Make it All Make Sense (Chapter 4)
Here it is... give me a little review!!!
~Natalie~
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Elizabeth woke with the lazy sun peering over the horizon. It was another day. Another day without Mark. She sighed and rolled over, so she wouldn't have to look at the sun.
Elizabeth was tired. Not literally, but figuratively. She was tired of feeling helpless, tired of feeling hopeless, she was tired of feeling. Period. She was just tired of feeling.
She desperately wished that she could go back to the time when she felt nothing, when she didn't know if she could feel. When she was just a body floating thorough space and life with no apparent purpose. But Mark had awakened her, in every sense of the word. When she was with Mark, she was alive, she felt it. When before, she couldn't even tell if she truly was alive, or if it was just an illusion her mind created.
Mark had changed her.
But she was tired of never being happy, of never being satisfied. She was tired of the hole in her heart that constantly ached and begged to be filled. She was tired of the lonely nights and sullen days. She was tired of her soul crying out for someone to hold on to. She was tired of her spirit lagging, and her mind being unable to concentrate. She was tired of feeling as though she felt nothing.
Because, she did. She felt everything; in volumes she felt pain, sorrow, grief and sadness. She felt all those things, yet at the same time, it was as though she couldn't feel anything. These emotions had left her so empty inside that she wasn't sure they truly existed save for the excruciating pain she felt in the depths of her soul as she lay alone at night.
Elizabeth was tired of being empty.
She thought she could fill the void with thoughts of Mark, but the temporality of this fulfillment became to be not nearly enough. She needed more, she wanted more. She had convinced herself that after Mark's death her life was over, but she had forgotten that she had to go on living. And she couldn't live like this: from day to day, wondering when it's going to be over, when the pain will subside.
She had to make the pain subside. Or so she thought. That would be the only way to put an end to the hopelessness that invaded her being every day, and the depression that pervaded her soul every night.
But she didn't know how to make the pain subside. How could she make her life right again? She couldn't replace Mark, she knew that. He was her kindred spirit, her soul mate.
Sometimes, in her darkest dreams, she wished she'd never learned what it was to be in love and have that love returned.
Maybe then she wouldn't be so empty inside. Maybe then she wouldn't be so hurt. Maybe then she'd be okay.
But she wasn't. She wasn't okay, she was hurt and she was empty inside.
She had to find a way to make it end.
But, for the time being, she had to go to work. She begrudgingly got out of bed and prepared for another day at County General.
She entered the hospital with chaos surrounding her, a situation to which she had become accustomed to over the years. The chaos used to excite her, used to make her work with such fervor. But now, it did nothing for her. It was just a part of the job that had to be dealt with.
Because the truth was: Mark's death had changed her outlook on everything. So much so that she couldn't function properly any longer. There wasn't a day that had gone by where she hadn't thought of him, and occasionally, though she hated to admit it, she hated him. She hated him for leaving her alone like this, suffering.
She headed up to the surgical floor and entered the lounge. Robert Romano was sitting there reading the paper.
She considered him for a moment. He was her only friend. He was the only one that cared about her; he was the only one that gave a damn about her life. She remembered a time when she'd hated him, despised the man to no end. But, somehow, things had changed, and he had become her friend, and she, his.
She smiled at him softly as he looked up. He stared at her concernedly "Morning Lizzie, how are you?"
She gave a small smile and answered him: "I'm fine." She lied.
"No, Elizabeth, I really mean it: how are you?"
He knew her so well. "I'm all right, no better, no worse." She answered again, honestly this time.
"Thank you." He said simply.
This confused her, and she looked at him questioningly "Thank you for what?"
"For confiding in me." He replied. She looked puzzled, still, and said "You're welcome."
He put the paper down and looked at her. "I know how hard it is for you to do that." He said tenderly.
At this, she came and sat down across from him at the table. She was about to speak, but he continued: "We're the same type of people, Elizabeth. Both of us were taught to be strong at an early age, to be independent. We were taught that it was never okay to cry, and more importantly never okay to let anyone else see us cry."
She looked at him. He was right, of course. She had been taught to do that. Even though Mark had changed her, he hadn't been able to erase completely that which she had been taught so early on.
Romano continued "But, Elizabeth, you must know by the fact that I'm speaking this openly, that you never have to be ashamed to cry in front of me, and you never have to think twice before confiding in me. I will always be here for you." He said "Always."
