KNOCK KNOCK WHO'S THERE
Once everyone had received their ration of ketchup, it was time to turn to less weighty matters.
MERRY: Does anyone know where the doors are?
GIMLI: I saw a map once. It's a very complicated procedure, finding the Doors of Moria.
LEGOLAS: Moria. That was my ex-girl-friend's name. Sob
Legolas tried to contain a sob. Gimli patted him on the back sympathetically.
GIMLI: What happened?
LEGOLAS: She—
FELLOWSHIP: Gimli, get on with it!
GIMLI: If I remember correctly, we come to a large rock-
FELLOWSHIP: Which one?
GIMLI:--take two steps to the left, follow the wall for 16 paces, spin three times, click our heels, and....
FELLOWSHIP: Well? And?!!!
GIMLI: I forget.
This remark sent everyone—except Trotter-- back to their ketchup. Sam stumped ahead, staring at the wall intently. Having regained his composure and smothered the desire to tie Gimli and Legolas' legs together and heave them into the lake, Gandalf perceived Sam staring at a particular patch of wall.
GANDALF: What is Sam staring at?
GLARWENOLAS: (nonchalantly) The door.
FELLOWSHIP: HE found the DOOR???
GLARWENOLAS: Sure. Were you looking for a door?
FELLOWSHIP: DUH!!!
GLARWENOLAS: Oh. We could have told you that. We come this way all the time.
FELLOWSHIP: Stupid Psycho.
SAM: There are runes here.
Gandalf pushed Sam out of the way. Then he nodded his head wisely.
GANDALF: They are made of neon.
FELLOWSHIP: Ooooo.
BOROMIR: What do they say?
GANDALF: It reads: "Membership is limited. If number of members is exceeded, annual grants will cease. Please do not submit material rated NC- 17."
A brief period of silence ensued.
BOROMIR: Is that all?
GANDALF: Yes. Why?
BOROMIR: Oh, I don't know. I was just...kind of...expecting...instructions of how to... get in...on the door. Yeah.
GANDALF: Wherever did you get that idea?
PIPPIN: Idea—A plan, picture or belief in the mind. Thought, fancy, opinion.
Boromir collapsed into a heap, sucking ketchup frantically.
GLARWENOLAS: There are mithril runes here too, in case you mortals didn't notice.
Apparently the ketchup wasn't concentrated enough for Legolas.
LEGOLAS: Who you callin' a mortal? Huh? Huh? You pointy-eared psycho.
GLARWENOLAS: Pink-blooded product of a morganatic marriage!
There was a general gasp.
LEGOLAS: You...you...fake! Psycho! How dare you!
TROTTER: Now, now, we're getting dangerously near NC-17 material. Glarys, where's the mithril?
The hybrid stared at the ground sullenly for a few seconds. Legolas seethed.
GLARWENOLAS: You can't see it unless there's starlight or moonlight.
The Fellowship automatically looked at the sky.
FELLOWSHIP: No stars. No moon.
PIPPIN: Gandalf has a flashlight.
GANDALF: Fool of a Took! That won't work!
GLARWENOLAS: Yes it will.
GANDALF: Won't.
GLARWENOLAS: Will!
Now both Legolas AND Gandalf were mad at Glarwenolas. Boromir got up and took command of the situation with a patient air.
BOROMIR: Try it.
Gandalf sullenly turned on his flashlight, revealing threads of mithril.
BOROMIR: Well? What does it say?
GANDALF: It reads: "Boors Moria, Durin Lord. Amicus vocas et entrada."
FRODO: What does that mean?
GIMLI: Nothing!
GLARWENOLAS: He's got his syntax all wrong.
Merry and Pippin, meanwhile had sauntered down to the edge of the creepy lake.
PIPPIN: I'm bored.
MERRY: I bet I can skip stones farther across this squid-infested lake than you can!
PIPPIN: Can't.
Pippin had the pleasure of seeing his stone skip 21 times.
MMERRY: hmm. Um. I bet I can throw a rock across this squid infested lake farther than you can.
Merry threw a fist-sized stone 20 yards across the lake easily.
PIPPIN: hmm.
