This is left over from the last fic…..I hope you will enjoy it. It is a bit AU. But not by much, I hope. Thanks for the reviews. I can NOT thank you guys enough. Please review,
Still don't own anything.
I got……well, I will inform ya of what else I got later. Or in a minute. I think I had better start from the beginning.
As I said we had bought a new house. Or were deeply in debt for the new house. But the inheritance was adequate enough to actually payoff the house. It happened while Monica was six and a half months pregnant.
Even with three paychecks. Mine, Joey's and mine. The first was from an advertising agency. Joey's when he did get jobs. He went back to the soaps and did a few commercials. He finally got cast playing Crispy Chicken on a commercial for Crispy Fingers, a fast food restaurant. A benefit that Joey loves is that he gets a bucket of chicken free each day. The other one for me is that I am now writing freelance for a newspaper.
Monica no longer works outside the home. She says that she has too much to do during the day. Trying to keep the house clean, laundry, and taking care of the babies. The care of the babies is six bottles a day at the least for each. Ten and sometimes more diaper changing a day. Baths, and even has to find time to play with them.
But now they are being toilet trained. And are showing improvement. But it is frustrating and hard work. We are glad that we are not using cloth diapers. And there is such a thing as Pull Ups. Helps out a lot more.
As I said before, I think that Daniel has a sadistic sense of humor to try and be as contrary as he can. I mean he is smart enough to now use the little potty, but I think loves to give us a hard time for fun. I say he is going through his terrible twos. Monica says it is because he has my genes. Without Monica knowing, 'that's my boy'!
Of course I have my part as well. Well, sometimes Phoebe and Rachel comes over to help, as well as Ross and Mike. Although they make every excuse they can to avoid us. But that is during the day. At night, it is me, Monica and Joey, when we can catch him around.
When Jack moved in, everything seemed to get easier for Monica. After Judy died, he felt that he needed to be around the kids a lot more. To try and help him out emotionally. And I believe that it did work. He felt that he was needed and even though he grieved, he took solace in his grandchildren and spent a lot of time with them and bonded with Monica as well.
He also insisted on paying a few bills like electric and such and buying diapers and some groceries. Joey paid the water bills as well as helped out with the groceries as well, and purchased some toys.
Interestingly, it seemed that he liked playing with them as well. And more times than naught, they were well too advanced for the babies to play with, like play station games. He just said that they were for them when they got older. But he had to make sure they worked right. Then again, maybe it would have been interesting if he didn't.
Monica was not as tired anymore and the house was kept up better. With both the pregnancy now. She was no longer sick, but was eating everything in sight. And well, between her and the babies, I never really got a good nights sleep for a while.
Speaking of the pregnancy. The second ultrasound when Monica was three months along was chocked full of information. One, unfortunately, Monica was right and the other, well this is what happened.
Monica was laying down on the table in the doctor's office again. With the gel on her stomach and what the doctor said, scared me to death.
"Well, everything looks okay. Want to know the sex?"
"Yes. It would help out with choosing the colors for the baby's room." Monica stated.
"Sure, why not." I added naively. What could it hurt. I soon found out.
"Well, let me see. One, two, and it looks like three girls."
"Girls, three little girls!" Monica had tears repelling down her checks. She then looked at me and smugly stated. "Told ya."
"Girls? ALL?" I was remembering what she said that day. 'Crushes and boyfriends, crushes and boyfriends, crushes and boyfriends.' The words were replaying in my head and I was feeling nauseous, getting a migraine and lightheaded all at once. "NOOOOOOO Not all girls! Were not you guys listening? I said Boys, NO girls!" I spoke to her stomach again. The doctor was now laughing out loud.
Monica laughed, "They ALL take after me!" After she said that I had a bad forbearance of what was coming my way. They would not listen to me one bit.
But I got some even more worse news from the doctor. "Don't worry, Mr. Bing, the fourth one is a son."
"Four? FOUR? FOUR!" I stood up fast, TOO FAST and I started to get dizzy and lightheaded, but not all from how quickly I stood up. "What do YOU mean four? Last time we were here you said THREE! NOT FOUR!"
"Chandler, please sit down and calm yourself!" Monica had grabbed hold of my arm and trying to get me to sit back down.
"But, but, but….we have NO room for four!" I was starting to feel even more scared than I used to hearing the C word. "We already have 3 Highchairs and three car seats and anything else three from the first three!"
