Tile: chaunt du cygne
Author: illusory
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is the property of J. K. Rowling and I'm just playing for my own amusement. I don't own anything except the little original things in this story and well the story it's self.
Rating: R (I think not sure where the line is crossed)
Warning: This is pre-slash, but will not even show a hint of it (sorry). There will be violence, gore, angst galore, contemplative and attempted suicide, language, and death.
Notes: Took forever to write! I can't promise that later chapter will come out any sooner, but I'm still working on the thing and I'm not giving up! A big horribly wonderful project has taken up lots of time as well as the research done for the story so writing happens whenever I get the chance and normally proofread by me during free time in class. (Like after tests and when I can't stand listening to teachers lecture.) At this point I still need to go back and proofread the last ten pages big time and the rest needs to be proofread again so there will be mistakes, sorry but I wanted to submit it as soon as possible, anyway onward.
A.N. Notes for Edited Version: There have been Spelling and grammar errors that are corrected, and sentences that are rearranged, added, or deleted. I have also fixed the mistake that elsa3beth pointed out in her review, which I'm really thankful for.
Skeleton In the Closet
"Follow me boy." Uncle Vernon says as he turns around and heads toward the parking lot. I lag along behind till I remember that its best to not keep him waiting and pick up the pace. My belongings were quickly locked in the trunk of what must be a new company car and I scramble into the back seat clutching Hedwig's cage close, afraid of the looks he keeps casting in her direction.
The ride back to the Dursley's is leaden with silence for even Hedwig knows better then to make noise around the Dursleys. As we park I move swiftly to gather my things and follow my uncle through the door. The cupboard is already open and I take my trunk putting it away, barely grabbing Hedwig's cage in time as I'm shoved out of the way and the cupboard is locked. Uncle Vernon turns around and stalks over to where I stand with a vicious smirk on his twisted lips. Curling around Hedwig's cage I stand on trembling legs awaiting the first of many beating, but instead my hair is roughly grabbed and I'm yank toward the stairs.
"You will stay in your room for the next week. I don't want any noise from you or your god-dammed owl. Is that understood, freak?" Uncle Vernon rants at me as I'm dragged up the stairs and down the hall.
"Yes, sir." The respond just loud enough to be heard but quiet enough to not agitate him.
We're at the door.
"I don't like that tone you take with me! You'll learn to respect me yet boy!" Yanking open the door my uncle shakes me harshly by my hair before tossing me in the room. The momentum throws me off balance and I fall onto the floor curled up tightly around the owl cage. A desire to get away from my cruel uncle wars with the rebellious urge to show no fear, leaving me an immobile ball on the ground.
"You'll be let out only to use the loo so you don't dirty the room more then necessary you useless piece of filth!' The door slams shut, and the locks slid into place with a series of clicks as I'm surrounded in darkness.
The only light in the room comes from the seams of the door and my boarded up window. It looks like they don't trust me not to send Hedwig out over the summer, but now how will I take care of her if she can't even be allowed to fly around for a bit. I uncurl from around the cage and put it on the desk that stands beside the bed against the wall. Hedwig hops out as soon as I opened it and lands softly onto my shoulder; nipping my ear in consolation. I stand there for a time petting Hedwig absently as I think of how I'm going to manage to get Hedwig outside.
Snapping out of my daze I walk softly over to the window and trace the edge of the boards and the nails slightly sticking out. The light coming through has changed to a bright orange-red that seems to make the boards glow, for not much light can get through the boards that are nearly nailed one on top the other. Soon the sun will finish setting this knowledge causes me to rush and find something in the room that can be used to ply the boards from the wall. Finding nothing I sit down on the bed as the last of the now dark red light fades away.
"I'll see if I can swipe I butter knife from the kitchen later when the Dursleys have me cook." I tell Hedwig as my fingers unconsciously pet her soft silky feathers as she settles herself on my lap knowing. Receiving a soft hoot in response I idly wonder if Hedwig can see in the darkness that has engulfed the room with the setting sun as the hall light has long been turned off.
I fall into a meditative daze and let the last year at Hogwarts play through my mind. Excitement, curiosity, dread, rejection, dread, worry, joy, happiness, dread rejection, jealousy, dejection, dread, joy, dread, fear, terror, numb, fright. The year plays like a movie with emotions and mute pictures flashing in clips and standstills to the train ride back. I push the thoughts violently aside and curl my self around my owl, my friend, without trying to box her in. She faintly nips at my nose and I give her an empty smile she can't see. We stay like that for a long while till the darkness of the room fades into the obscurity of unconsciousness.
*****
Left standing in darkness shivering in the cold burrowing into my flannel pajamas leaving my bare extremities to the bitter chill of night. A blanket of thick fog starts to surround me and the absolute darkness fades into a scene. Looking around the faint silhouettes of gravestones can just be made out against the grayish backdrop of fog. 'Not again.' I can't help but think as Voldemort's hissed command from within the concealing fog reaches out.
"Kill the spare."
"Please don't." A plead to the unseen dream figures. As always they heed not my desperate pleas and the nightmare continues.
The killing curse uttered from the rat's mouth.
For a moment there is absolute silence and then from the fog drops Cedric's body at my feet; a dull thud slicing through the night air heavy with silence. I've long since stopped screaming when this happens yet can't quite help but flinch when his head lolls and brush against my feet.
