DISCLAIMER: They'll squeeze the jelly out of your eyes. Actually, that's quite good on toast.
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(Xavier is staring at the ring. The ring is staring back at Xavier. He tries to pick it up, when SUDDENLY! there's a flash of a big, pink, flaming eye.)
XAVIER: M...Maybe I'll j-just wait for E...Evan.
(Xavier is sitting by the fireplace, smoking.)
STORM VOICEOVER: It's mine. My own. My Precious.
XAVIER: Riddles in the dark. Such a lovely chapter. I loved "The Hobbit".
BACKSTAGE MAGNETO: Oh, no! First he gets a dream and now he's talking to himself!
EVAN: Auntie O! (Opens the door and runs in) Auntie Oo!
(Evan notices the ring and picks it up.)
XAVIER: My Precious. Precious.
EVAN: She's gone, hasn't she? (Starts walking towards Xavier) She talked for so long about leaving, I didn't think she'd really do it.
(Looks at Xavier) Professor?
(Gandalf looks at the ring, then at Evan. Then at the ring again, then back at Evan.)
EVAN. What?
XAVIER: Storm's ring. She's gone to stay with the elves. She's left you Bag End.....
(Xavier holds a CD cover open, and Evan puts the ring in it. Then Xavier shuts the cover and hands it to Evan.)
XAVIER: .....along with all her possessions. The ring is yours now. Put it somewhere out of sight.
EVAN: I'll just leave it with my school books.
(Xavier starts to leave.)
EVAN: Where are you going?
XAVIER: There are some things that I must see to.
EVAN: What things?
XAVIER: Questions. Questions that need answering. AND I think I left the bathtub running.
EVAN: You have a house and you never told us? I don't understand.
XAVIER: Neither do I. Keep it secret. Keep it safe.
(Xavier leaves. Evan takes a look at the CD cover in his hand.)
EVAN: The Professor listens to BRITNEY SPEARS!?!
~¨~ AT THE DUNGEONS OF BARAD-DÛR ~¨~
(Somebody is torturing a little cage. With blue, furry arms sticking out of it.)
BEAST: Shire! Munroe!
(The gates at Barad-Dûr opens, and nine ringwraiths wearing orange cloaks jump out on pogosticks.)
(Xavier wheels to the outskirts of Mount Doom to enjoy the show.)
(Xavier applauds.)
(He then heads to Minas Tirith to study it's ancient comics.)
XAVIER VOICEOVER: Issue 208, year 3434 of the Second Age. Here follows the account of Rogue, High Queen of Gondor and the finding of the Ring of Power.
It has come to me, the One Ring. It shall be a heirloom of my kingdom. All that should follow my bloodline will be bound by its fate, for I will risk no hurt to the Ring.
It is precious to me, though it triggered my mutant power into manifesting. The markings upon the band begin to fade. The writing, which at first was clear as red flame, has all but disappeared. A secret now that only fire can show.
BACKSTAGE PYRO: YAAAAY! FIRE! BURN! HAHAHA HAHAHAH!
BACKSTAGE KITTY: AAAH! Like, my hair is like, totally on fire! Somebody like, put it out!
~¨~ MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE SHIRE ~¨~
(Jamie is chopping wood in front of a house, when husky-form Rahne starts barking angrily. Then she gets scared by a ringwraith and runs into the house.)
RAHNE (Inside the house) : That he's riding a pogostick is one thing, but ORANGE CLOAK?!
RINGWRAITH ( Caliban's voice): Shire. Munroe.
JAMIE (Scared) : Munroe? There's only one Munroe in the Shire and she lives in Hobbiton with her nephew Evan Daniels. (Points) That way.
(Caliban jumps off.)
(Evan and Kurt are leaving The Green Dragon Inn.)
AMANDA: Good night.
KURT: Good night.
(Evan and Kurt walk over to Bag End.)
KURT: Buh-bye.
EVAN: Good night, Kurt.
(Evan goes into the house. It looks pretty crashed. Someone grabs Evan's shoulder.)
EVAN: AAAAAAHH! Pleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillmeI'lldoanything- Oh, It's just you, Professor?
XAVIER: Is it secret? Is it safe?
(Evan searches through a chest, finds the CD cover and gives it to Xavier.)
EVAN: Here!
(Xavier throws it on the fireplace.)
XAVIER: Weren't there supposed to be a fire there?
(Amara walks up on the stage and turns into a flame girl. Then she lights the fireplace and dances like a Russian off the stage.)
AMARA: I....hate....Pyro.
EVAN: Why'd you throw it on the fire?
(By now, the flames have melted away the cover. Xavier picks up the ring with his mind.)
XAVIER: Hold out your hand, Evan, it is quite cool. I hope. (Drops the ring in Evan's hand.) What can you see? Can you see anything?
EVAN: Nothing. There's nothing. No, wait.... There are markings. Some form of Elvish. I can't read it.
