Title: My Angel
Author: Luisa
Email: leyjdhotmail.com
Pairing: Giles/Buffy Friendship
Rating: I'm assuming PG for angst
Warnings: Little bit angsty, this one... but in a nice way.
Distribution: Dword, Dee, TL... all my usual archives. Anyone else, who wants it, just let me know where!
Summary: Takes place a few days after "Dead Things". Buffy receives an unexpected 'phone call. As far as I'm concerned, Joss forgot to put this scene in, and the Buffy-verse consequently got screwed up. So, I'm putting it right. ;-)
Spoilers: Up through "Dead Things" S6
Disclaimer: Not mine although I wish they were. All I own is an overactive imagination. The ingenious invention of the Buffy-Verse belongs to Joss, Fox, ME and co. "Footprints" has been claimed by many people, but ownership has never been proven. If you want to read one of the many versions of it, you can do so at my other site http:www.justfaith.co.uk/images/Footprints.htm
Feedback: it's like oxygen.........
Notes: Emphasis [Thoughts]
Thanks: To My JJ for the inspiration, to Angela for the quick beta and to Asht for the final polish.
"H-Hello?"
She couldn't help the sudden stutter. The shock that he was calling was too overwhelming. With a small gasp she collapsed into the nearest chair, repeating her tentative greeting. "H-hello? Giles?"
Her voice wavered as she spoke his name and from the comfort of his sitting room, Giles frowned slightly in concern.
"Buffy? Is everything okay?"
"I..." Her eyes watering, the Slayer found herself suddenly gulping down air.
"Buffy?"
That soft, warm voice filled with concern and tenderness soothed her and she drew a deep breath before answering. "I'm... every... everything's good."
Hearing the slight shakiness still in her voice, his frown deepened. "Are you certain?"
Guilt consuming her, she could only murmur a quiet, "Uh-huh."
"So there's nothing you wish to tell me?" He fought down the urge to tell her he already knew.
Silenced echoed down the line.
For a moment, Giles thought he'd lost the connection. Then he heard her reply in a voice so small, he knew she was fighting back tears.
"There's something wrong with me."
He waited a moment longer, giving her time to compose herself. Eventually, he spoke again in that same comforting voice. "Do you want to talk about it?"
She chewed her bottom lip as she considered his question, the motion intensifying as she felt a familiar ache settle in her stomach. Eventually, she released her lip and sighed softly, wiping the silent tears away with the back of her hand. "Not really." She settled more comfortably into the armchair, curling her feet under her. "Can we...uh... can we maybe talk about you for a while, instead?"
He held a silent debate with himself for a brief moment before answering. "What would you like to know?"
"Anything. Everything." Glad to break away from her cares for the time being, she settled into her subject. "I don't mind. What have you been up to? How's England? Tell me about your house... about your friends. Just... talk to me, Giles. Please. I've missed hearing your voice." The confession escaped before she could stop it.
If they'd been in the same room at that moment, she would have noticed a distinct blush flame into being on Giles' neck and cheeks. As it was, the sudden hitch in his breathing spoke volumes.
"I - I'm sorry, Giles. I've got no right... I don't mean to make you feel guilty."
"No, Buffy, don't think..." He swallowed hard as he corrected her. "I miss you too. Very much."
"Oh."
He could almost hear the small smile of relief creeping onto her lips.
"So... you want to hear about England? Well, it's wet." He chuckled, throwing a glance to the rain-patterned window. "I'd forgotten just how wet it could get over here - particularly in this region. Not that I mind. There's nothing quite like a good old downpour to blow away the cobwebs, don't you think? It's so..." He cast around for the right adjective, smiling as he found it and reeled it in. "Refreshing."
She grinned down the 'phone at him. "You Brits are so weird. No-one else would say they like rain." She too, glanced outside, unable to see it from where she sat, yet aware of the nearly full moon shining down on the earth from a clear, diamond-studded sky.
"Ah - but that's the beauty of it. Rain is like... like pain, I suppose."
Even from the other side of the world he was aware of her wincing at his choice of words, yet he continued, suddenly realising this was what she needed to hear.
"It's not something we would wish for... but it's something we need. We need to go through the dark times so that we can come out the other side. There are so many lessons that need to be learned in life and sometimes, pain is the only way to discover them. Rain cleanses. It brings life, it brings hope, it restores. Pain is the same."