"You mean to tell me that you have had three already and you wanted more?" The doctor trying to come to grips with this new bit of info. "And you took fertility drugs? The BOTH of you? Now I need to sit down."
"No, it was not like this at all." Monica started to explain trying to get me to sit down all the while. It was not working I was pacing so hard and fast that and grumbling, that she had given up. "We only wanted one more. And the first two were adopted, the fertility clinic told us that we could not have kids on our own. SO we adopted one or it was suppose to be one, but it turned out twins. And then I got pregnant with Daniel two months after they were born. And we decided on one more. So you know about the mix up involving the fertility drugs. And that is that. So you see, we really did not plan this."
"Oh, I see." The doctor shook his head for a minute, then smiled. "Would you mind if I wrote an article to the Journal of the American Medical Association about your case."
"OH NO you DON'T!" I turned toward him slowly. "We will not be a freak show for anything!"
"Anything more than you already are, huh?" I could not hold back my emotions anymore, so I ducked him. No ONE! And I mean NO ONE calls MY family that!!! "Uhbbb, wight maybee eww hd betr stawt gawn at awnutr dawctr." He quickly wrote a name and number down on a slip of paper and left the room.
Monica was almost in shock at what I did, but she soon got out of it. Took the keys from me and led me out. On the way home, I was just sitting there like nothing had happened. Just passively sitting there not worrying about babies. I believed that Monica was not pregnant and this was all a dream. Or just some slip of my sadistic imagination. In short I was in denial.
After we arrived home I walked around. I mean I was there, but not really. This was a dream. Nothing more nothing less. We already had three kids. There was no way there was going to be four more!
Of course Monica had called everybody over. They all sat around the huge front room and I stood to the side by the fireplace. Ignoring everything. This was just a dream nothing more. Just a dream. All present were Jack, Ross, Rachel, Emma, Joey, Phoebe, Mike, Little Jack, Erica and Daniel. The babies were on the floor playing with different toys. While the grownups sat on the sofas or chairs.
"New announcement everyone!" Monica was really excited. I was trying to cut myself off. "Phoebe, remember how I told you that we are tied for having three babies all at once?" 'no don't say it!, ignorance is bliss, ignorance is bliss.' "Well I am not!" Good, I KNEW that I misheard! "I BEAT YOU! I AM NOW HAVING FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!" It was right then and there I started grumbling.
"I KNEW that WE should have gone to a fertility clinic!!!!!!!!!" Phoebe glared at Mike.
"Four?" Mike backed away from a very angry wife.
"Unbelievable!" Ross could only spat out.
"NOT FAIR!" Phoebe kept wailing.
"I guess there will not be anymore." Jack stated.
"Over my dead body." I grumbled.
"WHOA, FOUR?" Joey stuttered out. "Hey, you still owe me. I want one of those babies named after me!"
"Fine. At least it goes with Bing."
"And I want to be the Godfather."
"Alright and before anyone says anything, you all will be Godparents. Ok?"
"YES!!!!!!!!" Joey had won a huge victory.
"Monica I love you. I mean hey you are my sister and best friend. But boy am I glad it is you and not me." Rachel then grinned. "Hey, it will never be me again!" She then grinned at the thought of no more babies.
"But, I want another!" Ross wailed.
"Well, you are NOT getting one. I am not going to go through the back pain, nor the sickness nor messing up my career. I mean I would be the one to carry the child not you. And I changed more diapers than you. And sat up more times than you. Put my career on hold and everything. So I get the last word."
Ross looked like he was going to cry. "But Rachel….." The look he received from her told it all. He gave into her. "Alright, fine Rachel." But I knew it would not be the last time he would try to get Rachel to agree to have another.
"Well, I bet you both are thankful that you both have a bigger house. At least it is big enough for that big of a family." Dad who was there for a visit stated wisely.
"Chandler, I will admit this only once, your father is right. At least you have enough room to look after the babies." Just then a toy cannon went off next door. 'Teddy' was giving a twenty one gun salute. For his fallen comrades in the war.
"What on earth was that?" Dad asked.
"Just a neighbor."
"Is he always like that?" Mom asked.
"Yeah, but he is harmless."
"But that was a cannon!"
"A toy cannon with nothing in it. Just enough powder for a blast. He points it toward trees on his property."