How frightening the dead can be though there is nothing that they can do to the living. Slowly I kneel down, ignoring for now the trouble my dream self is getting into. Gently, as though I might disturb him from his slumber, I brush the bangs away from his terror-glazed eyes.
A scream shatters my focus waking me from my contemplative state.
Voldemort must have me under the Cruciatus curse. I shiver at the memory of the mind numbing pain that had racked through my body. Oh, yes I can see how some one would lose their sanity under such torment.
Turning my head away from the sounds I gaze back down at Cedric and brush away his bangs again.
"I'm sorry I convinced you to take the trophy with me. It's my fault your dead now and I'm so sorry Cedric… I… I didn't mean to drag you into this mess." I chock on the end of the sentence and can't stop the tears that fall down my face, contorted in guilt. "You would've had that perfect kind of life. You were so sure of yourself and your place in things… probably would have had a white picket fence type of house with a lovely wife and two point five kids." My laughter stops me from saying more and I can't help but notice the hysteric edge to it. "You'd 'ave married Cho most likely." I rub the tears off my face with my pajama sleeve and sniffle pathetically.
My want of being with Cho had dead along with Cedric and I felt none of the bitterness that had once been there with the thought of them being together. "You would have a perfectly normal happy life as a wizard and because of me you'll never of that chance, Merlin Cedric, I'm so sorry."
My tirade stops short as a disheveled and panicky me latches on to Cedric, grabbing his wrist and summoning the cursed Triwizard Tournament trophy. The dream figure glances up and our eyes lock for a moment his flashing a frightened bright crimson red freezing me in terror as the Portkey tugs at my navel and everything goes black.
*****
The week passed in a blur of restless waking hours and the moments of torturous sleep when I'd been too exhausted to fight the Sand Man any longer. Magically preserved owl treats and dried meats were brought out from where they had been hidden under the loose floorboards to feed Hedwig as well as water secretly taken from the bathroom. Knowing that I would face a great deal of starving throughout the summer a good number of treats and pastries from the train trolley had been purchased, mainly pastries though for they took up less room and were more filling.
When the week finally came to an end Aunt Petunia came to the door in the morning as she always did, unlocking it while pounding on it to wake me up.
"Get up you lazy sob! You're to make breakfast so hurry it up." With the last screeched words yelled I slump out of the bed, which I had been laying in for who knows how long trying not to sleep. I quickly make my way to the door and opened it squinting against the harsh hall light waiting for my eyes to adjust a little before heading to the loo to wash up a bit. From there I trudge my way down the stairs that blur slightly as I sway, grabbing the banister for balance. Some how I manage to make it the rest of the way down the stairs and hurry to the kitchen before the Dursleys get any more impatient with me.
Quickly the normal breakfast is prepared; runny eggs, fried potato slices, and ham, cheese sprinkled liberally over all of it. My stomach turns as I sit there and watch them eat as I've been taught to do. Waiting for when they might want more food or drink. Having to wait for them to finish and the dishes to be done before being allowed to eat. They're a sickening lot and the site of them sitting there stuffing their faces, with no manners what so ever, like the food might suddenly disappear is almost enough to make me lose what little is in my stomach at the moment.
Finally they finish and I'm left alone for a few brief moments as the mess that they've made of the table is cleaned and the sticky and dirty dishes washed. Checking quickly to see where the Dursleys are, the living room at the moment watching the television, I dry off a now clean sturdy butter knife and tuck it into one of the many pockets on a pair of over sized hand-me-down cargo pants. Looking around again a soft sigh of relief escapes with the knowledge I wasn't seen and I continue to wash the rest of the dishes and put them away.
**********
'Bugger!' I'm thrown back into my room and land in a heap on the dusty floor. The door slams shut behind me and the locks click into place. I pull myself into a sitting position and rub my aching jaw and clutch lightly at my left side.
It turns out I wasn't supposed to get any food yet and when my uncle found me eating the two slices of bread normally rationed to me for breakfast he hadn't been happy. I'd of course gotten a quick beating before he throw me back in my room and went to work. Luckily unknown to my uncle I'd swiped a few pieces of ham earlier and as Hedwig came over from what sounded like her cage to check on me I gave her the pieces. She quickly eats them and nips my fingers affectionately.
"Sorry I couldn't get you more Hedwig, but I did manage to get something that might help me get the boards off the window. It'll have to wait until the Dursleys are asleep mind you, but I think it'll work." I get up from my position on the floor and lower myself carefully onto the bed hoping that a little rest will help the minor injuries I'd sustained from my first beating this summer. Actually I'm rather surprised that Uncle Vernon hadn't done anything worse, but I could hardly complain.
Now that I had my first plan under way and merely needed to wait for the right time I began to think of what else I'll need to do to get by this summer. No doubt I'll have to find a way to get the books needed for my schoolwork from my trunk and that shouldn't be any harder then it had been in pervious years. So far I'd had good luck as far as that was concerned and had been able to get and return my books and homework from my supposedly inaccessible trunk. The homework would be harder to do this year though seeing as I no longer have a light and the flashlight I've stored away will likely run out of power soon.
Some time during my meditative thinking the world fuzzed out and everything went blank.
**********
"BOY!!!" I snap awake lurching out of bed as fast as my body will let me.