He paused thoughtfully for a second, before adding, "There's a religious poem about suffering. The closing lines suggest that God carries us through our pain. I'm not saying believe that, necessarily - but I do agree that where there is someone hurting, there is always someone willing to carry them. Just as when you're walking in the rain and you don't want to get wet, you take an umbrella to shelter you. For, you see, it doesn't matter whether you like it or not, it still rains... and nature soaks it up. When the rain has stopped, you notice that all the colours of creation are that bit brighter than before. So..."
He paused once more, wondering how to return to his original comment without it seeming forced. In the end, he just shrugged into the 'phone.
"Yes... I mean no... I have no problem with it raining. I suppose I'll just have to accept that I'm a 'weird Brit'." He grinned, hoping that she'd react. Instead, there was silence.
"Giles?" She finally whispered.
Pain surged through him at the desperate tone of her voice and he found himself whispering, too, in reply. "Yes, Buffy?"
"Will you carry me?"
His heart swelled in his chest and he couldn't stop the tears that sprang to his eyes, even if he fought tooth and nail. "Always."
A sob broke free at his gentle reassurance and suddenly she longed to tell him everything and have him make it all better. "I...I need to tell you something, Giles. A-and I need you to not hate me right now... 'cause what I need most is... is you to do that carrying thing."
"Okay." He smiled encouragingly into the receiver, wishing for a fleeting moment that she could see his smile.
"I... um... when I came back... I... I think... I came back wrong."
He remained silent, waiting patiently for her to explain.
"I... Spike... he... he..." She heaved a deep, painful breath. "He can hit me. His chip... it works on other people... humans... but... but not on me. So... I can't be human anymore." Another sob erupted from deep within her. "He... he told me that I'm wrong... that I'm full of darkness, like him... and... and I don't know anything any more." She wiped at the fresh tears coursing down her cheeks. "I... I let him..." She couldn't complete the sentence, the ache in her soul growing until it consumed her.
Across the ocean, Giles felt his heart bleed for her as he became aware of the words her silence spoke.
"Buffy." Against his will, his voice cracked.
"I wanted to lose the darkness. I wanted to be whole. I wanted to feel. Then... Tara said... but... it's too late."
"Oh, Buffy." His voice was filled with sadness as he took in the enormity of what he was - and wasn't - hearing.
"I don't know what to do, Giles. I don't know what I am... or, or who I am." Suddenly she wished he was there with her, taking her into his arms. Her voice dropped once more to a whisper.
"Help me?"
"Of course."
His warm voice enveloped her and she closed her eyes, imagining him there with her.
"But, Buffy, you need to know... Spike was wrong. You're no more full of darkness than he is of light."
Her eyes snapped open, releasing unshed tears. "What do you -?"
"Tara." He drew in a long breath, preparing himself for her reaction. "She asked me to look into your... predicament. She wanted to know how she - we - could help. Please don't be angry with her."
"Angry?" More tears fell. "What...? Why...? I-I'm not angry. I'm just... I'm amazed that... that you guys care about me so much."
"More than you realise."
His low, gentle comment sent a tiny shiver down her spine.
"So, did you...?"
"Yes."
"And...?"
Another tear trickled over her cheekbone and she held her breath as she anticipated his answer.
"And you are not evil - as I already knew. Neither are you dark. You're perfect."
"Are you sure?"
"I am absolutely, positively, certain."
"Oh, thank God."
This time she didn't even try to stop the tears raining down her face and onto her top. "So I'm normal?"
Giles took a big gulp of air and squeezed his eyes shut nervously. "Uh... well... I wouldn't say 'normal' is the right word."
Unaware of the slight tensing of his voice, she allowed herself a small sniffly giggle.
"Okay - I admit I've never exactly been 'normal', but..."
"No, I mean... you're perfect."
She shook her head in confusion but before she could ask, he was answering her question.
"When you... died," he choked the word out, swallowing hard against the onslaught of painful memories invading his mind and forced himself to continue. "You went home... to heaven. I've always known that you are full of light and the knowledge of where you went is proof of that. It was not only your reward, but your destiny to return to a place full of only goodness."
He stood up and began pacing the room while he spoke.
"And that word, right there, is the very cause of all of... this." He gestured to the empty room. "Goodness. Purity. Perfection."
