My Immortal 5 Crowded Hours

Most of us think ourselves as standing wearily and helplessly at the
center of a circle bristling with tasks, burdens, problems, annoyance,
and responsibilities which are rushing in upon us. At every moment we
have a dozen different things to do, a dozen problems to solve, a
dozen strains to endure. We see ourselves as overdriven, overburdened,
overtired. This is a common mental picture and it is totally false. No
one of us, however crowded his life, has such an existence. What is
the true picture of your life? Imagine that there is an hour glass on
your desk. Connecting the bowl at the top with the bowl at the bottom
is a tube so thin that only one grain of sand can pass through it at a
time. That is the true picture of your life, even on a super busy day,
The crowded hours come to you always one moment at a time. That is the
only way they can come. The day may bring many tasks, many problems,
strains, but invariably they come in single file. You want to gain
emotional poise? Remember the hourglass, the grains of sand dropping
one by one.
James Gordon Gilkey

Over the rocky ground and to the accompanying sound of tumbling water I made my way down the steep zigzag path into the valley of Rivendell as slowly as I would, delaying the inevitable, buying time in my need to center myself. The pine trees made way for beech and oak and under the canopy of dense forest I sifted through each of my emotions taking care to arrange them as best I could and leaving them to the corner of my mind. I approached an elf and made my request to see the Lord Elrond. She made did not question my need or berate me for interrupting her time. She did not point or scoff or reveal emotion of any kind, she merely lifted her flowing gown from the ground and lead me to my destination.

I was escorted to a library that would bring out jealousy in any intelligent creature. Though I had seen such before, I too marveled at the collection of works laid out so simply along latticework shelves. Comfortable nooks and crannies filled with inviting cushions tempted the soul to stay for a spell and absorb the wisdom the library had to offer. The Lord Elrond himself was doing just that as I approached him. He took in my appearance without pause though I know it disturbed him. Not for my actual company, but the terrible need which must have necessitated it. A great an empty pause lay between us, neither party willing to give voice to the purpose for my visit. Elrond, in all his wisdom knew the subject must at some time be broached.

"You would not come into elvin lands so idly, I should think." He stated, as if an opinion and not a fact.

I looked to him. He returned my stare with cold intelligent eyes. The comment was the closest to asking the reason for my sudden appearance as he would come. An elf amongst elves he would not stoop to curiosity no matter how strange or unlikely my visit.

And it was in fact impossible. I had cursed their lands in my dreams, cried out for their ruin and despaired in my rage. Suffice to say I did not care for the company of elves and had sworn never to return to their circle. The oath was now broken by my presence and I had once again consciously betrayed my own vow. Like a human, it appeared vows meant little to me. I was here for help, and as Elrond could not reduce to curiosity so too I could not reduce to giving voice to me need. And so we continued in each other's presence silent as the beginning of time.

"I will not degrade you with formalities, but you look in need of sustenance, allow me to offer a meal, or drink," offered Elrond.

Two trays were brought. There is a kind of truce in sharing a meal and I was grateful that Elrond had made the reconciliatory measure I feared I did not have strength for. It was a measure that induced me to make the request I had come for. Courage came from my resolve, fate had requested me, I had come for that and not myself. I looked to Elrond and aired my request.

The request was awkward and ill stated. I managed to convey my fears that some great power was in need of aid, though that may be hard for the elf to believe coming from myself. I described in detail the dreams that accompanied my sleep, hoping he could see into the content more clearly then I. I was carrying the message to the one being that held the power to aid a wizard in distress, Elrond would know who to seek or send out. For all I knew it could be Saruman the white in need, Gandalf at the very least should be told of my concerns. Though in my fear it was Gandalf himself in need of aid. I had thought that it was he at the first, as we were once very close and share a strong blood tie, but the power in need is a power far stronger then even my grandfather.
"You have been gone long, and missed much...You will not find what you expect when you reach your conclusion."

I looked to him and offered no reply to his broad and therefor meaningless interpretation.

"You must go to the head of the order."

"I can't Elrond, please, you must see that."

"You must." The thick weighted words of Elrond were final.

It was as simple as that, the stark simple truth. If you seek a wizard, you must go to the order. But I could not. I had not the strength to approach the order that had requested I never return. It was not that alone, but my own soul and conscious that was banished. I had not only disappointed them in my time, I had disappointed myself and the disgrace was so great that it wounded me to the core, shaped my very being. It was a self-inflicted wound and one I had not allowed to heal. I would suffer what I must, but I could not return.

I did not reply. I could not acknowledge his response to my need for aid.

Sweet Valinor what had I done, what was I doing here. He approached me, tall, regal and commanding, his very presence put me in my place and every look, every movement reminded me that I had come to him, begging. He touched my locket. It shocked me, such an invasion of my personal space. It sickened me that he would feel the need to remind me that he knew. The symbolism was not lost, but I was. Every moment that passed reminded me that I was unworthy, that I did not belong here. And yet I did. I had followed my fate, and it brought me here, I could endure what I must, and I must go to the order.

I met Elrond's eyes for the first time since my arrival.

"I understand".

He nodded in approval. "You will need escort."

It was a statement not a question. I nodded dumbly, automatically. He left a moment. I stared numbly at the floor trying to gather my thoughts, recover my strength and resolve. When he returned he was not alone. I froze and lost all logical thought, all cognitive power. Like a deer in front of an automobile I was caught fighting my instincts screaming for me to run, and a body that no longer had the capability to heed the wisdom of my brain.

Tall long and lean, Elrond's companion entered the room and brought with him an entirely different atmosphere. Grace followed him as if a tangible thing, a lover on his arm, he carried it as if it could belong to no other creature on earth. He looked to me and I was stuck by the clear pure blue of his eyes. He had not changed at all. If anything his dignity had grown, he had mastered his self-awareness.

"Legolas this is Nayeli. Nayeli, Legolas will escort you to the order."

Legolas. The name echoed through me as if in a canyon and I felt nearly as hallow, as ancient and worn down. Sweet mercy why was Elrond testing me so? Was not my resolve proven in my presence here, in the quest I had agreed upon?

Legolas himself could feel the weight of the exchange, but knew nothing of the content. In his wisdom, he did not inquire. In practicality he made several suggestions for the journey, but I was not truly present. I nodded automatically to each of his requests and prayed that the conversation be over as soon as it may. He asked nothing personal of me, though he knew nothing of the person he would be escorting.

"If in your wisdom you care not for the company of stogy incompetent dwarves I apologize in advance, my friend Gimli will accompany us." Legolas said this last well timed for the accompanying dwarf to overhear as we were all shepherded to sleeping quarters. I noted the friendly banter and entered my sleeping chambers.

I made my way to the bed and in my denial, attempted sleep.