"Y-yes Uncle Vernon." I squeak, as the door slams open with an almighty bang. 'Merlin, what did I do to get him this upset!'
"One of those ruddy owls came and delivered a letter from that freak school to your aunt and I and do you know what it said." Uncle Vernon says this in an eerie and calm voice, sending a shiver through me as I look up into his cold beady eyes.
"No si-sir." I stutter trembling under that cold malicious glare he's giving me.
"It's about some freaky tournament you were in. Saw some one die did you? I bet you're the one that killed that person. I always knew you were a no good sort, a freak through and through. Worthless sort just like your parents were, you are. Maybe they won't punish you for what you've done, but I'll not let a murderer have free run of my house. You'll be lock in this room for the rest of the summer and you'll be dropped off at the train station to go to that school of yours. Don't worry though I'll make sure you get punished well and hard for what you've done freak. I'm sure it would've only been a matter of time until you tried to kill us too, wouldn't it?!" Uncle Vernon roared the last bit shaking the aforementioned letter in his hand banishing it at me.
"N-no si-sir I – I wouldn't 'ave!" My voice crakes and I see Cedric's face again, those cold empty eyes staring at me accusingly. "I – I didn't kill Cedric!" Tears start leaking down my face and I just can't stop them! 'I can't cry in front of Uncle Vernon! He'll see it for the weakness it is and that'll only make him happy! The fact that I'm weak!' I sniffle once in futile hope of stopping the assault of tears.
"You little liar!" He hisses at me so much like Voldemort and his jeering hissing taunts. Uncle Vernon doesn't wait a moment longer and knocks me in the face with a fist, connecting with the swelling bruise that had formed from the punch he'd given me earlier that day. He kicks my leg effectively bringing me down to the ground. "I'll put you in your place boy. You'll see."
I curl into a ball as the blows continue and peak through the gaps between my arms to stare at Hedwig, who like I've taught her has gone to quietly perch on the floor between the desk and bed. Hidden safely away in the shadows. Sad luminescent golden eyes peer at me as I lay on the ground taking my uncle's punishment as silently as I can. I smile at her in what I'm sure is more of a grimace as I think of how much my owl has been there for me. 'Yes better to think on Hedwig then on the pain.' And I do just that until I can think no longer.
*****
Someone I can't remember; porcelain fair skin, a halo of fiery red hair almost crimson in color, flash of bright sparkling emerald eyes, and a wide smile with a mischievous tint. Whispered words spoken in a voice clear and pure like a bubbling spring after the winter snow thaws.
"… I'll show you something…" I can't make out the part before or after, but that's okay because the voice continues anyway and sooths the despair that eats at me.
*****
Slowly I come to and wish I hadn't. For the first time in what seems like forever a nightmare had not woken me. The brief glimpse of what I'm positive was my mother and the warm feeling that's slowly draining away from the peaceful dream is savored. That is till I shift and am greeted with a hot wave of pain from head to toe. A slight moan slips from my lips as I lay there on the ground the dream now gone from my mind with the onslaught of pains and aches. The floor is not a good place to sleep when one is injured.
A soft hoot scatters my thoughts and I feel a soft nip of beck on my nose and give my friend a lop-sided smile.
"It's alright Hedwig. This is just the beginning so save your worries for when it really gets bad." A chuckle follows and I have to shake my head a little to dispense of the maddening urge to start laughing and never stop.
Shifting around a little more I check and categorize my injures. Seems like a sprained ankle, 'hmm… what feels like the right foot. It'll be harder to get around now.' multiple bruises… all over, two shallow lacerations along my right arm, a bit of internal bruising in the vicinity of the abdomen and surprisingly that was it. The worst would probably be the lacerations because there is a very real chance that they'll get infected. I'll have to remember to clean them as Uncle Vernon lets me go to the loo. They'll leave scars of course, but robes do a bloody brilliant job of hiding those kinds of things.
I get up and head over towards my pile of cloths. Rummaging through them I find an especially tatty, but fairly clean jumper, which is ripped it into shreds and bandage the gashes as tight as possible. I pause for a moment to take in the sounds of the house. Snoring. The Dursleys are asleep then. I make my way to the window and pull out the butter knife that I was stashed in my pants earlier. Feeling along the edge of the boards I start at one of the last ones and stick the knife in-between the board and the wall and slowly start to pull the board with nails away from where it's nailed into the wall.
The work is slow as I tug and pull for what seems like hours with my arms and shoulders begging for a break from the exertion. One board, then two and finally three have been removed and I open the window to let the fresh night air enter the stifling room. Hedwig hops up onto the ledge and I give her a broad smile before turning to the moon huge high in the sky.
"Go ahead and fly around for a bit Hedwig. The boards will have to be closed before the sun rises, if you stay out to long you'll be locked out for the day. I'm going to go ahead and do this every night that I can so if you if you go to Ron's or Hermione's you'll know when you can get back in." I whisper to her and get a hoot in responses before she hops up onto my shoulder to give a nip to my ear and then out the window she goes into the night.
