A/N: I know I've made you wait. This one might piss you off more than
mollify you. Fear not, there's more coming this weekend.
***
XXIII. Unanswered
Julia tried not to let her exclusion from the afternoon's meeting with the Van chafe too much. Vicious had reassured her, before he left, that it had nothing to do with anyone's perception of her importance in the past few days' events; even so, she couldn't help feeling she had a right to be present. But one did not show up uninvited in the chamber, and with Marcus under lock and key, at least she was free to walk in the sunlight.
She set out without a destination, blinking and digging for her shades as she passed through the exterior door of the tower. Her feet led her down the path that was still most familiar, even after a year, and she found herself at Annie's shop.
Two young boys barreled out through the door as she reached for the handle. They ducked under her arm, and she heard Annie yelling after them, "I know your parents!"
"Troublemakers?" she asked as her eyes adjusted to the dim interior.
"Julia!" Annie threw her hands up in the air. "From the faces I dread the most to the one I love the best. Thank god you're all right."
Julia raised an eyebrow and pulled a stool up to the counter. "I've been all right all along. I seem to be the eye of the storm."
The older woman nodded, pouring coffee for both of them. "Seems like Britt knew better than to mess with you." She looked closely at Julia. "Have you heard from Spike?"
"No." She sighed. "Mao says he knows where to reach him, but Vicious isn't sure if that's true or not."
"He called me yesterday," Annie said, putting a hand on Julia's arm. "He wanted me to pass along his gratitude."
Julia's eyes widened. "Did he say where he was? Was he okay?"
"He talked like his usual self. Looked pretty beat up, though. And I didn't want to know where he was, so no, he didn't tell me."
"He was pretty beat up." Unbidden, the memory of him lying bloody and ashen in the tub flashed through her mind, and she shivered. "He doesn't know about Marcus, then?"
"No, I didn't know about it when he called." Annie hesitated. "Honey, he'll be fine. He always is, somehow."
Julia nodded mutely.
"You did a brave and selfless thing, taking him in." Annie added a shot of whiskey to her mug, offering the bottle across the counter, but Julia shook her head.
"There was nothing else I could have done. He would have done the same for me."
"All too true," Annie replied. "More than you realize, I imagine."
"No. I know too well."
Annie raised her eyebrows, but said nothing.
"Why did no one ever tell me about Anthony?" She pushed a lock of gold hair behind her ear, trying to sound casual.
"Some subjects serve no purpose being revisited," Annie said carefully. "You knew who he was, of course. And how he died."
"But in two years, I never knew Vicious lived with him. Did you know him?"
Annie took a gulp of her coffee before responding. "He was one of our closest friends. When Spike's mother... left, I watched him during the days, in the summertime, until he went away to school on Jupiter. Anthony and Ming –" she cast a glance at the portrait of Annie, Mao and a silver-haired man Julia vaguely knew to be her late husband – "grew up together in the Syndicate. Anthony's death made us all realize we were not immune to what went on in the street."
"I've never heard anything about Spike's mother."
A shadow passed across Annie's face, leaving it closed. "You will not hear about her from me."
With a long exhale, Julia straightened her back and looked around the shop. "I didn't know who else to get the whole story from," she said. "I've gotten bits and pieces from Spike and from Vicious these last few days, but nothing I can put together."
"Julia, I mean it. Some things are not meant to be dredged up and turned over like trinkets on a coffee table. If either of those boys told you anything at all, it's more than most people who weren't there will ever hear."
She knew Annie kept a secret better than just about anyone – which was how she came to know just about everything. But her closed mouth only served to make Julia more curious. "Tell me what Anthony was like, then," she said, "something – I feel like if I knew that, I might understand both of them better."
Annie smiled, seeing Julia clearly for the first time that day: older, more sure of herself, and with it, troubled the way a woman who had to confront a difficult choice would be. "Isn't it enough to understand them for who they are?"
She hesitated before answering. "Not anymore, not really. Vicious and I had a rough patch a few weeks ago, and I don't think I realized until then how much I depended on Spike to... I don't know. Buoy him up. And me, too."
"Well, then, you're further on your way to knowing Anthony than you think." Annie gave her a sympathetic look. "Neither of them is everything Anthony was, but they're like the two halves of him. That didn't come from them living together – the time was really too brief. It was more that Vicious represented the things Anthony wanted Spike to be, but would never push him into, and Spike represented the things that brought Anthony the most joy, but at the greatest costs to his success. When he had them both, he had everything, at least for a little while."
