Time, USA Today or any other fine publication to keep itself abreast with the latest news) happy that his Margaret had finally found someone to marry (again).
At least this one seemed half decent, he reassured himself.
Father Mulchay looked towards the congregation, "Does anyone object to these two being married?" he asked.
Everyone looked over towards the Burns' section, nope....still no Frank in a wheelie cage guarded by 350 pound goons armed with sedatives.
No one said anything; all that could be heard was the occasional sniff or cough.
"Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife" said the Father, everyone cheered as Hawk and Margaret kissed each other.
It was a fresh day in Maine, the sea air blew gently, the sun shone and everything was picture perfect.
Charles, Trapper and BJ were upstairs with Hawkeye, getting ready.
"Ah gentlemen" said Charles "I see the day that Pierce finally takes a wife has arrived, I shall use this experience to craft my own wedding to perfection"
BJ laughed "I thought you and that French guy, Cheese Groovaneara were planning your wingding"
Charles rolled his eyes "Poor Hunnicutt, his name is Chea Groovara, he is the finest wedding planner in all of Boston, call man to the rich and societal ..of which I would know about, you on the other hand, would know...nothing"
He chuckled.
Hawkeye straightened his bow tie.
"Mary!" screeched Margaret at her sister, "help me get into this dress! We don't have all day!"
Her sisters Mary and Marie, and mother Jean were trying to wrestle Margaret into her wedding dress.
After much screaming, bellowing and commotion, they succeeded.
Father Mulchay had arrived from Philadelphia for the ceremony and waiting for the bridal party to line up.
Finally, they were ready. The flower girls, Erin along with Kathy and Becky McIntyre began to walk down the path to the gazebo, dropping pink and white roses.
They were followed by Marie, Jean and Mary, then Louise and Peg, the matrons of honor. They wore long, flowing white bridal dresses with pink and white lace.
Everyone was looking at Frank's empty chair, they thought that the health department might bring him in a wheelie trolley surrounded by goons, but there was no sign of him.
The (ret.) Colonel and Mrs. Potter sat in the front row, he couldn't help crying, he'd been like a father to Margaret in Korea.
As everyone looked on, Margaret began to walk toward Hawkeye, who was waiting at the altar for his bride.
She exited the house, and walked along the long white carpet toward a very proper looking Col. Alvin "Howitzer" Houlihan to be given away.
When she and her father reached the gazebo, he lifted up the veil and gave Margaret a kiss, then he handed her off the Hawkeye. He was (deep, deep inside, in a place that never sees the light of day or reads Time, USA Today or any other fine publication to keep itself abreast with the latest news) happy that his Margaret had finally found someone to marry (again).
At least this one seemed half decent, he reassured himself.
Father Mulchay looked towards the congregation, "Does anyone object to these two being married?" he asked.
Everyone looked over towards the Burns' section, nope....still no Frank in a wheelie cage guarded by 350 pound goons armed with sedatives.
No one said anything; all that could be heard was the occasional sniff or cough.
"Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife" said the Father, everyone cheered as Hawk and Margaret kissed each other.
By now, everyone was seated enjoying fresh Maine lobster and a veritable feast of foods.
As Trapper was about to get up and toast them, a white van pulled up. Half a dozen burly men in white scrub suits jumped out and opened the back doors.
They went in and - in a parody to Hannibal - wheeled out Frank Burns, strapped in two straightjackets with a gag across his mouth.
Louise Burns walked beside her husband as he was wheeled across the lawn to within about 10 ft of the reception, surrounded by burly goons armed with tranquilizers.
"Why Frank, how nice of you to come!" mocked Hawkeye.
That doctor was right, Frank had come back to reality, and he was now crazier than a bedbug "Pierce! How dare you marry 'my' Margaret, get your hands off her, she's mine, mine, mine!!! It's not fair!"
"FRANK" Louise spat "What do you're think you're doing?"
He began to flail his arms and splutter like mad, the goons quickly stabbed a hypo of sedative in him, after several seconds, he quieted down.
The goons quickly grabbed Frank and wheeled him back to the van. They closed the doors, got in and drove off.
"Bye Frank!" everyone yelled.
"So ol' Ferret Face went nuts huh? I would have never imagined in a thousand years!" laughed BJ.
Trapper got up and raised his glass of champagne.
"You know, I never imagined that Hotlips Houlihan and Hawkeye Pierce would ever get married, when I first saw them together, they hated each other, they were complete opposites.
However, I have seen that I was wrong and I wish you two all the best for the future"
Trapper sat down as everyone clapped and cheered.
After lunch, Hawkeye and Margaret danced to "Love Me Tender" (Elvis) and Nat King Cole's "Unforgettable", then as everyone cheered them on, they drove away for their honeymoon to Hawaii - paid for by none other than Charles, who had "extensive connections in those parts"
As Trapper was about to get up and toast them, a white van pulled up. Half a dozen burly men in white scrub suits jumped out and opened the back doors.
They went in and - in a parody to Hannibal - wheeled out Frank Burns, strapped in two straightjackets with a gag across his mouth.
Louise Burns walked beside her husband as he was wheeled across the lawn to within about 10 ft of the reception, surrounded by burly goons armed with tranquilizers.
"Why Frank, how nice of you to come!" mocked Hawkeye.
That doctor was right, Frank had come back to reality, and he was now crazier than a bedbug "Pierce! How dare you marry 'my' Margaret, get your hands off her, she's mine, mine, mine!!! It's not fair!"
"FRANK" Louise spat "What do you're think you're doing?"
He began to flail his arms and splutter like mad, the goons quickly stabbed a hypo of sedative in him, after several seconds, he quieted down.
The goons quickly grabbed Frank and wheeled him back to the van. They closed the doors, got in and drove off.
"Bye Frank!" everyone yelled.
"So ol' Ferret Face went nuts huh? I would have never imagined in a thousand years!" laughed BJ.
Trapper got up and raised his glass of champagne.
"You know, I never imagined that Hotlips Houlihan and Hawkeye Pierce would ever get married, when I first saw them together, they hated each other, they were complete opposites.
However, I have seen that I was wrong and I wish you two all the best for the future"
Trapper sat down as everyone clapped and cheered.
After lunch, Hawkeye and Margaret danced to "Love Me Tender" (Elvis) and Nat King Cole's "Unforgettable", then as everyone cheered them on, they drove away for their honeymoon to Hawaii - paid for by none other than Charles, who had "extensive connections in those parts"
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OFFICE OF DR. B. F. PIERCE, CRABAPPLE COVE, MAINE: SEPTEMBER 15, 1953
As Hawkeye sat at his desk filling in medical reports, there was a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" he asked
"It's me, now let me in or I'll huff and puff and blow your house down" said Margaret.
"Why Margaret, what a nice surprise, but what are you doing here?" Hawk asked, picking her up and plopping her down on his exam table.
They both kissed for a few long seconds.
"Ben, I've got some fantastic news..." said Margaret, very excited.
A big smile spread across Hawkeye's face, "what is it?" he asked.
"Well...uh," she began, fiddling with her fingers, waiting for the right form of words to come to her.