He walked over to the window and stared out at the still-pouring rain, wondering how to explain his discoveries. He'd practiced several times over breakfast, each time imagining that he would be explaining it all to Tara. Now the rules changed. With Buffy, they always did. With a soft sigh, he raised a hand to the cool glass.
"It is my understanding that heaven will accept no evilness, not even slight flaws... and that is where our problems begin. You see, Buffy, as humans, we do have flaws. Big or small, they are in each and every one of us. Where these flaws occur in our lives, how they affect us... they are the things that make us unique... human. When the body... dies... the soul either ascends or descends, whichever is appropriate... and at that point, those flaws stay or go."
"So...?" She felt a lump form in her throat as he continued to talk in a strangely calm voice.
"So, should the soul arrive at heaven, all the flaws, the weaknesses, the imperfections... they are stripped away. They're erased completely and the soul is returned to its most pure form. The state of the soul then, cannot be reversed but for a willing disobedience to goodness. Do you understand what I'm saying, Buffy?"
"I..." Her breath caught behind the lump, and she realised belatedly that the tears had stopped. "I'm not sure."
"In simple terms, Buffy, you have the soul of an Angel. When you went, your spirit was restored. Every imperfection that makes you human was wiped clean - gone forever. So, you see, it wasn't returning to this plane that changed you; it was leaving it."
"I... I... I..." She stumbled over her tongue, trying to get her head around what he was saying. Her mind suddenly latched onto something. "But - what about Spike? That still doesn't explain..."
"He didn't know. He just used assumed the worst and used that so-called knowledge to his advantage. We know he can fight demons and darkness - we've all witnessed it. I'm guessing the reason that he couldn't attack humans is that the chip was specifically designed to recognise the tarnished souls. A demon is full of darkness - it is an empty, impure vessel - totally and utterly imperfect in every way. The chip's 'radar' doesn't pick up on those completely imperfect beings and my theory is that it doesn't recognise completely perfect souls either."
Curiosity getting the better of her, Buffy injected a sudden question into the conversation.
"But, what about Angel? He has a soul."
Giles shook his head, finally turning away from the glass and wandering back to his seat.
"It doesn't matter. Soul or no soul, he is a vampire - and as you know a vampire is a demon. Even when he has good intentions, the complete impurity of the demon will always be stronger than the slightly flawed soul. Until he is fully human - which we both know isn't possible - the demon will never leave him."
"So, what you're saying, is..." Her voice trembled once more.
"Is that yes, your essence has changed... but not for the worse. Be wary of Spike, Buffy... and don't let him convince you that you are full of anything but light." He pulled his glasses off with his free hand, absently rubbing his forehead with his palm. "You are truly perfect, Buffy, and don't you forget it... and for what it's worth... in my eyes, you are more perfect than you were before."
She couldn't help but burst into relieved tears as his sweet words filled her heart with a warmth that she'd been missing for so long. She heard his concerned voice sound down the line and smiled through her tears.
"Buffy? Are you okay?"
"Uh-huh. My ear's getting wet and this is a lot to take in, but I'm... well, I'm better than I have been in a long time."
"I'm glad to hear it." The concern gave way to a warm smile of reassurance once more.
"Seriously. It's been so long since I've felt like this... and... well, it's you. It's always you that pulls me through. How do you do it?"
The smile grew.
"I carry you."
Silence lingered for one final time, as each reflected on the revelations that had been shared.
"Giles?"
He felt his heart expand in response to the hopeful note in her voice.
"Yes, Buffy."
"Would you... I mean... if... if you want, would you come home? I know it doesn't rain here as much, but... if you like, I'll put the hose on."
He let out a hearty laugh at her request, listening as she giggled a little, too. When the laughter had subsided, he replied.
"That sounds... like a wonderful idea."
"Really?"
"Yes, really." He chuckled again. "Now, I suggest you go and get a good night's sleep and I shall start packing."
"Okay."
She stood and made her way back to the 'phone cradle.
"See you soon?"
"See you soon," he affirmed.
"Oh and Giles?"
"Mm-hmm?"
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
As he heard the click of her phone being disconnected, he noticed the fading sound of rain dying. Turning back to the window, he watched in peaceful silence as the sun appeared and smiled to himself.