Not to be outdone, Pippin picked up a stone and wound up to throw, only to be stopped by Trotter.
TROTTER: Do not disturb the squid-infested water!
PIPPIN: Hey!
Merry grinned evilly as Trotter took Pippin by the hand back to where Gandalf was contemplating the mithril runes.
GANDALF: Ahah! It's a riddle!
FRODO/MERRY/PIPPIN/SAM: oo oo oo! Ask us! Ask us!
GANDALF: The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter.
FRODO: So what's the riddle?
GANDALF: I already figured it out.
SAM: What's the answer?
GANDALF: I don't know.
BOROMIR: I knew I should have paid more attention at school. Then at least I would know what that riddle meant. For instance, what's 'friend' in Elvish?
GLARWENOLAS: Sindarin or Quenya?
TROTTER: Normally, I use 'mellon'.
FRODO: Do you suppose the riddle means for us to recite a speech, like what Legolas or Gimli learned in school?
LEGOLAS: I have a problem with my name being used in conjunction with that of a Dwarf.
Gandalf shrugged. It was worth a try.
GANDALF: Fourscore and seven years ago, our fathers....how does it go again?
FELLOWSHIP: I don't know.
MERRY: Why couldn't the Dwarves do something simple, like 'Open Sesame' or something?
The moment Merry said 'open sesame' the doors swung open with a great noise.
FRODO: owwoooieeee! I feel like my nails are being dragged across a chalkboard.
The Fellowship cringed until the noise stopped.
GIMLI: That just goes to show you Dwarves are a lot simpler than people think. I'll have to tell my cousin to oil the hinges. Come on everybody. I feel a need for raw meat with my ketchup!
TROTTER: I'm a vegetarian, thank you very much.
GIMLI: Oh. Well I'm sure they have a few forgotten lettuce-leaves lying about somewhere...
FRODO: Eek!
FELLOWSHIP: What?
FRODO: Something touched me!
FELLOWSHIP: Come on. Into the mine.
They entered nonchalantly, with Gandalf waving his flashlight around, trying to imitate a discoball. It didn't work.
Once everyone had received their ration of ketchup, it was time to turn to less weighty matters.
MERRY: Does anyone know where the doors are?
GIMLI: I saw a map once. It's a very complicated procedure, finding the Doors of Moria.
LEGOLAS: Moria. That was my ex-girl-friend's name. Sob
Legolas tried to contain a sob. Gimli patted him on the back sympathetically.
GIMLI: What happened?
LEGOLAS: She—
FELLOWSHIP: Gimli, get on with it!
GIMLI: If I remember correctly, we come to a large rock-
FELLOWSHIP: Which one?
GIMLI:--take two steps to the left, follow the wall for 16 paces, spin three times, click our heels, and....
FELLOWSHIP: Well? And?!!!
GIMLI: I forget.
This remark sent everyone—except Trotter-- back to their ketchup. Sam stumped ahead, staring at the wall intently. Having regained his composure and smothered the desire to tie Gimli and Legolas' legs together and heave them into the lake, Gandalf perceived Sam staring at a particular patch of wall.
GANDALF: What is Sam staring at?
GLARWENOLAS: (nonchalantly) The door.
FELLOWSHIP: HE found the DOOR???
GLARWENOLAS: Sure. Were you looking for a door?
FELLOWSHIP: DUH!!!
GLARWENOLAS: Oh. We could have told you that. We come this way all the time.
FELLOWSHIP: Stupid Psycho.
SAM: There are runes here.
Gandalf pushed Sam out of the way. Then he nodded his head wisely.
GANDALF: They are made of neon.
FELLOWSHIP: Ooooo.
BOROMIR: What do they say?
GANDALF: It reads: "Membership is limited. If number of members is exceeded, annual grants will cease. Please do not submit material rated NC- 17."
A brief period of silence ensued.
BOROMIR: Is that all?
GANDALF: Yes. Why?
BOROMIR: Oh, I don't know. I was just...kind of...expecting...instructions of how to... get in...on the door. Yeah.
GANDALF: Wherever did you get that idea?
