A/N- I know it is short, but I am sort of stuck right now, and I figured after 2 months I should give you all the little bit I have written.

Quote/song disclaimer-I have finally come out from hiding under the couch in the Harperchondriac ward, and for all of you who know why I was there you also know why I am saying this……the quotes, song sips and other things I put before, after and sometimes in the middle of my fics are not mine, they are the people who I give credit to.  This is followed by the statement that I make no money on anything I write, so if you see a quote used that is yours feel honored go on with your life…… or write me a nice email telling me the story and the quote that I used that's yours and that you would like me not to use it and then I will get rid of it and I will find another quote to use… thanks (I hate disclaimers)

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your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

(did you really think one mean guy on the internet would stop me from using quotes in my writing?)

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            I stood outside Harper's room listening to his screams; I bit my lip debating whether or not to go in.  Every night of this mission Harper has had violent nightmares.  His screams wake up all of us, we have all tried to go in a wake him up and we are all sporting wounds of our attempts along with the bags under our eyes.  We are walking on eggshells around him and nothing seems to help.  It just gets worst and worst. 

Yesterday he almost stabbed Rev.  Harper was repairing a burned out cooling coil when Rev walked through the hallway nearby.  Harper jumped out and swung at him with the knife he keeps in his boot.  He back Rev into a corner, completely lost to reality in memories of Earth.  Trance found the two of them, she tried talking him down but nothing worked.  Finally she ran and got me and the two of us had a tackle Harper and hold him down until he passed out from exhaustion.

Rev carried him back to his room where the three of us strip searched him for more weapons.  He had lost so much weight since the operation and his skin was ghostly white.  Everyday we seem to lose him a little more to his past, none of us can get through to him.  It's been almost three years since he came on board.  I have never seen him this bad, sure he has slipped into 'earth mode' before where he is always on guard and lets no one near him.  But he has gotten better over the years…. Now, damn Harper, why did this have to be so bad right now?  Why can't you seem to know we are your friends, why don't you know this is your home, why can't you see you have left that hell behind?

I don't know how much more of this I can take, I can't run a ship with a crazed engineer, even if he was my best friend.  Was, past tense, is that what our friendship has become, the past.  I want my Harper back, not this insane earthling before me.  After we drop off the information in Harper's brain I am going to have to sit down with Trance and Rev and make some decisions.  I never thought I would be deciding what to do with Harper, he always was so independent, I could decide what I wanted to do, but when it came to Harper, Harper always made the calls.  Now he can't do much of anything, some days are better than other. 

Lately though the good days have been few and far between.  I have been locking the door to his room at night, his own little prison, but I think his mind is more of a prison for him right now then the storage closet we call a room, just a mattress on the floor with some belonging thrown about.  Mostly it's just clothes now; we have had to remove anything he can use to hurt others or himself.

I sigh and look down at the bills in front of me, fuel, medical bills, food, parts; the bills seem to go on forever.  Overwhelming bills, stupid bills, it's these frelling bills that lead to Harper getting his port, that port that… I can start to feel tears well up in my eyes.  I can't stand it anymore; the bills hit the far wall as anger overcomes me.  I will not cry, I will not lose it, I will not lose him.  I can't lose Harper.

As hard as I try to fight them the tears soon over power me and I find myself curled up on the floor of the main room.  Crying until my chest hurts, until I can't breath, until I am finally out of tears.  I am spent, I just sit there, I can't go on like this

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when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

….

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

"My Immortal"

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