Julia groaned. "You're being cryptic."
"I don't think so. You can see for yourself how Vicious drives Spike to succeed with him. And how Spike can make Vicious act like a normal person. Before you came along, no one but Spike could so much as make Vicious smile. I thought he was the most hateful creature when Mao first brought him around." She chuckled, trying to soften the comment. "He was all focus and no pleasure in the accomplishment. That's changed, slowly."
"He didn't seem that way to me until later," Julia replied, wrapping her hands around her mug. "But then, I never saw him without Spike until after..." She trailed off, lost in thought.
Annie pinned her with a stare. "I can hear what you're saying, Julia, even if you don't mean to let on."
"What am I saying?" Julia challenged.
"You're wondering who you fell for. Or maybe what you fell for. Either way, you're asking hard questions and I have no answers to them."
Julia shook her head, but her expression didn't convey the same resolve. "I fell for Vicious because he treated me like I thought I deserved to be treated. And because he was the kind of man I thought I deserved."
"That's a double entendre if I ever heard one," Annie replied, and took another long pull on her coffee-and-whiskey.
"And the issue is a pointless and rhetorical one," Julia said, mostly to herself.
Annie set her cup down on the counter, watching confusion give way to determination on the young woman's face. "Asking if you've lived your life in a way you won't regret is never pointless. It's how we all learn to make better decisions."
Julia stood abruptly, and her smile was a little too bright for the mood in the room. "There's nothing any of us can do to change the past. My words to live by." She pulled her shades out of her pocket.
"No, there isn't. We can only change the future." Annie smiled back, but the look was inescapably sad.
"Thank you for the coffee. And for passing Spike's message along. It helps. I should probably see what kind of a wreck my apartment is, though." With the glasses on, the rest of her porcelain face gave no clue to her thoughts.
"Come back soon," Annie replied, refilling her coffee cup. "I'm always here."
"You have no idea how much I appreciate that," Julia said softly, and walked out, back straight and head high, throwing a wave over her shoulder silhouetted in the bright sun of the doorway.
Annie sat for a long time after Julia was gone, her coffee forgotten, turning over memories that had been buried beneath hard-packed soil for years.
***
Mayan had not returned by mid-afternoon, so Spike did what he could to help Astrid bring wood to rebuild the fire before the chill of dusk set in. Bull came out to sit in the sun and watched the two of them wordlessly for almost an hour; they, too, said little, though Astrid stopped often in her tasks, taking longer than she normally would, to give Spike the impression he was of some assistance.
When his strength finally gave out, he went to sit beside Bull and lit a cigarette.
"What did your dreams reveal?" Bull asked, not looking at him.
Spike shrugged. "More complications than answers."
"Then you are not yet finished dreaming."
The younger man stretched his legs out, wincing at the pull of the healing skin over his hip. "I'm starving."
A small smile crept over Bull's wrinkled face. "Fasting brings clarity to the mind, but it will not help your body. Perhaps the clarity will need to wait until you are strong enough to greet it."
Though she had not heard the conversation, Astrid ducked out from under the flap of her tent with a bowl of cornbread and offered it to the two men before taking a piece for herself. She settled herself with surprising grace, given the extra burden she carried, opposite her father so she could see them both.
Spike smiled at her. "I don't know why I thought you would stay sixteen forever."
She laughed and rested a hand on her belly. "You've grown up too, you know."
"I didn't have much choice in the matter," he replied, taking the proffered pipe from Bull with a nod.
"None of us do. Being here is like being a child again, if only for a little while, though."
Spike nodded, lighting the bowl and waiting until the rush hit him to speak again. "With all the good and bad that comes from it."
"You cannot truly grow until you leave the past behind," Bull offered, watching him.
"The future I want is impossible to achieve," Spike said, slurring a little but clearly thinking hard. "Everything I want is promised to someone else. Everything I dread happens, no matter what I try to do to stop it." He looked to Astrid, surprised to see bright tears in her eyes, though they did not fall.
"As soon as you stop trying the locked door, you will see your path ahead of you," Bull replied. "Whether it will take you away from what you believe you desire, or whether it will lead you there by the route you should have taken all along."
Spike chuckled, his grip on the pipe loosening. "I wish I could figure out where I fucked up, to deserve the place I'm in now."
Bull stood slowly, stretching to full height, before he answered. "Pity yourself when you are at the end. But you are not there yet. You found your path once before, here with me. You will find it again."
