Title: Brass Quintet
Author: S A Martin
Synopsis: Post Evidence Of Things Not Seen, Josh admits his fears to Stanley.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Up to S4, Evidence Of Things Not Seen
Disclaimer: The West Wing and all the characters belong to many people, unfortunately none of them are me.
Donna turned off her computer and tidied her desk, all the time keeping one eye on her boss, who was standing leaning against one the walls of her cubicle. "So you gonna hire him then?" she asked.
"I'm going to recommend him."
"Good, we need a bit of eye candy in this place," she smiled, before her expression became serious and she turned all her attention to Josh. "How'd it go with Stanley?"
"I didn't call him."
"Josh! You promised you would."
"I'm fine, I don't need to talk to him."
"He's expecting you to."
"I didn't even hear the shots, Donna. I didn't know anything had happened until Leo and Toby came and told me."
Donna wanted to march Josh into his office and stand over him while he called Dr Keyworth, but she knew that wouldn't work, so she reluctantly let it drop. "You coming?"
Josh shook his head. "You go, I want to see Leo first."
"I'll see you tomorrow then."
After Donna left, Josh went back into his office and sat down, standing again almost immediately and staring out of the window. Death by cop, that's what the guy had wanted. What on earth would possess someone to do that?
"Go home, it's late," CJ interrupted his thoughts.
"You're still here," Josh pointed out.
"On my way out."
"I'm going soon," he promised, turning back to the window.
"You okay?"
Josh turned to face CJ. "Why would someone want to be shot?" he asked her. "The guy tonight. He wanted the agents to shoot him. Why?"
"Because he's crazy, Josh."
Josh frowned as he considered that. "That's the explanation for everything we don't understand though isn't it? If someone acts in a way that doesn't seem rational, then they must be crazy."
"He wanted the agents to kill him. If that isn't crazy......"
"Yeah."
CJ waited for Josh to continue but he just watched her. "You okay?" she asked again.
"I don't understand how anyone can want to die."
"I guess some people decide that they can't handle living anymore, that there's nothing left for them."
Josh shook his head. "But then, how will they know what was suppose to happen to them?"
CJ smiled, "That's very deep, Joshua." She could see that Josh was actually waiting for an answer though. "I suppose they don't care. I guess it's not something anyone can understand unless they've been that far down."
Josh was silent for a minute or more while he thought about that, before he looked across at CJ. "Even when I was...... I never thought about doing that."
"Good," CJ said. "Let's go home."
"Donna wants me to call Stanley. She called him to warn him I would be doing"
"But you haven't."
"No. I feel fine," Josh assured her and changed the subject. "We're going to have another Republican in the Counsel's Office."
"Donna says he's cute," CJ smiled at Josh, but she was still trying to gage his mood, to decide whether he really was fine.
"Apparently," Josh grinned as his cell phone rang.
"That'll be Donna checking up on you."
Josh took the phone out of his pocket and looked at the name on the screen. "Yeah," he agreed. "I'll see you tomorrow."
Once CJ had left, Josh answered the ringing phone. "Hey, Stanley."
"Josh, I've been waiting for your call."
"Yeah, look that was just Donna fussing. I wasn't anywhere near the shooting, I didn't even hear it."
"So you feel fine?"
"Yeah."
"Good," Stanley replied. "What about when they told you what had happened, how did you feel then?"
"You know, you calling my cell is going to be one expensive therapy session," Josh replied.
"Be more expensive if you keep being evasive," Stanley smiled. "How did you feel."
Josh thought about that. When Toby and Leo had told him about the shooting, that someone had fired bullets into the press room, he'd stared in disbelief for a second, before the panic hit him and his head was full of sirens. He'd instinctively pulled the files he was holding close to his chest, which he knew was a defensive move. He'd assured Leo that he was fine though, and had returned to the interview, but he wasn't fine. He could hear sirens and screams. When Joe asked him about it, he'd half heartedly joked about hearing a brass quintet, but really it was sirens, deep in his subconscious, that he could hear. It hadn't lasted long, a minute or two, but it had scared him. He had thought he'd learnt how to control the symptoms of PTSD and it was a shock to have it return so suddenly.
"How did you feel?" Stanley repeated.
"I was shocked," Josh tried, though he knew he couldn't, in fact he shouldn't, lie to Stanley. "I felt panic. It just hit me."
"What did you do?"
"Nothing. I don't think anyone noticed."
"Does that matter?" Stanley asked.
"Yes," Josh replied angrily, "of course it matters."
Stanley made a note to talk to Josh's therapist about that, and then returned to his original question. "What did you do to control it?"
"I did what I'd been told to do. I'm fine now, it didn't last long."
"But you're angrily with yourself that it happened at all," Stanley told him.
"Yes. Yes I am." Josh could feel the anger rising again and calmed himself. "I know it'll always be there, I thought I had it under control."
"You do," Stanley assured him. "You'd just heard that your friends had been shot at, that would make anyone panic."
"I didn't just panic, I had an episode."
"Yes," Stanley agreed. "But you controlled it. You used the techniques you'd been taught and it passed. It sounds like you have it under control to me."
"I guess."
"But?" Stanley prompted, though he knew what the answer would be.
"What if it's triggered it again?" Josh asked quietly.
Stanley thought that was a possibility. "You can control it. You controlled it tonight and if you need to, you can control it again."
"Yeah."
"Try and sound a little more convinced, Josh," Stanley smiled. "Make an appointment with Dr Taylor. You'll be fine, you know why?"
"We get better," Josh smiled.
"Yes we do. Call me if you need anything."
"Night, Stanley." Josh hung up the phone and stared out of the window into the darkness for a few minutes, wondering how many other 'crazy' people were out there. Then he put some files in his backpack, because he was fairly certain he wasn't going to sleep tonight, turned off his desk lamp and left the office.