Disclaimer: I own nothing. I make no money.
A/N: This story is told in Harm's point of view. Since that is the case a lot of the story is Harm's version. As we know there are two sides to every story, but this is what I am portraying because this story is about a man who seemingly has lost everything and decides to get his life back in order the best way he can. This story takes place in season 9. Everything up to episode 'Coming Home' is considered in my story's continuity. Anything after that including the season finale will not be included. Any similarities to future episodes are not intentional.
The Fall and Rise of Harmon Rabb Chapter 2
Yep. Definitely a long night. In the split second before the door opened, I realized that I am not as drunk as I would like to be. I think the rush of adrenaline that just hit me has sobered me up. Of course the last year or so of fighting with Mac would sober a man more than any cold shower or any pot of coffee on the planet. My nerves are steel. My body is steel. My heart is steel…I wish. Who am I kidding? The woman standing in my doorway shatters every defense I have. Come on Hammer. You can do this. There is no sense hanging on to a woman that loves someone else. We have both been in limbo and hanging on to her is going to destroy you both.
"Mac, what brings you here?" I ask her with all the control I have as a pilot. Not only do I have to contend with an angry marine that I am in love with but can't have, I also have to shake off this alcohol. Damn Hammer, you are real smooth. Way to think ahead. You knew damn well she would be coming over here after earlier. You just had to get drunk. I fight a war inside my head in a few simple seconds as she looks me over. She knows I have been drinking. Hell, she can probably smell it from the door. I guess I thought I could handle seeing her again tonight and I didn't care what she thought about my drinking. I don't remember a time I have ever gotten this intoxicated knowing she might be around. I start to feel a little guilty about doing something she is unable to do but I fight it down. Why should I care? She doesn't love me. She never did. I wasted years hoping to keep her at arm's length until my career had run its course. I knew my career would be over one day and then I could have her. She would fulfill the rest of my life. She could give me something even a Tomcat couldn't. I found out real quick didn't I? Last year I gave up the Navy, and she told me never. I quit my job and flew to a different continent to save her life and she decided she liked playing house with Webb. Yeah that's it Harm. Focus on the negative and you will have the courage to finish this with her. Brumby, Webb, Brumby, Webb, it's always the same pattern. Keep it up, she is about to speak.
"I came to talk to you. We need to clear the air. Is this a bad time?" Yep she is upset that I have been drinking heavily. I can hear it in her voice. How can you know a woman so well in some areas to a point you know what she is going to say before she says it, but when it comes to relationships with her, you have no freaking clue what she thinks, what she feels?
"This time is no worse than any other. We might as well get this over with once and for all so we can both move on," I tell her calm and evenly. Keep it up Rabb. If you can make it through tonight without blowing it, you might have a chance at forgetting this woman and focus on living the rest of your life. Don't start showing emotions now. You know she is going to say something to piss you off soon. She has been good at that lately. We both have. Really and truly since my trial we have had virtually nothing good to say to the other. Where did it go wrong? How can two people who have been so close wind up being so hateful to each other?
She just looks at me for a moment. She doesn't know how to read me. Then she just puts it out on the table, "I want to know what you meant earlier today. What circle are you talking about?"
"What does it matter Mac? We dance, we spar, we fight, and we just outright avoid the issues at hand. You have Webb. He makes you happy. Go play footsies and the two of you can go halves on a little spook with a great sense of timing." There, the first missile away. Take that Mac.
"You are just impossible Harm. I don't know why I put up with you," she replies. I know she is getting mad. That little corner of her lip is twitching and one eyebrow is starting raise just slightly. I can see the vein in the side of her neck bulging.
"Maybe you shouldn't. If I am such a terrible person why do you put up with me? You know what? Forget this. We have nothing to say to each other Mac. We have nothing left. Just go home to Webb. I just hope his missions in bed go better than his missions with the Agency." Direct hit. Any second now, she is going to go into full marine mode and that will be all she wrote on this little conflict. She never discusses emotions or relationships when she is acting like a full fledged, tattoo wearing jarhead. I just have to stay strong. Treat her like a witness on the stand and lead her exactly where I want her to go. That is one of the differences between her and me. I use my aviator control along with my attributes in the courtroom. She has to suppress some of her marine training when questioning a witness, otherwise she would rip their heads off, especially after I tear them apart on cross. Nothing pisses her off in court more than to see me turn her well prepared expert into shredded wheat.