"Chandler, our neighbor's brother has just moved in."
"So he can not be as crazy as the others that are living there."
"He is a scientist that works at the chemical plant during the day, but at night, he is trying to change grass and rocks into gold and aluminum and glass into diamonds."
"But that can not be done! Just can not be done. Logically…."
"OK, so he is apart of that family. Mentally anyway."
"Well at least Lisa is somewhat normal." Mike started.
"Mike, she talks to her car and THINKS that it talks back to her!"
"But I thought that was the lady with the flowers!" Rachel started.
"No, that is her grandmother, Tilley. And to her the bushes not flowers are her husbands."
"Oh, I see, her husbands souls are now residing in the bushes!" Phoebe exclaimed. I think they both would get along dood together. I made a mental note to introduce them.
"Oh yeah."
"Who is driving the car?"
"Trudy. She is the oldest sister. Of the family."
"Is Teddy really the grandfather?"
"No, Lisa pretends that she is his oldest daughter, Alice, sometimes, then pretends that she is his granddaughter other times. In reality he is her uncle." Jack explained.
"There really are a bunch of coots living nearby, right?" Dad asked.
"They are not so bad when you get used to them. Just call Teddy, President Roosevelt and salute him. You know, play along. Stay away from the front of the car when Trudy is 'driving and do not on any circumstances dig or help to dig up the bushes. Tilley packs a mean and I MEAN wallop with a shovel." I explained.
"Lisa and Bradley are both harmless." Monica explained. "So it is pretty safe around here."
"Just don't dig up or bother the bushes." I mumbled.
"Lisa wanted to move them to another part of the yard." Monica told mom and dad, who did not know the whole story.
"Can you believe that it knocked Chandler out?" Ross laughed.
"Hey, I was out for two hours and had a concussion for two days after." I defended. "But, if you think that YOU can do better, the shovel is in the garage."
"Oh, look at the time! I have a faculty meeting in an hour. Congratulations. FOUR kids, I mean THREE daughters and a boy. Now you have seven kids. FIVE of which are GIRLS!!!! Think of all the boys that will be hanging around!!!!!" I slumped down muttering where no one could understand me.
"Thanks a lot Ross!" Monica grumbled.
It took a while, but I soon got my bearings once again. And soon after I finally was able to think of my kids again without quaking so much. Which really amazed me. As well as the others that were around me.
But now on to the video/will reading.
My third cousin had past away. The attorney had contacted me and about twenty others, to attend the last will and testament. Among those were her five kids, two daughters and three sons. The third son was from her second marriage.
One of the daughters was adopted and the only good one of the bunch. All she did was charity work for under privileged kids and volunteered at orphanages, ran a teenage house on the streets, she was also a Psychologist or counselor for them.
Her first husband that she divorced. Her second husband and his five kids from his first two previous marriages. Her two nephews, a sister, and the rest were her cousins. I did not get along with them what so ever. Although, everyone said my fifth cousin and I were a lot alike. Both were very cynical and sarcastic.
Her name was Carle A. De Catheter. She happened to be 3 years younger than me, which was 34. Five four. Chestnut hair and brown, almost golden eyes.
Going into the lawyers office, we bumped into each other. Neither one of us were TOOO thrilled to see the other.
"BING!" She gritted her teeth into a forced smile as her Texas accent made my last name somehow seem worse than it actually was.
"CATHETER!" I gritted my teeth as well.
"Chandler, who is this?" Monica asked.
"Monica, this is my fifth cousin, Carle De CATEHTER." I almost shouted out her last name.
"Oh, you ACTUALLY married him? Willingly? You have my pity." Her Texas accent was crisp and sassy.
Before I could say anything, a young lawyer got everyone's attention. We all sat down and started to watch the tape. "What is said on this tape goes." We should have known that this would be trouble. He then put the tape into the VCR. My third cousin came on.
'My fellow mooches, leeches and other parasites, lend me your ears." Everybody froze. "I thought that would get your attentions. Not on to the rat killings. To my first husband, I leave this thought that what is about to happen, you trained me well on. All the business are to be owned by the employees and no one of this family is going to run them. After all I have seen you run your lives into the ground. And I will not let you do that to those business. Those people need their jobs and I will not have anyone out of work. But don't worry I will leave something to you."