I squash the swell of loneliness that blossoms in me at Hedwig's departure and trudge over to the bed setting myself carefully setting myself upon it. Who could have possibly sent that letter to the Dursleys? Why would some one even do that? I mean it's not as though they've ever showed that they care. I certainly never get letters from 'home' like others do. Wouldn't it be obvious to any one who cares enough to send a letter informing my 'guardians' anything about me? What'll I do about getting my school supplies this year? Uncle Vernon doesn't really seem as though he's willing to take me to pick my things up. Letting out a sigh I curl up under my sheet and wait for Hedwig to come back.
*****
Days blend seamlessly into nights and nights into days, a routine quickly developed within the endless hours. Hedwig comes right before dawn leaving me a few hours to sleep till I'm woken for a bathroom break, food and a warning laced threat to behave. Afterwards I'm locked in my room and left to do nothing. As luck would have it I managed to get my books a few days after first getting the boards off the window, for I've long ago learned to pick locks and so it was little trouble seeing as the Dursleys rarely locked all the locks on my door after the first week and a half. During the morning one of the boards gets halfway removed and my time it spent sitting beneath the window reading until Uncle Vernon gets back from work. My stuff is put away then I wait until dinner is finished down stairs, my uncle comes up to let me go to the loo again and then gives me my daily beating leaving some food and water when he goes. At night after the Dursleys are fast asleep I open the three same boards and let Hedwig out and work on my summer assignments. Sleep comes whenever I'm too tired to stay awake any longer; usually a nightmare awakes me some hours later.
Strangely though the dream that I have of my mother comes only when I black out during the beatings. I wake to find my uncle already gone and with less sever injures then what I should have. They don't make any sense, but they're comforting just the same and I'm thankful for the small respite they offer.
My mother's whispered words have been the only comfort beside Hedwig I've had. The dreams of Cedric have become fewer, but something worse has taken the place of those. Torture scenes, visions of Voldemort and the Death Eater's assignments. The prisoners are locked beneath some Death Eater's manor, a cold dark dungeon holding nameless victims. The families he attacks and the people he kills and the curses he casts. My every sleeping hour spent watching blood spill from those wretched people pleading for mercy and feeling the curses as though they've been cast upon me. I only screamed the first few times the visions came, for my screaming brought my uncle and his rage. My mind and body thankfully knowing that I mustn't make such loud sounds least I be forced to suffer more. I remember snippets of plans and random and have taken to writing everything besides the tortures, which I never forget, down on parchment so that maybe just maybe the information can be used against the Dark Lord.
Violently pushing aside anymore thoughts about Voldemort and his sick and twisted escapades.
In just a few minutes I'll turn a year older, fifteen. I chuckle mirthlessly, has it really only been four years since Hagrid came and told me that I'm a wizard? Am I really only that old when I feel so ancient?
Hooting at the window grabs my attention as four owls glide through. Well three glided and one zoomed about in random zigzags and a flurry of hoots. Pigwedgon. Can't help but smile at his antics even though the Dursleys will bring their wrath down upon me for the owl's transgression. Unfortunately there's no way that he can be caught at the moment seeing as I have a hard enough time moving at a moderate pace much less quick enough to catch the hyper active owl. A barn owl I haven't seen before drops a parcel in front of me just as a school owl, with the school crest on it's chest, drops a letter before both take off shooting annoyed hoots in Pig's direction. Hedwig also drops a parcel next to me giving a quick nip on the ear before taking flight and zeroing in on the ball of feathers more commonly known as an owl. Diving in quickly Hedwig snatches Pig from the air in her talons and depositing him in my lap. Giving him a quarter of an owl treat I remove the parcel tied to his leg before releasing him to zoom out the window.
Only a minute to go and I wonder what's the importance of this ritual that I've long ago established of staying awake till midnight, the eve of the day I was born. Hedwig settles herself in front of me, watching me with an almost exceptive gleam in her golden eyes. 'What are you anticipating, Hedwig? It's only another birthday like so many others.'
Midnight.
Any further thoughts are cut off violently as an unbearable pain spreads from my shoulder blades down and up my spine and through my whole body. I collapse on the bed my back arching up as my mouth opens in a silent scream. I can't breath. My lungs are on fire and my minds screaming, but I can't scream because I can't breath. Black spots appear in my vision and I'm starting to feel faint. Hedwig… and Hedwig is still perched in front of me looking as though she knows, but what she won't tell. The pain spikes and my body convulses everything goes dark and a comforting emptiness shallows me and I know no more.
*****
Laughing. Bright light and soft laughter, ringing through the air like the chiming of small silver bells. Red hair and sparkling emerald eyes twinkling down at me, mother.
"Some day Harry. Some day you'll know. I'll show you something no one could show me. It'll be a secret and just us two will know. We'll not tell another soul for they couldn't understand and they shouldn't know, but don't worry because I'll be there to show you. I'll be there to hold you."
Mother says in a singsong voice. She smiles down on me and taps my nose laughing merrily. I try and reach for her, touch her, but she only laughs more and hugs me close.
"Everything will be fine, you'll see Harry. My dear beautiful son."
*****
Light. I clench my eyes closed. The light woke me when I'd rather have slept forever. Oh and I'm sore all over! Wait… boards are nailed over the window. There shouldn't be any light in the room. As quick as possible I make my way to the window even as my body protests and fiery pain shoots through me. The boards get shoved back into place quickly and quietly. Leaving me free to collapse back on the bed in agony. Rest doesn't come though and I know that Uncle Vernon will be here soon. My presents get stashed away under the loose floorboard and Hedwig goes silently to her corner to wait out my uncle's wrath.