"HOW DARE YOU!?!?" she screams at me. I think I just dropped an ICBM on our friendship. I think this time there will be no going back.
"Truth hurt, Colonel? I think you and I have been good at laying it out for each other over the years. Feelings aside, let's just get this over with. I have a busy day tomorrow and you are burning up my sleep time." My courage is slipping a little. I think I need to end this quick.
She paces around my apartment. She is trying to regain control over herself. I think she wants to rip me a new asshole. "Look, I just want to know what you meant earlier at the birthday party. Is it so hard for you to just answer my damn question? Good God Harm, we used to be better friends than this. What has happened to us?" Oh great she is playing the friendship card again. Yeah some friends we are. We use every opportunity to hurt each other.
"What makes you think we are friends Mac? Examine the evidence. You follow me to Russia twice. I told you that I would never forget what you did for me. I follow you to Paraguay, save your life, and you don't even say thank you. Not one stinking word of appreciation came out of your mouth to me. To Webb and Gunny sure, but not to me. The Admiral kicks me out of JAG when we get back and all you can do is drag me to see your stupid spook boyfriend. You don't even tell me you are sorry that I lost my career to save your life. Then when I do get to come back to JAG, we do nothing but lodge attacks against each other. We do nothing but do our damndest to hurt each other. That is not friendship Mac. Not at all." I know what she is going to say and I am prepared for it.
"I did help you get custody of Mattie. If that is not a sign of friendship, I don't know what is."
"Yeah, you did help me get Mattie. I am eternally grateful for that. Don't forget how you just ripped apart my reasoning for taking her in. Don't forget how not too long ago you told me it was a matter of time before I lost interest in my daughter. Back to the point, when it mattered, really mattered, I show gratitude to you. When I help you, you are too busy running around Semper Fying and proving what a marine you are to even say thank you." From the look on her face, I have to say that some of that actually sank in.
"But Harm, I do apprec…"
"Forget it Mac, it's too late now. Someone shouldn't have to point out to you to say thanks. It would me meaningless if you finished that sentence." It's true. If she said thank you for Paraguay right now, I wouldn't believe it. I would take it as an insult to my intelligence.
"Alright, Harm. If you don't consider us friends, then what do you consider us?" That is a good question. I have to brace myself to say to her what I never thought I would have to say.
"I consider us over…done...finished." I fight the urge to take it back. I'm sorry Sarah. This is how it has to be if I am going to survive. We aren't friends. I can't label my love for you as friendship. My hope for the future with you is gone. I could play friends with you when I knew it was a matter of time before you were my wife. Now with that gone, I can't pretend anymore. Besides, I think we have hurt each other too much to have a relationship. Even if you did love me, it wouldn't work. I didn't believe the word never was the case in Paraguay like you did, but that simple little word was a knife to my heart and it twisted every time we spat insults at each other. I am now at the point of never.
A tear falls down her cheek, "How can you say that Harm?"
"It's easy, you move your lips and start talking. Over…done…finished. See?" I am at the point of being cruel now. I feel like crying. I need to tell her this is all a sham. Admit to her that I love her and that is why I can't go on. Come on Harm; just tell her for God's sake. Don't let this go on anymore. No…no, this is how it has to be. I can't give her the satisfaction of shooting me down again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Remember she doesn't love you. She loves Webb, and before that Brumby. Don't be a fool again. Webb, Brumby, Webb, Brumby. Just make it through tonight and you will be ok.
Tears are falling freely now from her eyes. I feel like such a bastard. After a few seconds she speaks, "If friendship means nothing to you then what are you going to have left Harm?"
"I will have my career. I am going to fight for my career. I am putting my all to get it back on track for what little time I have left in the Navy. I used to be one hell of a Naval Officer and I am going to get back to that. You used to think I was bad before, well watch out Mac. I am going to be going full throttle in my job from now on."