PIPPIN: Idea—A plan, picture or belief in the mind. Thought, fancy, opinion.
Boromir collapsed into a heap, sucking ketchup frantically.
GLARWENOLAS: There are mithril runes here too, in case you mortals didn't notice.
Apparently the ketchup wasn't concentrated enough for Legolas.
LEGOLAS: Who you callin' a mortal? Huh? Huh? You pointy-eared psycho.
GLARWENOLAS: Pink-blooded product of a morganatic marriage!
There was a general gasp.
LEGOLAS: You...you...fake! Psycho! How dare you!
TROTTER: Now, now, we're getting dangerously near NC-17 material. Glarys, where's the mithril?
The hybrid stared at the ground sullenly for a few seconds. Legolas seethed.
GLARWENOLAS: You can't see it unless there's starlight or moonlight.
The Fellowship automatically looked at the sky.
FELLOWSHIP: No stars. No moon.
PIPPIN: Gandalf has a flashlight.
GANDALF: Fool of a Took! That won't work!
GLARWENOLAS: Yes it will.
GANDALF: Won't.
GLARWENOLAS: Will!
Now both Legolas AND Gandalf were mad at Glarwenolas. Boromir got up and took command of the situation with a patient air.
BOROMIR: Try it.
Gandalf sullenly turned on his flashlight, revealing threads of mithril.
BOROMIR: Well? What does it say?
GANDALF: It reads: "Boors Moria, Durin Lord. Amicus vocas et entrada."
FRODO: What does that mean?
GIMLI: Nothing!
GLARWENOLAS: He's got his syntax all wrong.
Merry and Pippin, meanwhile had sauntered down to the edge of the creepy lake.
PIPPIN: I'm bored.
MERRY: I bet I can skip stones farther across this squid-infested lake than you can!
PIPPIN: Can't.
Pippin had the pleasure of seeing his stone skip 21 times.
MMERRY: hmm. Um. I bet I can throw a rock across this squid infested lake farther than you can.
Merry threw a fist-sized stone 20 yards across the lake easily.
PIPPIN: hmm.
Not to be outdone, Pippin picked up a stone and wound up to throw, only to be stopped by Trotter.
TROTTER: Do not disturb the squid-infested water!
PIPPIN: Hey!
Merry grinned evilly as Trotter took Pippin by the hand back to where Gandalf was contemplating the mithril runes.
GANDALF: Ahah! It's a riddle!
FRODO/MERRY/PIPPIN/SAM: oo oo oo! Ask us! Ask us!
GANDALF: The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter.
FRODO: So what's the riddle?
GANDALF: I already figured it out.
SAM: What's the answer?
GANDALF: I don't know.
BOROMIR: I knew I should have paid more attention at school. Then at least I would know what that riddle meant. For instance, what's 'friend' in Elvish?
GLARWENOLAS: Sindarin or Quenya?
TROTTER: Normally, I use 'mellon'.
FRODO: Do you suppose the riddle means for us to recite a speech, like what Legolas or Gimli learned in school?
LEGOLAS: I have a problem with my name being used in conjunction with that of a Dwarf.
Gandalf shrugged. It was worth a try.
GANDALF: Fourscore and seven years ago, our fathers....how does it go again?
FELLOWSHIP: I don't know.
MERRY: Why couldn't the Dwarves do something simple, like 'Open Sesame' or something?
The moment Merry said 'open sesame' the doors swung open with a great noise.
FRODO: owwoooieeee! I feel like my nails are being dragged across a chalkboard.
The Fellowship cringed until the noise stopped.
GIMLI: That just goes to show you Dwarves are a lot simpler than people think. I'll have to tell my cousin to oil the hinges. Come on everybody. I feel a need for raw meat with my ketchup!
TROTTER: I'm a vegetarian, thank you very much.
GIMLI: Oh. Well I'm sure they have a few forgotten lettuce-leaves lying about somewhere...
FRODO: Eek!
FELLOWSHIP: What?
FRODO: Something touched me!
FELLOWSHIP: Come on. Into the mine.
They entered nonchalantly, with Gandalf waving his flashlight around, trying to imitate a discoball. It didn't work.