"My first son, since you LOVE my cars, I will leave one to you. The one that is up on blocks in the yard. Hope you enjoy it, it is a classic, after all." That left her son with his mouth hanging open and a dumb expression left on his face. Carle started chuckling.
"My second son, you are being left with a plane ticket and a bed to stay at the gambler's rehab in Las Vegas Nevada. And if you complete and actually do not gamble anymore, I will leave you the sum of $1000 to be paid to you five years after you leave, if you fail, one poker chip. And the money will go to the rehabilitation place as a contribution."
Carle and I looked at each other, "He'll fail." We both busted out laughing.
"My daughter, I TOLD you NOT TO marry that snake salesman! I will leave you a book of Romeo and Juliet. Since you married that jerk. Love until the end of time? I don't think so. I mean how many times has cheated on you? You run home tome and then he somehow talks you back. Well, not anymore. Because you are being left with NO money. Nothing." Her husband got up and left and she ran after him.
"My second daughter. You said you wanted nothing. Well I am going to follow your wishes. You will get nothing alright, except the house, but it must be turned into an orphanage." She started crying. "Don't cry, you were a very good girl and I respect you above all others. The only thing I ask you to do is to take in your youngest brother and look after him. You will do a good job with him. After he gets out on his own, it can be college or starting his own business, he will get $2500. That is a lot more than I got when I started out."
"Chandler Bing. After all you have been through, you never once asked for money from your parents or anything. You will get $100,000. That should help you and your family. Carle De Catheter, you will get $5000. And the rest of the money is going to different charities and so forth."
"To my last husband and his clan, nothing. I Know what you were after and the answer is no. No money or anything else."
Everyone started talking at once. The majority of them were angry, very angry. "Oh yeah, One more thing Chandler and Carle. My two favorite third cousins. You were both deprived of a lootings in life. A normal childhood for one and another siblings. And no Carle those thugs are NOT your siblings. Your mother married that jerk of a man after his first wife died. But that man is not you father. Your father is Charles Bing."
"EHHHHH?"
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAA…..?
"That is right, you are brother and sister. You both don't like each other. I mean you are both alike, your sense of humor, your restlessness, your anxieties, everything. I have talked to the both of you and I know that you and apart from each other you act the same as each other together, you act differently. You both know you are subconsciously. If you need proof, take a look at the birth certificate. And if you need more proof, take a DNA test."
The lawyer took the certificate to me. I looked down at it and my mind went blank. This can not BE happening. Carle jumped up and screamed when she saw the paper and went directly into 'Chandler' mode. OH NO, NO, NO! THAT is ONLY MY MODE! NO one else's! And I DO NOT have a sister! And It is not Carle!
"NO!!!!!!!! I CAN NOT BE A BING! NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!"
"I knew your mother was a slut when I married her, and I knew you weren't mine, you little bastard." Her so called father screamed at her. Carle sat there shaking.
"Don't YOU dare call my sister-in-law that!" Monica somehow jumped in front of Carle as if to protect her from that man's words.
"Let me guess, your husband knocked you up, that is why you both married him. Probably slipped you a roofer. You are way too pretty for him."
The next thing I knew all Hell broke loose, I attacked him, Carle attacked as well. It was five minutes later that I was sitting down with a rag over my lip to try and stop the blood.. Carle sat by me.
"Well, sis, thanks."
"No problem, bro." Carle took off the ice pack over her eye. She was sporting a huge bruise that already said that it would be black in a few hours.
Monica walked in. "Hey, Chandler, Carle, I was thinking."
"You were? Will wonders ever cease." Carle looked at Monica. "Oh, sorry, bad habit."
"She does have your sense of humor alright. Hey what are you going to do?"
"What do you mean?"
"What is going on Monica?" I asked my wife.
"Well. I think the both of you should get to know the other better."
"Don't you think one fight is enough?" Yup she was my sister. I did not know why I did not see it sooner.
"Come on, for me. Please! I want to get to know my sister in law better. Please!"
"I guess we can call each other." Carle stated.
"NO, Move in with us."
"You're nuts, there is NO way that is going to happen!" Carle screamed out.
But somehow it did. When Monica gets an idea, she will not under any circumstances let it go. SO Carle moved in with us for only a week. Which was increased to two which went to three then a month. Monica would not let her go. And before we knew it we ended up calling a truce of sorts. And we were on ok terms. In short while we became friends . Not brother and sister. But friends, until………..………
Do you want for me to continue? I still have more surprises for everyone.
