ANs: I've been thinking musically lately... "The Burden of Joy" is a line from a song I love called 'Touch You' by the Golden Palominos, from their 1994 album 'Pure'. The Golden Palominos were never a band, but rather a loosely organized parade of musicians and singers that varied from album to album. All of this beautiful chaos was orchestrated and produced by drummer Anton Fier. Remarkable dark poet Nicole Blackman contributed to the vocals on the 'Dead Inside' album, and one of my favorite singers, Lori Carson, appeared on 'Pure' and 'This is How it Feels'. I won't make you wade through the 'Touch You' lyrics, lest this be mistaken for song fic, but I do love the sound of the words. They are absolutely gorgeous and completely perfect for this pairing. Maybe I'll add it to my next B/L playlist... Anyway, unfortunately, the song's not on Napster, but if you're interested in reading the lyrics, they are cataloged at the lyrics central Well worth a visit! As to why I used the line for the name of this chapter, the meaning just seemed to fit. P's at the bottom. Hugs! sita:)

The Burden of Joy

Sunnydale, CA

October 19, 2001 11PM

She quivered as Logan leaned down and brushed his lips over the tender skin where her shoulder and the base of her throat met. Soft music played in the background. Buffy pulled him a little closer as they swayed, hooking her thumbs in the back belt loops of his jeans. "You're thinking about sex again," he laughed, mostly at himself and his reaction to her.

"No," she denied, unconsciously shifting her hands up, resting them on the lower back of his black tshirt.

"Yep. I can tell," he teased, nipping her shoulder playfully.

"Am not."

"What then?"

Buffy smiled to herself perversely and decided she would tell him. He had asked, after all. She shrugged and his hands moved higher on her black silk halter dress. "Well, not actual sex... You tickled me with your whiskers just now. I was wondering what they would feel like running over the backs of my legs. I was just getting to the part where you scraped my upper thigh, nibbling... biting..."

White hot pain and pleasure shot through his veins, seeping rivulets of lava into his muscles. He groaned and pushed his body against hers aggressively, "For Christ sakes' Buffy, have mercy."

The music drew to a close. Despite the press of the crowd, Logan was completely preoccupied with her. She smiled against his clavicle, whispering, "Never."

The music ended and Buffy led him from the dance floor toward the table where Xander, Anya, Willow, and Tara were chatting amicably. Logan really didn't want to be there. Willow and Tara were alright. They seemed to be genuinely in love with each other and harmless enough to Buffy. Xander's thinly veiled rudeness was annoying, but Logan was no stranger to hostility and at least Xander was honest about it. However, Anya was something else all together. He knew that his social skills were rough, but hers were ridiculously non-existent. Assuming she meant well and that she was just weird, he tried to ignore her incessant chatter about money, but her frequent use of the word 'orgasm' made his whole body ache.

"Remind me again why I agreed to do this?" he asked sullenly, holding her back.

Buffy smiled and slipped an arm around him, trying to lure him nearer to her waiting friends. "Bedroom avoidance? Come on, the Bronze is great!"

He lifted his eyebrows dubiously. Buffy moved in front of him, capturing his gaze and stealing his breath. No matter how hard he resisted, he knew that he could deny her nothing, unless it was detrimental to her health. He would protect her from herself, he acknowledged grimly, and that reminder of his usually pervasive independance afforded him a small measure of comfort.

Wrapping his left hand in both of hers, she dropped a kiss on his knuckles and sighed, "It's not that bad."

Logan kissed her forehead gently. "If I have to go back to that table, I'll need another beer. You want anything?"

She shook her head and he escorted her back to her friends; then made his way through the tables to the bar. Laying five bucks on the polished wood, he caught the attention of a tall dark man behind the bar.

"'Nother one?" the bartender slurred and Logan nodded once.

On the opposite side of the bar, Logan noticed Spike settling onto a bar stool. As soon as he saw Logan, he smirked and made his way over. Just as Spike reached his side, the bartended picked up the cash and set a bottle of Budweiser in front of Logan.