"My angel."
Author: Luisa
Email: leyjdhotmail.com
Pairing: Giles/Buffy Friendship
Rating: I'm assuming PG for angst
Warnings: Little bit angsty, this one... but in a nice way.
Distribution: Dword, Dee, TL... all my usual archives. Anyone else, who wants it, just let me know where!
Summary: Takes place a few days after "Dead Things". Buffy receives an unexpected 'phone call. As far as I'm concerned, Joss forgot to put this scene in, and the Buffy-verse consequently got screwed up. So, I'm putting it right. ;-)
Spoilers: Up through "Dead Things" S6
Disclaimer: Not mine although I wish they were. All I own is an overactive imagination. The ingenious invention of the Buffy-Verse belongs to Joss, Fox, ME and co. "Footprints" has been claimed by many people, but ownership has never been proven. If you want to read one of the many versions of it, you can do so at my other site http:www.justfaith.co.uk/images/Footprints.htm
Feedback: it's like oxygen.........
Notes: Emphasis [Thoughts]
Thanks: To My JJ for the inspiration, to Angela for the quick beta and to Asht for the final polish.
"H-Hello?"
She couldn't help the sudden stutter. The shock that he was calling was too overwhelming. With a small gasp she collapsed into the nearest chair, repeating her tentative greeting. "H-hello? Giles?"
Her voice wavered as she spoke his name and from the comfort of his sitting room, Giles frowned slightly in concern.
"Buffy? Is everything okay?"
"I..." Her eyes watering, the Slayer found herself suddenly gulping down air.
"Buffy?"
That soft, warm voice filled with concern and tenderness soothed her and she drew a deep breath before answering. "I'm... every... everything's good."
Hearing the slight shakiness still in her voice, his frown deepened. "Are you certain?"
Guilt consuming her, she could only murmur a quiet, "Uh-huh."
"So there's nothing you wish to tell me?" He fought down the urge to tell her he already knew.
Silenced echoed down the line.
For a moment, Giles thought he'd lost the connection. Then he heard her reply in a voice so small, he knew she was fighting back tears.
"There's something wrong with me."
He waited a moment longer, giving her time to compose herself. Eventually, he spoke again in that same comforting voice. "Do you want to talk about it?"
She chewed her bottom lip as she considered his question, the motion intensifying as she felt a familiar ache settle in her stomach. Eventually, she released her lip and sighed softly, wiping the silent tears away with the back of her hand. "Not really." She settled more comfortably into the armchair, curling her feet under her. "Can we...uh... can we maybe talk about you for a while, instead?"
He held a silent debate with himself for a brief moment before answering. "What would you like to know?"
"Anything. Everything." Glad to break away from her cares for the time being, she settled into her subject. "I don't mind. What have you been up to? How's England? Tell me about your house... about your friends. Just... talk to me, Giles. Please. I've missed hearing your voice." The confession escaped before she could stop it.
If they'd been in the same room at that moment, she would have noticed a distinct blush flame into being on Giles' neck and cheeks. As it was, the sudden hitch in his breathing spoke volumes.
"I - I'm sorry, Giles. I've got no right... I don't mean to make you feel guilty."
"No, Buffy, don't think..." He swallowed hard as he corrected her. "I miss you too. Very much."
"Oh."
He could almost hear the small smile of relief creeping onto her lips.
"So... you want to hear about England? Well, it's wet." He chuckled, throwing a glance to the rain-patterned window. "I'd forgotten just how wet it could get over here - particularly in this region. Not that I mind. There's nothing quite like a good old downpour to blow away the cobwebs, don't you think? It's so..." He cast around for the right adjective, smiling as he found it and reeled it in. "Refreshing."
She grinned down the 'phone at him. "You Brits are so weird. No-one else would say they like rain." She too, glanced outside, unable to see it from where she sat, yet aware of the nearly full moon shining down on the earth from a clear, diamond-studded sky.
"Ah - but that's the beauty of it. Rain is like... like pain, I suppose."
Even from the other side of the world he was aware of her wincing at his choice of words, yet he continued, suddenly realising this was what she needed to hear.
"It's not something we would wish for... but it's something we need. We need to go through the dark times so that we can come out the other side. There are so many lessons that need to be learned in life and sometimes, pain is the only way to discover them. Rain cleanses. It brings life, it brings hope, it restores. Pain is the same."