Still don't own anything.
I got……well, I will inform ya of what else I got later. Or in a minute. I think I had better start from the beginning.
As I said we had bought a new house. Or were deeply in debt for the new house. But the inheritance was adequate enough to actually payoff the house. It happened while Monica was six and a half months pregnant.
Even with three paychecks. Mine, Joey's and mine. The first was from an advertising agency. Joey's when he did get jobs. He went back to the soaps and did a few commercials. He finally got cast playing Crispy Chicken on a commercial for Crispy Fingers, a fast food restaurant. A benefit that Joey loves is that he gets a bucket of chicken free each day. The other one for me is that I am now writing freelance for a newspaper.
Monica no longer works outside the home. She says that she has too much to do during the day. Trying to keep the house clean, laundry, and taking care of the babies. The care of the babies is six bottles a day at the least for each. Ten and sometimes more diaper changing a day. Baths, and even has to find time to play with them.
But now they are being toilet trained. And are showing improvement. But it is frustrating and hard work. We are glad that we are not using cloth diapers. And there is such a thing as Pull Ups. Helps out a lot more.
As I said before, I think that Daniel has a sadistic sense of humor to try and be as contrary as he can. I mean he is smart enough to now use the little potty, but I think loves to give us a hard time for fun. I say he is going through his terrible twos. Monica says it is because he has my genes. Without Monica knowing, 'that's my boy'!
Of course I have my part as well. Well, sometimes Phoebe and Rachel comes over to help, as well as Ross and Mike. Although they make every excuse they can to avoid us. But that is during the day. At night, it is me, Monica and Joey, when we can catch him around.
When Jack moved in, everything seemed to get easier for Monica. After Judy died, he felt that he needed to be around the kids a lot more. To try and help him out emotionally. And I believe that it did work. He felt that he was needed and even though he grieved, he took solace in his grandchildren and spent a lot of time with them and bonded with Monica as well.
He also insisted on paying a few bills like electric and such and buying diapers and some groceries. Joey paid the water bills as well as helped out with the groceries as well, and purchased some toys.
Interestingly, it seemed that he liked playing with them as well. And more times than naught, they were well too advanced for the babies to play with, like play station games. He just said that they were for them when they got older. But he had to make sure they worked right. Then again, maybe it would have been interesting if he didn't.
Monica was not as tired anymore and the house was kept up better. With both the pregnancy now. She was no longer sick, but was eating everything in sight. And well, between her and the babies, I never really got a good nights sleep for a while.
Speaking of the pregnancy. The second ultrasound when Monica was three months along was chocked full of information. One, unfortunately, Monica was right and the other, well this is what happened.
Monica was laying down on the table in the doctor's office again. With the gel on her stomach and what the doctor said, scared me to death.
"Well, everything looks okay. Want to know the sex?"
"Yes. It would help out with choosing the colors for the baby's room." Monica stated.
"Sure, why not." I added naively. What could it hurt. I soon found out.
"Well, let me see. One, two, and it looks like three girls."
"Girls, three little girls!" Monica had tears repelling down her checks. She then looked at me and smugly stated. "Told ya."
"Girls? ALL?" I was remembering what she said that day. 'Crushes and boyfriends, crushes and boyfriends, crushes and boyfriends.' The words were replaying in my head and I was feeling nauseous, getting a migraine and lightheaded all at once. "NOOOOOOO Not all girls! Were not you guys listening? I said Boys, NO girls!" I spoke to her stomach again. The doctor was now laughing out loud.
Monica laughed, "They ALL take after me!" After she said that I had a bad forbearance of what was coming my way. They would not listen to me one bit.
But I got some even more worse news from the doctor. "Don't worry, Mr. Bing, the fourth one is a son."
"Four? FOUR? FOUR!" I stood up fast, TOO FAST and I started to get dizzy and lightheaded, but not all from how quickly I stood up. "What do YOU mean four? Last time we were here you said THREE! NOT FOUR!"
"Chandler, please sit down and calm yourself!" Monica had grabbed hold of my arm and trying to get me to sit back down.
"But, but, but….we have NO room for four!" I was starting to feel even more scared than I used to hearing the C word. "We already have 3 Highchairs and three car seats and anything else three from the first three!"