***
XXIII. Unanswered
Julia tried not to let her exclusion from the afternoon's meeting with the Van chafe too much. Vicious had reassured her, before he left, that it had nothing to do with anyone's perception of her importance in the past few days' events; even so, she couldn't help feeling she had a right to be present. But one did not show up uninvited in the chamber, and with Marcus under lock and key, at least she was free to walk in the sunlight.
She set out without a destination, blinking and digging for her shades as she passed through the exterior door of the tower. Her feet led her down the path that was still most familiar, even after a year, and she found herself at Annie's shop.
Two young boys barreled out through the door as she reached for the handle. They ducked under her arm, and she heard Annie yelling after them, "I know your parents!"
"Troublemakers?" she asked as her eyes adjusted to the dim interior.
"Julia!" Annie threw her hands up in the air. "From the faces I dread the most to the one I love the best. Thank god you're all right."
Julia raised an eyebrow and pulled a stool up to the counter. "I've been all right all along. I seem to be the eye of the storm."
The older woman nodded, pouring coffee for both of them. "Seems like Britt knew better than to mess with you." She looked closely at Julia. "Have you heard from Spike?"
"No." She sighed. "Mao says he knows where to reach him, but Vicious isn't sure if that's true or not."
"He called me yesterday," Annie said, putting a hand on Julia's arm. "He wanted me to pass along his gratitude."
Julia's eyes widened. "Did he say where he was? Was he okay?"
"He talked like his usual self. Looked pretty beat up, though. And I didn't want to know where he was, so no, he didn't tell me."
"He was pretty beat up." Unbidden, the memory of him lying bloody and ashen in the tub flashed through her mind, and she shivered. "He doesn't know about Marcus, then?"
"No, I didn't know about it when he called." Annie hesitated. "Honey, he'll be fine. He always is, somehow."
Julia nodded mutely.
"You did a brave and selfless thing, taking him in." Annie added a shot of whiskey to her mug, offering the bottle across the counter, but Julia shook her head.
"There was nothing else I could have done. He would have done the same for me."
"All too true," Annie replied. "More than you realize, I imagine."
"No. I know too well."
Annie raised her eyebrows, but said nothing.
"Why did no one ever tell me about Anthony?" She pushed a lock of gold hair behind her ear, trying to sound casual.
"Some subjects serve no purpose being revisited," Annie said carefully. "You knew who he was, of course. And how he died."
"But in two years, I never knew Vicious lived with him. Did you know him?"
Annie took a gulp of her coffee before responding. "He was one of our closest friends. When Spike's mother... left, I watched him during the days, in the summertime, until he went away to school on Jupiter. Anthony and Ming –" she cast a glance at the portrait of Annie, Mao and a silver-haired man Julia vaguely knew to be her late husband – "grew up together in the Syndicate. Anthony's death made us all realize we were not immune to what went on in the street."
"I've never heard anything about Spike's mother."
A shadow passed across Annie's face, leaving it closed. "You will not hear about her from me."
With a long exhale, Julia straightened her back and looked around the shop. "I didn't know who else to get the whole story from," she said. "I've gotten bits and pieces from Spike and from Vicious these last few days, but nothing I can put together."
"Julia, I mean it. Some things are not meant to be dredged up and turned over like trinkets on a coffee table. If either of those boys told you anything at all, it's more than most people who weren't there will ever hear."
She knew Annie kept a secret better than just about anyone – which was how she came to know just about everything. But her closed mouth only served to make Julia more curious. "Tell me what Anthony was like, then," she said, "something – I feel like if I knew that, I might understand both of them better."
Annie smiled, seeing Julia clearly for the first time that day: older, more sure of herself, and with it, troubled the way a woman who had to confront a difficult choice would be. "Isn't it enough to understand them for who they are?"
She hesitated before answering. "Not anymore, not really. Vicious and I had a rough patch a few weeks ago, and I don't think I realized until then how much I depended on Spike to... I don't know. Buoy him up. And me, too."
"Well, then, you're further on your way to knowing Anthony than you think." Annie gave her a sympathetic look. "Neither of them is everything Anthony was, but they're like the two halves of him. That didn't come from them living together – the time was really too brief. It was more that Vicious represented the things Anthony wanted Spike to be, but would never push him into, and Spike represented the things that brought Anthony the most joy, but at the greatest costs to his success. When he had them both, he had everything, at least for a little while."