Tears began to form in her eyes, as she reached and gently grasped his hand. She tried to form words, but they would not come.
"You don't have to say it, Elizabeth. I know that's hard for you, too."
She smiled and squeezed his hand "Thank you." She said in a voice so small she hardly recognized it. "Thank you, Robert." She said looking into his eyes. She had so often seen coldness there before, bitterness of a stubborn, powerful man, but now, all she saw was tenderness.
She wondered when he had become her confidant, but decided that it didn't matter. She had told him everything: how she was feeling about Mark, the pain she felt inside, and he had listened. And even further, he had understood. She wouldn't have believed such a feat years ago, but now, the man sitting before her, was kind. He was a friend.
He understood her.
It seemed so amazing to her. As a little girl, she had always believed that no one could understand her. As a teenager, she became convinced of the fact that no one would ever understand her. She had come to terms with her, though somewhere inside, she had always secretly longed for someone to understand the depths of her soul.
Mark had understood.
But, even so, she had always felt as though there were this small corner of who she was that Mark would never be able to understand, that he could never comprehend what she felt so deep inside. And she didn't think that he ever had, but she had accepted that. Because Mark understood her more than anyone she had ever met.
But now, sitting here with Robert Romano, she became aware of the fact that he understood her wholly. He understood why she felt what she did, and why she acted the way that she did.
It scared her that the light had been shed on her dark corner, but she was relieved. She had a friend. And even more so, she had a friend that understood her completely.
She didn't need to explain to Robert what she was feeling, because she felt as though he already knew. As though he could see into her soul. The numbness that pervaded her soul still existed, and she was frightened that he knew it. And when she chanced another look in his eyes, she was sure of it.
Suddenly, she thought of a way to ease the pain.
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To Be Continued.
So... give me a REVIEW, kay? Kay. Thanks!!!
Everyone, hope I pass my AP English Lit Exam tomorrow (May 6th, 2004)... it's worth 6 college units... I need a three on it. But my English teacher says she'll be surprised if I get anything less than a 4, so let's all hope I don't disappoint her, kay? Thanks!
~Natalie~
Here it is... give me a little review!!!
~Natalie~
***********************************************
Elizabeth woke with the lazy sun peering over the horizon. It was another day. Another day without Mark. She sighed and rolled over, so she wouldn't have to look at the sun.
Elizabeth was tired. Not literally, but figuratively. She was tired of feeling helpless, tired of feeling hopeless, she was tired of feeling. Period. She was just tired of feeling.
She desperately wished that she could go back to the time when she felt nothing, when she didn't know if she could feel. When she was just a body floating thorough space and life with no apparent purpose. But Mark had awakened her, in every sense of the word. When she was with Mark, she was alive, she felt it. When before, she couldn't even tell if she truly was alive, or if it was just an illusion her mind created.
Mark had changed her.
But she was tired of never being happy, of never being satisfied. She was tired of the hole in her heart that constantly ached and begged to be filled. She was tired of the lonely nights and sullen days. She was tired of her soul crying out for someone to hold on to. She was tired of her spirit lagging, and her mind being unable to concentrate. She was tired of feeling as though she felt nothing.
Because, she did. She felt everything; in volumes she felt pain, sorrow, grief and sadness. She felt all those things, yet at the same time, it was as though she couldn't feel anything. These emotions had left her so empty inside that she wasn't sure they truly existed save for the excruciating pain she felt in the depths of her soul as she lay alone at night.
Elizabeth was tired of being empty.
She thought she could fill the void with thoughts of Mark, but the temporality of this fulfillment became to be not nearly enough. She needed more, she wanted more. She had convinced herself that after Mark's death her life was over, but she had forgotten that she had to go on living. And she couldn't live like this: from day to day, wondering when it's going to be over, when the pain will subside.
She had to make the pain subside. Or so she thought. That would be the only way to put an end to the hopelessness that invaded her being every day, and the depression that pervaded her soul every night.
But she didn't know how to make the pain subside. How could she make her life right again? She couldn't replace Mark, she knew that. He was her kindred spirit, her soul mate.
Sometimes, in her darkest dreams, she wished she'd never learned what it was to be in love and have that love returned.