"You mean to tell me that you have had three already and you wanted more?" The doctor trying to come to grips with this new bit of info. "And you took fertility drugs? The BOTH of you? Now I need to sit down."
"No, it was not like this at all." Monica started to explain trying to get me to sit down all the while. It was not working I was pacing so hard and fast that and grumbling, that she had given up. "We only wanted one more. And the first two were adopted, the fertility clinic told us that we could not have kids on our own. SO we adopted one or it was suppose to be one, but it turned out twins. And then I got pregnant with Daniel two months after they were born. And we decided on one more. So you know about the mix up involving the fertility drugs. And that is that. So you see, we really did not plan this."
"Oh, I see." The doctor shook his head for a minute, then smiled. "Would you mind if I wrote an article to the Journal of the American Medical Association about your case."
"OH NO you DON'T!" I turned toward him slowly. "We will not be a freak show for anything!"
"Anything more than you already are, huh?" I could not hold back my emotions anymore, so I ducked him. No ONE! And I mean NO ONE calls MY family that!!! "Uhbbb, wight maybee eww hd betr stawt gawn at awnutr dawctr." He quickly wrote a name and number down on a slip of paper and left the room.
Monica was almost in shock at what I did, but she soon got out of it. Took the keys from me and led me out. On the way home, I was just sitting there like nothing had happened. Just passively sitting there not worrying about babies. I believed that Monica was not pregnant and this was all a dream. Or just some slip of my sadistic imagination. In short I was in denial.
After we arrived home I walked around. I mean I was there, but not really. This was a dream. Nothing more nothing less. We already had three kids. There was no way there was going to be four more!
Of course Monica had called everybody over. They all sat around the huge front room and I stood to the side by the fireplace. Ignoring everything. This was just a dream nothing more. Just a dream. All present were Jack, Ross, Rachel, Emma, Joey, Phoebe, Mike, Little Jack, Erica and Daniel. The babies were on the floor playing with different toys. While the grownups sat on the sofas or chairs.
"New announcement everyone!" Monica was really excited. I was trying to cut myself off. "Phoebe, remember how I told you that we are tied for having three babies all at once?" 'no don't say it!, ignorance is bliss, ignorance is bliss.' "Well I am not!" Good, I KNEW that I misheard! "I BEAT YOU! I AM NOW HAVING FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!" It was right then and there I started grumbling.
"I KNEW that WE should have gone to a fertility clinic!!!!!!!!!" Phoebe glared at Mike.
"Four?" Mike backed away from a very angry wife.
"Unbelievable!" Ross could only spat out.
"NOT FAIR!" Phoebe kept wailing.
"I guess there will not be anymore." Jack stated.
"Over my dead body." I grumbled.
"WHOA, FOUR?" Joey stuttered out. "Hey, you still owe me. I want one of those babies named after me!"
"Fine. At least it goes with Bing."
"And I want to be the Godfather."
"Alright and before anyone says anything, you all will be Godparents. Ok?"
"YES!!!!!!!!" Joey had won a huge victory.
"Monica I love you. I mean hey you are my sister and best friend. But boy am I glad it is you and not me." Rachel then grinned. "Hey, it will never be me again!" She then grinned at the thought of no more babies.
"But, I want another!" Ross wailed.
"Well, you are NOT getting one. I am not going to go through the back pain, nor the sickness nor messing up my career. I mean I would be the one to carry the child not you. And I changed more diapers than you. And sat up more times than you. Put my career on hold and everything. So I get the last word."
Ross looked like he was going to cry. "But Rachel….." The look he received from her told it all. He gave into her. "Alright, fine Rachel." But I knew it would not be the last time he would try to get Rachel to agree to have another.
"Well, I bet you both are thankful that you both have a bigger house. At least it is big enough for that big of a family." Dad who was there for a visit stated wisely.
"Chandler, I will admit this only once, your father is right. At least you have enough room to look after the babies." Just then a toy cannon went off next door. 'Teddy' was giving a twenty one gun salute. For his fallen comrades in the war.
"What on earth was that?" Dad asked.
"Just a neighbor."
"Is he always like that?" Mom asked.
"Yeah, but he is harmless."
"But that was a cannon!"
"A toy cannon with nothing in it. Just enough powder for a blast. He points it toward trees on his property."
"Chandler, our neighbor's brother has just moved in."
"So he can not be as crazy as the others that are living there."