"Oh yeah, what about Mattie? How are you going to take care of her and be poster boy for the Navy? You were so quick to defend what you have with her, yet it sounds like she is going to be dumped by the way side." My whole body goes tense as she reminds me of Mattie. My anger reaches the boiling point. She doesn't know Mattie is gone but it is still salt on an open wound.
"My relationship with Mattie is none of your business." Ooh, that will tell her… yeah, great comeback.
"Fine. What the hell were you talking about earlier?" She is burning now. I guess it is time to release Armageddon on my relationship with Mac.
"Your fairytale is to string someone along until you can be saved by some fantasy man you have built up in your life. With Mic you used me as the fantasy. The only problem is we never got a relationship off the ground so you turn to Webb who is chomping at the bit to be your hero. That leaves me. I have turned into Mic Brumby. The man who sacrifices everything for the woman he loves only to watch her go off into the sunset with someone else." Her eyes are wide; her mouth drops open for a second before snapping shut firmly. If I know Mac, I am about to get slapped and hard. Go ahead marine do your worst.
'SLAP!!' 'SLAP-SLAP' Damn that stings. I expected one slap. I was prepared for her right hand to cross my cheek. I guess I dug too deep because she followed the right with a two slap combination left right. Ouch.
"Well, Col. I think we can stick a fork in this conversation. I don't think we have anything better left to say." Yep, definitely time to end this. I turn to walk towards the door to kick her out and decide to push my luck a little further. "Don't go away mad, Mac. Just go away." Before I reach the door, my senses kick into overdrive. I feel the air displacement; I can almost hear the punch coming to the back of my head. I quickly spin and deflect her fist. Before I can put a stop to it, I see her foot coming towards my face. At the blink of an eye I ready myself into a fighting stance. She sends a flurry of attacks towards me and I block them all. She just backs away in shock. I don't know what is shocking her the most at the moment, all the words I said, the fact that she physically attacked me or that I let it slip that I have had extensive martial arts training. Eight years of Shaolin Kung fu from Chang Su Kim did wonders for a fatherless kid who was mad at the world. He taught me discipline that allowed me to tolerate Frank, to survive in Vietnam at 16, and become tenacious enough to buckle down for Annapolis. I suppose Chang Su saved my life by helping to hone my reflexes. When you are in a Tomcat with 8 nanoseconds to break right before a missile blows your ass out of the sky, sharp reflexes are a definite must.
"I didn't know you studied the art." It was just a simple statement coming from her. I think her anger has subsided.
"There is a lot you don't know about me Mac." My heart is in a million pieces. I feel so terrible for saying such awful things to her. I feel bile rising in my throat. This better be the right thing to do or I won't be able to live with myself.
"This isn't over Harm." She is challenging me again.
"Yes, it is."
"I could order you to continue." She is going to try to pull rank on me? How desperate can you get to have the last word?
"Go ahead and draw up charges because I wouldn't obey. Good luck getting them to stick. We are off duty in my home and you are trespassing. Unlawful orders don't have to be followed. Goodbye Col." I think that made my point. She walks to the door and walks out silently. I close the door and slide down to the floor. I can't believe she tried to pull rank. Every chance she gets she throws it in my face that she outranks me. I was so proud of her when she got promoted, just like I was proud of Kate and Meg. I knew when I had my crash that my days in the Navy were numbered. I wasn't a pilot long enough to earn promotion and I was nothing more than a legal aide while in law school. I figured my promotion to Lt. Commander was political. I was shocked as hell to make full Commander. I knew that one was political with Bobbie Latham schmoozing me with her little political robots. I figured that the Up or Out Clause would catch up to me one day and I would be history. I took pride in watching my partners grow underneath my wing. I knew they would all pass me by and I could take solace in the fact that I helped them get to where I could never go. I sensed the end coming when I left to go back to flying. I had a chance to finish my naval career the way it started… in a Tomcat. Mac didn't' need me anymore. Yet somehow through it all, here I am still in the Navy. With nothing left to fight for, I can fight to stay in the Navy. I just wish I could have done that without being such a bastard to the woman I love. The room starts spinning. I lean over and vomit comes flying from my mouth. I just sit here next to my own puke and cry. I cry hard, for Mac, for Mattie, Diane, my dad. All the loves I have lost. In the end I cry for myself.
To be continued.