Maybe then she wouldn't be so empty inside. Maybe then she wouldn't be so hurt. Maybe then she'd be okay.
But she wasn't. She wasn't okay, she was hurt and she was empty inside.
She had to find a way to make it end.
But, for the time being, she had to go to work. She begrudgingly got out of bed and prepared for another day at County General.
She entered the hospital with chaos surrounding her, a situation to which she had become accustomed to over the years. The chaos used to excite her, used to make her work with such fervor. But now, it did nothing for her. It was just a part of the job that had to be dealt with.
Because the truth was: Mark's death had changed her outlook on everything. So much so that she couldn't function properly any longer. There wasn't a day that had gone by where she hadn't thought of him, and occasionally, though she hated to admit it, she hated him. She hated him for leaving her alone like this, suffering.
She headed up to the surgical floor and entered the lounge. Robert Romano was sitting there reading the paper.
She considered him for a moment. He was her only friend. He was the only one that cared about her; he was the only one that gave a damn about her life. She remembered a time when she'd hated him, despised the man to no end. But, somehow, things had changed, and he had become her friend, and she, his.
She smiled at him softly as he looked up. He stared at her concernedly "Morning Lizzie, how are you?"
She gave a small smile and answered him: "I'm fine." She lied.
"No, Elizabeth, I really mean it: how are you?"
He knew her so well. "I'm all right, no better, no worse." She answered again, honestly this time.
"Thank you." He said simply.
This confused her, and she looked at him questioningly "Thank you for what?"
"For confiding in me." He replied. She looked puzzled, still, and said "You're welcome."
He put the paper down and looked at her. "I know how hard it is for you to do that." He said tenderly.
At this, she came and sat down across from him at the table. She was about to speak, but he continued: "We're the same type of people, Elizabeth. Both of us were taught to be strong at an early age, to be independent. We were taught that it was never okay to cry, and more importantly never okay to let anyone else see us cry."
She looked at him. He was right, of course. She had been taught to do that. Even though Mark had changed her, he hadn't been able to erase completely that which she had been taught so early on.
Romano continued "But, Elizabeth, you must know by the fact that I'm speaking this openly, that you never have to be ashamed to cry in front of me, and you never have to think twice before confiding in me. I will always be here for you." He said "Always."
Tears began to form in her eyes, as she reached and gently grasped his hand. She tried to form words, but they would not come.
"You don't have to say it, Elizabeth. I know that's hard for you, too."
She smiled and squeezed his hand "Thank you." She said in a voice so small she hardly recognized it. "Thank you, Robert." She said looking into his eyes. She had so often seen coldness there before, bitterness of a stubborn, powerful man, but now, all she saw was tenderness.
She wondered when he had become her confidant, but decided that it didn't matter. She had told him everything: how she was feeling about Mark, the pain she felt inside, and he had listened. And even further, he had understood. She wouldn't have believed such a feat years ago, but now, the man sitting before her, was kind. He was a friend.
He understood her.
It seemed so amazing to her. As a little girl, she had always believed that no one could understand her. As a teenager, she became convinced of the fact that no one would ever understand her. She had come to terms with her, though somewhere inside, she had always secretly longed for someone to understand the depths of her soul.
Mark had understood.
But, even so, she had always felt as though there were this small corner of who she was that Mark would never be able to understand, that he could never comprehend what she felt so deep inside. And she didn't think that he ever had, but she had accepted that. Because Mark understood her more than anyone she had ever met.
But now, sitting here with Robert Romano, she became aware of the fact that he understood her wholly. He understood why she felt what she did, and why she acted the way that she did.
It scared her that the light had been shed on her dark corner, but she was relieved. She had a friend. And even more so, she had a friend that understood her completely.
She didn't need to explain to Robert what she was feeling, because she felt as though he already knew. As though he could see into her soul. The numbness that pervaded her soul still existed, and she was frightened that he knew it. And when she chanced another look in his eyes, she was sure of it.
Suddenly, she thought of a way to ease the pain.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------
To Be Continued.
So... give me a REVIEW, kay? Kay. Thanks!!!
Everyone, hope I pass my AP English Lit Exam tomorrow (May 6th, 2004)... it's worth 6 college units... I need a three on it. But my English teacher says she'll be surprised if I get anything less than a 4, so let's all hope I don't disappoint her, kay? Thanks!
~Natalie~