XAVIER: There are few who can. The language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here.
EVAN: Mordor? What the *biiiiiiiiiip* does it say on the *biiiiiiip* ring.
OFFSTAGE STORM: Evan! You're NOT allowed to speak Mordorian onstage!
XAVIER: In the common tongue it says: One Ring to rule them all....
OFFSTAGE PYRO: One Ring to find them
One Ring to bring them all
And in the darkness bind them!
In the land of Mordor where shadows lie.
XAVIER: Umm, yeah right. This is the One Ring, forged by the Dark Lord Apocalypse in the fires of Mount Doom, taken by Rogue from the hand of Apocalypse himself.
EVAN: Auntie O found it. In Beast's cave.
XAVIER: Yes. For sixty years the Ring lay quiet in Ororo's keeping, prolonging her life, delaying old age. But no longer, Evan. Evil is stirring in Mordor. The Ring has awakened. It has heard its master's call.
EVAN: ........Auntie O's gonna die? And Apocalypse was destroyed. Right?
RING (Whispers): Isildur....Oh wait, he's dead.
(Evan and Xavier stare at the Ring.)
XAVIER: Mystique?
OFFSTAGE MYSTIQUE: Yes, darling ?
(Evan and Xavier stare even more at the Ring.)
XAVIER: No, Evan. Apocalypse's spirit survived. His life force is bound to the Ring, and the Ring survived. Apocalypse, has returned. His orcs have multiplied. His fortress of
Barad-Dûr has been rebuilt in the land of Mordor. Apocalypse needs only this Ring to cover all the lands in a second darkness. He is seeking it. Seeking it, all his thought is bent on it. The Ring yearns above all to return to its masters hand. They are one, the Ring and the Dark Lord. Evan, he must never find it.
EVAN: All right. We keep it hidden. We never talk about of it again. No one knows it's here, do they? Do they, Professor?
XAVIER: There is one other who knew that Ororo had the Ring. I looked everywhere for the mutant Beast, but the enemy found him first. I don't know how long they tortured him. Amidst the endless screams and insane babbling they discerned two words:
VERY REALISTIC BEAST VOICEOVER: Shire! Munroe!
EVAN (Distressed) : Shire. Munroe. (Long thinking pause) But that'll lead'em here!
~¨~ AT THE BORDERS OF HOBBITON ~¨~
(A ringwraith is jumping along the road up to Kitty.)
KITTY: Hey! Like, who goes there?
(The ringwraith slashes her head off (She'll be back for the next movie, don't worry.)
~¨~ BACK AT BAG END ~¨~
EVAN: Take it, Professor! Take it!
XAVIER: No, Evan, no.
EVAN: You must take it!
XAVIER: You cannot offer me this Ring!
EVAN: I'm giving it to you!
XAVIER: Don't...tempt me, Evan! I dare not take it. Not even to keep it safe. Understand Evan, I would use it from a wish to create understanding between mutants and humans. But through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine.
EVAN: But it can't stay in the Shire!
XAVIER: No! No, it can't.
EVAN: What must I do?
(Evan rushes about, packing for the journey.)
XAVIER: You must leave, and leave quickly.
EVAN: Where? Where can I go?
XAVIER: Get out of the Shire. Head for the village of Cheddar.
EVAN: Bree. Okay. And what about you?
XAVIER: I'll be waiting for you, at the Inn of My Little Coney.
EVAN: And the Ring will be safe there?
XAVIER: I don't know. I don't have any answers. I must see the head of my order. She is both wise and powerful. Trust me Evan, she'll know what to do. You'll have to leave the name of Daniels behind you, for nobody likes that name outside of the Shire. Travel only by day. And stay OFF the road!
EVAN (Posing in a Frodo costume, cape and all, and a skateboard) : I can skate through country easily enough.
XAVIER (Smiles): My dear Evan. Hobbits really ARE amazing creatures! You can learn all that there is to know about them in a month, and yet after a hundred-and-three years, they can still surprise you.
(Leaves are rustling outside.)
XAVIER: Get down!
(Evan throws himself on the floor. Xavier wheels over to the window, looks out cautiously, then whack an umbrella that stood by the window into the bushes.)
KURT: Ouch!
(Xavier picks up Kurt (without image inducer) with his mind and drops him on the table.)
XAVIER (Mad) : Confound it all, Kurt Wagner! Have you been eavesdropping?!
KURT (Terrified) : I have been dropping no eaves, honest. I vas just cutting the grass under the window here, if you follow me. (Holds up a bush cutter thingy.)
XAVIER: A little late for trimming the verge, don't you think?
KURT: I h-heard raised voices.
XAVIER: What did hear? Speak!
KURT: N-n-n-nothing important. That is, I heard a great deal about a Dark Lord and a Ring, and something about the end of the world, but...
Please, Herr Professor, don't make me think I'm a six year old girl!
XAVIER: Perhaps not. I have thought of a better use for you.