The unnaturally loud sound of the locks coming undone echoes through the room and I wait silently for a few moments before getting off the bed and heading to the bathroom. Closing the door behind me I lean against the wall in exhaustion and try desperately to ignore the pain that resonates through my body in dim shadows of the all-encompassing pain that scourged through me earlier. Going through my morning routines I think back on what may have caused the incident at midnight. The pain was nothing like what Voldemort normally sent through our connection and the lightening bolt scar doesn't ache and burn like it usually does after an intense night of Voldemort's torture. So Voldemort couldn't have caused it… well at least it didn't seem likely but there is no sure way of knowing.
A sigh escapes me and I look up from the sink and into my reflection. So thin… my face is so thin and there are dark shadows under my eyes and my whole face looks bruised. A busted lip, dried blood from yesterdays beating, dull green eyes so much alike and yet so different from my mother's. Mother. What do those dreams I keep having mean? Last night's was the clearest by far from all of them and of the first time I could tell what she was saying. What secret is there that she wished to tell me and keep from everyone else? Focusing on my reflection again I move from the distressing sight of my face and onto my untamable hair that some how has grown over the summer. Long jagged wisps of hair fall about an inch above my shoulders and my longer bangs easily cover the cursed scar and hide all but the tips of my ears. Stopping myself from looking anywhere else, afraid for seeing the true extent of damage, I continue to wash my hands, arms and face carefully cleaning the wounds that I can.
There's banging on the door causing me to pause a moment and I end the washing that I was currently giving myself. Drying quickly I open the door and follow my glaring uncle back to the dark hellhole of a room that I have the misfortune of calling my own. My arm is roughly grabbed and I'm turned around to face Uncle Vernon.
"Don't forget your place here freak. Never forget your place. You're unworthy of everything that my family has done for you. Nothing but a murderer, I should have gotten rid of you the day we found you at our doorstep. I was going to drown you in a river or toss you down an alley for the rats to eat; it's a pity I never got to. Don't you ever forget that it's the mercy of your aunt that kept you from dieing then. As long as you're here you're life is in my hands and if I ever think that you are too much of a threat… I'll punish you even if the rest of your freak people won't."
Uncle Vernon tightens his hold on my arm before twisting me around and pushing me inside. Like always I wind up tripping and landing on the floor. Sadly though it seems I haven't landed far enough into the room because the door, which my uncle always slams shut crashes into me.
"Hurry up! Get inside so I can close the door!"
Not that he'll give me enough time to move out of the way before bringing the door crashing back into me. Quickly as possible, when I fall each time I'm hit, I crawl further into the room. Finally the door slams shut and the door is locked as Uncle Vernon laughs on the other side. Forgoing the bed I stretch out as best I can and let my exhaustion catch up with me.
*****
Between the pains from the episode on my birthday to the beatings my uncle has given me I'd been unable to do little more then make sure Hedwig got to go out every night, but luckily after the third day the pain from my birthday completely vanished. Surprisingly taking with it the pain and physical evidence of the beatings. Deciding not to think too much about my good luck I thanked whatever god may be that I only have to deal with my exhaustion from lack of sleep and food now. After that I'd managed to stay awake long enough to open my presents and the yearly school letter.
From Hermione and Ron I got quite a bit or chocolates from Honeydukes and vague letters that told me nothing and not one comment on weather or not the Dursleys had been decent to me. The letter in fact was very impersonal and briefly I wondered if they had any reason to be upset at me. Well I hadn't written them… and I had been rather distant on the train ride back, but surely they weren't expecting me to be cheery or anything. As far as writing went, well I had nothing to write to them about so why should I? What was I going to tell them how the Dursleys were treating me? Not likely.
Sirius and Professor Lupin gave me a book on rare magical creature called Splendid Isolation by Sir Bouclé Goschen, it looks to be a really interesting book and I can only imagine that Professor Lupin would make sure that it's informative and fairly accurate. In a separate package Sirius gave me the book on animagis that he and my dad used to become animagis… well Wormtail too but he just doesn't count. I can't wait to look through the book, which is filled with notes. The letters they send me were the polar opposite of Hermione and Ron's. They both seemed very worried though Sirius made jokes through the whole thing and Professor Lupin kept telling me not to do anything foolish. They didn't mention where they are or what's been going on, but for some reason it didn't bother me like it did when Ron and Hermione had been obtuse with me.
The letter from Hogwarts wasn't much different then those of previous years. There are two new books that need to be purchased, The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 5, by Miranda Goshawk and Defensive Theory, by Wilbert Slinkhard. A letter from Dumbledore was also in the envelope saying that I won't be able to go to the Weasley's during the summer this year, far too dangerous after all. Oddly I felt relieved that I wouldn't have to go to the Weasley's this summer. It would be far too loud with too many people… too many happy people. The thought of having people ask me if I'm all right would get tiring after awhile. Add that to the act I'd have to put on in front of everyone and probably never get any time alone to just be. I love the Weasleys, but just the thought of having to do that makes my stomach not and my throat constrict making it hard to breath. I feel bad about being so relieved.