He paused thoughtfully for a second, before adding, "There's a religious poem about suffering. The closing lines suggest that God carries us through our pain. I'm not saying believe that, necessarily - but I do agree that where there is someone hurting, there is always someone willing to carry them. Just as when you're walking in the rain and you don't want to get wet, you take an umbrella to shelter you. For, you see, it doesn't matter whether you like it or not, it still rains... and nature soaks it up. When the rain has stopped, you notice that all the colours of creation are that bit brighter than before. So..."
He paused once more, wondering how to return to his original comment without it seeming forced. In the end, he just shrugged into the 'phone.
"Yes... I mean no... I have no problem with it raining. I suppose I'll just have to accept that I'm a 'weird Brit'." He grinned, hoping that she'd react. Instead, there was silence.
"Giles?" She finally whispered.
Pain surged through him at the desperate tone of her voice and he found himself whispering, too, in reply. "Yes, Buffy?"
"Will you carry me?"
His heart swelled in his chest and he couldn't stop the tears that sprang to his eyes, even if he fought tooth and nail. "Always."
A sob broke free at his gentle reassurance and suddenly she longed to tell him everything and have him make it all better. "I...I need to tell you something, Giles. A-and I need you to not hate me right now... 'cause what I need most is... is you to do that carrying thing."
"Okay." He smiled encouragingly into the receiver, wishing for a fleeting moment that she could see his smile.
"I... um... when I came back... I... I think... I came back wrong."
He remained silent, waiting patiently for her to explain.
"I... Spike... he... he..." She heaved a deep, painful breath. "He can hit me. His chip... it works on other people... humans... but... but not on me. So... I can't be human anymore." Another sob erupted from deep within her. "He... he told me that I'm wrong... that I'm full of darkness, like him... and... and I don't know anything any more." She wiped at the fresh tears coursing down her cheeks. "I... I let him..." She couldn't complete the sentence, the ache in her soul growing until it consumed her.
Across the ocean, Giles felt his heart bleed for her as he became aware of the words her silence spoke.
"Buffy." Against his will, his voice cracked.
"I wanted to lose the darkness. I wanted to be whole. I wanted to feel. Then... Tara said... but... it's too late."
"Oh, Buffy." His voice was filled with sadness as he took in the enormity of what he was - and wasn't - hearing.
"I don't know what to do, Giles. I don't know what I am... or, or who I am." Suddenly she wished he was there with her, taking her into his arms. Her voice dropped once more to a whisper.
"Help me?"
"Of course."
His warm voice enveloped her and she closed her eyes, imagining him there with her.
"But, Buffy, you need to know... Spike was wrong. You're no more full of darkness than he is of light."
Her eyes snapped open, releasing unshed tears. "What do you -?"
"Tara." He drew in a long breath, preparing himself for her reaction. "She asked me to look into your... predicament. She wanted to know how she - we - could help. Please don't be angry with her."
"Angry?" More tears fell. "What...? Why...? I-I'm not angry. I'm just... I'm amazed that... that you guys care about me so much."
"More than you realise."
His low, gentle comment sent a tiny shiver down her spine.
"So, did you...?"
"Yes."
"And...?"
Another tear trickled over her cheekbone and she held her breath as she anticipated his answer.
"And you are not evil - as I already knew. Neither are you dark. You're perfect."
"Are you sure?"
"I am absolutely, positively, certain."
"Oh, thank God."
This time she didn't even try to stop the tears raining down her face and onto her top. "So I'm normal?"
Giles took a big gulp of air and squeezed his eyes shut nervously. "Uh... well... I wouldn't say 'normal' is the right word."
Unaware of the slight tensing of his voice, she allowed herself a small sniffly giggle.
"Okay - I admit I've never exactly been 'normal', but..."
"No, I mean... you're perfect."
She shook her head in confusion but before she could ask, he was answering her question.
"When you... died," he choked the word out, swallowing hard against the onslaught of painful memories invading his mind and forced himself to continue. "You went home... to heaven. I've always known that you are full of light and the knowledge of where you went is proof of that. It was not only your reward, but your destiny to return to a place full of only goodness."
He stood up and began pacing the room while he spoke.
"And that word, right there, is the very cause of all of... this." He gestured to the empty room. "Goodness. Purity. Perfection."