"Isn't there somewhere else you'd rather be? Torturing innocents or something... Oh, that's right, your leashed..." Logan irrupted derisively and then tipped his head back dismissively, taking a sip.

Spike shrugged, ignoring Logan's animosity. "Sunnydale's a one-Bronze town. Not much else to do on a Friday night." Continuing, he glanced behind Logan toward Buffy and her friends at the table, "So, you're after the Slayer's heart as well? You wouldn't be the first to try and fail."

"She's mine. That's all there is to it."

Smirking, Spike waved his hand toward the dance floor. "You might want to tell her that."

Instantly, Logan reached out for Buffy with his senses and the scent nearest to her enraged him. "What the hell..." he mumbled, as his eyes fixed on Buffy's body slowly dancing close to someone else. He didn't have to see the man to know who it was. Logan could smell the reek of death through the smoke-filled room.

"Angel," he whispered tersely and stepped forward.

Spike raised a hand to hold him back. "Piece of advice, for what it's worth, mate... our girl has no appreciation for rampant displays of jealousy. Now, my Dru would drop to the floor and wallow - rolling around in it, but that's another story... Best stay here until she's done. The poofta must have just heard she's back. Give her a minute..."

He glared angrily at Spike but remained still. Hating the way Buffy was raising her ear to Angel's mouth so that she could hear him over the din, Logan nearly broke the bottle clenched in his fist. Bitter disappointment and gall lashed at his back. Icy adamantium blades pierced his skin, as the tips spasmed in and out until he shoved the emotions back down his throat. Slamming the rest of his beer in one swallow and laying cash down for another, he tried unsuccessfully to block out Buffy's conversation from his sensitive hearing.

"Angel, what are you doing here?" she asked.

Drawing Buffy closer, Angel murmured, "I called to check on Dawnie. She said you were back. When I asked to talk to you, she said you were here. With him. On a date. Is that true?"

Buffy leaned forward, "It's true. Did you drive all the way down here because I'm back, or because I'm on a date?"

Ignoring the question, Angel demanded, "Do you love him?"

She pulled back a little, reviled, as Angel confirmed her suspicions. "You left. What did you expect?"

"Answer the question, Buffy," he said accusingly, as he reached up and gripped her arm.

Logan was at her side and shoving Angel's offending hand back before she could answer. "The lady's with me, bub," he snarled.

Xander stood, but before he could move around the chairs, Anya and Willow both shouted, "Xander, no!"

Angel smirked and stepped between Logan and Buffy, "Is she? Doesn't look that way."

Suddenly, Logan took a swing and connected with Angel's jaw in a swift upper cut. Angel reeled up to his toes and stepped back, but remained on his feet. Buffy had had enough. Pushing Angel aside, she seized Logan's arm and jerked him toward the exit.

Once they had reached a discreet distance from the door, she wheeled around. "What the hell was that?"

"He's not to put his hands on you. Not ever," Logan shot back.

"Get over it, Logan. I was handling things just fine until you decided to step in."

Logan was livid. "The hell you were!"

Buffy shoved past him and walked away, her high-heeled boots saucily ringing against the pavement. In vain, she tried to cool the rising tide of fury inside her. Who the hell did he think he was?

Logan pursued her, but she kept walking. As he tried repeatedly to stop her, she dodged him and walked faster. "Back off, Logan!" she threatened. "I am so not in the mood for this."

Logan was furious. So resentful, he couldn't see straight. "Oh, so I was supposed to just sit there and let him manhandle you?"

"I had it under control. I didn't need help from you or anyone else in there!"

"Like you had it under control the night he nearly drained you? He sent you to the hospital, damn it!" As soon as the words were out, Logan gasped, shocked at what he'd just said.

Buffy stopped cold and reached out a hand to stop him, the back of her hand smacking against his chest. "What?"

"Nothing," he mumbled.

"Who told you?" she demanded, shoving him backwards, raging, "Who did you ask about the bite?"

"Giles, but..."