Hedwig's parcel turned out to be from the Weasley twins and it was filled with lots of pranks and a letter telling of the different effects of each and possible future pranks. Unlike their younger brother the twins decided to tell me more about the present situation. They'd moved to a safe location that for the moment had to stay undisclosed and Hermione had joined them about a week prior. There were also hints of bad news from the wizarding world. Something about me going dark and that they thought it was utter rubbish. The whole thing made me smile and I decided that I would miss the twins company this summer.
It's been about a week since my birthday and yesterday my aunt and uncle sprang a surprise on me. Turns out that my uncle was invited to a company seminar and his family was invited to come as well. The hotel that it is to be held at is out of town and the Dursleys decided that they'd leave me here lock in my room with a bit of extra food and a bucket with of course all doors locked. The day after they left I unlocked the door using the penknife Sirius had given me last Christmas and got ready to go to Diagon Alley to get my school supplies. Taking plenty of time to indulge in a hot shower and bandage my new wounds up. Unlocking the cupboard I grabbed a cloak, since the only robes I have are the school ones, my black pointed hat and my pouch of money. Changing into my best pair of Dudley hand me downs I grabbed the school letter, my wand, and put on my cloak. Hedwig seeing that I was leaving hopped onto my shoulder as I left the room.
Leaving the house a little past seven in the morning I made my way over to an alley sticking my wand into the air to summon the Knight Bus. Moments later the offensive purple bus popped into view and came to a stop in front of me as I put on my hat. Stan wasn't the one who came out this time but instead a different slightly older man started to make the introductions, but since there wasn't really a need to hear them I cut him off by handing him the eleven Sickles for the ride.
"Diagon Alley, please" I said walked past him making my way inside.
"Right sir. Well then you can take the set over here." The brunette hair man said as he led me to a seat in the back of the bottom floor on the bus. "The name is Evan Haworth and our driver is Ernie Prang. If you need anything just call, there are only two other people on the bus this morning so you'll not have a long wait." I nodded once in understanding and Evan went back up to the front of the bus as it started up with a bang.
The other two passengers were dropped off at their stops and one more was picked up. At last the bus finally came to a stop in front of the Leaky Cauldron and I checked to make sure that I hadn't set anything down before exiting the bus with a quick thank you and bye to Ernie and Evan. Hedwig hooted her thanks as I stepped off and the bus disappeared with another loud bang. She hadn't like the ride here at all and had nipped me fiercely every time the bus did something, which she found offensive. This of course left my ear very red and smarting horribly, for Hedwig found everything about the Knight Bus offensive, especially when I first laughed at her reactions.
I passed through the Leaky Cauldron quickly heading into the alley where the bricks were tapped in the required order and the wall folded away to reveal Diagon Alley. Unlike the previous times I'd been to Diagon Alley there weren't near as many people and this made walking to Gringotts much easier. Flattening down my bangs to make sure they covered my scar I walked up the steps before stopping abruptly before the door.
"Best if you wait for me out here Hedwig. If you didn't like the Knight Bus then you'll simply hate the rail carts that have to be ridden to get to the vaults." A hoot and soft nip to my abused ear was my response as Hedwig took to the sky. Smiling up at her I turned and made my way into the bank.
Stopping in front of a goblin I wait until he acknowledges my presences.
"How may I help you mister…?"
"Harry Potter and I'd like to withdrawal money out of my vault." My vault key is taken from me as it's handed to the goblin to inspect first.
"Right then Mr. Potter, Gradlaw shall escort you to your vault." The goblin at the counter hands the key to another goblin behind him who came out with a lantern.
"Come along Mr. Potter." Gradlaw says as he escorts me to the entrance of the underground tunnels.
The cart takes us to my vault where Gradlaw unlocks it and I remove the desired amount of Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts. Thanking Gradlaw as he hands me back my key once we exist the tunnels, I make may way from Gringotts slightly flushed from the cart ride.
I start towards Madam Malkin's Robes for all occasions as Hedwig lands onto my shoulder. Entering the shop from the slightly more crowded street I wait as Madam Malkin finishes with her only other customer. After he purchase his items and leaves she spots me and heads over.
"Well hello Harry dear. It's good to see you back. What'll you need today? New uniforms perhaps?"
"Yes the current ones I have are too short now, and I think I also need a new cloak the standard Hogwarts one."
"Alright, why don't you tell your owl to wait for you on that perch over there and I'll size you up." With a swish of her robes Madam Malkin heads over to get the things she needs for fittings and with out having to be told Hedwig goes to the owl perch earning a smile from both Madam Malkin and myself. "A lovely owl you have there Harry, now stand here, there you go and don't move too much please, what's your owl's name dear?"
"Her name is Hedwig, Madam. I've had her since I started Hogwarts and she is a very lovely owl indeed."
"She is rather beautiful, lift your arm dear and which shade of blue would you prefer, a snowy owl is she not?"
"Yes, she is a snowy owl."
"Well there you go all done! If you come back in a few hours your purchases will be ready, and do you think" Madam Malkin said quietly as she ran her fingers through my longer hair. "Do you think you might like a few ribbons to hold your hair back dear? I can only guess it'd get in the way while playing Quidditch, working on potions and doing other class work. Though it is absolutely stunning and so soft! I could pick out a few different ones if you like."
"I think that would be rather useful, thank you for your help Madam Malkin. I'll be back later to pick everything up then, how much will the order be?"
"Ah, yes come this way and I'll total everything up."