He walked over to the window and stared out at the still-pouring rain, wondering how to explain his discoveries. He'd practiced several times over breakfast, each time imagining that he would be explaining it all to Tara. Now the rules changed. With Buffy, they always did. With a soft sigh, he raised a hand to the cool glass.
"It is my understanding that heaven will accept no evilness, not even slight flaws... and that is where our problems begin. You see, Buffy, as humans, we do have flaws. Big or small, they are in each and every one of us. Where these flaws occur in our lives, how they affect us... they are the things that make us unique... human. When the body... dies... the soul either ascends or descends, whichever is appropriate... and at that point, those flaws stay or go."
"So...?" She felt a lump form in her throat as he continued to talk in a strangely calm voice.
"So, should the soul arrive at heaven, all the flaws, the weaknesses, the imperfections... they are stripped away. They're erased completely and the soul is returned to its most pure form. The state of the soul then, cannot be reversed but for a willing disobedience to goodness. Do you understand what I'm saying, Buffy?"
"I..." Her breath caught behind the lump, and she realised belatedly that the tears had stopped. "I'm not sure."
"In simple terms, Buffy, you have the soul of an Angel. When you went, your spirit was restored. Every imperfection that makes you human was wiped clean - gone forever. So, you see, it wasn't returning to this plane that changed you; it was leaving it."
"I... I... I..." She stumbled over her tongue, trying to get her head around what he was saying. Her mind suddenly latched onto something. "But - what about Spike? That still doesn't explain..."
"He didn't know. He just used assumed the worst and used that so-called knowledge to his advantage. We know he can fight demons and darkness - we've all witnessed it. I'm guessing the reason that he couldn't attack humans is that the chip was specifically designed to recognise the tarnished souls. A demon is full of darkness - it is an empty, impure vessel - totally and utterly imperfect in every way. The chip's 'radar' doesn't pick up on those completely imperfect beings and my theory is that it doesn't recognise completely perfect souls either."
Curiosity getting the better of her, Buffy injected a sudden question into the conversation.
"But, what about Angel? He has a soul."
Giles shook his head, finally turning away from the glass and wandering back to his seat.
"It doesn't matter. Soul or no soul, he is a vampire - and as you know a vampire is a demon. Even when he has good intentions, the complete impurity of the demon will always be stronger than the slightly flawed soul. Until he is fully human - which we both know isn't possible - the demon will never leave him."
"So, what you're saying, is..." Her voice trembled once more.
"Is that yes, your essence has changed... but not for the worse. Be wary of Spike, Buffy... and don't let him convince you that you are full of anything but light." He pulled his glasses off with his free hand, absently rubbing his forehead with his palm. "You are truly perfect, Buffy, and don't you forget it... and for what it's worth... in my eyes, you are more perfect than you were before."
She couldn't help but burst into relieved tears as his sweet words filled her heart with a warmth that she'd been missing for so long. She heard his concerned voice sound down the line and smiled through her tears.
"Buffy? Are you okay?"
"Uh-huh. My ear's getting wet and this is a lot to take in, but I'm... well, I'm better than I have been in a long time."
"I'm glad to hear it." The concern gave way to a warm smile of reassurance once more.
"Seriously. It's been so long since I've felt like this... and... well, it's you. It's always you that pulls me through. How do you do it?"
The smile grew.
"I carry you."
Silence lingered for one final time, as each reflected on the revelations that had been shared.
"Giles?"
He felt his heart expand in response to the hopeful note in her voice.
"Yes, Buffy."
"Would you... I mean... if... if you want, would you come home? I know it doesn't rain here as much, but... if you like, I'll put the hose on."
He let out a hearty laugh at her request, listening as she giggled a little, too. When the laughter had subsided, he replied.
"That sounds... like a wonderful idea."
"Really?"
"Yes, really." He chuckled again. "Now, I suggest you go and get a good night's sleep and I shall start packing."
"Okay."
She stood and made her way back to the 'phone cradle.
"See you soon?"
"See you soon," he affirmed.
"Oh and Giles?"
"Mm-hmm?"
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
As he heard the click of her phone being disconnected, he noticed the fading sound of rain dying. Turning back to the window, he watched in peaceful silence as the sun appeared and smiled to himself.
"My angel."