"But nothing," Buffy interrupted. "I cannot believe you would go behind my back, after I specifically asked you to leave it alone. And Giles... well, I'll deal with Giles later..."

"Buffy, it wasn't his fault..."

Buffy was absolutely disgusted. "Don't defend him. You're in deep enough - I am sick to death of other people deciding things for me. More than anyone else, you should have known..."

"Buffy, you're right," he admitted quietly, turning away from her. "I was wrong. I just... I suspected that it was him and it was eating me up."

Buffy kicked the ground with the toe of her boot. "Why are you so threatened by him? You could have come to me..."

"I tried, but you... you wouldn't understand."

Buffy walked over to him and searched his face for any sign that she was getting through to him. "Logan, I want this to work. I'm trying to make it work. But stuff like this makes me crazy. It hurts... to think that not only did you fail to respect my privacy, but after you found out, you deliberately kept it from me."

He nodded remotely. The secret he held back from her about the curse weighed heavily on his conscience. "I never meant to hurt you."

Taking his hand and lacing her fingers with his, she sighed. "Everybody says that. The thing is, you didn't mean not to hurt me. That's the point. Maybe you didn't set out to hurt me, but you didn't do whatever was necessary to avoid it, either."

Stiffening slightly at her accusation, Logan rushed, "I do love you, Buffy. I'm not always good at it. But I do the best I can."

Buffy lifted his hand and laid it against her cheek. Pressing a kiss into his palm, she said, "I love you, too. So much. And I don't do it perfectly, but we both need to try harder," she confessed.

"I hate when we fight," he conceded.

"So do I. But I need to... why... why was it so important for you to know," she fretted under her breath.

Pausing, Logan pulled her into his arms and tucked her head under his chin. Not able to look into Buffy's eyes as he brooded over her connection to Angel, he slipped his fingers into her hair and massaged her scalp. "I can't stand the thought that you were willing to die for him, that you have a mark that will always remind you of how much you loved him."

Buffy chuckled softly and he leaned back to look at her. "Are you laughing at me?"

"No," she denied, shaking her head. "I can't see my neck... Give me your ring, Logan."

"What?" he asked bemusedly.

"I can't see my neck. The truth is, I rarely even think about it. But if I have your ring on my hand it will remind me of you every day, all day. If you are sure that you want to marry me, you should give me your ring. Right away. Tonight."

Logan stared at her for a moment in confusion. Then a slow, sardonic grin emerged. "You just want your sparkly early."

She returned his grin good-naturedly. "Well... yeah. But I don't want whatever issues you have with Angel, Xander, Spike, the mailman... whoever... to cause you to doubt me. It's exhausting for me to have to go into every situation assuming that any random guy I cross paths with will piss you off... Logan, I love you. I don't know what else to do to convince you."

Logan pulled her tighter against him and growled softly, his eyes deadly serious. "I didn't tell you about the rings to rush you. I wanted you to know that I wanted to wait for a good reason. This isn't a little girl's promise ring, Buffy, or some other weak... This is for real. If you accept it now, I'll hold you to it. No turning back."

"I know that."

"Do you?" he whispered, searching her eyes for confirmation. Hope stirred, and something else. Something primal leapt up within him, screaming inside his head, "Yes... Do it now! It's your right!"

Buffy returned his look fixedly, and her heart went out to him. He was so rarely unsure. Gently she kissed the corner of his mouth, and ran her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. "Of course I do. Despite what everyone seems to think, I am an adult. I'm not saying that we'll be married tomorrow. We have a lot to work out. I still have huge work to do here. And I'm not ready to accept that Faith won't turn the minute I leave town. You have to know that I'm a whole lot to handle, too. You have to know that I come with a sister. Wherever we go, Dawn goes with us, at least until she's old enough for college. What I'm saying is that I know we have fences to climb, but every couple does... What matters is that I love you. And I do want to marry you. If you ask me..."

Logan seized her by the shoulders and kissed her fiercely, savagely. He wanted desperately to believe her, to drag her behind some car and end his inner struggle against the side of it, but he couldn't do that to Buffy. So instead he fought the beast eating away at his will back into its cage. "Buffy I want to; you know that," Looking around, he sighed. "Shit. I don't even have a last name to offer you... And I didn't want to do this in an alley..."