After paying for everything Hedwig and I leave the robe shop and head over to Flourish and Blotts. The two new schoolbooks I need are easily found and I decide to pick up a few more books. Since there has been little to do this summer reading through the schoolbooks that I retrieved from my trunk has been my only pass time that didn't involve nightmares, visions, beatings and other nasty things that are unpleasant to think about. It's no surprise that Hermione loves books so much they're a brilliant way to just get away from everything. Though I wonder if that's the reason Hermione likes to read or is it just because she wants to know as much as she can, probably not the first.
Looking through the books on defensive against the dark arts, two books stand out the most from the others. The first is Miscomprehension: Theory Behind the Dark Arts, by Raven Malden and Dark Curses and Their Counters, by Professor Arleen S. Sanders. A quick flip through both show that they really are as good as they sound. I'm about to make my way over to buy the books that I've chosen when a section catches my eye.
Potions. A shiver racks through my body as I remember the potion Voldemort made to bring himself back. How many other potions or poisons could Voldemort use and I'd never know? Potions are most likely my greatest weakness, but because I've allowed them to become that. Not studying all those times I could and should have. Barty Crouch Having used the Polyjuice potion before and not recognizing any of the signs that were so blatantly there. I knew even more then Snape and Dumbledore, still the pieces never fell into place because I didn't think. Never would have thought potions could cause so many problems. Snape was right when he was going on and on in first year. He can teach all of us to do so many things if we just listen. Squaring my shoulder mentally I change directions and head over to the potions section. Slowly going through all the books I look for those best to teach what I need to know. Identifying Potions and Their Effects, by David Orwell, Ingredient Properties, by Samara Virden, and Powerful and Potent Potions, by Paul Padre all join the stack and with a resigned sigh I go and pay for my books.
The clerk gives me a few odd and suspicious looks when he spots the borderline defense books, but doesn't say anything leaving me free to pay with out uncomfortable questions.
Next stop is the Apothecary were all the ingredients I'll need to refill my potion kit are purchased along with boomslang skin, which has caused too much trouble in the past and seems to be used in some of the more interesting potions. Quite a few phials of Dreamless Sleep is also added to the items and I can't help but be incredibly happy at the thought of a restful dreamless sleep. Sounds too good to be true!
On my way to pick up more supplies for Hedwig I stop to get extra parchment, quills, ink and other vital necessities for class. Then the Owl Emporium where I get a few mice, a lot more dried meats, and owl treats for Hedwig.
Stopping in front of a pet shop the temptation to buy a snake over powers me till I realize that taking a snake to the Dursleys wouldn't be the brightest thing to do, not to mention there would be another mouth to feed and the snake couldn't possibly want to stay locked away. It would be cruel. 'Maybe though… maybe when I get to Hogwarts I'll buy one during a trip to Hogsmead.' The thought of having someone to talk to when ever who wouldn't judge me like people do. Someone like Hedwig, but whom can talk back. Oh, yes the temptation is defiantly there, but I'll wait till later at Hogwarts.
With that I head off to find a place that sells food that can be stored. Finding a place I quickly make my selections and pay for everything before heading back to Madam Malkin's where I pick up my cloths and get coddled some more and shown the array of ribbon she picked out before leaving.
It's late midday and having had so little to eat for so long I can't resist the pull that the Leaky Cauldron has on me so I settle myself in a corner where I can see everyone and can't be seen well.
"Hello, and what would you like today? A drink or perhaps some food?" Tom the bartender asks as he tries to get a better look at me.
"Whatever stew you recommend and pumpkin juice, please." This sent Tom away before he managed to get a good look and left me to get out some treats for Hedwig, which she ate with relish as my food was brought and I tucked in. I finished quickly and paid afterward making my way out of the Leaky Cauldron and summoning the Knight Bus again.
The ride back was peaceful and nothing happened to me as I made my way back to the Dursleys. Switching books that I've already read for the ones that I haven't and putting away the purchase I made as well as all the homework that had been finished and stashed away under the loose floorboard. I locked the cupboard back up and went back to my room; locking it and making the inside look as though I hadn't been out. Sliding open the boards on the window I sat down and started reading the new books I bought. The Dursleys would be back till some time tomorrow, but there was no way I'd take the risk of being caught out side my room when I'd been locked away.
*****
The Dursleys came back when planned and thankfully the whole thing had gone well for them so that Uncle Vernon had nothing to blame me for. He even skipped the beating that night and in the ones following he no longer hit me in places that could be seen meaning school will be starting soon. Between more food, less severe beatings, and restful sleep, the Dreamless Sleep worked wonders when it came to nightmares even if it did nothing against visions. Never again will I insult potions for they are blessing and curses in disguise. Well that's saying a bit much, but I am grateful for the just the same. Though it is amazing what can be done with them and the complete control they have over certain things. It's little wonder the control freak Snape is so immersed in them.
Visions from Voldemort come more frequently now and I thank all the gods that aren't there that I don't have to see the acts repeated in my dreams. The night I saw the Diggorys die tore at me. Cedric's parents tortured under the Cruciatus curse trying in vain to fight back and being to out numbered to stand a chance. Being taunted about the death of their only child and put under other dark curses that brought fire through their veins and blood from their pores before being driven insane, the now merciful killing curse being cast upon them. The only reason that the Diggorys were given for the attack was that the Dark Lord doesn't like his work being taken credit for by others, which made no since because no one in their right mind would take credit for any of the horrible nasty things that he's done.