"He is a scientist that works at the chemical plant during the day, but at night, he is trying to change grass and rocks into gold and aluminum and glass into diamonds."
"But that can not be done! Just can not be done. Logically…."
"OK, so he is apart of that family. Mentally anyway."
"Well at least Lisa is somewhat normal." Mike started.
"Mike, she talks to her car and THINKS that it talks back to her!"
"But I thought that was the lady with the flowers!" Rachel started.
"No, that is her grandmother, Tilley. And to her the bushes not flowers are her husbands."
"Oh, I see, her husbands souls are now residing in the bushes!" Phoebe exclaimed. I think they both would get along dood together. I made a mental note to introduce them.
"Oh yeah."
"Who is driving the car?"
"Trudy. She is the oldest sister. Of the family."
"Is Teddy really the grandfather?"
"No, Lisa pretends that she is his oldest daughter, Alice, sometimes, then pretends that she is his granddaughter other times. In reality he is her uncle." Jack explained.
"There really are a bunch of coots living nearby, right?" Dad asked.
"They are not so bad when you get used to them. Just call Teddy, President Roosevelt and salute him. You know, play along. Stay away from the front of the car when Trudy is 'driving and do not on any circumstances dig or help to dig up the bushes. Tilley packs a mean and I MEAN wallop with a shovel." I explained.
"Lisa and Bradley are both harmless." Monica explained. "So it is pretty safe around here."
"Just don't dig up or bother the bushes." I mumbled.
"Lisa wanted to move them to another part of the yard." Monica told mom and dad, who did not know the whole story.
"Can you believe that it knocked Chandler out?" Ross laughed.
"Hey, I was out for two hours and had a concussion for two days after." I defended. "But, if you think that YOU can do better, the shovel is in the garage."
"Oh, look at the time! I have a faculty meeting in an hour. Congratulations. FOUR kids, I mean THREE daughters and a boy. Now you have seven kids. FIVE of which are GIRLS!!!! Think of all the boys that will be hanging around!!!!!" I slumped down muttering where no one could understand me.
"Thanks a lot Ross!" Monica grumbled.
It took a while, but I soon got my bearings once again. And soon after I finally was able to think of my kids again without quaking so much. Which really amazed me. As well as the others that were around me.
But now on to the video/will reading.
My third cousin had past away. The attorney had contacted me and about twenty others, to attend the last will and testament. Among those were her five kids, two daughters and three sons. The third son was from her second marriage.
One of the daughters was adopted and the only good one of the bunch. All she did was charity work for under privileged kids and volunteered at orphanages, ran a teenage house on the streets, she was also a Psychologist or counselor for them.
Her first husband that she divorced. Her second husband and his five kids from his first two previous marriages. Her two nephews, a sister, and the rest were her cousins. I did not get along with them what so ever. Although, everyone said my fifth cousin and I were a lot alike. Both were very cynical and sarcastic.
Her name was Carle A. De Catheter. She happened to be 3 years younger than me, which was 34. Five four. Chestnut hair and brown, almost golden eyes.
Going into the lawyers office, we bumped into each other. Neither one of us were TOOO thrilled to see the other.
"BING!" She gritted her teeth into a forced smile as her Texas accent made my last name somehow seem worse than it actually was.
"CATHETER!" I gritted my teeth as well.
"Chandler, who is this?" Monica asked.
"Monica, this is my fifth cousin, Carle De CATEHTER." I almost shouted out her last name.
"Oh, you ACTUALLY married him? Willingly? You have my pity." Her Texas accent was crisp and sassy.
Before I could say anything, a young lawyer got everyone's attention. We all sat down and started to watch the tape. "What is said on this tape goes." We should have known that this would be trouble. He then put the tape into the VCR. My third cousin came on.
'My fellow mooches, leeches and other parasites, lend me your ears." Everybody froze. "I thought that would get your attentions. Not on to the rat killings. To my first husband, I leave this thought that what is about to happen, you trained me well on. All the business are to be owned by the employees and no one of this family is going to run them. After all I have seen you run your lives into the ground. And I will not let you do that to those business. Those people need their jobs and I will not have anyone out of work. But don't worry I will leave something to you."
"My first son, since you LOVE my cars, I will leave one to you. The one that is up on blocks in the yard. Hope you enjoy it, it is a classic, after all." That left her son with his mouth hanging open and a dumb expression left on his face. Carle started chuckling.