As she responded, he winced slightly, "Yeah, not a great story to tell the grandkids... but I seem to spend most of my time in alleys. At least we're not in a cemetery..." Gesturing with her head, she suggested, "Let's go back inside."

Logan shuddered, "Inside? Buffy, I don't know..."

"Come on, don't be such a scared-y cat," she taunted slyly, as she squeezed his hand.

As they returned, Logan was relieved to find Angel gone. He pulled out Buffy's chair, and as she sat, he lowered himself down to his knees next to her. Everyone was shocked as he picked up his leather jacket from the table and dug into the inner breast pocket. Withdrawing his hand, he opened his fist and revealed a small black velvet box resting in his palm.

Smiling at her ruefully, he opened the box and removed a perfect one karat oval diamond, set across a slim platinum band. As the box fell away to the floor with a thud that only he could hear, Logan said, "If you don't like it, we can get something else..."

Willow grabbed her girlfriend's hand and pulled her closer, pressing a kiss to Tara's temple. "You knew about this," Tara accused playfully. Willow giggled, "For ages! Marie called and asked me for Buffy's ring size a while back."

Anya nudged a clearly dismayed Xander, who murmured, "Ah damn..."

A little too loudly, Anya insisted, "Apparently, not everyone is obsessed with 'the right time'... Well, except when it comes to giving Buffy orgasms. I think I'd rather have the orgasms..."

Logan felt like he was in a wind tunnel. There was noise and activity all around, but he was riveted by Buffy's rapidly pounding heart and shallow puffs of breath. Swallowing convulsively, Logan asked, "Buffy Summers, be my wife?"

Although she knew what was about to happen, a tear slid down Buffy's cheek. Softly, reverently, she stroked the ring, his knuckles, and then the back of his hand with shaking fingers. "Yes. Yes, I will."

Logan slipped the ring on her finger and Buffy dropped to her knees abruptly, circling his neck with her arms and knocking over her chair. Mine! He thought as his mind reveled in pure male satisfaction. Buffy bore his mark now. Everyone, human, mutant, and demon would recognize this. She was his and nothing would ever sever his claim. Passionately, he took full possession of her mouth and gloried in the taste of her. For the first time, the spell truly felt like a blessing rather than a curse.

Buffy was giddy. This strong, beautiful man was hers. No one and nothing would ever dare come between them now, not even Logan. He began to stand in the middle of the kiss, dragging her along the length of his tightly corded muscles. Soon, she thought, soon we'll make love and I'll be able to do all of the things to him I've dreamt of for so long. He couldn't... wouldn't make her wait until they got home. "Car sex... mmm," she whispered dreamily against his lips. To hell with everyone else. They could walk.

But Logan didn't hear her. From the back of the club, Logan was distracted by an eerie sing-song voice. It was Spike, talking to himself. Barely a whisper in the tightly packed room full of people, but Logan heard him nevertheless and it worried him. "It's just a ring. Not the first ring she's ever worn. She wore Angel's ring, too... once upon a time."

(end chapter)

Personal ANs:

Anna: Hope you liked the proposal. I really sweated it, considering how quickly it followed his discussion with Buffy about marriage. Well, it's sort of quick, about two weeks later. And thanks for your mention of Angel, as it gave me an excuse to press B & L closer.

Pay-day1999: Xander will settle down and accept Logan eventually. I doubt that he'll ever be Logan's best buddy, but they'll be civil for Buffy. I've decided against Buffy and Spike sex, although I'm leaving his constant pursuit of her and the attempted rape as is. That will do what I need to move Buffy and Logan even closer. I hadn't given any thought to a sequel. I have a new, completely different B/L in mind that I'd like to write first, but after that, it's possible. Logan will be inheriting more than just Dawn along with Buffy at the end of this.

Laura: Glad you're enjoying it. Let me know what you think of this chapter:]