That I put aside till later to think about, besides the rest of my things are going to take awhile to sneak downstairs and into my cupboard. The trips are made slowly so as not to wake the still slumbering Dursleys and when finally everything is as it should be the cupboard gets locked again. Back up the stairs and into the room that I'll not have to see for ten more months… far too soon in my opinion. My wand gets stashed into the folds of the over sized hand me down and Hedwig gets back into her cage and we sit and wait, none to patiently for Uncle Vernon to release me from this prison. Time passes in an unreal slowness and finally the locks click open and I wait the few more moments before getting up and going to the loo where I'm allowed to take a shower before I leave. Never to long of one though and I'm out and bandaging the wounds as best I can for the moment. Getting dressed into the muggle cloths I brush my teeth and exist the loo. After fetching Hedwig I go down stairs and wait for my uncle to come down so I can get my trunk out. Instead though he comes from the kitchen followed by Dudley who watches me viciously as Uncle Vernon unlocks the cupboard and I scramble to get my weighed down truck. Uncle Vernon pushes past me through the hall knocking me down and as I'm about to get up something hits me in the back of the head and I spin to see Dudley smiling viciously almost leering at me.
"Something to remember me by Harry." He says as he starts to walk by. Suddenly stopping he turns back, and that is defiantly a leer! "Oh, and daddy says I get to play with you next summer. Doesn't that sound like fun? I think so!" With that Dudley waddles upstairs and I have the urge to start screaming and never stop.
Not wasting any more time, wanting to leave this hellhole far behind, I drag my trunk out to the car with Hedwig's cage on top. My stuff gets tugged and pushed into the car trunk slipping as I push with all my might to get it inside as my uncle laughs at me and throws taunts. Finally it does in and I grabbed Hedwig's cage and quickly get inside not wanting to look at the smug smile on my uncle's ugly face.
The car starts and my heart gives a leap for joy as we pull out of the driveway. 'I'm leaving!' I scream mentally as I hide my face afraid a big smile will break out and I'll be hit for it.
"Boy!"
My head snaps up and my face drain of color as my uncle's angry countenance scares me senseless.
"Don't make me repeat my self! Is that understood?" He glares at me through the rear window and I nodded my head frantically.
"Ye – yes sir." Stuttering, gods I'm so disgustingly compliant to my relatives.
"You'll do well to remember not to tell anyone of what happens over the summer. You deserved everything you got and more. You don't deserve to live and you only burden those around you. Should have died with those worthless parents of yours boy. Don't you dare forget your place. By now you should know what will happen to you if you do forget, don't you freak? Yes I know you do and I'm sure you don't want to be reminded do you. Never forget what a dirty little worthless piece of filth you are. No one would ever truly care for you if they knew. Hell no one would care for you even if they don't, because you're not worth people's time and effort. You're certainly not worth mine! Do you understand?"
"Yes sir!" My god I don't need a reminder of how dirty I am!!
"Good. Don't you forget boy, not a soul may know."
"Of course Uncle Vernon I won't tell anyone anything." 'So happy so glad I don't have to go back to your house! Leave me alone, gods please!' He smiles at me and I see that leer! The leer Dudley had on his face and I know that leer and I know what it means. 'Bastard!' I want to scream that in his face along with other millions of things that I'll never say and whimper instead making him smile even more. I huddle around Hedwig's cage and wish he'd just look away from me. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. My own little mantra I repeat to myself again and again as I wait to get away from this horrible muggle.
The car comes to a halt after what seems to be an eternity and I look up to see that some how I've made it back. In a few short hours the Hogwarts Express will leave Platform 9 ¾ and I'll be back at Hogwarts. 'Everything will be okay.' My heart speeds up again and I scramble out of the car and head toward the trunk, which was popped open from the inside. 'Lazy prick.' Then my trunk gets pulled, yanked, tugged and pulled some more till it come out of the car trunk. Making sure Hedwig is secure in her cage I find a near by cart and load both the trunk and her onto it and ignore Uncle Vernon's car speeding away. 'I hope he gets a ticket. Wait… no on second thought… no he'll blame it on me.' Sighing loudly I forget about my family for a moment and breath in the fresh outside air… well maybe not so fresh, but air from outside nonetheless. For now I'm free of them and maybe things aren't so bad after all. Making my way through the train station I just smile at all the odd looks people give me as I pass. 'Think I'm strange do you? You've no idea.' I can't help but be amused by such silly behavior and shake my head at their ignorance, not giving it a second thought once I see the barrier leading to that bright scarlet steam engine. 'I'm finally going home.'
**********
Comment and Criticism are welcomed and appreciated. Look at the four wonderful people that reviewed my story so far.
Tati1
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A thank all of you and those who haven't commented but just read the story instead. By the way all questions that might possibly be brought up will be answered at the bottom of the next chapter to be posted.
Author Notes: Yay! I finally decided on a title for the series and part I. I was hit with the title of the series after I'd found the one for part I and looking for the one for part II. It's called Equilibrium and this is part one chaunt du cygne. 50 point to whatever house for anyone who knows what it means. Chapter two will shortly be underway and as for the length I have no clue. Thank again for reading!