"My second son, you are being left with a plane ticket and a bed to stay at the gambler's rehab in Las Vegas Nevada. And if you complete and actually do not gamble anymore, I will leave you the sum of $1000 to be paid to you five years after you leave, if you fail, one poker chip. And the money will go to the rehabilitation place as a contribution."
Carle and I looked at each other, "He'll fail." We both busted out laughing.
"My daughter, I TOLD you NOT TO marry that snake salesman! I will leave you a book of Romeo and Juliet. Since you married that jerk. Love until the end of time? I don't think so. I mean how many times has cheated on you? You run home tome and then he somehow talks you back. Well, not anymore. Because you are being left with NO money. Nothing." Her husband got up and left and she ran after him.
"My second daughter. You said you wanted nothing. Well I am going to follow your wishes. You will get nothing alright, except the house, but it must be turned into an orphanage." She started crying. "Don't cry, you were a very good girl and I respect you above all others. The only thing I ask you to do is to take in your youngest brother and look after him. You will do a good job with him. After he gets out on his own, it can be college or starting his own business, he will get $2500. That is a lot more than I got when I started out."
"Chandler Bing. After all you have been through, you never once asked for money from your parents or anything. You will get $100,000. That should help you and your family. Carle De Catheter, you will get $5000. And the rest of the money is going to different charities and so forth."
"To my last husband and his clan, nothing. I Know what you were after and the answer is no. No money or anything else."
Everyone started talking at once. The majority of them were angry, very angry. "Oh yeah, One more thing Chandler and Carle. My two favorite third cousins. You were both deprived of a lootings in life. A normal childhood for one and another siblings. And no Carle those thugs are NOT your siblings. Your mother married that jerk of a man after his first wife died. But that man is not you father. Your father is Charles Bing."
"EHHHHH?"
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAA…..?
"That is right, you are brother and sister. You both don't like each other. I mean you are both alike, your sense of humor, your restlessness, your anxieties, everything. I have talked to the both of you and I know that you and apart from each other you act the same as each other together, you act differently. You both know you are subconsciously. If you need proof, take a look at the birth certificate. And if you need more proof, take a DNA test."
The lawyer took the certificate to me. I looked down at it and my mind went blank. This can not BE happening. Carle jumped up and screamed when she saw the paper and went directly into 'Chandler' mode. OH NO, NO, NO! THAT is ONLY MY MODE! NO one else's! And I DO NOT have a sister! And It is not Carle!
"NO!!!!!!!! I CAN NOT BE A BING! NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!"
"I knew your mother was a slut when I married her, and I knew you weren't mine, you little bastard." Her so called father screamed at her. Carle sat there shaking.
"Don't YOU dare call my sister-in-law that!" Monica somehow jumped in front of Carle as if to protect her from that man's words.
"Let me guess, your husband knocked you up, that is why you both married him. Probably slipped you a roofer. You are way too pretty for him."
The next thing I knew all Hell broke loose, I attacked him, Carle attacked as well. It was five minutes later that I was sitting down with a rag over my lip to try and stop the blood.. Carle sat by me.
"Well, sis, thanks."
"No problem, bro." Carle took off the ice pack over her eye. She was sporting a huge bruise that already said that it would be black in a few hours.
Monica walked in. "Hey, Chandler, Carle, I was thinking."
"You were? Will wonders ever cease." Carle looked at Monica. "Oh, sorry, bad habit."
"She does have your sense of humor alright. Hey what are you going to do?"
"What do you mean?"
"What is going on Monica?" I asked my wife.
"Well. I think the both of you should get to know the other better."
"Don't you think one fight is enough?" Yup she was my sister. I did not know why I did not see it sooner.
"Come on, for me. Please! I want to get to know my sister in law better. Please!"
"I guess we can call each other." Carle stated.
"NO, Move in with us."
"You're nuts, there is NO way that is going to happen!" Carle screamed out.
But somehow it did. When Monica gets an idea, she will not under any circumstances let it go. SO Carle moved in with us for only a week. Which was increased to two which went to three then a month. Monica would not let her go. And before we knew it we ended up calling a truce of sorts. And we were on ok terms. In short while we became friends . Not brother and sister. But friends, until………..………
Do you want for me to continue? I still have more surprises for everyone.