Julia groaned. "You're being cryptic."
"I don't think so. You can see for yourself how Vicious drives Spike to succeed with him. And how Spike can make Vicious act like a normal person. Before you came along, no one but Spike could so much as make Vicious smile. I thought he was the most hateful creature when Mao first brought him around." She chuckled, trying to soften the comment. "He was all focus and no pleasure in the accomplishment. That's changed, slowly."
"He didn't seem that way to me until later," Julia replied, wrapping her hands around her mug. "But then, I never saw him without Spike until after..." She trailed off, lost in thought.
Annie pinned her with a stare. "I can hear what you're saying, Julia, even if you don't mean to let on."
"What am I saying?" Julia challenged.
"You're wondering who you fell for. Or maybe what you fell for. Either way, you're asking hard questions and I have no answers to them."
Julia shook her head, but her expression didn't convey the same resolve. "I fell for Vicious because he treated me like I thought I deserved to be treated. And because he was the kind of man I thought I deserved."
"That's a double entendre if I ever heard one," Annie replied, and took another long pull on her coffee-and-whiskey.
"And the issue is a pointless and rhetorical one," Julia said, mostly to herself.
Annie set her cup down on the counter, watching confusion give way to determination on the young woman's face. "Asking if you've lived your life in a way you won't regret is never pointless. It's how we all learn to make better decisions."
Julia stood abruptly, and her smile was a little too bright for the mood in the room. "There's nothing any of us can do to change the past. My words to live by." She pulled her shades out of her pocket.
"No, there isn't. We can only change the future." Annie smiled back, but the look was inescapably sad.
"Thank you for the coffee. And for passing Spike's message along. It helps. I should probably see what kind of a wreck my apartment is, though." With the glasses on, the rest of her porcelain face gave no clue to her thoughts.
"Come back soon," Annie replied, refilling her coffee cup. "I'm always here."
"You have no idea how much I appreciate that," Julia said softly, and walked out, back straight and head high, throwing a wave over her shoulder silhouetted in the bright sun of the doorway.
Annie sat for a long time after Julia was gone, her coffee forgotten, turning over memories that had been buried beneath hard-packed soil for years.
***
Mayan had not returned by mid-afternoon, so Spike did what he could to help Astrid bring wood to rebuild the fire before the chill of dusk set in. Bull came out to sit in the sun and watched the two of them wordlessly for almost an hour; they, too, said little, though Astrid stopped often in her tasks, taking longer than she normally would, to give Spike the impression he was of some assistance.
When his strength finally gave out, he went to sit beside Bull and lit a cigarette.
"What did your dreams reveal?" Bull asked, not looking at him.
Spike shrugged. "More complications than answers."
"Then you are not yet finished dreaming."
The younger man stretched his legs out, wincing at the pull of the healing skin over his hip. "I'm starving."
A small smile crept over Bull's wrinkled face. "Fasting brings clarity to the mind, but it will not help your body. Perhaps the clarity will need to wait until you are strong enough to greet it."
Though she had not heard the conversation, Astrid ducked out from under the flap of her tent with a bowl of cornbread and offered it to the two men before taking a piece for herself. She settled herself with surprising grace, given the extra burden she carried, opposite her father so she could see them both.
Spike smiled at her. "I don't know why I thought you would stay sixteen forever."
She laughed and rested a hand on her belly. "You've grown up too, you know."
"I didn't have much choice in the matter," he replied, taking the proffered pipe from Bull with a nod.
"None of us do. Being here is like being a child again, if only for a little while, though."
Spike nodded, lighting the bowl and waiting until the rush hit him to speak again. "With all the good and bad that comes from it."
"You cannot truly grow until you leave the past behind," Bull offered, watching him.
"The future I want is impossible to achieve," Spike said, slurring a little but clearly thinking hard. "Everything I want is promised to someone else. Everything I dread happens, no matter what I try to do to stop it." He looked to Astrid, surprised to see bright tears in her eyes, though they did not fall.
"As soon as you stop trying the locked door, you will see your path ahead of you," Bull replied. "Whether it will take you away from what you believe you desire, or whether it will lead you there by the route you should have taken all along."
Spike chuckled, his grip on the pipe loosening. "I wish I could figure out where I fucked up, to deserve the place I'm in now."
Bull stood slowly, stretching to full height, before he answered. "Pity yourself when you are at the end. But you are not there yet. You found your path once before, here with me. You will find it again."